I have cancer

Written on November 5th.

So my surgery was on Monday November 3rd I had to be at the hospital at 9:00AM.  We got there about 8:30AM and I turned to Jeff and said I wish this wasn't me going in for surgery today and he said do you wish it was Kaci and I said no, of course not.  He said so you wish it was me?  I said yes because you are so strong.  We just laughed a little bit.  We went in and got registered and then they called us back to the surgery waiting room.

It took a little while to get called and then they took us to a pre-op room where I had to get undressed and get dressed in their crappy socks and their almost plastic paper type gown but I guess they can plug those in and heat them up so they are good.  I was already sweating because I was so scared so I never used that option.  We sat in that room for almost 2-1/2 hours.  At first they were only going to let 2 people go with me until I told them that Kaci was only a 1/2 of a person and it was important I had Jeff, mom and her with me so they let her come.  They hooked me up to an IV for fluids and Kaci sat by me in bed and Jeff on the end of the bed and we watched TV.  The anesthesiologist came to talk to us and talked to me about my nasty cough.  He listened to my lungs and couldn't hear anything in there which I wasn't surprised as this cough has been pretty dry.  He kept asking if I thought I was well enough for surgery.  I told him I didn't know I was just so scared for everything.  He said he thought I would do fine because I didn't have fluid in my lungs so we went forth with it.  Megan came in right before they put me under and felt my lump and said it felt different, which I thought it did too because I felt it a couple of days before.  She had to mark it and initial it.  I asked her about the MRI with contrast that I had the Monday before.  I wanted to know if the tumor lit up.  She said it did show signs of being malignant however my lymph nodes don't show anything.  She said that imagining is a good sign that this has not spread to my lymph nodes.  I told her I wanted them to get pathology back asap.  I didn't want to wait like last time.  She said that while I was in the OR recovering she was going to have it ran downstairs to path so they could look at it and hopefully I would have an answer when I woke up. 

While I was in recovery she had her answer and went to talk to Jeff, mom and Kaci in a private room.  Jeff recorded most of the conversation that took place which was so nice for me to listened to after.  She said they removed a 6cm x 6cm piece but could not get it all, there is just no way.  I have to have a mastectomy to remove it all.  She said it is cancer and it is invasive but not sure if it is ductal or lobular, we will find out when pathology comes back.  We also need to find out if what the receptors are and hope that it is either estrogen or progesterone positive and not her2/nu. 

Then they moved me into a room for about another hour with my family before I could go home.  Megan came by to visit and I told her that they already told me it was cancer.  She explained everything to me as well but said I have 2 more surgeries ahead and I asked her why there were 2 more surgeries,  I thought there would only be one more if this came back cancer.  She said because I have to have radiation I cannot have reconstruction surgery right away.  The plastic surgeon will put in tissue expanders for now and then do the reconstruction surgery once I am done with radiation.  She said I will have 4 more appointments this week until I see her again on Thursday the 13th.  I was so overwhelmed with everything but once again Jeff voice recorded everything for me.  I asked her about chemo and she said she won't know until after they take some nodes out for testing.  But then she said I may have to have it anyway because of the size of the tumor.  I told her I don't want chemo, I will do all the rest but I don't want chemo.  She told me I am getting baptized by fire and I will be life long friends with herself as well as the oncology staff.  I will be visiting them for the rest of my life. 

So onto the appointments, it was important that I got up to her office yesterday, one day after surgery for a chest x-ray and blood work for genetic testing as well as a full blood panel.  Jeff and I got up there around 8:40ish.  Jennifer the nurse was not there but I wanted to ask for more of the ice packs that she Jane gave me after the biopsy so the other gal took me back to Jane.  When we got to her office Dr. Alder was in there too and they were actually discussing me.  They included me and Jeff in on the discussion.  Dr. Alder explained why the tumor size was bigger than what ultra sound showed it to be.  I don't know that I totally understand but it was still nice to talk to him.  I thanked him for questioning pathology.  He said he knew it was cancer because he has seen this quite often.  He said I did the right thing by doing the lumpectomy surgery so that we had a bigger sample to test.  Afterwards I told Jane I needed to go back up front to register for the chest x-ray and she said we didn't she did everything for us.  It was so nice to be treated like a person and not a patient!!  She took us to the chest x-ray room and it was super easy for me.  After we walked out Jane was waiting in the hall and said Dr. Alder wants to read this x-ray with us before we left so that we don't have to wait.  They are so nice to me there.  He took me and Jeff in and showed us my lungs, bones, ribs etc and said that the cancer hasn't spread at all to any of these areas.  I had tears in my eyes as I thanked Dr. Alder over and over for treating us so nicely.  Then we went back to Jane's office and she brought us through the back door to go talk to Jennifer, Dr. Megan's nurse.  She had some paperwork to fill out for the blood test.  We asked her questions about recover time for the double mastectomy she said to plan on 4-6 weeks.  It took both me and Jeff by surprise because I assumed a 2 week recover time.  We walked down to get the blood drawn and then headed towards home.

I called Terry at work because the plastic surgeons they want to use are not on our insurance.  She called our insurance and was told to just book them because they cannot get a hold of the one that is on our insurance that Megan trusts and just go with it and beg for forgiveness after.  She said many claims do get paid but we have to file an appeal.  So I called Jennifer and she put us on the schedule for November 17th.  There are two other women that are having this exact same thing done that day, so now there will be three of us.

Today I meet with the chemo oncologist, Vincent Hansen who both Karen and Heidi recommended (they called later and told me they had to reschedule and could not get me in for a week and a half so Jennifer made an appointment for me to meet Dr. Johnson instead).  I will get my pathology report today.  I am super nervous and I am hoping for the best case news and hopefully won't have to do chemo.

Tomorrow we meet with the radiation oncologist in the morning and then the plastic surgeon in the afternoon.

I have a book and have written down questions for each doctor and will write the answers in this book as well.

I have a lot ahead of me and I am so scared.  I am going to read a book about bilateral mastectomy's before I go in to help ease my fears.  I cannot believe I am dealing with this.  I really can't.

I am going to go to work on Friday since I am well enough and I don't have any more appointments.  I need to get our Disneyworld trip canceled per Megan's request.  It is fine though because I can use all of that money for my medical bills.  It is a relief in some ways.

Yesterday after the xray and blood work Jeff and I went to Walmart and bought Kaci a bunch of things for Christmas.  I told him we needed to get it done by the end of next weekend.
 
Kaci and I are going to go shopping on Saturday for clothes, Pj's etc.  I want her to pick out her clothes that she wants for Christmas.  Next weekend I am going to get our Christmas trees up but will probably put a sheet over them until at least Thanksgiving week.  I will get all the presents wrapped and ready also.  Of course there will probably be some things I get her off of Amazon but I just need the store purchases done.  I also need to order our family pictures ordered that we had taken in October so that we have something to give our parents for Christmas.  We have decided that we aren't going to do gifts for each other or our parents this year.  We need our money for medical bills.  Kaci was worried that she cannot buy me and Jeff anything and I told her she can.  I will give her $20 for each of us so she can buy us something she wants.  I think Kaci and I will get Jeff's this Saturday when we go shopping.

The more I can get done before this surgery the less stressed I will be.  I plan on getting some freezer meals made so it will be easier for Jeff as he is taking care of me and Kaci.  He is going to have to take on so much.

I love my family more than anything and I hope and pray my mom is doing better.  She is not taking this news very well.  I have invited her to every doctor appointment this week and I think the more she can be involved and educated the better she will feel.  I understand her feelings though, I am a mom too and if this was Kaci no matter our ages I would be just as upset.  There is a mother child bond that I cannot explain.  Jeff and I need to be very understanding of her feelings. 

For now I am not sure how I feel.  I am still waiting to wake up from this dream and I am not waking up.  I am so overwhelmed that I am going to start taking my Xanax again.  I just need to take things day by day and not look ahead too much other than getting Christmas taken care of.  

That is all for now.