Today I had another 3 month check up with my oncologist. I really didn't have any anxiety leading up to the appointment but I did have anxiety right before it. I had to talk to myself many times to settle down. I wasn't anxious about the appointment itself, I was anxious to step foot into the office. I honestly feel like my diagnosis and treatments were forever ago, in another life even. So when I have to go back to that office for an appointment it is almost like a slap in the face. Reality sets in that this really did happen and I am forever changed by it. Jeff met me in the parking lot and we walked in together. I held my head high and opened the door and walked right in to the reception desk and checked in myself. Normally, I had Jeff do it for me just because I had such a hard time mentally doing it myself. I am so thankful for my husband and all the support he continues to give me.
I got called back shortly after we checked in and my blood was drawn from my one good arm, except I didn't drink a thing before my appointment so it was difficult and slow to get enough blood for the tests. I stepped on the scale and have even lost a few pounds since my last appointment in August. I wish I could lose more but I have many other things to focus on rather than fighting with my weight. Of course menopause makes it darn near impossible to lose it anyway and life is short so I chose to focus on other things that bring me happiness. My appearance isn't everything and while I do look a lot different these days with my weight and my short curly old lady hairstyle, I continue to be happy. I am happy to be healthy and alive and do all the fun things I like to do.
Next we met with my doctor and he said my blood test results look great. I told him I have been feeling great. I still have some pain in my legs but walking on the treadmill 3-5 times a week seems to be helping them. I also mentioned some pain in the chest area but I think it is from the radiation, scar tissue etc. and he agreed. He said as long as I didn't feel any lumps or bumps I should be okay. I still have hot flashes like crazy and so we discussed the anti-seizure medication Gabapentin because I absolutely refuse to take any anti-anxiety medication for hot flashes, I do not like their side effects or the way your body becomes dependent on them . He pulled up a study of women who were experiencing hot flashes who were on this medication and also a placebo and studies show that this medication really helped cool quite a few of the women's hot flashes. I think I am going to give it a try. He called in the prescription for me but I am not going to take it just yet. I have an appointment on December 3rd with another doctor who specializes in helping women through menopause without the use of hormone therapy. I really want to see what she has to say before I start something new. The big side effects of this drug are sleepiness and possible swelling in the ankles and feet. He said it is such a low dose that I shouldn't experience too many side effects. He said to take it at night before bed and hopefully I will get better sleep due to the drug making you sleepy and the hot flashes will diminish a bit. I am still up 4-6 times a night with hot flashes and with every hot flash I have, I need to go to the bathroom. What I wouldn't give for a good nights sleep!!!!!
Next he said he is going to test my estrogen levels because my cycle has yet to return. The results this time won't mean anything but when I go back for my next followup he will test them again and see if there is any progress and hopefully determine if I am in permanent premature menopause due to chemotherapy treatments or if maybe it is just taking a while for my system to wake up. He said that most women who have a menstrual cycle before starting chemotherapy continue to have them after the treatment concludes. He even said the chemotherapy drugs he gave me don't generally cause a women to go into menopause. Either way I don't care because the hormone blockers I have to take for 10 years or longer will keep me in a state of menopause anyway, however the hot flashes wouldn't be so frequent and intense should my cycle return. I told him that I questioned chemotherapy because of what it has done to me, it really has diminished my quality of life. Until you experience these frequent (at least 1 an hour all day and night long) hot flashes along with heart racing, sweating, and an over all anxious feeling you wouldn't understand. There are even some that I have to sit or lie down, they literally knock me off of my feet. He then gave me the pep talk. He said that I am alive and well and I am able to continue seeing my daughter grow up and get to enjoy life experiences and of course I could not deny that!!! He then said that this won't go on forever, that over time they will start to diminish and hopefully go away all together. He said when I am 55 I should not be having any of these and I made the remark that some of my friends might be starting them and I will be all finished with them and he said yip! So I said that is good news and I guess I am just getting them over with early other than mine are more intense than if you go through menopause naturally but it is what it is. He said the only thing that would help me is hormone therapy and I asked him what if I wanted that, if I cannot handle these any more would he give it to me. He said he would not. I have such a high risk breast cancer that there is no way he would ever prescribe that to me and I said what if I found another doctor to give it to me then he said I couldn't be his patient any longer. We were laughing a little bit because I was half joking and half serious and I turned to him and said you love me that much? He said of course he does and he wants to see me alive and well. I totally understand and I won't even keep that thought of hormone therapy in my head any longer. I will remove it and just know that this is not an option for me, mainly because I don't want to find another oncologist, ha, ha. I love my doctor so much!!!
Anyway enough complaining about hot flashes and weight gain and all the other crappy things that come along with menopause. This was a great appointment and I received another clean bill of health.
One last note I graduated to 4 month follow up appointments now!!!!! Jeff was so cute when the doctor said that, he said "congratulations babe you made it". My next follow up isn't until March of 2016. Then Jeff and I went out to lunch to celebrate and then back to work for the day.
Update: I received my lab results back on the hormone levels. My estridol level is 8.1 PG/ML and FSH level is 53.9 MIU/ML. I have not talked with my doctor but when I searched online because that is what I do, these levels are consistent with menopause and the chances of having my ovaries wake up is pretty much a no go. We will test them again in 4 months when I go back to see if there are any changes.
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