Last week I met with a new OB/GYN. She came highly recommended and because of that I had to wait 2 months to get into see her. When I got there I had to wait 2-1/2 hours after my appointment to see her as she was behind. I was getting a little fidgety towards the end but kept calm and read magazines while I waited. I was hoping she was worth the wait!
My blood pressure looked great and they took me to the room for an exam. After the exam she said that she would do the vaginal ultrasound as well to look at my ovaries and uterine lining (remember Tamoxifen can cause uterine cancer and it is very important that they check the uterine lining). Also breast and ovarian cancer are very closely related. I was so glad that she could do that right there in the office and I wouldn't have to schedule another appointment. Last year right before I started chemo I had my annual exam and then had to have another appointment for the ultrasound.
Knowing that she was so far behind I didn't feel like she was rushing me at all. She talked to me about everything that went on this last year through and through. What a kind and caring soul she was. She decided before she has me try anything different for my menopause symptoms she wanted to run a full blood panel and check everything to see if it is all still working after chemo.
After we were done she walked me to the lab to have my blood drawn and she asked me if she could give me a hug, I of course said yes. I love hugs and I love it when I know people really do care about me and all that I have been through. She gave me the longest hug and said how much she admired my bravery for everything I went through. She also said that she wants to see me every 6 months rather than once a year. She reassured me that she is going to take very good care of me. How did I get so lucky and score another great doctor to be part of my team? I guess I do have good luck sometimes.
I got the results of my blood work back this week and of course my cholesterol is still super high. And my Vitamin D levels are really low even though I have been taking a supplement for over 6 months. Apparently when you are in menopause you need more Vitamin D that what is on the label. I was told to increase to 10,000 ui per day and she also started me on some other holistic supplements to see if that will lower my cholesterol. She didn't want to start me on a Statin right now with the other drugs that I am taking. I have also started Gabapentin to see if that will help my hot flashes. So far I am a week into it and I haven't noticed a change. I am not giving up hope just yet, I want to give it at least a month. She also recommended a low carb diet to help me lose some of the weight I have gained during my treatment. I have been exercising faithfully for over 4 months and trying to watch what I eat but I cannot lose a pound. She said a low carb diet should help me lose some weight especially since it is harder to lose weight after menopause, it is crazy to me that our hormones control so much of our bodies. While it is going to be very hard for me because I love pasta, potatoes and rice so much, I will give it a try. I am hoping for good results. I go back to see her in February for a followup and I am hoping I can be 10-15 pounds lighter and to see if these herbal remedies are helping my cholesterol situation and also if the increased Vitamin D has helped my levels. Vitamin D is very important to help my bones. Now that I am in menopause at such a young age my bone loss will be sped up by quite a few years and if I am going to live a long time I want my bones to be as healthy as possible.
I am so unhappy with my appearance lately and I think that the further away I get from treatment the harder it gets for me to look in the mirror. Sometimes I wonder if it is because I feel more "normal" now and I feel like I should look like I did before cancer or what. Anyway it is a hard internal battle right now. I need to remind myself that what is on the outside doesn't matter as much as what is on the inside.
I still have brain fog from the chemo treatments that make me forget things rather easily. I also tend to make a lot of mistakes at work. It is really frustrating to me but honestly there isn't anything I can do about it. I also get overwhelmed really easy especially with Kaci. She has so much energy and sometimes I just shut down. It is all I can do and I feel so bad that I can't be there 100% for her. I am hoping with time that this will go away but from what I hear it is usually permanent. The chemo drugs are very strong and do kill brain cells while they are killing cancer and some of them just do not grow back. I like to try and keep my life simple and worry free but there are times in life that just don't happen that way.
I am looking forward to the Christmas season. There really is a feeling
in the air that is not there any other time of year. My shopping is
done and this was the first year ever that I did not stress about it.
Things really don't get to me the way they used to. I am a lot less
stressed out about everything these days which is good but sometimes I
should worry or stress more about things than I do.
My next doctors appointment is next week with my surgeon. She will do a thorough exam on my chest wall to make sure that I don't have anything growing back. She is a great and wonderful doctor herself who always gives me a hug when I leave. I have never encountered doctors quite like these. I am seriously so thankful for each and every one of them that truly care about me.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Monday, November 30, 2015
Thankful
As this month comes to a close I want everybody to know how thankful I am. I am thankful for feeling so good lately. I am thankful that I am where I am today and not where I was last year at this time. I am thankful for great family and friends that helped me so much this past year especially my dear kind neighbors who delivered countless meals to us. I know it was not easy for them as they had their own families to take care of.
Thanksgiving was wonderful. We made the dinner at our house and even with the power going out numerous times and taking the turkey to my mom's house to cook it all turned out just fine. We just kept laughing about it because it was crazy. It seriously would go off for less than a minute and then turn back on. Each time it went off we had to turn the oven back on. After about the 15th time we gave up and that is when we took the turkey to my mom's. Our family all came over and helped with the last minute preparations and dinner turned out wonderful. After dinner we hit Wal-Mart. Thanksgiving is not complete without Black Friday shopping at Wal-Mart. I was a little disappointed though, it was not nearly as crazy as it has been in the past. I guess it was good that it was so organized this year because nobody got hurt. We got what we went for and then went over to Kohl's for a few minutes. After Kohl's we were ready to go home. I didn't have anything else that I needed and I wasn't about to spend unnecessary money.
My Jakey Boy (yellow lab) is not going to be around much longer and that made Thanksgiving a little hard for me emotionally. I was so looking forward to the holiday's this year after what I went through last year but with Abby leaving us on Halloween, then taking Jake to the vet the Tuesday before Thanksgiving also thinking that he must have some teeth that are giving him problems, they found a huge cancerous tumor in his mouth. I was told it is one of three kinds of oral cancer and they are very aggressive. The vet said that this will end his life. He sent us home with a strong pain killer and prepared us for what is to come. I am hoping to be able to keep him through Christmas as Christmas is his favorite holiday. He seriously likes to unwrap presents, I cannot put any presents under my tree or he will get them and tear them to shreds. I do know that even if he is around on Christmas that it won't be the same, his mouth is sore and I doubt he will play with his new tennis balls we got him let alone help all of us unwrap our presents. Jake and Abby were my first kids, we got them both after we got married and they have always been a part of our family. I miss Abby so much and now knowing that Jake will be going soon it is too much to bear. I am a wreck emotionally. I think this waiting and wondering when it is "time" is the hardest part. I am hoping he will pass on his own but likely it is a decision that we will have to make for him. He wasn't doing very good on Thanksgiving and I really thought we were going to have to do it on Friday or Saturday but those "magic" pain pills have really given him that sparkle back in his eyes. I know he is still in pain, how could you not be with a half a golf ball size tumor under your tongue? But he does appear to be much more comfortable and happier. I know his quality of life is about gone but for now we are spoiling him with table food and soft canned dog food. I really can't bear giving him the hard food because it has to hurt him.
Anyway, I still have so much to be thankful for and I am most thankful for getting Jake and Abby all of these years and having them by my side this past year as I went through everything. I do know and understand that at 13 years old (almost 14years old) that it is clearly the end of their lives. I am comforted by the fact that I know they will be in a good place and be happy and free from all their earthly pain.
Thanksgiving was wonderful. We made the dinner at our house and even with the power going out numerous times and taking the turkey to my mom's house to cook it all turned out just fine. We just kept laughing about it because it was crazy. It seriously would go off for less than a minute and then turn back on. Each time it went off we had to turn the oven back on. After about the 15th time we gave up and that is when we took the turkey to my mom's. Our family all came over and helped with the last minute preparations and dinner turned out wonderful. After dinner we hit Wal-Mart. Thanksgiving is not complete without Black Friday shopping at Wal-Mart. I was a little disappointed though, it was not nearly as crazy as it has been in the past. I guess it was good that it was so organized this year because nobody got hurt. We got what we went for and then went over to Kohl's for a few minutes. After Kohl's we were ready to go home. I didn't have anything else that I needed and I wasn't about to spend unnecessary money.
My Jakey Boy (yellow lab) is not going to be around much longer and that made Thanksgiving a little hard for me emotionally. I was so looking forward to the holiday's this year after what I went through last year but with Abby leaving us on Halloween, then taking Jake to the vet the Tuesday before Thanksgiving also thinking that he must have some teeth that are giving him problems, they found a huge cancerous tumor in his mouth. I was told it is one of three kinds of oral cancer and they are very aggressive. The vet said that this will end his life. He sent us home with a strong pain killer and prepared us for what is to come. I am hoping to be able to keep him through Christmas as Christmas is his favorite holiday. He seriously likes to unwrap presents, I cannot put any presents under my tree or he will get them and tear them to shreds. I do know that even if he is around on Christmas that it won't be the same, his mouth is sore and I doubt he will play with his new tennis balls we got him let alone help all of us unwrap our presents. Jake and Abby were my first kids, we got them both after we got married and they have always been a part of our family. I miss Abby so much and now knowing that Jake will be going soon it is too much to bear. I am a wreck emotionally. I think this waiting and wondering when it is "time" is the hardest part. I am hoping he will pass on his own but likely it is a decision that we will have to make for him. He wasn't doing very good on Thanksgiving and I really thought we were going to have to do it on Friday or Saturday but those "magic" pain pills have really given him that sparkle back in his eyes. I know he is still in pain, how could you not be with a half a golf ball size tumor under your tongue? But he does appear to be much more comfortable and happier. I know his quality of life is about gone but for now we are spoiling him with table food and soft canned dog food. I really can't bear giving him the hard food because it has to hurt him.
Anyway, I still have so much to be thankful for and I am most thankful for getting Jake and Abby all of these years and having them by my side this past year as I went through everything. I do know and understand that at 13 years old (almost 14years old) that it is clearly the end of their lives. I am comforted by the fact that I know they will be in a good place and be happy and free from all their earthly pain.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Another 3 month check up
Today I had another 3 month check up with my oncologist. I really didn't have any anxiety leading up to the appointment but I did have anxiety right before it. I had to talk to myself many times to settle down. I wasn't anxious about the appointment itself, I was anxious to step foot into the office. I honestly feel like my diagnosis and treatments were forever ago, in another life even. So when I have to go back to that office for an appointment it is almost like a slap in the face. Reality sets in that this really did happen and I am forever changed by it. Jeff met me in the parking lot and we walked in together. I held my head high and opened the door and walked right in to the reception desk and checked in myself. Normally, I had Jeff do it for me just because I had such a hard time mentally doing it myself. I am so thankful for my husband and all the support he continues to give me.
I got called back shortly after we checked in and my blood was drawn from my one good arm, except I didn't drink a thing before my appointment so it was difficult and slow to get enough blood for the tests. I stepped on the scale and have even lost a few pounds since my last appointment in August. I wish I could lose more but I have many other things to focus on rather than fighting with my weight. Of course menopause makes it darn near impossible to lose it anyway and life is short so I chose to focus on other things that bring me happiness. My appearance isn't everything and while I do look a lot different these days with my weight and my short curly old lady hairstyle, I continue to be happy. I am happy to be healthy and alive and do all the fun things I like to do.
Next we met with my doctor and he said my blood test results look great. I told him I have been feeling great. I still have some pain in my legs but walking on the treadmill 3-5 times a week seems to be helping them. I also mentioned some pain in the chest area but I think it is from the radiation, scar tissue etc. and he agreed. He said as long as I didn't feel any lumps or bumps I should be okay. I still have hot flashes like crazy and so we discussed the anti-seizure medication Gabapentin because I absolutely refuse to take any anti-anxiety medication for hot flashes, I do not like their side effects or the way your body becomes dependent on them . He pulled up a study of women who were experiencing hot flashes who were on this medication and also a placebo and studies show that this medication really helped cool quite a few of the women's hot flashes. I think I am going to give it a try. He called in the prescription for me but I am not going to take it just yet. I have an appointment on December 3rd with another doctor who specializes in helping women through menopause without the use of hormone therapy. I really want to see what she has to say before I start something new. The big side effects of this drug are sleepiness and possible swelling in the ankles and feet. He said it is such a low dose that I shouldn't experience too many side effects. He said to take it at night before bed and hopefully I will get better sleep due to the drug making you sleepy and the hot flashes will diminish a bit. I am still up 4-6 times a night with hot flashes and with every hot flash I have, I need to go to the bathroom. What I wouldn't give for a good nights sleep!!!!!
Next he said he is going to test my estrogen levels because my cycle has yet to return. The results this time won't mean anything but when I go back for my next followup he will test them again and see if there is any progress and hopefully determine if I am in permanent premature menopause due to chemotherapy treatments or if maybe it is just taking a while for my system to wake up. He said that most women who have a menstrual cycle before starting chemotherapy continue to have them after the treatment concludes. He even said the chemotherapy drugs he gave me don't generally cause a women to go into menopause. Either way I don't care because the hormone blockers I have to take for 10 years or longer will keep me in a state of menopause anyway, however the hot flashes wouldn't be so frequent and intense should my cycle return. I told him that I questioned chemotherapy because of what it has done to me, it really has diminished my quality of life. Until you experience these frequent (at least 1 an hour all day and night long) hot flashes along with heart racing, sweating, and an over all anxious feeling you wouldn't understand. There are even some that I have to sit or lie down, they literally knock me off of my feet. He then gave me the pep talk. He said that I am alive and well and I am able to continue seeing my daughter grow up and get to enjoy life experiences and of course I could not deny that!!! He then said that this won't go on forever, that over time they will start to diminish and hopefully go away all together. He said when I am 55 I should not be having any of these and I made the remark that some of my friends might be starting them and I will be all finished with them and he said yip! So I said that is good news and I guess I am just getting them over with early other than mine are more intense than if you go through menopause naturally but it is what it is. He said the only thing that would help me is hormone therapy and I asked him what if I wanted that, if I cannot handle these any more would he give it to me. He said he would not. I have such a high risk breast cancer that there is no way he would ever prescribe that to me and I said what if I found another doctor to give it to me then he said I couldn't be his patient any longer. We were laughing a little bit because I was half joking and half serious and I turned to him and said you love me that much? He said of course he does and he wants to see me alive and well. I totally understand and I won't even keep that thought of hormone therapy in my head any longer. I will remove it and just know that this is not an option for me, mainly because I don't want to find another oncologist, ha, ha. I love my doctor so much!!!
Anyway enough complaining about hot flashes and weight gain and all the other crappy things that come along with menopause. This was a great appointment and I received another clean bill of health.
One last note I graduated to 4 month follow up appointments now!!!!! Jeff was so cute when the doctor said that, he said "congratulations babe you made it". My next follow up isn't until March of 2016. Then Jeff and I went out to lunch to celebrate and then back to work for the day.
Update: I received my lab results back on the hormone levels. My estridol level is 8.1 PG/ML and FSH level is 53.9 MIU/ML. I have not talked with my doctor but when I searched online because that is what I do, these levels are consistent with menopause and the chances of having my ovaries wake up is pretty much a no go. We will test them again in 4 months when I go back to see if there are any changes.
I got called back shortly after we checked in and my blood was drawn from my one good arm, except I didn't drink a thing before my appointment so it was difficult and slow to get enough blood for the tests. I stepped on the scale and have even lost a few pounds since my last appointment in August. I wish I could lose more but I have many other things to focus on rather than fighting with my weight. Of course menopause makes it darn near impossible to lose it anyway and life is short so I chose to focus on other things that bring me happiness. My appearance isn't everything and while I do look a lot different these days with my weight and my short curly old lady hairstyle, I continue to be happy. I am happy to be healthy and alive and do all the fun things I like to do.
Next we met with my doctor and he said my blood test results look great. I told him I have been feeling great. I still have some pain in my legs but walking on the treadmill 3-5 times a week seems to be helping them. I also mentioned some pain in the chest area but I think it is from the radiation, scar tissue etc. and he agreed. He said as long as I didn't feel any lumps or bumps I should be okay. I still have hot flashes like crazy and so we discussed the anti-seizure medication Gabapentin because I absolutely refuse to take any anti-anxiety medication for hot flashes, I do not like their side effects or the way your body becomes dependent on them . He pulled up a study of women who were experiencing hot flashes who were on this medication and also a placebo and studies show that this medication really helped cool quite a few of the women's hot flashes. I think I am going to give it a try. He called in the prescription for me but I am not going to take it just yet. I have an appointment on December 3rd with another doctor who specializes in helping women through menopause without the use of hormone therapy. I really want to see what she has to say before I start something new. The big side effects of this drug are sleepiness and possible swelling in the ankles and feet. He said it is such a low dose that I shouldn't experience too many side effects. He said to take it at night before bed and hopefully I will get better sleep due to the drug making you sleepy and the hot flashes will diminish a bit. I am still up 4-6 times a night with hot flashes and with every hot flash I have, I need to go to the bathroom. What I wouldn't give for a good nights sleep!!!!!
Next he said he is going to test my estrogen levels because my cycle has yet to return. The results this time won't mean anything but when I go back for my next followup he will test them again and see if there is any progress and hopefully determine if I am in permanent premature menopause due to chemotherapy treatments or if maybe it is just taking a while for my system to wake up. He said that most women who have a menstrual cycle before starting chemotherapy continue to have them after the treatment concludes. He even said the chemotherapy drugs he gave me don't generally cause a women to go into menopause. Either way I don't care because the hormone blockers I have to take for 10 years or longer will keep me in a state of menopause anyway, however the hot flashes wouldn't be so frequent and intense should my cycle return. I told him that I questioned chemotherapy because of what it has done to me, it really has diminished my quality of life. Until you experience these frequent (at least 1 an hour all day and night long) hot flashes along with heart racing, sweating, and an over all anxious feeling you wouldn't understand. There are even some that I have to sit or lie down, they literally knock me off of my feet. He then gave me the pep talk. He said that I am alive and well and I am able to continue seeing my daughter grow up and get to enjoy life experiences and of course I could not deny that!!! He then said that this won't go on forever, that over time they will start to diminish and hopefully go away all together. He said when I am 55 I should not be having any of these and I made the remark that some of my friends might be starting them and I will be all finished with them and he said yip! So I said that is good news and I guess I am just getting them over with early other than mine are more intense than if you go through menopause naturally but it is what it is. He said the only thing that would help me is hormone therapy and I asked him what if I wanted that, if I cannot handle these any more would he give it to me. He said he would not. I have such a high risk breast cancer that there is no way he would ever prescribe that to me and I said what if I found another doctor to give it to me then he said I couldn't be his patient any longer. We were laughing a little bit because I was half joking and half serious and I turned to him and said you love me that much? He said of course he does and he wants to see me alive and well. I totally understand and I won't even keep that thought of hormone therapy in my head any longer. I will remove it and just know that this is not an option for me, mainly because I don't want to find another oncologist, ha, ha. I love my doctor so much!!!
Anyway enough complaining about hot flashes and weight gain and all the other crappy things that come along with menopause. This was a great appointment and I received another clean bill of health.
One last note I graduated to 4 month follow up appointments now!!!!! Jeff was so cute when the doctor said that, he said "congratulations babe you made it". My next follow up isn't until March of 2016. Then Jeff and I went out to lunch to celebrate and then back to work for the day.
Update: I received my lab results back on the hormone levels. My estridol level is 8.1 PG/ML and FSH level is 53.9 MIU/ML. I have not talked with my doctor but when I searched online because that is what I do, these levels are consistent with menopause and the chances of having my ovaries wake up is pretty much a no go. We will test them again in 4 months when I go back to see if there are any changes.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
One year since diagnosis
Today, November 3rd, 2015 marks one year since I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. I was anticipating this day and how I would feel. Honestly I feel like it was ages ago that I had cancer and finished my treatments. I suppose that is a good thing. I also have a lot of other things that are currently happening that are on my mind instead of cancer. I am still missing my Abby girl like crazy. The routines we had with her are still fresh in my mind and I even find myself starting to grab her dish to feed her and looking for her to let her outside. Then my Kaci girl is sick with strep throat again, this is the 2nd time in 2 months. She seems to get strep and ear infections quite often. Because of her allergic reaction to 2 different classes of antibiotics they suggested we look at getting her tonsils out. I have made an appointment with an ear, nose and throat doctor and I am hoping we can do the surgery after Christmas when I am off of work and she is off of school. On top of all of this my credit card was compromised last Friday so I don't have access to my account. I should get everything a little later this week and then I need to go through the process to set up my bills with the new card number. It is such a pain!
So here I am on this super windy, rainy day. I am just going through the normal routines of my day. I am thankful for where I am at today. I feel really good emotionally even though I do have my moments when I get scared because I do not know what my future holds. I am ready to make vacation plans for next year but I get nervous to do so because that is so far out. I think I do better to make vacation plans after my 3 month doctor appointments when I get the all clear. I am trying my best to look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. These two holidays are very hard for me because of last year. I had my double mastectomy surgery a week before Thanksgiving so I had to have my family all pitch in and help out on Thanksgiving. I had them buy and bring things as well as help out with the last minute details in the kitchen. While they didn't mind it hurt me to know that I could not buy all the groceries and do it all myself. This year I will buy and do it all myself. I like to give them a day off. After all the years growing up they did so much on the holiday's to make it special for us, now it is our turn. I am looking forward to going black Friday shopping on Thanksgiving night this year. I know I am crazy but it is something I really love to do. Last year I was able to go to Walmart and that was it. I was totally wiped out. I am also looking forward to not having to put up my Christmas tree a week and a half before Thanksgiving like I did last year. I plan on enjoying Thanksgiving and then put up my Christmas decorations the next day. I am not as excited about Christmas as I used to be, at least the commercial part of it. Having cancer and starting chemo treatments in December have stolen some of that from me. I haven't really even started Christmas shopping and usually by now I have most of it done. I really need to enjoy the holiday's with my family this year and get out of my funk. I seriously don't know how many more we will all have together. Life changes fast and with God in control we really don't know what will happen.
So for today, I will try and make it as good as possible and not think about what happened last year. I look forward to many more good years being cancer free!
So here I am on this super windy, rainy day. I am just going through the normal routines of my day. I am thankful for where I am at today. I feel really good emotionally even though I do have my moments when I get scared because I do not know what my future holds. I am ready to make vacation plans for next year but I get nervous to do so because that is so far out. I think I do better to make vacation plans after my 3 month doctor appointments when I get the all clear. I am trying my best to look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. These two holidays are very hard for me because of last year. I had my double mastectomy surgery a week before Thanksgiving so I had to have my family all pitch in and help out on Thanksgiving. I had them buy and bring things as well as help out with the last minute details in the kitchen. While they didn't mind it hurt me to know that I could not buy all the groceries and do it all myself. This year I will buy and do it all myself. I like to give them a day off. After all the years growing up they did so much on the holiday's to make it special for us, now it is our turn. I am looking forward to going black Friday shopping on Thanksgiving night this year. I know I am crazy but it is something I really love to do. Last year I was able to go to Walmart and that was it. I was totally wiped out. I am also looking forward to not having to put up my Christmas tree a week and a half before Thanksgiving like I did last year. I plan on enjoying Thanksgiving and then put up my Christmas decorations the next day. I am not as excited about Christmas as I used to be, at least the commercial part of it. Having cancer and starting chemo treatments in December have stolen some of that from me. I haven't really even started Christmas shopping and usually by now I have most of it done. I really need to enjoy the holiday's with my family this year and get out of my funk. I seriously don't know how many more we will all have together. Life changes fast and with God in control we really don't know what will happen.
So for today, I will try and make it as good as possible and not think about what happened last year. I look forward to many more good years being cancer free!
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Goodbye Abby
Today was such a beautiful, sunny warm fall Halloween day. The sky was so blue with only a few high clouds and the smell of fall was in the air as I drove over to the vet clinic to send my sweet Abby girl to Heaven. She was my black lab that I adopted from the animal shelter over 12 years ago. She was approximately 13 years old. She was such a special, gentle soul. From the moment we got her we nursed her back to health as she was very sick.
She joined our little family as Jake's (yellow lab) new sister and our 2nd kid (dog). She was literally perfect in every way. She was gentle with everyone she met. She was so in tune with our feelings and emotions. In her younger years she was playful with Jake and didn't leave his side. She never had an accident in the house. She did however like to chew on wood and bones. Our poor deck in our first house suffered a little bit from her but we overlooked it because we loved her so much. She spent 2 years with us before we brought Kaci home from the hospital. We tried to prepare our dog family as much as we could for our new arrival. Jeff even took a blanket home from the hospital that Kaci had been wrapped in so they could smell it. When we got home the next day Abby immediately bonded with Kaci. We put Kaci on a blanket on the floor and Abby joined her (our favorite picture of the two of them). We never had any fear or worry that Abby would hurt Kaci or step on her. We knew Kaci was safe with Abby watching over her. Jake on the other hand could not be in the house if Kaci was on the floor, he was a very rambunctious dog and still to this day doesn't understand personal space.
Kaci was Abby's favorite sister, they hung out together all the time. Abby had to put up with Kaci ordering her around and playing dress up all of these years. She always did whatever Kaci wanted and I know she enjoyed the attention.
I am writing about Abby on my cancer blog because out of my three dogs she was really in tune with what was going on with me during my treatments. The night we shaved my head it was Abby who noticed and kept starring at me. I don't think she was starring because I looked so different, it was almost like she was saying she was so sorry I was having to go through something so hard. After each chemo treatment she would sniff me more than usual. I really feel that she knew what I was going through. She was just giving me her love and letting me know that she was there for me. I am so glad she waited until I was through my treatments to leave.
After we returned from our trip to Disneyworld, the pet sitter informed me that Abby did not eat her food on Saturday morning. We were home that afternoon and were not concerned because there was many days she would not eat. As the week went on and she still refused to eat, it appeared she got weaker with each day. She also kept hanging out in the family room with us and for the past couple of years she was mostly found on one of the beds. She liked her alone time! On Thursday Jeff called to tell me that he bought her some chicken nuggets from McDonalds and she wouldn't eat them. When she refused the people food then we knew we had a problem. He initially thought it might be her mouth and maybe she had an infected tooth or something. I made a vet appointment for 4PM. Jeff took Kaci to dance and then met us up there. Her temperature was 105 degrees and she was very dehydrated. The doctor said she needed to be hospitalized over night to hydrate her and see about getting the fever down with antibiotics. In the meantime they drew her blood for her a full blood panel. I had to take it down to their other clinic to be ran and then they called me within an hour. When he called to told me that she was anemic and her platelet count was very low and she was at risk of hemorrhaging at any time. He also said he took an x-ray of her spleen and noticed a mass that was pushing on her bowels. He said it doesn't look good and the only thing they could do for her would be a plasma transfusion and even yet that would only buy her a few more days. He recommended leaving her in the hospital to get hydrated and picking her up the next day. He couldn't give us a time frame but said it would probably only be a few more days that we had left with her. I picked her up on Friday afternoon with the instructions to feed her whatever I wanted and to say our goodbyes I got her home with Kaci and my neice who were out of school that day and I went back to work. Our plan was to spend the weekend with her and then decide the next week what day we would need to put her down or maybe she would pass at home. When I got home from work our house smelled terrible. I realized it was Abby. Her stomach was grumbling constantly and she had really bad gas. I almost wonder if it was her body shutting down. She was also bleeding from the mouth and from the spot on her back where they took her blood. Her platelet count was that low that her blood could not clot and we don't know what was going on in her mouth. That night I told her everything that I wanted to say and told her it was okay to leave. We all took our turns but when Jake who was sitting a little ways away from us started to cry, it broke our hearts. I slid him closer to us and he licked her in the face over and over as if to say his goodbye's too. Jeff slept with her that night on the living room floor since she needed out to go potty during the night. We all woke up early today and agreed she lost the sparkle in her eyes. Jeff and I decided that we would have her put down today. I called the vet a little before 9:00AM and our appointment was set for 11:15AM. After I called Abby needed out again to go potty. She slipped on the tile on the way out which was unusual for her. She made it down the deck stairs and went potty but on the way up the stairs she was out of breath and breathing really hard. I had to carry her the rest of the way. We fed her the canned dog food the vet gave us and some beef jerky, she scarfed it down and then needed out again. When we let her out this time she made it out to go pee and then she started to poo and it was really runny and her back end fell down. She tried to stand up and all 4 legs went out from under her. She couldn't stand back up. We all surrounded her and spent time with her outside. She loved laying out in the sunshine anyway so we knew she was happy to lay there for a while on the grass. After about a half hour I got her up just enough to walk to the downstairs basement door but when she saw the stairs she refused to go up. I carried her upstairs and laid her on the couch until it was time to leave. Jeff and Kaci drove Abby while Jake, Ely and I took the other car and left ahead of them so I could get into the vet to pay for everything. They were so nice and let us stay in the car with her until it was time and came out and got us. We were given a rather large room and all of us went into the room with me carrying Abby again, she could not stand up. They had a blanket down for Abby and she laid down on that. Jake joined her on the blanket and laid right beside her. We all sat on the floor while Ely checked the place out and even barked a few times because she could hear dogs on the other side of the door. That is not what we wanted, we wanted it very quiet and peaceful but Ely is still a kid and because she is part of our family we felt she needed to be there. The doctor came in and told us how sorry he was and then injected the medicine into Abby. We all had our hands on her so she didn't leave this world alone. I had closed her eyes as it was being injected. She went very fast and it was peaceful. Afterwards the doctor said that we could take as much time with her as we wanted. I was ready to go, I don't handle death that well but Jeff and Kaci wanted to stay longer. I got Jake and Ely ready to go and Ely went over and sniffed Abby but Jake didn't. I think he knows but he is very old too and senile and he gets really nervous at the vets office. We went home while Kaci and Jeff spent more time with her.
I cannot believe she is gone. I know I would not have her forever but when this day comes you are never prepared. She was seriously our kid. I would always say that I have 4 kids (one human kid and 3 canine kids). We loved her so much and always loved telling her story of how we got her from the animal shelter. She only had a couple of days left at the shelter before they would have euthanized her. We literally saved her life and in return she saved ours.
Goodbye my sweet Abby girl! Jake won't be too far behind you.
She joined our little family as Jake's (yellow lab) new sister and our 2nd kid (dog). She was literally perfect in every way. She was gentle with everyone she met. She was so in tune with our feelings and emotions. In her younger years she was playful with Jake and didn't leave his side. She never had an accident in the house. She did however like to chew on wood and bones. Our poor deck in our first house suffered a little bit from her but we overlooked it because we loved her so much. She spent 2 years with us before we brought Kaci home from the hospital. We tried to prepare our dog family as much as we could for our new arrival. Jeff even took a blanket home from the hospital that Kaci had been wrapped in so they could smell it. When we got home the next day Abby immediately bonded with Kaci. We put Kaci on a blanket on the floor and Abby joined her (our favorite picture of the two of them). We never had any fear or worry that Abby would hurt Kaci or step on her. We knew Kaci was safe with Abby watching over her. Jake on the other hand could not be in the house if Kaci was on the floor, he was a very rambunctious dog and still to this day doesn't understand personal space.
Kaci was Abby's favorite sister, they hung out together all the time. Abby had to put up with Kaci ordering her around and playing dress up all of these years. She always did whatever Kaci wanted and I know she enjoyed the attention.
I am writing about Abby on my cancer blog because out of my three dogs she was really in tune with what was going on with me during my treatments. The night we shaved my head it was Abby who noticed and kept starring at me. I don't think she was starring because I looked so different, it was almost like she was saying she was so sorry I was having to go through something so hard. After each chemo treatment she would sniff me more than usual. I really feel that she knew what I was going through. She was just giving me her love and letting me know that she was there for me. I am so glad she waited until I was through my treatments to leave.
After we returned from our trip to Disneyworld, the pet sitter informed me that Abby did not eat her food on Saturday morning. We were home that afternoon and were not concerned because there was many days she would not eat. As the week went on and she still refused to eat, it appeared she got weaker with each day. She also kept hanging out in the family room with us and for the past couple of years she was mostly found on one of the beds. She liked her alone time! On Thursday Jeff called to tell me that he bought her some chicken nuggets from McDonalds and she wouldn't eat them. When she refused the people food then we knew we had a problem. He initially thought it might be her mouth and maybe she had an infected tooth or something. I made a vet appointment for 4PM. Jeff took Kaci to dance and then met us up there. Her temperature was 105 degrees and she was very dehydrated. The doctor said she needed to be hospitalized over night to hydrate her and see about getting the fever down with antibiotics. In the meantime they drew her blood for her a full blood panel. I had to take it down to their other clinic to be ran and then they called me within an hour. When he called to told me that she was anemic and her platelet count was very low and she was at risk of hemorrhaging at any time. He also said he took an x-ray of her spleen and noticed a mass that was pushing on her bowels. He said it doesn't look good and the only thing they could do for her would be a plasma transfusion and even yet that would only buy her a few more days. He recommended leaving her in the hospital to get hydrated and picking her up the next day. He couldn't give us a time frame but said it would probably only be a few more days that we had left with her. I picked her up on Friday afternoon with the instructions to feed her whatever I wanted and to say our goodbyes I got her home with Kaci and my neice who were out of school that day and I went back to work. Our plan was to spend the weekend with her and then decide the next week what day we would need to put her down or maybe she would pass at home. When I got home from work our house smelled terrible. I realized it was Abby. Her stomach was grumbling constantly and she had really bad gas. I almost wonder if it was her body shutting down. She was also bleeding from the mouth and from the spot on her back where they took her blood. Her platelet count was that low that her blood could not clot and we don't know what was going on in her mouth. That night I told her everything that I wanted to say and told her it was okay to leave. We all took our turns but when Jake who was sitting a little ways away from us started to cry, it broke our hearts. I slid him closer to us and he licked her in the face over and over as if to say his goodbye's too. Jeff slept with her that night on the living room floor since she needed out to go potty during the night. We all woke up early today and agreed she lost the sparkle in her eyes. Jeff and I decided that we would have her put down today. I called the vet a little before 9:00AM and our appointment was set for 11:15AM. After I called Abby needed out again to go potty. She slipped on the tile on the way out which was unusual for her. She made it down the deck stairs and went potty but on the way up the stairs she was out of breath and breathing really hard. I had to carry her the rest of the way. We fed her the canned dog food the vet gave us and some beef jerky, she scarfed it down and then needed out again. When we let her out this time she made it out to go pee and then she started to poo and it was really runny and her back end fell down. She tried to stand up and all 4 legs went out from under her. She couldn't stand back up. We all surrounded her and spent time with her outside. She loved laying out in the sunshine anyway so we knew she was happy to lay there for a while on the grass. After about a half hour I got her up just enough to walk to the downstairs basement door but when she saw the stairs she refused to go up. I carried her upstairs and laid her on the couch until it was time to leave. Jeff and Kaci drove Abby while Jake, Ely and I took the other car and left ahead of them so I could get into the vet to pay for everything. They were so nice and let us stay in the car with her until it was time and came out and got us. We were given a rather large room and all of us went into the room with me carrying Abby again, she could not stand up. They had a blanket down for Abby and she laid down on that. Jake joined her on the blanket and laid right beside her. We all sat on the floor while Ely checked the place out and even barked a few times because she could hear dogs on the other side of the door. That is not what we wanted, we wanted it very quiet and peaceful but Ely is still a kid and because she is part of our family we felt she needed to be there. The doctor came in and told us how sorry he was and then injected the medicine into Abby. We all had our hands on her so she didn't leave this world alone. I had closed her eyes as it was being injected. She went very fast and it was peaceful. Afterwards the doctor said that we could take as much time with her as we wanted. I was ready to go, I don't handle death that well but Jeff and Kaci wanted to stay longer. I got Jake and Ely ready to go and Ely went over and sniffed Abby but Jake didn't. I think he knows but he is very old too and senile and he gets really nervous at the vets office. We went home while Kaci and Jeff spent more time with her.
I cannot believe she is gone. I know I would not have her forever but when this day comes you are never prepared. She was seriously our kid. I would always say that I have 4 kids (one human kid and 3 canine kids). We loved her so much and always loved telling her story of how we got her from the animal shelter. She only had a couple of days left at the shelter before they would have euthanized her. We literally saved her life and in return she saved ours.
Goodbye my sweet Abby girl! Jake won't be too far behind you.
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| 2003 with Jake right after we adopted her |
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| 2004 with her daddy |
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| 2005 with her new sister Kaci |
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| 2006 with Kaci watching the rain out the window |
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| 2007 with Kaci ready for duck hunting |
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| 2008 |
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| 2009 with Kaci at Sourdough |
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| 2010 |
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| 2011 New Years Eve with the family |
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| 2012 4-wheeling with me |
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| 2013 with Jake and her new sister Ely |
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| 2014 at Goblin Valley |
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| 2015 playing dress up with Kaci |
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| 2015 October 30th |
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| 2015 Jake saying goodbye on October 30th |
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| 2015 Saying our final goodbye at the vet hospital |
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Disneyworld
We were able to take our trip to Disneyworld (October 16th-24th). We had to wait a very long time to make this dream a reality. Last year we had it all planned as a Christmas gift for our family. We had to cancel less than 6 weeks out due to my diagnosis and starting chemo on the very week we were supposed to be gone. It was so hard to have to call and beg the airlines to refund my tickets because I needed the money for my upcoming medical bills. It took a lot of crying and begging but I got my money back on my non-refundable tickets. I then had to call Disney to get the money back that was spent on park tickets but they were really good and I didn't need to go into a lot of detail. Disney is awesome! We had reserved a condo from a friend and it was easy to get that canceled.
We decided to take this trip in October rather than waiting until December. I was nervous to wait any longer because I feel pretty good right now and I know how fast things can change, plus I didn't want to go at Christmas time because of what happened last year. We stayed at a Disney resort so everything was done for us. We didn't have to worry about transportation or how to get from the airport to the hotel, they took care of everything.
I was nervous at the airport because I didn't want to go through the full body scanners and if they were to ask me I know it is my right as a breast cancer survivor to tell them that I am not comfortable going through the scanner and they have to let me bypass it. Lucky for me I didn't have to have that conversation on either flight. I think since Kaci was by my side they just had us walk through the metal detector scanners. I don't know what I would have done if they told me to walk through it. I may have just walked through it and kept my head up high. I am different and my body is different but I need to learn to deal with the new me and not be embarrassed by it. I will get there one day but right now I am still dealing with my loss of body parts.
When I got on the airplane I had to wear my compression sleeve due to the lymph node removal. I am at a high risk of developing lymph-edema. I put it on and didn't think about the whole reason why I am wearing it and wondering if other people are looking at me and know why I am wearing it. I didn't let my mind go there. I was so excited for the trip I just didn't care.
We had such a great time and spent all 7 days in the parks walking mile and miles. I felt like we saw it all and didn't miss out on anything. My legs however gave me a great deal of pain each day. My legs have hurt daily since I finished chemo and I didn't think that it would be 10 times worse on this trip due to all the walking. I took a lot of pain pills just to get through the days. It was also hard to be out in the heat and humidity. I had hot flashes what felt like every 10 minutes. I was constantly dripping in sweat. My hair was also a curly mess the whole time. The humidity, sweating and curly hair, oh my!!!! There were only a few times I would look in the mirror in the restrooms but most of the time I would avoid them.
Regardless of the pain and being uncomfortable with the hot flashes I had the time of my life. I love my family so much and we enjoyed spending time with them and making memories to last a lifetime. While at the Magic Kingdom we did the Halloween party and we came home with 25lbs of candy from just the 4 of us. I can't believe how much candy they give out! I purposely didn't buy any Halloween candy because I knew we would have a lot of candy and I figure it is better to hand it out to the trick-or-treaters instead of eating it ourselves. I felt like we were gone a lot longer than 8 nights and was really looking forward to coming home to the colder air and the animals. I guess that is a good vacation when at the end of it you are ready to come home.
I sure hope that many more vacations are in my future, I just love to travel.
We decided to take this trip in October rather than waiting until December. I was nervous to wait any longer because I feel pretty good right now and I know how fast things can change, plus I didn't want to go at Christmas time because of what happened last year. We stayed at a Disney resort so everything was done for us. We didn't have to worry about transportation or how to get from the airport to the hotel, they took care of everything.
I was nervous at the airport because I didn't want to go through the full body scanners and if they were to ask me I know it is my right as a breast cancer survivor to tell them that I am not comfortable going through the scanner and they have to let me bypass it. Lucky for me I didn't have to have that conversation on either flight. I think since Kaci was by my side they just had us walk through the metal detector scanners. I don't know what I would have done if they told me to walk through it. I may have just walked through it and kept my head up high. I am different and my body is different but I need to learn to deal with the new me and not be embarrassed by it. I will get there one day but right now I am still dealing with my loss of body parts.
When I got on the airplane I had to wear my compression sleeve due to the lymph node removal. I am at a high risk of developing lymph-edema. I put it on and didn't think about the whole reason why I am wearing it and wondering if other people are looking at me and know why I am wearing it. I didn't let my mind go there. I was so excited for the trip I just didn't care.
We had such a great time and spent all 7 days in the parks walking mile and miles. I felt like we saw it all and didn't miss out on anything. My legs however gave me a great deal of pain each day. My legs have hurt daily since I finished chemo and I didn't think that it would be 10 times worse on this trip due to all the walking. I took a lot of pain pills just to get through the days. It was also hard to be out in the heat and humidity. I had hot flashes what felt like every 10 minutes. I was constantly dripping in sweat. My hair was also a curly mess the whole time. The humidity, sweating and curly hair, oh my!!!! There were only a few times I would look in the mirror in the restrooms but most of the time I would avoid them.
Regardless of the pain and being uncomfortable with the hot flashes I had the time of my life. I love my family so much and we enjoyed spending time with them and making memories to last a lifetime. While at the Magic Kingdom we did the Halloween party and we came home with 25lbs of candy from just the 4 of us. I can't believe how much candy they give out! I purposely didn't buy any Halloween candy because I knew we would have a lot of candy and I figure it is better to hand it out to the trick-or-treaters instead of eating it ourselves. I felt like we were gone a lot longer than 8 nights and was really looking forward to coming home to the colder air and the animals. I guess that is a good vacation when at the end of it you are ready to come home.
I sure hope that many more vacations are in my future, I just love to travel.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
My first haircut almost 7 months post chemo
Yesterday I got my first haircut almost 7 months post chemo. The back of my hair was looking more and more like a mullet with each passing day. Brandie asked me how I wanted it cut and I told her to do what she thinks is best, I am no expert on short hair. I have never had short hair. She trimmed quite a bit of the curl off of the neckline and then blended it with the back of my hair. She trimmed other areas that were a little uneven. Then she blew it dry and used the flat iron to create a spiky/ messy look. I loved it! It was cut into an actual style for the fist time since I completed chemo.
Of course this morning when I was doing my hair I cannot come close to how cute she styled it. The flat iron is still hard for me to use because my hair is still very short. I came close though. I was able to flatten out some of the curl but having the neckline curls cut off makes me feel so much more confident. The neckline is where I had the super tight perm like curls and I seriously thought I had the look of an old lady hairstyle minus the gray. The rest of my hair is almost more wavy than curly, I can handle that!
I honestly thought that the chemo curl would not happen to me and then it did! Then I thought it would go away after 6 months like most peoples do and it didn't! I might be the unlucky one or maybe the lucky one who gets to keep it forever. I might not mind the curls once my hair grows out and some weight is put on it. It might turn out to be a nice pretty curl. Either way for now I really need to embrace the curl and refrain from using the blow dryer and flat iron on it every day. Right now my hair is brand new with no damage at all and if I keep using the heat then we all know what will happen- split ends!!!!
Here is a picture from yesterday but it is a selfie and I don't do selfies much so I am not very good at them but you can get the idea.
Of course this morning when I was doing my hair I cannot come close to how cute she styled it. The flat iron is still hard for me to use because my hair is still very short. I came close though. I was able to flatten out some of the curl but having the neckline curls cut off makes me feel so much more confident. The neckline is where I had the super tight perm like curls and I seriously thought I had the look of an old lady hairstyle minus the gray. The rest of my hair is almost more wavy than curly, I can handle that!
I honestly thought that the chemo curl would not happen to me and then it did! Then I thought it would go away after 6 months like most peoples do and it didn't! I might be the unlucky one or maybe the lucky one who gets to keep it forever. I might not mind the curls once my hair grows out and some weight is put on it. It might turn out to be a nice pretty curl. Either way for now I really need to embrace the curl and refrain from using the blow dryer and flat iron on it every day. Right now my hair is brand new with no damage at all and if I keep using the heat then we all know what will happen- split ends!!!!
Here is a picture from yesterday but it is a selfie and I don't do selfies much so I am not very good at them but you can get the idea.
Monday, October 12, 2015
My first breast cancer walk
This past Saturday (October 10, 2015) was the American Cancer Society, making strides against breast cancer walk at Liberty Park. I registered a while ago online and shortly after a gal from the American Cancer Society called to invite me. I wanted to attend because the American Cancer Society has been so good to me. When I was first diagnosed I turned to them and met with a gal up at McKay Dee Hospital who also happened to be a daughter of a very good friend of ours (both Jeff and I worked with him in the past). She gave me so many resources such as the Look Good Feel Better make up class that I was able to attend while going through treatment. With that class I was given high quality make up as well as tips and tricks to do my make up without any eye lashes or eye brows. Of course my eyes watered the whole time I was on chemo so makeup wasn't really an option for me during the course of my treatment but I have since enjoyed using all the makeup I was given. They also gave me a brand new wig and numerous hats that they had. I didn't end up wearing that wig because I found the one that I purchased was more like me. My goal this winter is to get everything together and take it back to the American Cancer Society for someone else that might be able to use them.
When we arrived at Liberty Park I was so overwhelmed with emotion. There was pink everywhere! There was also a survivor tent where I was given a long sleeve "Survivor" t-shirt as well as a darling Halloween Craft. They also had waters and the most delicious cupcakes ever. I had tears in my eyes more than once on Saturday. I could not believe how many people there were to support such a great cause. I felt proud to be there as a survivor. I didn't fund raise-this year because I was so busy having fun after my crappy past year but next year I am going to fund-raise like crazy. The day was beautiful and weather was perfect. The walk was 3.1 miles and we completed the entire thing.
Later that night Kaci went with her friend and Jeff and I were sitting down eating dinner when he said that he had tears in his eyes seeing some people in front of us at the walk that on shirts that said walking in memory of _____________. He said I don't ever want to walk in memory of you, I want to walk with you!!! It made me cry. I saw those people with the shirts too and thought the same thing. I always want to be out there walking with my family and supporting a great cause. I love that my family joined me at this walk. In fact it was them that was pushing me to go. I kind of wanted to bag it after a crazy summer of being gone almost every weekend. It sounded good to me to just stay home, sleep in and relax but Jeff kept saying I think we should go and Kaci wanted to go too and was upset when I was considering not going. Overall, it was a great experience and one that I will support in the future.
Here are some pictures from the day.
When we arrived at Liberty Park I was so overwhelmed with emotion. There was pink everywhere! There was also a survivor tent where I was given a long sleeve "Survivor" t-shirt as well as a darling Halloween Craft. They also had waters and the most delicious cupcakes ever. I had tears in my eyes more than once on Saturday. I could not believe how many people there were to support such a great cause. I felt proud to be there as a survivor. I didn't fund raise-this year because I was so busy having fun after my crappy past year but next year I am going to fund-raise like crazy. The day was beautiful and weather was perfect. The walk was 3.1 miles and we completed the entire thing.
Later that night Kaci went with her friend and Jeff and I were sitting down eating dinner when he said that he had tears in his eyes seeing some people in front of us at the walk that on shirts that said walking in memory of _____________. He said I don't ever want to walk in memory of you, I want to walk with you!!! It made me cry. I saw those people with the shirts too and thought the same thing. I always want to be out there walking with my family and supporting a great cause. I love that my family joined me at this walk. In fact it was them that was pushing me to go. I kind of wanted to bag it after a crazy summer of being gone almost every weekend. It sounded good to me to just stay home, sleep in and relax but Jeff kept saying I think we should go and Kaci wanted to go too and was upset when I was considering not going. Overall, it was a great experience and one that I will support in the future.
Here are some pictures from the day.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
1 year ago today I found my lump
Today marks 1 year since I was laying down in my bed and decided to check my breasts and found a rather large lump/mass in my right breast. I remember that feeling I had when I found it and kept thinking it was not real but kept feeling it. I had that sickening feeling in my stomach telling me something was not right. I went to sleep and forgot about it for the night. I tried to forget about the next day but would get that same feeling stomach every time I would think about it. I would not tell anybody about it until the next day when I decided to tell Jeff and he encouraged me to call my doctor. I am so thankful for him because I am not sure I would have called otherwise. I was scared and did not want to know what it was but on the other hand I did want to know what it was (if that makes sense).
Today I am in a good place. I am thankful that this is all behind me and I am not dwelling on the fact that 1 year ago today I found it. I am thankful I found it and hopefully will be around for many more years since I decided to go forth with all the recommended treatments. So today, I will celebrate my life and my future. I will not let cancer get me down today!!!
Today I am in a good place. I am thankful that this is all behind me and I am not dwelling on the fact that 1 year ago today I found it. I am thankful I found it and hopefully will be around for many more years since I decided to go forth with all the recommended treatments. So today, I will celebrate my life and my future. I will not let cancer get me down today!!!
Thursday, October 1, 2015
How I feel about October- breast cancer awarness month
Here it is now October 1st, the start of breast cancer awareness month. This is a day I have been dreading for quite some time. I have had a lot of anxiety leading up to this day, not because it is breast cancer awareness month but because this is the month last year that my world turned upside down.
Last night I basically had a mental melt down. I had so many things to do and with knowing that the next day was October 1st, it was too much to bear. I ended up telling my family that I would not be making dinner and that I needed to go to my dark bedroom and lay down. Kaci was so sweet and said that she would make dinner for us. She made us mac and cheese, it was so very nice of her to give me a night off.
I keep telling my mind to stop it! I don't want another day wasted on worrying about stupid breast cancer but it is hard and sometimes my mind does go down that road. I have to stop myself and pray when these feelings overwhelm me. I have some new pains in my chest area and also on the back of my shoulder and I think these are making my anxiety worse. They have been there for about a month but I won't go get them checked out for two reasons. Reason one being I had a few trips planed that I wanted to take without any additional stress, in case it is bad. Reason two being, a huge trip to Disneyworld here shortly, the same trip I had to cancel last year due to my diagnosis. I don't want anything to stop us from taking this trip to Disneyworld as it is mine and my family's reward for everything we have had to go through this past year. My next doctor's appointment is in November so I may just wait until that time or I may decide to go once I have taken my trips. I know it is crazy that these trips mean so much to me but they do. After my treatments were done I had a list of all the things I wanted to do this year in case it is my last and after Disneyworld, then I have crossed them all off. If things turn for the worse at least I am full filled in all the fun experiences I have had this last half of the year. I have had a lot of medical bills this year as well as bills from my trips that I will have to get paid but right now I don't care about the money I just want my family to enjoy experiences and make lots of good memories.
I have never paid much attention to October and breast cancer awareness and it is just a coincidence that I found my lump on October 6th of last year. I would like to encourage everyone out there to do monthly breast exams, they are so important especially if you are under 40 and don't yet qualify to get a mammogram and even if you are over 40. I found my lump from a self breast exam and I wish now I would have done them more often and maybe I would have found it sooner before it had time to grow so large and spread to my lymph nodes.
It breaks my heart to find out about someone else who is diagnosed with this terrible disease. I like a lot of breast cancer Facebook pages and when someone new posts on them I like to send them a private message telling them how sorry I am that they have been dealt this cancer card and that I am here for them if they have any questions and I in turn usually share my blog. I know when I was first diagnosed I felt so alone and someone shared their blog with me (thank you Pamela Payne) and I knew right then and there that this is what I needed to do also. Her blog literally saved me and made me feel like I wasn't alone. I have so many new friends who have gone through or are going through treatments right now. I cherish their friendships and their drives to fight! I don't know that I will get to meet any of them in person in this lifetime as they are scattered all over but they are very dear to me as we are bonded by this terrible disease. I have so many blog readers from all over the world now and while they do not comment I can only hope that I am out there helping them. Helping others is what I am meant to do with my experience. I am also so very grateful for the gals that reached out to me who are friends/acquaintances of my friends (Andrea, Holly and Ginger just to name a few) who shared their experiences with breast cancer with me along with my special aunt Karen who was also battling breast cancer at the same time. We spent hours on the phone helping and supporting one another.
Please if someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer the best thing you can do for them is to be there for them. Always try and take time out of your busy day just to make a phone call, visit or test message them. It is so hard to feel so alone and a great support team helps so much.
Bring on October, I can do this!!!!
Last night I basically had a mental melt down. I had so many things to do and with knowing that the next day was October 1st, it was too much to bear. I ended up telling my family that I would not be making dinner and that I needed to go to my dark bedroom and lay down. Kaci was so sweet and said that she would make dinner for us. She made us mac and cheese, it was so very nice of her to give me a night off.
I keep telling my mind to stop it! I don't want another day wasted on worrying about stupid breast cancer but it is hard and sometimes my mind does go down that road. I have to stop myself and pray when these feelings overwhelm me. I have some new pains in my chest area and also on the back of my shoulder and I think these are making my anxiety worse. They have been there for about a month but I won't go get them checked out for two reasons. Reason one being I had a few trips planed that I wanted to take without any additional stress, in case it is bad. Reason two being, a huge trip to Disneyworld here shortly, the same trip I had to cancel last year due to my diagnosis. I don't want anything to stop us from taking this trip to Disneyworld as it is mine and my family's reward for everything we have had to go through this past year. My next doctor's appointment is in November so I may just wait until that time or I may decide to go once I have taken my trips. I know it is crazy that these trips mean so much to me but they do. After my treatments were done I had a list of all the things I wanted to do this year in case it is my last and after Disneyworld, then I have crossed them all off. If things turn for the worse at least I am full filled in all the fun experiences I have had this last half of the year. I have had a lot of medical bills this year as well as bills from my trips that I will have to get paid but right now I don't care about the money I just want my family to enjoy experiences and make lots of good memories.
I have never paid much attention to October and breast cancer awareness and it is just a coincidence that I found my lump on October 6th of last year. I would like to encourage everyone out there to do monthly breast exams, they are so important especially if you are under 40 and don't yet qualify to get a mammogram and even if you are over 40. I found my lump from a self breast exam and I wish now I would have done them more often and maybe I would have found it sooner before it had time to grow so large and spread to my lymph nodes.
It breaks my heart to find out about someone else who is diagnosed with this terrible disease. I like a lot of breast cancer Facebook pages and when someone new posts on them I like to send them a private message telling them how sorry I am that they have been dealt this cancer card and that I am here for them if they have any questions and I in turn usually share my blog. I know when I was first diagnosed I felt so alone and someone shared their blog with me (thank you Pamela Payne) and I knew right then and there that this is what I needed to do also. Her blog literally saved me and made me feel like I wasn't alone. I have so many new friends who have gone through or are going through treatments right now. I cherish their friendships and their drives to fight! I don't know that I will get to meet any of them in person in this lifetime as they are scattered all over but they are very dear to me as we are bonded by this terrible disease. I have so many blog readers from all over the world now and while they do not comment I can only hope that I am out there helping them. Helping others is what I am meant to do with my experience. I am also so very grateful for the gals that reached out to me who are friends/acquaintances of my friends (Andrea, Holly and Ginger just to name a few) who shared their experiences with breast cancer with me along with my special aunt Karen who was also battling breast cancer at the same time. We spent hours on the phone helping and supporting one another.
Please if someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer the best thing you can do for them is to be there for them. Always try and take time out of your busy day just to make a phone call, visit or test message them. It is so hard to feel so alone and a great support team helps so much.
Bring on October, I can do this!!!!
Monday, September 28, 2015
Another trip (Best Friends Animal Sanctuary)
This past weekend (September 24th-September 27th) Kaci and I along with Debby were able to take a trip to Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab, Utah. We planned this trip a year ago last August and this was the only trip that was planned last year that we didn't have to cancel due to my cancer diagnosis. We decided to keep the reservations and see what the next year brought. Good news for me, I was feeling great and still wanted to go on this trip.
We were able to stay on property at one of the cottages. We volunteered each day for two shifts each with the exception of our last day where we only did one shift. We volunteered with the dogs, cats and rabbits. It was such a rewarding experience. They need the volunteers to walk the dogs and to socialize with all the animals as well as a little bit of cleaning. If they had to hire enough care takers then they wouldn't have much money left over to help the animals. It was amazing and we met some really neat cats and dogs. It was so hard to not take them home with us. They do have nice living conditions unlike the shelters but it is still not a home and that one special person to bond to.
We were able to take a dog "Happy" on a sleepover one night. He is a rottie mix and the sweetest thing ever. He was so good with Kaci and was so happy the entire time, hence his name. He joined us about 3:30PM and we took him on many walks but he would not potty. Finally at 9:30PM that night he went potty but that was after coaxing him for over a half our. We were ready to throw in the towel and just let him go on the floor if he needed to. He slept with me in my bed all night. He loved being comfortable on the sofa and the bed. We had to return him at 8:00AM the next morning and then be to our next area to volunteer by 8:15AM. I sure hope someone adopts him soon, he was rescued from New Mexico. The next night we decided to take 2 kitties from the FELV room. These kitties probably won't ever get adopted because of their illness and most only live 2-4 years after diagnosis. These cats have to live with other cats that have this same virus or else they will infect the healthy cats. We though the cats would be easier than Happy, boy were we wrong. These silly girls kept us up all night with digging in their litter box and jumping up on our beds and purring all night long. It was worth it though, it was nice to give them some one on one attention.
I highly recommend a visit to this place if your travels takes you out this way. People come from all over the United States just to visit and volunteer at this sanctuary. Some even adopt from them without a visit as they will fly most cats and dogs to their new homes. These are some really special animals and it was such a gift to me that we got to meet them.
I love the co-founders and all they did to get this place up and running. I only wish I was able to do something like this. I have such a soft spot in my heart for animals, always have and always will. When I was going through treatments my 3 dogs and cat were there for me every step of the way. Animals just know when something is not right and they tend to cuddle up to you and give you more loves than usual. I was so worried I was going to lose Jake during my treatments but he hung on and I think he hung on for me. I just couldn't lose my first born fur kid while I was going through everything. I do think our time left with him is getting shorter by the day. He is falling down all the time, his back legs won't hold him up anymore.
I have had the time of my life the past few months. I have seriously been so busy this summer and I still have a couple more trips left. After all I went through I vowed to myself that I will make this the best half year of my life and that it has been!!!! I will find a way to pay for these trips later on. I just had to make sure to get them in now while I feel good and as a reward to me and my family for what we have been through. After these next 2 trips then we will take a break for the winter. Hopefully next year will be good to us and we can travel a little bit more.
We were able to stay on property at one of the cottages. We volunteered each day for two shifts each with the exception of our last day where we only did one shift. We volunteered with the dogs, cats and rabbits. It was such a rewarding experience. They need the volunteers to walk the dogs and to socialize with all the animals as well as a little bit of cleaning. If they had to hire enough care takers then they wouldn't have much money left over to help the animals. It was amazing and we met some really neat cats and dogs. It was so hard to not take them home with us. They do have nice living conditions unlike the shelters but it is still not a home and that one special person to bond to.
We were able to take a dog "Happy" on a sleepover one night. He is a rottie mix and the sweetest thing ever. He was so good with Kaci and was so happy the entire time, hence his name. He joined us about 3:30PM and we took him on many walks but he would not potty. Finally at 9:30PM that night he went potty but that was after coaxing him for over a half our. We were ready to throw in the towel and just let him go on the floor if he needed to. He slept with me in my bed all night. He loved being comfortable on the sofa and the bed. We had to return him at 8:00AM the next morning and then be to our next area to volunteer by 8:15AM. I sure hope someone adopts him soon, he was rescued from New Mexico. The next night we decided to take 2 kitties from the FELV room. These kitties probably won't ever get adopted because of their illness and most only live 2-4 years after diagnosis. These cats have to live with other cats that have this same virus or else they will infect the healthy cats. We though the cats would be easier than Happy, boy were we wrong. These silly girls kept us up all night with digging in their litter box and jumping up on our beds and purring all night long. It was worth it though, it was nice to give them some one on one attention.
I highly recommend a visit to this place if your travels takes you out this way. People come from all over the United States just to visit and volunteer at this sanctuary. Some even adopt from them without a visit as they will fly most cats and dogs to their new homes. These are some really special animals and it was such a gift to me that we got to meet them.
I love the co-founders and all they did to get this place up and running. I only wish I was able to do something like this. I have such a soft spot in my heart for animals, always have and always will. When I was going through treatments my 3 dogs and cat were there for me every step of the way. Animals just know when something is not right and they tend to cuddle up to you and give you more loves than usual. I was so worried I was going to lose Jake during my treatments but he hung on and I think he hung on for me. I just couldn't lose my first born fur kid while I was going through everything. I do think our time left with him is getting shorter by the day. He is falling down all the time, his back legs won't hold him up anymore.
I have had the time of my life the past few months. I have seriously been so busy this summer and I still have a couple more trips left. After all I went through I vowed to myself that I will make this the best half year of my life and that it has been!!!! I will find a way to pay for these trips later on. I just had to make sure to get them in now while I feel good and as a reward to me and my family for what we have been through. After these next 2 trips then we will take a break for the winter. Hopefully next year will be good to us and we can travel a little bit more.
Monday, September 14, 2015
Medical Menopause Sucks!!!!!
I try and keep the things I say on here positive but sometimes I have to be real so that people understand that just because I am done with my treatments doesn't mean that I am back to feeling great and 100% normal and done with the side effects.
Chemo can do a number on your body and the side effects will last a lifetime. I still have not gotten my period back. I am still in menopause and the longer I go without my cycle the more likely it is that I am in permanent menopause. There are so many things that go along with this that I didn't even know until it happened to me. Also because it happened medically and not on its own the side effects tend to be worse. Even if my cycle does appear sometime in the future these side effects will remain because of the hormone blockers I have to take for at least 10 years if not more.
I am still having so many hot flashes every day. Along with getting super hot and sweaty, my heart races and makes me quite anxious. Times this by about 30 of them a day and I am just down right uncomfortable. My doctor says that they will die down over time but he cannot tell me how much time it will take. My only relief would be to go on hormone therapy and receive estrogen supplements but with my cancer being hormone receptor positive this would only be nutrition for the cancer cells in my body. I have tried the antidepressants that some people say helps to minimize their hot flashes and while I was only on it for 3 months, I didn't notice that it helped at all so rather than having my body become addicted to them, I chose to quit them cold turkey.
Along with the hot flashes I get what feels like cold flashes. I am rarely at a comfortable temperature. I am usually extremely hot or extremely cold. It is so hard!!!!
The skin near my nail beds on both my hands and feet continue to crack and bleed. No amount of moisturizer seems to help. I knew my skin would be dry once I lacked the estrogen but overall elsewhere on my body it seems to be under control but I do put on moisturizer on every day but there is no relief for my hands.
I have to urinate often. Apparently this is another side effect of menopause and the lack of estrogen in your body. I usually get up about 6-8 times during the night. With each hot flash, I have to go to the bathroom even if I just barely went. I spend a lot of time in the bathroom and washing my hands which might be why my fingers are suffering from so much dryness.
I also cannot lose any weight. I have been exercising and eating right for quite some time now and the weight won't come off. Another side effect of stupid menopause brought on my cancer treatments!!! I hate it. I am having a really hard time looking at myself in the mirror. I have never been this heavy. I will continue to eat right and exercise anyway. It is worth it to me to keep my body healthy even if it doesn't show.
My legs hurt all the time. My doctor said it is probably arthritis due to menopause. It sure came on fast. My last cycle was last December and I started with the pain in May. Some days are worse than others but I seriously walk like an old lady. The pain is mostly concentrated in my heels but my hips do hurt at least once or twice a week. I still get on the tread mill every single day and just walk through the pain. I am starting to learn to live with constant pain.
I think back on all of those years I just took my health for granted. I was given so many good years. I do not like that chemo has taken its toll on my body. What's done is done and I cannot go back and change it even if I wanted to. Sometimes I question myself on my choice to do chemo. Sure I am here and I am alive but my quality of life is suffering greatly. I won't even go into how it has affected my intimate relationship with my husband. You get the idea!!!! I am just so thankful that I have the best husband in the world who is so supportive and understanding. I know without a doubt that he truly loves me and our love is so much deeper than all of this.
Breast Cancer and it's treatments are really hard and I did not know about all of this that happens following the treatments. It's hard to say what I would have done had I known all of this.
Chemo can do a number on your body and the side effects will last a lifetime. I still have not gotten my period back. I am still in menopause and the longer I go without my cycle the more likely it is that I am in permanent menopause. There are so many things that go along with this that I didn't even know until it happened to me. Also because it happened medically and not on its own the side effects tend to be worse. Even if my cycle does appear sometime in the future these side effects will remain because of the hormone blockers I have to take for at least 10 years if not more.
I am still having so many hot flashes every day. Along with getting super hot and sweaty, my heart races and makes me quite anxious. Times this by about 30 of them a day and I am just down right uncomfortable. My doctor says that they will die down over time but he cannot tell me how much time it will take. My only relief would be to go on hormone therapy and receive estrogen supplements but with my cancer being hormone receptor positive this would only be nutrition for the cancer cells in my body. I have tried the antidepressants that some people say helps to minimize their hot flashes and while I was only on it for 3 months, I didn't notice that it helped at all so rather than having my body become addicted to them, I chose to quit them cold turkey.
Along with the hot flashes I get what feels like cold flashes. I am rarely at a comfortable temperature. I am usually extremely hot or extremely cold. It is so hard!!!!
The skin near my nail beds on both my hands and feet continue to crack and bleed. No amount of moisturizer seems to help. I knew my skin would be dry once I lacked the estrogen but overall elsewhere on my body it seems to be under control but I do put on moisturizer on every day but there is no relief for my hands.
I have to urinate often. Apparently this is another side effect of menopause and the lack of estrogen in your body. I usually get up about 6-8 times during the night. With each hot flash, I have to go to the bathroom even if I just barely went. I spend a lot of time in the bathroom and washing my hands which might be why my fingers are suffering from so much dryness.
I also cannot lose any weight. I have been exercising and eating right for quite some time now and the weight won't come off. Another side effect of stupid menopause brought on my cancer treatments!!! I hate it. I am having a really hard time looking at myself in the mirror. I have never been this heavy. I will continue to eat right and exercise anyway. It is worth it to me to keep my body healthy even if it doesn't show.
My legs hurt all the time. My doctor said it is probably arthritis due to menopause. It sure came on fast. My last cycle was last December and I started with the pain in May. Some days are worse than others but I seriously walk like an old lady. The pain is mostly concentrated in my heels but my hips do hurt at least once or twice a week. I still get on the tread mill every single day and just walk through the pain. I am starting to learn to live with constant pain.
I think back on all of those years I just took my health for granted. I was given so many good years. I do not like that chemo has taken its toll on my body. What's done is done and I cannot go back and change it even if I wanted to. Sometimes I question myself on my choice to do chemo. Sure I am here and I am alive but my quality of life is suffering greatly. I won't even go into how it has affected my intimate relationship with my husband. You get the idea!!!! I am just so thankful that I have the best husband in the world who is so supportive and understanding. I know without a doubt that he truly loves me and our love is so much deeper than all of this.
Breast Cancer and it's treatments are really hard and I did not know about all of this that happens following the treatments. It's hard to say what I would have done had I known all of this.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
End of summer
This last weekend for Labor Day we were able to go with our friends camping at Bear Lake. While the weather wasn't the best it was still so much fun. We went to the beach, taught the kids how to play the lottery in Idaho, did Minnetonka Cave, rented the silly bicycles at the KOA, had a campfire and movie night, went out for a Big Ephraim pizza and milkshakes. The kids played so hard on the playground, jumping pillow, miniature golf and swimming pool. We didn't want the weekend to end it was just so perfect. We already have another trip planned for next year to Dinosaur Land in Vernal, we cannot wait.
I am getting a little nervous as fall sets in as this was when I was diagnosed with cancer. I know this fall will be better than the last but I get nervous the closer it gets. Those feelings I had last year are starting to resurface. I just need to keep busy as it approaches. I still have a few more trips coming up that I am really excited about but once they end and life slows down that is when I need to keep my mind from going down "that road".
After I finished radiation in May I was determined to make this last half of 2015 be the best every and so far I must say that I am happier than I have ever been and so grateful to be alive and healthy. This summer was honestly the best I have ever had and I am so thankful for good friends and family that I was able to share it with. Here is to many more!!!!
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Clean bill of health
Yesterday I went to see my oncologist for my first official 3 month follow up,. My cute cousin Debbie greeted me and took my vitals and took my blood for a CBC. I get so nervous going to that place since it doesn't have very good memories for me. It is hard to believe that I go there just for an office visit now and not for chemo. It even has a very distinct smell and makes me really uncomfortable. Maybe the further away I get from chemo I won't get so anxious to go there for a doctors visit.
When my doctor walked in he made a comment on my hair and said that I almost have more hair than Jeff. I told him I have more hair than him now but it is very curly so it is hard to see the difference in length. We had a good laugh. After that he talked to me about how I have been feeling.
I feel great with the exception of the joints in my legs. He said that is normal and sometimes caused by chemotherapy but it is probably arthritis due to lack of estrogen in my body. It may be here to stay. I also told him that I am unhappy with my weight gain since all of this started. He looked at my chart and said that I really didn't gain that much weight compared to most people. I feel like I have gained a lot because when you are short and gain 20lbs it appears to be quite a bit. I told him how I have tried to exercise but it is very painful on my legs. He told me take some Ibuprofen or Tylenol about a half our before I start and see if that helps. I am to the point now that I just need to buck up and live with the pain because I need to start exercising. I need to get this 20lbs off as well as a few more.
Lack of estrogen in a women's body can create so many uncomfortable symptoms. I am going to have to get used to it because if I feed my body estrogen through hormone therapy the cancer will surely grow back. Right now I am still in menopause. My doctor is still calling it temporary until you don't have a cycle for one full year after finishing chemotherapy. I am only about 5 months out from finishing chemo. I still have a tremendous amount of hot flashes every day. If I had to guess, on most days I probably have 1-3 an hour, so do the math and that amounts to quit a bit. I never understood why women would complain about them so much but now I know. Not only do they make you super hot and sweaty, they also make your heart race and an anxious feeling overtakes your body. They are terrible and I don't wish them on anybody. Because I got thrown in to menopause at a younger age it will take my body quite some time to adjust before they start to dissipate and hopefully go away forever. My mom says she still gets a couple of them a month, what I wouldn't give to only have a couple of them a month!!!! At least I am alive and for the time being healthy.
My CBC (complete blood count) all came back within the normal ranges so that was good. I have a risk for Leukemia because of the AC chemo I had. They will watch my blood for the rest of my life because of it.
We are not going to do any scans or anything like that because unless I have a symptom there is no need. That way I get so save myself the anxiety and I will have more money for other things. I want to experience all that I can right now while I am feeling good. I love vacations with my family because we always make such great memories and memories are what we will take with us when we die.
At the end of the appointment my doctor said that he is giving me a clean bill of health.
My next appointment will be in November. Until then I hope all goes well and I can enjoy my time and all the fun things that I have planned for the next couple of months.
When my doctor walked in he made a comment on my hair and said that I almost have more hair than Jeff. I told him I have more hair than him now but it is very curly so it is hard to see the difference in length. We had a good laugh. After that he talked to me about how I have been feeling.
I feel great with the exception of the joints in my legs. He said that is normal and sometimes caused by chemotherapy but it is probably arthritis due to lack of estrogen in my body. It may be here to stay. I also told him that I am unhappy with my weight gain since all of this started. He looked at my chart and said that I really didn't gain that much weight compared to most people. I feel like I have gained a lot because when you are short and gain 20lbs it appears to be quite a bit. I told him how I have tried to exercise but it is very painful on my legs. He told me take some Ibuprofen or Tylenol about a half our before I start and see if that helps. I am to the point now that I just need to buck up and live with the pain because I need to start exercising. I need to get this 20lbs off as well as a few more.
Lack of estrogen in a women's body can create so many uncomfortable symptoms. I am going to have to get used to it because if I feed my body estrogen through hormone therapy the cancer will surely grow back. Right now I am still in menopause. My doctor is still calling it temporary until you don't have a cycle for one full year after finishing chemotherapy. I am only about 5 months out from finishing chemo. I still have a tremendous amount of hot flashes every day. If I had to guess, on most days I probably have 1-3 an hour, so do the math and that amounts to quit a bit. I never understood why women would complain about them so much but now I know. Not only do they make you super hot and sweaty, they also make your heart race and an anxious feeling overtakes your body. They are terrible and I don't wish them on anybody. Because I got thrown in to menopause at a younger age it will take my body quite some time to adjust before they start to dissipate and hopefully go away forever. My mom says she still gets a couple of them a month, what I wouldn't give to only have a couple of them a month!!!! At least I am alive and for the time being healthy.
My CBC (complete blood count) all came back within the normal ranges so that was good. I have a risk for Leukemia because of the AC chemo I had. They will watch my blood for the rest of my life because of it.
We are not going to do any scans or anything like that because unless I have a symptom there is no need. That way I get so save myself the anxiety and I will have more money for other things. I want to experience all that I can right now while I am feeling good. I love vacations with my family because we always make such great memories and memories are what we will take with us when we die.
At the end of the appointment my doctor said that he is giving me a clean bill of health.
My next appointment will be in November. Until then I hope all goes well and I can enjoy my time and all the fun things that I have planned for the next couple of months.
Much needed vacation
This summer has been super busy with us camping every weekend except one since Memorial Day. We have had so much fun as a family and have enjoyed taking our friends with us as well. We have made some really good memories. I kept saying that this was going to be my funnest summer every and it sure did not disappoint.
This past week we went on a 10 day RV road trip. Our first stop was Bear Lake, Utah for 3 nights and then we went to Grand Teton National Park and stayed at Colter Bay for 4 nights. Then we went to Island Park Idaho where we visited Yellowstone National Park for 3 nights.
Each year I like to go to Grand Teton and Yellowstone. Last year it got cut short because of a severe allergic reaction that I had. There was no explanation as to why this occurred as they tested me for everything possible. I still think it had to do with my cancer. I really believe that this was from my cancer spreading to my lymph nodes.
This year was absolutely perfect. My family of three went, along with both of our mom's. We had the best time. We didn't have a whole lot planned so the days were quite relaxing. I love Colter Bay, it is truly my happy place and there isn't any other place in the world I would rather be than Grand Teton. It is heaven on earth!!! We have already started planning next year (I have to book the RV Park at Colter at least 6-8 months out in order to get a place). We are going to stay at Colter Bay the entire time as all of us really love it there.
This vacation ended up being my favorite vacation ever. I think I feel that way because my life has a new meaning and after everything I went through this past year it was just what I needed. I felt so far away from cancer and even forgot what I had went through. It is funny how vacations and the beautiful majestic scenery can ease all of your stress and fears. Of course after 10 nights it was time to come home and waiting for me Monday morning was my 1st official 3 month follow up with my oncologist.
This past week we went on a 10 day RV road trip. Our first stop was Bear Lake, Utah for 3 nights and then we went to Grand Teton National Park and stayed at Colter Bay for 4 nights. Then we went to Island Park Idaho where we visited Yellowstone National Park for 3 nights.
Each year I like to go to Grand Teton and Yellowstone. Last year it got cut short because of a severe allergic reaction that I had. There was no explanation as to why this occurred as they tested me for everything possible. I still think it had to do with my cancer. I really believe that this was from my cancer spreading to my lymph nodes.
This year was absolutely perfect. My family of three went, along with both of our mom's. We had the best time. We didn't have a whole lot planned so the days were quite relaxing. I love Colter Bay, it is truly my happy place and there isn't any other place in the world I would rather be than Grand Teton. It is heaven on earth!!! We have already started planning next year (I have to book the RV Park at Colter at least 6-8 months out in order to get a place). We are going to stay at Colter Bay the entire time as all of us really love it there.
This vacation ended up being my favorite vacation ever. I think I feel that way because my life has a new meaning and after everything I went through this past year it was just what I needed. I felt so far away from cancer and even forgot what I had went through. It is funny how vacations and the beautiful majestic scenery can ease all of your stress and fears. Of course after 10 nights it was time to come home and waiting for me Monday morning was my 1st official 3 month follow up with my oncologist.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Benign!!!!
I had to wait all weekend to find out that this mass is benign. I don't know exactly what it is until I see my doctor tomorrow, but for now I am sooooo happy!!!!!! Thank you to everybody who saw my posts on Facebook for your prayers and words of encouragement, it means a lot to me.
Update: August 4, 2015. Today I met with my surgeon. She examined me and said that the mass feels smaller and I have to agree. Why? We don't know. Either way she said both herself and the radiologist feel 100% confident that this is nothing more than scar tissue. I feel better about it all now that I met with her. I will go back in 3 months for another check up unless of course I feel it changing. I walked away, finally with good news. Throughout my entire journey things always got worse with each biopsy, surgery and appointment. I am so happy right now, I can't stand it!!!!
Update: August 4, 2015. Today I met with my surgeon. She examined me and said that the mass feels smaller and I have to agree. Why? We don't know. Either way she said both herself and the radiologist feel 100% confident that this is nothing more than scar tissue. I feel better about it all now that I met with her. I will go back in 3 months for another check up unless of course I feel it changing. I walked away, finally with good news. Throughout my entire journey things always got worse with each biopsy, surgery and appointment. I am so happy right now, I can't stand it!!!!
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
New Lump
Today I had an appointment with my surgeon Dr. Grunander. I found a lump in my armpit area. I found it a couple of weeks ago and as hard as I tried to just forget about it, I couldn't. She examined it and said it may be scar tissue but she wanted an ultrasound done. After a few minutes they came and got us and took us to the ultrasound room. Lisa the tech had a hard time getting an image so that they could measure it. Dr. Stevenson came in and between the both of them they got something to show up on the machine. He wanted to do a biopsy just to be sure. I had to go through that whole experience again with the numbing shot, the needle to draw out cells and what sounds and feels like a staple gun that clips away tissue. This time I had Jeff and Kaci with me and I was much more calm. I am a lot tougher now than I was that first time for sure. Now I have to wait for pathology. I talked to Jen, Dr. Grunander's nurse and she said she might have it back by Friday and Dr. Grunander told her she could give me the results over the phone. I am anxiously waiting to find out the results. For some reason in my heart I just feel that it is going to be nothing. I have been praying super hard for this to turn out good but I also know that God has a plan for me and what will be will be. I know some people don't believe that way but I do and it helps me get through all of my life's trials.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Tamoxifen and how I am feeling almost 16 weeks post chemo
I started Tamoxifen a month ago today. It is an estrogen blocker and since my cancer was 100% estrogen positive, I really don't have a choice, I must use this drug to help prevent the cancer from coming back.
I had a couple of options. I could take Tamoxifen and see how I handle it, however if I am in permanent menopause then I will need to switch to an aromatase inhibitor drug. If my period does not return after a year of being done with chemo then I am in permanent menopause brought on by chemo. The aromatase inhibitor drugs are harder on the joints but are used in post menopausal women to help prevent a re-occurrence. Or I could have had my ovaries suppressed with a shot every three months or opt for permanent ovary removal and take the aromatase inhibitor drugs that might give me an even better chance of survival. Just when you think you are done with breast cancer treatments you are not! These drugs are taken for a period of 10 years and diminish your quality of life, however they might extend your life. So what do you do?
Right now being on Tamoxifen I haven't noticed too many side effects. I still get my regular hot flashes. I felt that Effexor wasn't doing anything for the hot flashes so I went off of it right at the time I started Tamoxifen. This was not advised by my doctor but the more I read up on Effexor the more scared I got. I have put on 20lbs since March and my doctor said that is normal since chemo does shut your system down and your hormones are out of wack. I think the weight gain was from Effexor because I had not gained weight up until the point I started Effexor. My period stopped and I got hot flashes immediately after my first dose of AC chemo so I would think I would have started gaining weight right away with the shutdown of my system. I was able to eat just fine throughout chemo. I am not one to take any sort of medication unless absolutely necessary so that is why I decided to stop Effexor. The hot flashes are terrible but I think I am getting more used to them and to the lack of sleep because of them. The other side effect that I have now that I am on Tamoxifen is cold chills. These are strange in the way that they make me shaky and extremely cold until they pass. These are just as bad as the hot flashes in a different kind of way. I also find that I get short tempered with things that normally would not have gotten me so worked up. I am trying to work on that, I don't like being grouchy! As far as my mood, I still feel super positive and am not depressed at all. I could be depressed but I chose to just live in the moment and not look to far into the future. I also don't let the scars, weight gain or my short boy haircut get to me even though I hate all of them. I am just happy to be alive right now. My scars won't go anywhere, maybe some of the weight will come off and my hair will grow. I try not to obsess about these things because when I die and go to Heaven I will be perfect and none of this will matter. I do not want these negative things to affect my quality of life that I have left.
I will stay on Tamoxifen and try and finish out my 10 years unless my doctor wants to switch me to the other drugs. I don't feel like Tamoxifen is diminishing my quality of life too much. I think my hot flashes are here to stay so therefore there is no need to go off of Tamoxifen.
This may all change the longer I am on the drug and if it does and I feel like my quality of life is diminished them I might chose to stop taking it. It isn't so hard taking it when I look at my family. I want to be there with them, I don't want to leave this life anytime soon. But of course it is not up to me.
One thing that I am experiencing right now is a lot of leg and foot pain. I am sore when I try and stand up from sitting too long or get out of bed in the morning. This all started after I finished chemo but prior to starting Tamoxifen. I have not discussed it with my doctor yet because it started after my appointment I had with him in May. From what I gather on the internet (not good, I know) I believe it is post chemo rheumatism (joint pain). I feel like I walk like an old lady these days. I don't know if it will go away eventually or not. Right now I just deal with the pain and will talk it over with my doctor when I go back the middle of August for a follow up.
As far as everything else goes my energy level is back to normal. I feel great and I am up for anything. I don't want life to pass by without experiencing everything I can. Before I used to pass up things because I was tired or wanted to take a nap, now if something is going on, I am all over it. We have been super busy since summer started. Since memorial day we have been camping every weekend except one. We still have 4 more weekends left at Sourdough (our camping lot in the mountains) then we will go on a 10 day RV Trip journey to Bear Lake, Grand Teton National Park and West Yellowstone. I am so excited for the camping trips I have left. We might even have more if we chose to put our trailer back up on Sourdough. We will decide that when we get home from the RV trip.
I had a couple of options. I could take Tamoxifen and see how I handle it, however if I am in permanent menopause then I will need to switch to an aromatase inhibitor drug. If my period does not return after a year of being done with chemo then I am in permanent menopause brought on by chemo. The aromatase inhibitor drugs are harder on the joints but are used in post menopausal women to help prevent a re-occurrence. Or I could have had my ovaries suppressed with a shot every three months or opt for permanent ovary removal and take the aromatase inhibitor drugs that might give me an even better chance of survival. Just when you think you are done with breast cancer treatments you are not! These drugs are taken for a period of 10 years and diminish your quality of life, however they might extend your life. So what do you do?
Right now being on Tamoxifen I haven't noticed too many side effects. I still get my regular hot flashes. I felt that Effexor wasn't doing anything for the hot flashes so I went off of it right at the time I started Tamoxifen. This was not advised by my doctor but the more I read up on Effexor the more scared I got. I have put on 20lbs since March and my doctor said that is normal since chemo does shut your system down and your hormones are out of wack. I think the weight gain was from Effexor because I had not gained weight up until the point I started Effexor. My period stopped and I got hot flashes immediately after my first dose of AC chemo so I would think I would have started gaining weight right away with the shutdown of my system. I was able to eat just fine throughout chemo. I am not one to take any sort of medication unless absolutely necessary so that is why I decided to stop Effexor. The hot flashes are terrible but I think I am getting more used to them and to the lack of sleep because of them. The other side effect that I have now that I am on Tamoxifen is cold chills. These are strange in the way that they make me shaky and extremely cold until they pass. These are just as bad as the hot flashes in a different kind of way. I also find that I get short tempered with things that normally would not have gotten me so worked up. I am trying to work on that, I don't like being grouchy! As far as my mood, I still feel super positive and am not depressed at all. I could be depressed but I chose to just live in the moment and not look to far into the future. I also don't let the scars, weight gain or my short boy haircut get to me even though I hate all of them. I am just happy to be alive right now. My scars won't go anywhere, maybe some of the weight will come off and my hair will grow. I try not to obsess about these things because when I die and go to Heaven I will be perfect and none of this will matter. I do not want these negative things to affect my quality of life that I have left.
I will stay on Tamoxifen and try and finish out my 10 years unless my doctor wants to switch me to the other drugs. I don't feel like Tamoxifen is diminishing my quality of life too much. I think my hot flashes are here to stay so therefore there is no need to go off of Tamoxifen.
This may all change the longer I am on the drug and if it does and I feel like my quality of life is diminished them I might chose to stop taking it. It isn't so hard taking it when I look at my family. I want to be there with them, I don't want to leave this life anytime soon. But of course it is not up to me.
One thing that I am experiencing right now is a lot of leg and foot pain. I am sore when I try and stand up from sitting too long or get out of bed in the morning. This all started after I finished chemo but prior to starting Tamoxifen. I have not discussed it with my doctor yet because it started after my appointment I had with him in May. From what I gather on the internet (not good, I know) I believe it is post chemo rheumatism (joint pain). I feel like I walk like an old lady these days. I don't know if it will go away eventually or not. Right now I just deal with the pain and will talk it over with my doctor when I go back the middle of August for a follow up.
As far as everything else goes my energy level is back to normal. I feel great and I am up for anything. I don't want life to pass by without experiencing everything I can. Before I used to pass up things because I was tired or wanted to take a nap, now if something is going on, I am all over it. We have been super busy since summer started. Since memorial day we have been camping every weekend except one. We still have 4 more weekends left at Sourdough (our camping lot in the mountains) then we will go on a 10 day RV Trip journey to Bear Lake, Grand Teton National Park and West Yellowstone. I am so excited for the camping trips I have left. We might even have more if we chose to put our trailer back up on Sourdough. We will decide that when we get home from the RV trip.
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