Here it is now October 1st, the start of breast cancer awareness month. This is a day I have been dreading for quite some time. I have had a lot of anxiety leading up to this day, not because it is breast cancer awareness month but because this is the month last year that my world turned upside down.
Last night I basically had a mental melt down. I had so many things to do and with knowing that the next day was October 1st, it was too much to bear. I ended up telling my family that I would not be making dinner and that I needed to go to my dark bedroom and lay down. Kaci was so sweet and said that she would make dinner for us. She made us mac and cheese, it was so very nice of her to give me a night off.
I keep telling my mind to stop it! I don't want another day wasted on worrying about stupid breast cancer but it is hard and sometimes my mind does go down that road. I have to stop myself and pray when these feelings overwhelm me. I have some new pains in my chest area and also on the back of my shoulder and I think these are making my anxiety worse. They have been there for about a month but I won't go get them checked out for two reasons. Reason one being I had a few trips planed that I wanted to take without any additional stress, in case it is bad. Reason two being, a huge trip to Disneyworld here shortly, the same trip I had to cancel last year due to my diagnosis. I don't want anything to stop us from taking this trip to Disneyworld as it is mine and my family's reward for everything we have had to go through this past year. My next doctor's appointment is in November so I may just wait until that time or I may decide to go once I have taken my trips. I know it is crazy that these trips mean so much to me but they do. After my treatments were done I had a list of all the things I wanted to do this year in case it is my last and after Disneyworld, then I have crossed them all off. If things turn for the worse at least I am full filled in all the fun experiences I have had this last half of the year. I have had a lot of medical bills this year as well as bills from my trips that I will have to get paid but right now I don't care about the money I just want my family to enjoy experiences and make lots of good memories.
I have never paid much attention to October and breast cancer awareness and it is just a coincidence that I found my lump on October 6th of last year. I would like to encourage everyone out there to do monthly breast exams, they are so important especially if you are under 40 and don't yet qualify to get a mammogram and even if you are over 40. I found my lump from a self breast exam and I wish now I would have done them more often and maybe I would have found it sooner before it had time to grow so large and spread to my lymph nodes.
It breaks my heart to find out about someone else who is diagnosed with this terrible disease. I like a lot of breast cancer Facebook pages and when someone new posts on them I like to send them a private message telling them how sorry I am that they have been dealt this cancer card and that I am here for them if they have any questions and I in turn usually share my blog. I know when I was first diagnosed I felt so alone and someone shared their blog with me (thank you Pamela Payne) and I knew right then and there that this is what I needed to do also. Her blog literally saved me and made me feel like I wasn't alone. I have so many new friends who have gone through or are going through treatments right now. I cherish their friendships and their drives to fight! I don't know that I will get to meet any of them in person in this lifetime as they are scattered all over but they are very dear to me as we are bonded by this terrible disease. I have so many blog readers from all over the world now and while they do not comment I can only hope that I am out there helping them. Helping others is what I am meant to do with my experience. I am also so very grateful for the gals that reached out to me who are friends/acquaintances of my friends (Andrea, Holly and Ginger just to name a few) who shared their experiences with breast cancer with me along with my special aunt Karen who was also battling breast cancer at the same time. We spent hours on the phone helping and supporting one another.
Please if someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer the best thing you can do for them is to be there for them. Always try and take time out of your busy day just to make a phone call, visit or test message them. It is so hard to feel so alone and a great support team helps so much.
Bring on October, I can do this!!!!
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