Second AC Chemotherapy Treatment

Monday the 29th was my second treatment of AC.  Kaci painted my nails a tangerine color and two nails with silver sparkles, I love them!  Kaci loves that she can paint my nails before chemo treatments.  We met with Dr. Stinnett before and he said I seemed to have handled round one just fine.  He said the part that is cumulative will be with the fatigue and it might last a little longer this time.  He said he doesn't believe that the nausea or any other symptoms I had would increase any.  I sure hope not, in fact he said I might handle this dose a little easier than the first.  The fatigue is not fun at all but it is better than being nauseated.  After the brief exam then I was taken into the chemo room where Debbie took my blood.  My counts bounced back just like they needed to.  Kaci came to this treatment with us and we did word finds, ate snacks and she played on her Kindle.  Debbie was sure to include Kaci on everything she was doing to me.  For some reason I felt like we were done a lot sooner than last time.  We got there at 11:00AM and we were done by 3:00PM.

I was able to talk to others who were also having chemo, my new friend Pam was there again getting her Taxol and while we were talking Trish from the Look Good Feel Better Program called and said we can take the class on Thursday, January 8th, I handed my phone over to Pam because she wanted to sign up too, so now there will be three of us.  I had another girl beside me who was asleep most of the time but when she woke up I asked her if she wanted to come too.  She said she wanted to, so I gave her all of the information.  It will be nice to have the three of us in this class and also another gal that we don't know.  Erin is the new gals' name and she is 31 years old and has breast cancer in both breasts and in her lymph nodes.  She is doing chemo first and then surgery and radiation in March.  She has a 10 year old and an 8 year old.  She and her husband were getting ready to move back to southern California after she graduated from Weber State University this fall, however she had to drop out with everything that went on.  Now they have to wait until she is well enough to complete her last semester before they can move.  There were definitely things we had to give up too because of my diagnosis but I have learned you can be depressed over it or just roll with the game we call life.  I chose the latter.  It is the only way.  The last people I met were a women that was there with her sister.  The sister has stage 1V breast cancer and she had breast cancer seven years ago as had her aunts on both sides of her family but not one of them tested positive for BRCA.  I cannot believe how many people both young and old are getting breast cancer.  I am so thankful to get to know all of these new people that I would not have met otherwise.  In fact I look forward to going to chemo to see who I get to meet next.

After we were done we headed to Winegar's to fill another anti-nausea medicine in case the others don't work.  I came home and took an hour nap with my kitty cat Ash, and then woke up had some mac and cheese for dinner and just took it easy.  I was super nauseated when I went to lay down at 9:00PM so I found some piano classical music on my kindle and listened to that.  It must have worked because it was still laying next to me at 2:00PM with my earphones in but the music was off.

Only two more doses of AC (I am half way through the yucky stuff!).  I can't wait to be done with AC.  Bring on Taxol!

Bad hair day to no hair day

This morning I woke up and immediately combed my hair and it was coming out a lot more than it did yesterday.  I knew all along today was the day we would shave it, I just didn't know what time of the day I wanted to do it.  I decided to get it done and over with this morning.  We started a little after 11:00AM.  Kaci gave me bangs and cut it short all over, she said I looked like Taylor Swift (ha, ha).  I told her this was the one and only time she could play "beauty shop" on a real person.  I told her to never ever cut her fiends hair or let her friends cut her hair or even cut her own hair and she said she wouldn't.  She is a good kid and I am sure I don't have to worry about that. I just had to make that clear because you never know!  I only hope she had fun cutting my hair because she was so emotional since we weren't doing it just for fun.  After she worked her magic then Jeff took over with the clippers and shaved it all off, he even shaved it into a mohawk before he took the rest off, unfortunately none of us laughed.  I was immediately cold, it's funny how the hair on your head keeps you warm.  I rinsed my head in the kitchen sink and then put a hat on.  It took me a while to finally look at myself in the mirror and when I did it was only for 5 seconds.  This was by far the hardest part.  I have had so much anxiety over this day for weeks now.  I am so glad it is done now because I can relax. I also put all of my makeup on right before we did it so I couldn't cry too much or else my mascara would run into my eyes and sting them.  I know I am crazy sometimes but whatever helps me.  I did cry but not hard, just tears here and there.  Poor Kaci was crying so hard and I asked her afterwards if I wasn't crying would she still have cried and she said yes.  I think this part has been the hardest on her and I kind of thought that this would make it real for her.  Up until this point she hasn't been fazed by too much and I am glad.  I put on my wig shortly after and I look just like me.  I am so grateful for Michelle at Creative Wigs who cut it twice for me until we got it just right.  She is amazing!  So now I just have to get through 7 more treatments of chemo and then I can watch my hair start growing back.  I guess that will be my reward at the end of all of this.  At least I get something out of it, right?  Kaci hasn't left my side for most of the day.  She is so worried about me.  I have taken this pretty well considering how much I have lost so far from cancer.  I even took a shower this evening and with my mirror and razor in hand I shaved off the stubble that remained.  It feels better under my hat now, it was getting caught and pulling a little bit.  I figure after this week the rest of the stubble that I wasn't able to get will fall out on it's own. 

After the haircut we immediately got to work on cleaning our house.  It has been two weeks and it was in need of a cleaning especially after taking down all of our Christmas decor.  Kaci and I started in the bathrooms and Jeff started repairing all the holes in the walls and painting.  We do this every year after Christmas but we did skip last year so there were quite a few to repair.  It looks so much nicer not looking at the dings we had.  They drive us crazy.   After he was done with that then he vacuumed the house.  I love that my house is clean especially since I will be spending the next week here home bound.

I wanted to add a picture of my real hair before we cut it off and then a picture of my wig.  I purchased a long hair wig just like my hair was before I cut it shorter.  I then had the wig cut to shoulder length but still did not like it so I had it cut a second time to look exactly like my new shorter cut.  I think it is a very close match and I am happy with it and feel like me when I put it on.

Round 1 of AC Chemo (side effects December 15th-December 27th)

This is a very long post detailing how my 2 weeks went with my first dose of AC.  I have been updating this nightly but waited to publish it all at once.   

Dec 15th (Monday, Day 1) I came home from treatment very tired and feeling very fuzzy.  I became nauseous so I took both of the anti-nausea pills, ate dinner and went to sleep for the night.

Dec 16th (Tuesday, Day 2) I woke up very fuzzy still but went to work for 3-1/2 hours, I don't remember much of any of it.  I now know that I won't do that again and will stay home and rest the day after.  Still a little nauseous but not too bad, only took a anti-nausea pill in the morning.  I felt great later in the evening and even stayed up later than normal.

Dec 17th (Wednesday, Day 3) I woke up and took anti-nausea pills right away, I was very nauseous all day long and could only think about what I ate on Monday during the treatment and wanted to throw up, I cannot get it out of my head.  I am not sure I will ever eat another sugar cookie or a sandwich made at home again!  I took my pills on a schedule and did not skip.  I only took the sleepy anti-nausea pills during the night.  I did not work today.

Dec 18th (Thursday, Day 4) I woke up and took an anti-nausea pill 1 hour before getting out of bed along with crackers and water.  Then got ready for work.  Jeff and I took a small walk up to the mailbox, my left foot was hurting and not sure if it was from Neulasta shot or what.  Came home and took a nap before work, got to work around 10AM and stayed until 2:00PM.  Went home and took a nap until Kaci got home.  Took her to dance at 4:15PM and went home and took another nap then I went with Jeff to pick her up.  Came home and took both anti-nausea pills and went to bed by 7:00PM.

Dec 19 (Friday, Day 5)- I woke up and took anti-nausea pills on schedule.  Got in the shower and tried three times to get ready for work but could not make it happen.  I am not nauseous but I am very tired and exhausted.  I have never felt like this before so I don't even know how to explain it.  It is hard to even hold the phone up to my ear to talk on it, I feel that weak.  I did not work today.  I have slept the whole day away again.  As long as I am sleeping I do not feel depressed so I would like to say I am doing great in that regard.  I am hoping that this weekend I will start to get some of my energy back.  Especially with Christmas next week.

Dec 20 (Saturday, Day 6)- Today Kaci and I went to the mall.  I wanted to look for some hats at Quilted Bear and then look around at Aeropostale and Old Navy.  We made it through Quilted Bear and I didn't find anything.  We wandered into Burlington Coat Factory and I found one beanie hat and Kaci and I both found a scarf that we liked.  Standing in line I felt so exhausted and hot, I didn't know how I would make it home after.  We went back into the mall and sat down for a little while and then went to the food court to get something to drink. I was feeling very anxious because I didn't know how I would make it to the food court let alone drive us home.  We skipped Aeropostale and Old Navy and went back out though Quilted Bear.  Kaci wanted to spend some of her own money and get some stuffed animals.  While she shopped I sat on the floor in Quilted Bear with tears in my eyes at how weak and defeated I felt.  I have never felt fatigue like this before.  After her purchase we headed home.  I came home and took a three hour nap.  Kaci didn't notice a thing, she thought we had been shopping all day and was happy because she got a cute scarf and her stuffed animals.  I am glad this experience didn't faze her.  Later that night we went out for pizza and drove to Layton to look at the lights.  We were going to go to Roy also but I just wanted to get home and lay down.  

Dec 21 (Sunday, Day 7)- I felt my best today.  I had more energy than I have had since the treatment.  I did two loads of laundry and then lounged the day away with my family.  We watched a few TV programs and just relaxed.  About 6PM a monstrous headache hit.  I couldn't sleep at all, it felt like my head was resting on concrete when I would lay down.  I don't know that I have had a headache like this one before.  It made me very dizzy and nauseous.  I slept from 11:30PM until 1:30AM and then I was up until about 4:40AM and in a lot of pain.  Then I was able to fall back asleep until about 6AM.  I took Tylenol for pain but it didn't touch my headache.  Normally I would have taken Ibuprofen or Alleve but I was told I cannot take them because they thin your blood and my blood will already be dangerously thin from the treatment alone.

December 22nd (Monday, Day 8)- Kaci woke us up at 4:00AM because she didn't feel good, she is coming down with a cold.  The timing is so bad right now for these sicknesses she keeps bringing home.  I went to lay on the floor in my closet in my bathroom when I woke up at 6AM because my stomach was so upset from being dizzy from my headache and anxious for my nadir visit with the oncologist this morning.  My appointment was at 10:50AM and just the thought and smell of the chemo room as well as accessing blood from my port made me nauseous.  I was going to go to work today and just leave for the appointment but I couldn't get off of the bathroom floor and I was so tired from the lack of sleep.  I decided to bag work for the day and slept as soon as Kaci left for school at 8:10AM until 9:00AM.  I knew I had to put the numbing cream on my port at 9:50AM if I wanted blood drawn from that.  Because of my anxiety I decided to not have them draw blood from my port but rather to stick my arm instead.  I calmed down considerably after making this decision.  I stayed in bed until 10:00AM, then got up and brushed my teeth, got dressed, put on a hat and a little mascara and we were out the door for my appointment.  A nadir visit is where your blood counts are at their lowest levels. They also want to talk to you about how the week has been and see how low the levels are.  We got to the appointment and Nikkol took my vitals and then she was able to draw my blood out of my arm and I didn't have to go to the chemo room!  I was so very excited that I made this decision for a needle stick in my arm instead of my port because then I would have had to go to the chemo room for the blood draw.  I have to figure out a way to gear up for Monday the 29th for chemotherapy.  Seriously the though and smell of that room make me nauseous just like that.  After the blood was drawn we were able to meet Nancy who is Dr. Stinnett's P.A. What a very kind, loving and caring person she is.  She told me my white blood cell count is 0.0% so I have no immunity what so ever.  My platelet count was also very low which is your bloods ability to clot.  She said this is normal for 1 week out but it makes me so nervous because Kaci is sick.  I have had a terrible sore throat and swollen glands since Friday but she didn't seem to concerned, apparently chemotherapy can cause that as well.  I just hope I am not coming down with Kaci's cold.  Nancy said that by Christmas my counts should be going up and I should be feeling good and to make sure that I enjoy my time with my family.  Nancy also gave me an antibiotic for an infection in my lymph node incision that is hurting like crazy.  Who would have thought that 5 weeks post op I would develop an infection.  She said after 7 days or if it gets larger than the 1" it is now that I would need to go see my surgeon.  On top of that I have a terrible sore inside my nose that is making the outside of my nose turn red and affecting my eye.  My eye is constantly watering from it.  I am a mess right now but if I didn't have the sore in my nose, the sore throat, the headache, or the infection I really do feel my energy has improved since the treatment.  Obviously it is not where it normally is but it is a significant improvement over where it has been.  After the appointment Jeff and I decided to grab a hamburger at Crown Burger.  We walked in and it was very crowded, I told Jeff to get it to go and I went to the car.  I don't know what I was thinking, I was just told to stay away from sick people and large crowds during nadir.  Jeff brought our food to the car and we had a picnic, it was nice with just the two of us.  It is crazy these small moments mean so much to me.  Then we had to head to Winegar's to pick up my antibiotic and try and find some Excederin non-asprin to help kick my headache at the advise of Nancy.  Of course Winegar's didn't have it so went home and I called mom to see  if she was still working and could pick me some up.  She was able to find some at CVS and brought them to me.  I was able to get and hour and a half nap in before she came over and about 20 minutes after taking the Excederin Tension Headache formula my headache was gone.  I felt so good after that.  I also mixed up some Crystal Light Lemonade at the advise of the nurse today and it tasted so good.  I drank 3 glasses.  I have not been able to get my 2 liters of water in per day because water tastes so gross.  I guess it is lemonade for me until this AC chemo is over.  Kaci came home from school and retreated into her bedroom as did I.  She did come out for dinner that Jeff made her and to pull her tooth out!  I wasn't able to see it because I didn't want to get close to her for fear of getting sick.  I just hope the tooth fairy doesn't disappoint.  I hope to work tomorrow.

December 23rd (Tuesday, Day 9)-  I woke up and made it to work at my normal start time of 7:00AM.  I felt pretty good but did get nauseous at one point but I just ate some crackers and took an anti-nausea pill and it went away.  Then I started with another lovely headache and took my Excederin and it went away.  I only worked 4-1/2 hours and decided it was best to go home and rest but this was my best overall day so far.

December 24th (Wednesday, Day 10)- For the first time since treatment I feel 100% normal and just like me!!!  Today was a great day and since it is Christmas Eve, I was extremely happy.  The mouth sores started today and of course I would have this side effect too, I think I have had every side effect there is but I will take that over my energy being zapped any day.  I worked for 5 hours and didn't want to leave at 1:00PM even though the shop closed at noon.  It was so nice to feel normal and work today.  I went home to relax and was even able to take a half hour nap and then mom came over and we ventured to Costa Vida to pick up a take out order for dinner.  After dinner Kaci opened her presents from her grandma and we frosted cupcakes.  Normally we make sugar cookies but I cannot even look at a sugar cookie or I want to throw up (I guess this is a good thing, they aren't healthy anyway).  Kaci left a cupcake and milk for Santa and some carrots for the reindeer and we headed to bed at 10:00PM.  I am looking forward to Christmas tomorrow and hopefully feeling 100% again.  I need to get a few good days in to make me gear up for my next appointment on Monday the 29th.  I am getting more anxious about my hair but also coming to terms with it .  Kaci will be doing my "haircut" on Sunday unless it starts to come out sooner.  My scalp is definitely getting itchy and tender so I know it is not that far out.  

December 25th (Thursday, Day 11)- I had another great and wonderful day.  We had a very good Christmas and spent good quality time with our family.   My energy level has been normal and the only side effect I am dealing with is the mouth sores but again that is easy compared to how I felt days ago.  Jeff took Kaci out back sledding behind the 4-wheeler since we finally got snow today.  Afterwards we had a nice sit down family dinner.  It was a wonderful day! I took an hour nap from 4:00PM-5:00PM and then decided to start taking Christmas down.  I do it every year but I do save the family room tree for the next day but I clean up all the decorations throughout the house.  Jeff thinks I am crazy but after it is all over everything seems like a mess to me.  I put all the presents away and clean up the house.  Tomorrow should be easy with only one tree left to take down, then we need to clean the house and go to the grocery store.  

December 27th (Saturday, Day 12)- I am still feeling great except for the mouth sores.  I am trying to prepare for tomorrow, I have decided that, that is the day we will shave my head.  Just today I noticed a few more hairs than normal came out in the brush, I even cried a little but it helps with my plan tomorrow because if I hadn't noticed any thinning then it would be harder to want to shave it.  I don't want to have to worry about it next week because my second treatment is on Monday and if it is anything like the first treatment I know I will be feeling lousy and super tired.  It is best for me to get this done Sunday night.   

Side effects from the first round:
-extreme fatigue and exhaustion
-extreme nausea
-very bad headache

First AC chemotherapy treatment

First of all I need to say that neither Jeff nor I got Kaci's stomach bug!!!

Jeff and I arrived a tad bit late due to a wreck on the freeway.  We got there about 10:25AM.  They took vitals and then we met with Dr. Stinnett who did a brief examination and asked to answer any lingering questions we had.  I really didn't have any questions since I have researched absolutely everything I could think of and have had all of my questions answered in previous appointments and the chemo class.  So I asked him about flossing my teeth, I have heard that your mouth might be sore, he said this only happens in about 30% of the patients so continue on unless I get severe mouth sores.  At least I came up with a question!!!  Then we were taken back to the infusion room and told to pick where we wanted to sit.  We sat towards one end where there weren't too many people, I wasn't sure how I would react emotionally so I chose to sit far away from the others.  Debbie my cousin and chemo nurse came over and talked with us.  She hooked up the IV line into my port and it didn't hurt much at all.  Next time I am going to cake on the Lydicane cream so I don't feel a thing.  She drew blood from it to get a complete blood count before we started.  She came back and the results were all good so she started the 2 anti-nausea drugs as well as the steroids.  I didn't feel anything and felt totally normal as these dripped in.

Jeff worked on his laptop answering emails etc. while I was able to read a blog on my Kindle about an amazing woman from Australia and her battle with breast cancer, wow she is amazing!  I can't wait to read more.  About 1:15PM Debbie came back and it was time for the chemotherapy drugs.  The first she had was two vials of the red stuff (Adriamycin), most people call it the Red Devil but Debbie said she calls it fruit punch, I like that much better!  It took her about 10 minutes or so to inject those into my IV line.  I had to go to the bathroom right after she was done and she said not be alarmed but my urine will be red and sure enough it was.  I was shocked that it happened so fast.  I went again before we left and it was still red but by the time we got home and I went to the bathroom it was gone.  Then we started the Cytoxan which is an hour infusion.  She said they can do it in 30 minutes but more people complain of sinus pressure if they go faster so we opted to go slower.  Sure enough about 15 minutes into it I could feel a little pressure and change in my nose but nothing serious enough to need a Tylenol.  I met two new friends, Pam who is taking Taxol for breast cancer and an older man who seemed grumpy until he came over and we had a wonderful conversation about his situation, wow he sure is strong.  We also were able to experience a celebration party for a middle aged woman who had her last chemotherapy treatment.  Her kids and grand kids came for it and brought balloons and a sign and she was able to ring the traditional bell on your last session.  Afterwards her husband came over to me and Jeff and shook our hands and said that he heard I was there for the first time and talked to us for a bit.  What kind people there are in this world.  I love everybody I meet.  We ate our picnic lunch as the Cytoxan was being put in.  After the bag was empty then she had to flush my port which wasn't a big deal at all.  Then it was time for my Neulasta shot which will help boost my white blood cell count since the chemo will basically wipe it out.  Debbie told me to relax and go to my happy place because this shot is very slow to inject.  If they inject it to fast it will burn.  I think it only took 60 seconds or so and it didn't burn or hurt at all but I am sure that is because I have been in so much other pain that this was nothing.  They say that I may feel bone pain in my legs and hips, the places that have the largest bones and for some reason people swear by taking Claritin Allergy pills so I went right home and took a pill.  (As I am sitting here typing on my blog Tuesday evening at 8:20PM I still do not have any bone pain and did take another pill today).  Hopefully I wont' get it!!!

Two hours later I have a lot of pressure in my head and sinuses.  I took some Tylenol and have been laying in my bed hand writing this since our internet has been down since Saturday morning.  I know I won't feel the side effects today with the exception of how I feel right now and hopefully I don't really get any with this first treatment.  This chemo treatment is cumulative so I may feel worse with the next 3 treatments and then I start Taxol for 4 treatments and the side effects are completely different.

The best news for today is that I am one with round one!  I never thought I would make it through but I did and I credit Jeff for being by my side the whole day as well as my cousin Debbie who provided additional comfort and support.  I can't tell you how nice it is to have a family member taking care of your chemotherapy sessions, it is the best I tell you.  I did great and Jeff did great.  I love him so much, he has been so wonderful  and has been there for me through every step of this journey.  He has never acted like this is an inconvenience to anything that he has going on with work and school.  I never thought our love could grow stronger than what it was but I am here to tell you it did!! Jeff will be taking this next semester off of school so he won't have so much stress.  He will be able to come to all of my chemotherapy appointments and help Kaci with her homework, and cook and clean as much as needed.  Of course I like to do these things too and I don't sit still for very long so it probably won't be as hard on him as I make it sound.

Kaci will be coming to the next treatment on December 29th since it is Christmas break.  I am glad she can come and experience this with me.  There is so much she not been a part of because all the appointments are usually during the day while she is in school.  She has already missed school twice in November for my surgery's and again last Friday with the stomach bug.

1 down and 3 more to go for AC chemo!!  Then 4 treatments of Taxol which I look forward to, they say this chemo is not near as hard as AC.

Only 7 more treatments left to go people,  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!!

Blue Fingernails and House Cleaning

Today Kaci painted my fingernails the color of her choice.  She knew how much I liked her hers so she did mine the same.  They are blue with sparkles and they look so pretty, I feel a little bit like Elsa!  Anyway we decided that the Sunday before my chemotherapy treatments she will paint my nails however she wants so that on Monday when she is not with me during the treatments all I need to do is look down at my fingernails and feel her there.  For those of you who know me well, I never paint my fingernails.  I figure with chemo treatments and one of the side effects being your nail beds can turn brown that this would be a good idea and something we can share together.  

Today Jeff, Kaci and I cleaned the house.  Jeff has been keeping up on the vacuuming each week but with work and school he did not have any time to do the rest of the house.  I figured I am one day shy of 4 weeks post-op so I cleaned our very yucky bathrooms (sorry Leslie about Saturday).  It has been 4 weeks since they were cleaned last and honestly the toilets were gross.  Kaci helped too, she cleaned her sink and my bathtub and I did both toilets, her tub and my sinks and mirrors.  Then Kaci and I dusted and wiped off light switches and door knobs.  Jeff vacuumed the whole house and mopped all the floors and shook the rugs.  I was so happy to have such a clean sparkling house.  It is funny how a clean house can make me so happy.  The pain hit me later in the day.  I have had not had pain like that for quite some time.  I was very sore but still did not regret cleaning the house because of how happy it made me.  Did I saw how happy a clean house makes me???  I took a few Alleve to feel better and then took a Xanax before bed to help calm my nerves for the big day tomorrow. 

Kaci is sick and I start chemo on Monday

Today is Friday and while I had planned on working all day, Kaci has the stomach bug.  I worked for one hour to get things wrapped up before my first chemo treatment on Monday.  I am nervous to get sick especially for Monday because I know it would get delayed.  Poor Kaci has been in the bathroom all day, while the puking has subsided she still won't come out.  I know she doesn't want to get me sick.  I have taken her crackers and water all day.  Poor girl, all I want to do is go in the bathroom with her and hold her while she pukes, especially when she is in there crying.  This is when I realized that my life really is different right now, I cannot even help my girl when she is sick.  It is going to be a long winter but at least I know it won't last forever.

Yesterday the kind people I work with moved my office upstairs for the time being.  I felt it would be easier to "hibernate" this winter as I am doing chemo.  This way I will not be helping the walk in customers and won't have to worry about all the traffic that we get downstairs.  Either way I am blessed to work where I do.  They have all been more than accommodating and have been so generous.  I could not work with better people. 

I am getting really anxious for Monday and just wish that time would stand still and I won't have to deal with Monday.  I am the most nervous for my hair to fall out.  While I have a cute wig that resembles my new shorter haircut I still want my own hair.  I feel like cancer has taken so much from me already and it is going to take even more from me.  I know the hair is temporary but until you are faced with losing it you just don't understand.  I think the hair part is going to be the absolute hardest for me.  I am however grateful for the tender mercy that was given to me on Monday at my chemo class.  While we were there waiting in the oncologist's office out walks my cousin Debbie Stevens, we hugged and hugged.  She just knew that it was going to be me there for that class.  I had no idea she worked there and I feel so blessed that she will be the one to do my very first chemo treatment.  I am going to ask if she can be there for all of them.  It gives me so much comfort in knowing that my own family member will be seeing me through it.  I love Debbie so much and while I did not get the privilege of getting to be with her much growing up, I know that we will have all of this time together and we will be life long friends after this.  She has lived close to me and Jeff ever since we got married and I have seen her at Bear Lake a couple of times during Raspberry Days and at some of our yard sales that we have had over the years.  I am so excited to get to know her more.  She is the sweetest person I know and she is made for this job.

Here is to hoping and praying that I handle chemo as well as I handled the surgery.  I went back to work after 2 weeks, obviously not full-time but I at least went in three days last week for a couple of hours each day.  This week I was able to work a full day on Tuesday, part of the day on Wednesday only because I had 3 appointments, one at 11:00AM, 1:00PM and 3:00PM.  Yesterday I was wiped out and only worked for about 4-1/2 hours or so.  It has been so nice to go to work and feel somewhat "normal".  It has helped me a ton mentally.  I still have constant pain but I don't let it interfere much with my daily activities, it hits me more at night when I lay down.  That is usually when I will take Motrin, Alleve or Tylenol. 

December 3rd, 2014 2-1/2 weeks post surgery update

A lot has happened the last 2-1/2 weeks.  I had surgery on Monday, November 17th.  Jeff, Kaci, Mom, Bonnie, Wayne and Debby all came with me.  We had to be at Ogden Regional at 9:30AM.  After registration we didn't have to wait long to be taken back to the pre-op room.  After they got me settled with an IV I asked for something to relax me.  The kind old nurse Clyde let Kaci push the button to inject it into my IV.  I immediately relaxed and even took a little nap.  I could only have 2 people or 3 with Kaci in the pre-op room with me so we switched off people from time to time.  I don't remember what time it was but a couple of hours later Dr. Megan came in and injected a radioactive die into my right breast.  It hurt so bad but luckily I was still a little loopy from the relaxation medication.  That had to sit for 2 hours prior to surgery.  The injection was to light up the sentinel lymph nodes that were going to be removed for biopsy.  I think they came and got me around 2:30ish for surgery, I don't even remember since I was so out of it.  That was a good thing though because I was so nervous.  I remember somewhat waking up in the hospital room and everybody was there but I couldn't make out what anybody was saying I was so groggy.  I do remember Kaci on one side of me and Jeff on the other talking to me.  Wayne and Debby left first.  Bonnie, Mom and Kaci stayed for quite a while.  It was almost 9:00PM and I had to tell Kaci that she needed to get home to read her book for school the next day and get some sleep so she could go to school.  Bonnie was kind enough to sleep over at our house with Kaci.  I also had to tell Kaci she needed to get home to feed the dogs and cat.  When she got home she called me 2 or 3 times saying she missed me.  She was so scared.  I told to her have a prayer with Grandma Bonnie to help relax her nerves.  I had flowers that were delivered to the hospital from Team 9 at my work, it was so nice and thoughtful of them.  I had Bonnie take them home that night since I would be home early the next day.  Jeff stayed the night with me at the hospital.  They kept an IV of fluid going on full force so I had to go to the bathroom about 10 times that night.  I could not get out of bed by myself so every time I had to wake up Jeff help me, I wasn't about to have the nurses come every time.  We had to take off the oxygen sensor and it would beep very loudly until you connected it again.  The alarms for low oxygen kept going off so they put the oxygen back on me and then the pulse alarm kept going off because my pulse was lower than what it should be.  I was told this was from the anesthesia as well as the hydrocodone that I was taking for pain.  About 3AM they came in to draw blood and someone had a sign above me that said no needle sticks or blood pressure cuff on upper extremities so they took blood out of my feet.  He had to prick both feet for a total of 3 pricks to get enough blood.  At least I was on heavy medication because it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would.  Shortly after that I told the nurse about having to go to the bathroom so much and I was tired of the alarms going off and we weren't getting any rest.  She turned down the IV fluids quite a bit and lowered the alarm for the pulse so that it wouldn't keep going off.  Finally we got about 3 hours of rest until 6:30AM. 

After we woke up I had to use the bathroom again and decided to look at myself in the mirror with Jeff.  I was horrified by how large the incisions were and how red and ugly they were.  I started to cry and immediately covered back up.  Because of cancer, drastic measures sometimes have to be taken.  Jeff and I were hungry from being up all night so we ordered 2 breakfast burritos that were so dry and gross.  I ate a little bit because I was so hungry.  Megan came in about 9:00AM and asked if we were ready to go home.  Of course we both said yes.  She asked if we were ready to look and I told her we already did.  She was proud of me.  We were going to do it together for added support.  She took a peek at everything and said it all looks like it is supposed to and told us she would get them the paperwork needed to release us.  As soon as they came in to remove the IV's Jeff helped me to get dressed.  We waited for probably another 1-1/2 hours before they let us go.  I think we left around noon.  We stopped by Winegar's pharmacy on the way home so Jeff could fill my prescriptions while I waited in the car.  As soon as we got home Jeff helped me into our bedroom and onto the love seat we moved in there and I went to sleep.  I did see that my mom left flowers on our counter that were from her and Kaci.  I set the alarm on my phone for every 4 hours and took my medication faithfully for the first 5 days or so.  I slept pretty much the entire time.  Only waking to go to the bathroom, eat a little bit and drink water.  My mouth was so dry and I think it was from the medications so I chewed a lot of gum and drank a ton of water.  I don't remember when the flowers started arriving but everyday the doorbell rang and Jeff would come in and stir me awake to show me.  I started to cry every time.  I could not believe how kind people were and then I started to wonder if I should be more scared than I was and if it this was more serious than I was taking it.

Jeff had school on Tuesday and Wednesday night so mom came over and sat with me.  Kaci went to dance and played at Lacey's house quite a bit this week.  We were trying to keep her as busy as possible.  Around Saturday I tried to cut down on the hydrocodone and just take Tylenol and Motrin.  That didn't take very well so I started back up on the pills. 

Monday, November 24th we had an appointment with another oncologist out in Layton named Dr.  Jason Stinnett.  We just didn't feel good about Dr. Johnson so I wanted a second opinion.  He was wonderful and we really liked everybody we met. He had my pathology report back from surgery and the cancer was in one of the 2 sentinel lymph nodes that were removed for biopsy during surgery.  He said there was just a little bit of cancer in the one node and because there wasn't any in the other node then we can assume that this was the only one.  I am now staged at IIIa.  He is going to do the chemo schedule in 4 months instead of 6.  So I will have AC 4 times every other week and then Taxol 4 times every other week.  The Taxol will equal the 12 weekly does however it will be done a lot sooner, they call this dose dense.  I really liked this plan much better because I get it over with sooner.  He was very thorough in what he told us.  We will go to a chemo class on the 8th and had to fill 4 prescriptions to bring with us and they will go over everything with us prior to my first treatment on 12/15. 

On Tuesday, November 25th we had an appointment with Megan.  Both mom and Jeff came.  She took my drains out and it hurt really bad when she pulled them.  I couldn't wait to get the drains out, they were very uncomfortable and hurt anytime I bent over.  She said everything looked good and went over the pathology report as well.  Not only was my tumor greater than 5cm but I had extensive lobular carcinoma in situ so really a mastectomy at least on the right side was the only option.  In the left breast there wasn't any signs of cancer just some fibroademas.  I still made the right decision on doing both of them because I don't ever want to have that fear of it returning in the other breast.  Of course this cancer can return in other areas of my body and I sure hope it never does but I am keeping it in my mind that is a possibility.  For this reason I am doing chemotherapy and radiation to help lower the risk of re-occurrence.  After this appointment we stopped by my work.  I was wanting to see them so bad.  We went upstairs and talked with Sterling, Steve and Terry and then Kent and Jean came up to see me.  It was so good to see everybody for a few minutes.  Terry gave me a card with money in it that was collected from the day shift and from the office.  Spencer Preece had some hats made for me that are wonderful.  I started crying again.  I am so humbled by the generosity of others.  The night shift did a fundraiser of their own and Kelly brought it to me on Friday, November 14th, they are all such great friends.  I absolutely love everybody I work with.  This was the day I stopped all my hydrocodone and just started taking Tylenol and Motrin for the pain.

Thanksgiving was that Thursday on the 27th and we had it at our house.  That was the first day I actually wore jeans and got all ready.  It felt good to know that I was in something other than PJ's or sweats.  Debby and Wayne and mom came over about 1:00PM and we all prepared the rest of the meal.  They all stayed until about 5:00 and then mom, Jeff, Kaci and I ventured to Wal-Mart for some Black Friday shopping.  Nothing too serious I just wanted to get some movies.  I stood in a corner with a shopping cart in front of me while they searched for the movies.  We found all of them that we wanted and then stood in a huge line for about another hour or so to pay.  It was so nice to get out into the real world even if it was a short trip.  We then went to Old Navy but I just stayed in the car.  I was wiped out.  We got home around 9:00PM and I went right to bed.

Friday the 28th Hadlee came over to play and I didn't do a thing really.  I rested on the couch all day and even took a nap.  It was so nice to have Kaci and Hadlee playing here at my house though.  It has been so quiet the last 2 weeks.  We made some dinner and then took Hadlee home about 8:00PM.

Saturday the 29th Jeff went duck hunting and mom, Kaci and I went to Kohl's to find Kaci a shirt and scarf for her school program the next week.  We then went to Village Inn for breakfast and then decided to go to a movie.  I didn't want to go home at all but did have a small nap before the movie started.  This was another big day for me and I wasn't even worn out.  I felt normal but of course I do carry the pain around with me but I try and not think about it. 

Sunday the 30th we didn't do much.  Kaci and I did the laundry and that was it.  We heated up a bagged freezer dinner that was given to us by friends.  Kaci made us a dessert all by herself, she was so proud and we were so proud of her.  We went to bed early that night to get ready for Monday.

Monday, December 1st we got Kaci off to school and had a physical therapy appointment at 10:30AM over at Ogden Clinic in Roy.  They were so nice there and had me to do a lot of exercises to help get my arms moving and to help prevent lymph-edema.  Afterwards Jeff and I went to Taco Time for lunch and then he was going to head into work and I decided to call my work and see if I could come in for a couple of hours.  I was so jealous that Jeff was going back to work and I didn't want to go home to a quiet house all by myself.  Dee let me come in and I did some "clean up" type work.  It felt so good and I was so proud of myself for making it to work 2 weeks post op.  I was told there was no way I would be able to do that and the recovery time was 4-6 weeks.  Of course I am not working full days by any means but will try and go in 2-3 days a week for the next couple of weeks and then take Christmas break off to be with Kaci.  I don't know that I will be able to work the week of December 15th since that is my first chemo treatment but I will at least try.

Tuesday, December 2nd.  I woke up super sore and I am sure it was from physical therapy the day before.  Mom and I had an appointment at Creative Wigs to get my wig cut shorter.  I love it now and it looks just like my new shorter haircut.  Since I have cut my hair short it was so hard to get used to the long hair on the wig that I picked out prior to having my hair cut.  Then we stopped by Hapari Swimwear to try on their swim suits since they are all mastectomy friendly suits.  Wow, they are super cute and when they have another 40% coupon I am going to buy 2 tops and one pair of shorts.  I have a few skirts that are still way cute that will go with the tops.  They had the 40% off sale for Black Friday and Cyber Monday but yesterday it was only 20%.  After that we went to lunch at Applebee's and got home around 2:30PM.  I took a short 30 minute nap and then Kaci was home.  Her school program was at 6:00PM and we had to be there at 5:30PM.  She did great but by the time I got home I was in so much pain it even made me a cry a little bit.  I took 2 more Tylenol on top of the 3 Motrin I took around 2:30PM and tried to go to bed.  I didn't get to sleep until almost 11:00PM.  The nights are hard for me and my mind wanders like no other.

Today I woke up at 6:00AM and felt a little better I am not nearly as sore as yesterday but of course I didn't practice any of my new moves that the physical therapist wanted me to either.  I go again today so I will beg for forgiveness.  I don't know what he has in store for me today, I will find out at 9:15AM.  After that I planned on going to work for an hour or two to get a couple more things done.  I don't know if I will go to work tomorrow or just take it easy before our appointment with Dr. Fisher at 2:30PM. 

My heart is breaking for Kaci she is so clingy and wants to still sleep in our room.  She never lets me out of her sight.  Last night after the program she was holding my hand and guarding me from anybody bumping in to me.  She is quite my little "mom".  I love her so much and I wish this was different for her.  It makes me so sad.

Surgery Day

Today is surgery day.  It is 6:30AM and while I am very nervous and anxious about the surgery it is also the day that the cancer is removed from my body and for that I am excited.  I also know that today my body as I know it will be different forever.  I know I will have to grieve this loss but it cannot very long.  I have to gear up for chemo in 4 weeks.  I also know that once I leave this Earth and go onto Heaven that my body will be restored and that gives me comfort.  Also this could be worse it could be an arm or a leg and that would change my life forever.  Losing my breasts I can still do all the fun things I like to do.  It will not hinder me in any way.

I have to be at Ogden Regional at 9:30AM however my surgery won't be until later this afternoon.  I am the 4th of 4 women who are all getting bilateral mastectomy's today.  I am also the youngest.  Dr. Megan told me that they are in their 60's and 70's.  I know it is equally as hard on each one of us no matter how old we are.  I pray for them today as well.  I can't believe there are so many women, young and old with breast cancer.  It's amazing how a part of bodies that we were given to feed our children can turn up with cancer and in turn kill us if we don't take care of it. 

The part I am the most nervous about is the lymph node removal.  Dr. Megan is removing no more than 5 nodes because imaging does not support that this cancer has metastasized into them but it is better to test them just in case.  I am having a sentinel node biopsy, so they will do an injection of radioactive fluid and dye which will in turn go to the sentinel nodes (the nodes that breast fluid will first drain in to).  If it is in my nodes I don't know what will happen next.  I know all the chemo treatments will stay the same but I can only hope it doesn't mean another surgery.  However, I would do another surgery if that is what is needed to survive this.  I have said so many prayers and hopefully I will get a break this time.  Everything about this "mass" I found has turned out worst case scenario and I sure hope this is good news with my nodes.  Dr. Megan said she should know hopefully by Wednesday and will call me as soon as she finds out.

I hope and pray for Kaci, Jeff and mom that they will get through today with peace in their hearts.  I know this is really going to hit Kaci once she starts to see what I am going through.  Up until this point she has been herself which I am thankful for.  I don't want her to be unhappy or scared.  I am going to do my best to make her life as normal as possible.  I don't want her worrying about me all the time.  She is such a sweet and kind girl and I know she will help comfort me in times of need and I won't turn her away.  I am sure there will be times we cry together.  I only hope that when she grows up she doesn't remember a whole lot about her mom having cancer.  I do know that this experience will make her stronger.

I love my family so much and look forward to seeing them all at the hospital with me today.  Wayne and Debby, Bonnie, and Mom, Jeff and Kaci will all be there waiting for me.  Just knowing I have such a great family gives me comfort as I go in today.  I love them all so much.

Last night our family came and brought us dinner and dessert.  After we ate then my Aunt Karen and her family came over so that her dad and brother could give me a priesthood blessing.  The blessing was so amazing and so comforting.  The word peace was used so much.   I know my Heavenly Father is close to me and I am not alone in any of this.  I will get through this and I will help others who are getting ready to start their journey.  I will not stop.  I believe this cancer diagnosis is an answer to my prayers.  I have been praying for something "big" to help make a difference in others lives and I believe this is my answer.  Once I beat this I want to get involved with breast cancer awareness, walks, helping others etc.  My Aunt Karen is going through chemo right now, the same kind that I will be on.  She looked amazing and while she was not feeling good yesterday since she just had a Taxol treatment on Friday she still came out to support me.  It meant so much to me that she came over last night.  It was also good to see my cousins Nikkol and Kyle.  I have not seen them in a while and I know they are behind me 100% just like they are their mom.  I have so many people on my "team" hoping and praying for me.  The guys and gals at work are all rooting for me too.  They have all the said the kindest words and I cannot believe how many of the guys cried with me last week.  They seriously have hearts of gold. 

So as I go in to today I can find the peace and comfort in knowing so many people care about me and my family.  They are all praying for me.   

That is all for today.  It might be a while before I can write again as I will be on some heavy duty pain killer drugs.

First oncology visit with Dr. Johnson

We meet with Dr. Johnson the medical oncologist on Monday the 17th.  Jeff, Kaci and mom went with me.  It ended up being an 1-1/2 hour appointment.  He detailed my chemo schedule.  He also told me that the chances of re-occurrence based on the pathology report are quite high.  There is a low, intermediate and high category.  I am one point away from being in the high category.  Therefore the chemo treatment is really necessary.  Also it is based on tumor size and my was a 3cm.  Anything under 2cm you can usually not have to do chemo.  I feel with this whole experience I am getting the worst case scenario with everything.  I honestly felt when I was in surgery on November 3rd I would wake up and would be cancer, just like it was but I thought Megan would be able to get it all out and I would only have to have radiation.  Now it is invasive lobular carcinoma stage IIb until they can determine my lymph node status.  I have no choice but to take both breasts due to the lobular diagnosis which was fine with me because all along I said to myself if it is invasive I will take both so I don't ever have to deal with this again.  I have to do chemo for 6 months and radiation for 5 weeks every day.  So my chemo schedule he gave me is the AC aka "Red Devil" once every three weeks so basically 3 months for that treatment.  After that then I go once a week for 12 weeks (another 3 months) for Taxol and that is given for 3-1/2 hours at a time.  My hair will not even begin to come back on Taxol.  It won't start growing until I am all done.  So looking ahead because that is what I do, I should be done with chemo around June 15th and then 5 weeks of radiation after that.  That is good news because then we can start our camping up to Sourdough.  We may not be able to make our deck or extend our lot this year like we had planned but at least we can get up there and camp.  That is what makes me the happiest.  I am looking so forward to summer and hopefully all of this is behind me.  I am super optimistic that this chemo will take care of any traveling cancer cells and I will be in a full remission. 

I am getting more nervous by the hour and with each day that passes to go in for surgery on Monday, November 17th.  This is going to be hard to lose my body parts.  However, on the bright side I am glad it is not an arm or leg because losing my breasts still gives me full mobility and won't change my life at all.  Sure it might be hard to look at the new me in front of the mirror or in the shower but when I am dressed I will still look like me.  It might take some time to get used to the prostheses but in no time I am sure everything will feel normal.

After I am all done with this journey then I will decide if I want reconstruction or not.  I feel that this is not the best time.  I need to beat cancer first and not worry about the discomfort from the expanders and rush into this without really feeling that it is what I want to do.  Reconstruction can be done at any time and there are women who wait years to do it.  I feel that this is the best thing for me.  My family is super supportive and loves me no matter what.  All of this is a personal choice.  A choice to even go in for surgery, to do chemo, to do radiation.  Of course I am going to follow what they are suggesting because I am only 40 years old and I need to fight for my family.  I need to watch Kaci grow up.  I want to be there as she grows into adult hood.  I want to be there for her wedding and birth of her children.  Because of that I am going to fight with all I got.  I also want Jeff and I to grow old together and take all the trips that we have talked about.  I look forward to retirement, we are working so hard for that goal.

Tomorrow we meet with Megan to detail everything with the surgery and she wants to talk to me about my decision regarding plastic surgery.  My mind is made up to delay or possibly never do it but I do want to hear what she has to say and she wants to make sure that I am comfortable in my decision.

Shopping for a wig

Today I am going to go shopping with Kaci and mom and I think Debby is going to meet up with us.  We are going to SLC to a place called Creative Wigs.  Debby out of the blue yesterday emailed Mary Nichols from Channel 2 morning news team and asked where she got her cute wigs because she always looked so cute and they looked so natural.  Mary had replied to her email within 15 minutes and told her about Creative Wigs.  Their website is great and it gives me hope.  I am a little excited to go look at them.  Once I find that perfect hair I think I will settle down a little bit.  This losing my hair has me more scared than even losing my breasts.  It's weird but my hair is my everything. 

Last night we went to Heidi and Rob Aschliman's and Heidi and I went upstairs and sat in her huge closet and tried on her wigs.  I just stared at myself over and over and even shed some tears.  I came around though and even showed Jeff and Kaci.  The last one is so cute and a little sassy but by no means not out of my league.  In fact I am going to have my hair cut similar to that when I go to Brandie on Wednesday to chop off quite a bit.  My new friend Pam who is also Megan's patient talked to me the other day and told me to go get a haircut and make it a shorter haircut so that when I do lose my hair it is not as devastating.  I will have this new do for about 6 weeks until chemo makes it fall out.  I am still debating on having it shaved off right before chemo or right after chemo to spare myself the day it starts falling out.  I almost think for me it is best to shave it off before I show signs it is coming out. 

Also today I would like to find false eyelashes to be able to wear when I lose mine to and maybe even some light colored lipstick which I have never worn before just to give me a little color.

Yesterday at work (my first day back all week).  I had wonderful conversations with Dee, Sterling, Terry and Tiffany.  Sterling agreed to let me move my office upstairs so that I don't have to deal with all the traffic downstairs as I start chemo.  I am already going to feel somewhat ugly and worn down anyway.  It would be nice to be able to "hide" upstairs and be away from most people and be close to Terry.  She is honestly my rock at work.  She has been so amazing and our friendship just got tighter.  

I posted everything that has been going on with me on Facebook yesterday and I very rarely post on Facebook.  It is amazing all the kind words that people are sharing with me.  I know that I am not going through this alone at all.  This is affecting everyone of them as well.

Here is to hoping today is a good day with my family finding me some new hair!  We are also clothes shopping for Kaci for Christmas and can finish up next week if we need to.  She is super excited.  As we are out and about I also want to start checking around for beanie hats.  Last night my friend Heidi also gave me a few of her old beanie hats that she was given while going through chemo.  I would like to see what the stores have out there as well.  I figure the beanie hats will be worn around home and possibly even to bed so I don't get so cold as we are going into winter.  I may even venture out in public with them should I see fit.  Right now my feelings are to wear my wig to work and out in public so that I don't look like a cancer patient.

I can't believe all the nice generous things people are doing for my family.  There is no way we are going to get through this without all of them.  I have great friends.

Princess Kaci!

Debby

This is the wig I chose but in a different color, I had it cut 2 times to look like my new shorter hair cut.

I may have to go back and buy this one too.  I really like it.

I have cancer

Written on November 5th.

So my surgery was on Monday November 3rd I had to be at the hospital at 9:00AM.  We got there about 8:30AM and I turned to Jeff and said I wish this wasn't me going in for surgery today and he said do you wish it was Kaci and I said no, of course not.  He said so you wish it was me?  I said yes because you are so strong.  We just laughed a little bit.  We went in and got registered and then they called us back to the surgery waiting room.

It took a little while to get called and then they took us to a pre-op room where I had to get undressed and get dressed in their crappy socks and their almost plastic paper type gown but I guess they can plug those in and heat them up so they are good.  I was already sweating because I was so scared so I never used that option.  We sat in that room for almost 2-1/2 hours.  At first they were only going to let 2 people go with me until I told them that Kaci was only a 1/2 of a person and it was important I had Jeff, mom and her with me so they let her come.  They hooked me up to an IV for fluids and Kaci sat by me in bed and Jeff on the end of the bed and we watched TV.  The anesthesiologist came to talk to us and talked to me about my nasty cough.  He listened to my lungs and couldn't hear anything in there which I wasn't surprised as this cough has been pretty dry.  He kept asking if I thought I was well enough for surgery.  I told him I didn't know I was just so scared for everything.  He said he thought I would do fine because I didn't have fluid in my lungs so we went forth with it.  Megan came in right before they put me under and felt my lump and said it felt different, which I thought it did too because I felt it a couple of days before.  She had to mark it and initial it.  I asked her about the MRI with contrast that I had the Monday before.  I wanted to know if the tumor lit up.  She said it did show signs of being malignant however my lymph nodes don't show anything.  She said that imagining is a good sign that this has not spread to my lymph nodes.  I told her I wanted them to get pathology back asap.  I didn't want to wait like last time.  She said that while I was in the OR recovering she was going to have it ran downstairs to path so they could look at it and hopefully I would have an answer when I woke up. 

While I was in recovery she had her answer and went to talk to Jeff, mom and Kaci in a private room.  Jeff recorded most of the conversation that took place which was so nice for me to listened to after.  She said they removed a 6cm x 6cm piece but could not get it all, there is just no way.  I have to have a mastectomy to remove it all.  She said it is cancer and it is invasive but not sure if it is ductal or lobular, we will find out when pathology comes back.  We also need to find out if what the receptors are and hope that it is either estrogen or progesterone positive and not her2/nu. 

Then they moved me into a room for about another hour with my family before I could go home.  Megan came by to visit and I told her that they already told me it was cancer.  She explained everything to me as well but said I have 2 more surgeries ahead and I asked her why there were 2 more surgeries,  I thought there would only be one more if this came back cancer.  She said because I have to have radiation I cannot have reconstruction surgery right away.  The plastic surgeon will put in tissue expanders for now and then do the reconstruction surgery once I am done with radiation.  She said I will have 4 more appointments this week until I see her again on Thursday the 13th.  I was so overwhelmed with everything but once again Jeff voice recorded everything for me.  I asked her about chemo and she said she won't know until after they take some nodes out for testing.  But then she said I may have to have it anyway because of the size of the tumor.  I told her I don't want chemo, I will do all the rest but I don't want chemo.  She told me I am getting baptized by fire and I will be life long friends with herself as well as the oncology staff.  I will be visiting them for the rest of my life. 

So onto the appointments, it was important that I got up to her office yesterday, one day after surgery for a chest x-ray and blood work for genetic testing as well as a full blood panel.  Jeff and I got up there around 8:40ish.  Jennifer the nurse was not there but I wanted to ask for more of the ice packs that she Jane gave me after the biopsy so the other gal took me back to Jane.  When we got to her office Dr. Alder was in there too and they were actually discussing me.  They included me and Jeff in on the discussion.  Dr. Alder explained why the tumor size was bigger than what ultra sound showed it to be.  I don't know that I totally understand but it was still nice to talk to him.  I thanked him for questioning pathology.  He said he knew it was cancer because he has seen this quite often.  He said I did the right thing by doing the lumpectomy surgery so that we had a bigger sample to test.  Afterwards I told Jane I needed to go back up front to register for the chest x-ray and she said we didn't she did everything for us.  It was so nice to be treated like a person and not a patient!!  She took us to the chest x-ray room and it was super easy for me.  After we walked out Jane was waiting in the hall and said Dr. Alder wants to read this x-ray with us before we left so that we don't have to wait.  They are so nice to me there.  He took me and Jeff in and showed us my lungs, bones, ribs etc and said that the cancer hasn't spread at all to any of these areas.  I had tears in my eyes as I thanked Dr. Alder over and over for treating us so nicely.  Then we went back to Jane's office and she brought us through the back door to go talk to Jennifer, Dr. Megan's nurse.  She had some paperwork to fill out for the blood test.  We asked her questions about recover time for the double mastectomy she said to plan on 4-6 weeks.  It took both me and Jeff by surprise because I assumed a 2 week recover time.  We walked down to get the blood drawn and then headed towards home.

I called Terry at work because the plastic surgeons they want to use are not on our insurance.  She called our insurance and was told to just book them because they cannot get a hold of the one that is on our insurance that Megan trusts and just go with it and beg for forgiveness after.  She said many claims do get paid but we have to file an appeal.  So I called Jennifer and she put us on the schedule for November 17th.  There are two other women that are having this exact same thing done that day, so now there will be three of us.

Today I meet with the chemo oncologist, Vincent Hansen who both Karen and Heidi recommended (they called later and told me they had to reschedule and could not get me in for a week and a half so Jennifer made an appointment for me to meet Dr. Johnson instead).  I will get my pathology report today.  I am super nervous and I am hoping for the best case news and hopefully won't have to do chemo.

Tomorrow we meet with the radiation oncologist in the morning and then the plastic surgeon in the afternoon.

I have a book and have written down questions for each doctor and will write the answers in this book as well.

I have a lot ahead of me and I am so scared.  I am going to read a book about bilateral mastectomy's before I go in to help ease my fears.  I cannot believe I am dealing with this.  I really can't.

I am going to go to work on Friday since I am well enough and I don't have any more appointments.  I need to get our Disneyworld trip canceled per Megan's request.  It is fine though because I can use all of that money for my medical bills.  It is a relief in some ways.

Yesterday after the xray and blood work Jeff and I went to Walmart and bought Kaci a bunch of things for Christmas.  I told him we needed to get it done by the end of next weekend.
 
Kaci and I are going to go shopping on Saturday for clothes, Pj's etc.  I want her to pick out her clothes that she wants for Christmas.  Next weekend I am going to get our Christmas trees up but will probably put a sheet over them until at least Thanksgiving week.  I will get all the presents wrapped and ready also.  Of course there will probably be some things I get her off of Amazon but I just need the store purchases done.  I also need to order our family pictures ordered that we had taken in October so that we have something to give our parents for Christmas.  We have decided that we aren't going to do gifts for each other or our parents this year.  We need our money for medical bills.  Kaci was worried that she cannot buy me and Jeff anything and I told her she can.  I will give her $20 for each of us so she can buy us something she wants.  I think Kaci and I will get Jeff's this Saturday when we go shopping.

The more I can get done before this surgery the less stressed I will be.  I plan on getting some freezer meals made so it will be easier for Jeff as he is taking care of me and Kaci.  He is going to have to take on so much.

I love my family more than anything and I hope and pray my mom is doing better.  She is not taking this news very well.  I have invited her to every doctor appointment this week and I think the more she can be involved and educated the better she will feel.  I understand her feelings though, I am a mom too and if this was Kaci no matter our ages I would be just as upset.  There is a mother child bond that I cannot explain.  Jeff and I need to be very understanding of her feelings. 

For now I am not sure how I feel.  I am still waiting to wake up from this dream and I am not waking up.  I am so overwhelmed that I am going to start taking my Xanax again.  I just need to take things day by day and not look ahead too much other than getting Christmas taken care of.  

That is all for now.

Jeff and Aimee's 13th Anniversary

Today is mine and Jeff's 13th anniversary and one day before surgery.  While we couldn't go forth with the original plan to go to Park City for financial reasons as well as me being sick with a terrible cold.  We were able to go out to dinner last night at Texas Roadhouse and then come home and watch a Redbox movie.  It was still nice for us to be able to celebrate.  First thing when I woke up this morning I realized I hadn't even gotten him a card.  I feel so bad, my mind is preoccupied with other things right now.  With trying to get some rest with this terrible cough I have and then thinking about the surgery on Monday, I totally forgot.  I can't believe I forgot such an important event. 

Tomorrow is surgery to remove the lump.  While I am hopeful that it will come back benign I am also trying to prepare in case it comes back malignant.  As much as I would like to have this surgery and be done with it forever I am not so sure that is in the cards for me.  I am nervous for the surgery, nervous to go under and what I will look like after it.  Dr. Megan Grunander did tell me that I will have an indent from where she will take out this tumor as well as a large scar.  I sure hope things go good tomorrow and I can put all of this past me.

I feel like I still have so much more to see and do.  I still want to watch Kaci grow up and have a family of her own.  I want to be there for her and her family as much as possible.  I want Jeff and I to grow old together and I look so forward to retirement so we that we can continue to see the world.  We both love to be on the go and do as much as possible. 

I need to try and get some rest today as well as tonight.  I cannot take my prescription cough medicine tonight so I don't know how much rest I will get.  We need to be at the hospital at 9:00AM to check in.  I have said many prayers that this is the end of this journey for me and that everything will come back benign.  I want to be excited for our Disneyworld trip coming up on December 13th.  I still have to finish buying the tickets and start planning out our clothes etc.  For now I have not been excited at all just in case we cannot go.  I hope I get answers before next weekend!!

Biopsy Results negative, BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

October 21st was my appointment with Dr. Grunander to get my biopsy results.  I had a very bad week waiting for the pathology test results.  I ended up getting a prescription for Xanax from my OB/GYN last Friday the 17th.  I did not take any until Monday the 20th.  They really do take the edge off, I was so calm about everything while I was taking it.  I also took some on Tuesday and then I started getting sick with a cold.  Wednesday I decided not to take any so I could take my cold medicine.  Thursday I took a Xanax in the morning and then another at 1:30PM.  My appointment was 3:30PM.  Mom and Jeff both met me at the house and we drove up together.  Right when we got to the room and Megan came in to introduce herself I told her I just wanted to know the results right then and there.  She said it was benign but and it was a big BUT, Dr. Alder and herself don't feel that the benign diagnosis correlates with the imagining.  Meaning that the image represents a malignant tumor and the pathology is saying benign.  They had me go back to ultra-sound so Megan could look at it with Dr. Alder in real time.  They both agreed that it just doesn't match.  They wanted to do another biopsy but I told them I did not want to do another one.  I just want it removed.  Megan agreed to take it out on November 3rd, she wanted to wait a little bit longer so that the bruising can be healed up by surgery day.  She said because we are taking it out with a benign diagnosis she will not take a very large area around it as she would if it was malignant.  Then they will send the entire thing to pathology.  Should it come back benign then I am done.  I will have a 3" horizontal scar on the upper quadrant of my breast.  There is also a good possibility that it might leave an indent but would be hidden by wearing a bra  Should it come back malignant then they have to do back in and take out more breast tissue (even a possible mastectomy) as well as lymph nodes.  I told her I am okay with that should that happen.  I told her about our Disneyworld trip on December 13th and she said we can post pone the next surgery if needed until after we get back.  I am hopeful that it will all be benign and that one surgery is all that I will need.  They said they have never seen anything like this before and Dr. Alder was the one that questioned this pathology report.  I might be the exception to the rule and I only hope that I am.

For now I am calm, not nervous at all.  I have hope this time around that I did not have last week.  If the three areas they biopsied were benign then I can't help but feel that the whole tumor is benign.  The tumor has all the characteristics of a malignant tumor.  It is not symmetrical and it has jagged edges all around it.  I might have just received my miracle.  I sure hope so.  I feel that there is so much more to see and do in my life and I am not ready for cancer.  Only time will tell.  After my surgery I have no idea how long I will have to wait to find out the next pathology results.  I do know for sure that I am not going to be as nervous as this last round because those 3 pieces were benign.