My first haircut almost 7 months post chemo

Yesterday I got my first haircut almost 7 months post chemo.  The back of my hair was looking more and more like a mullet with each passing day.  Brandie asked me how I wanted it cut and I told her to do what she thinks is best, I am no expert on short hair.  I have never had short hair.  She trimmed quite a bit of the curl off of the neckline and then blended it with the back of my hair.  She trimmed other areas that were a little uneven.  Then she blew it dry and used the flat iron to create a spiky/ messy look.  I loved it!  It was cut into an actual style for the fist time since I completed chemo.

Of course this morning when I was doing my hair I cannot come close to how cute she styled it.  The flat iron is still hard for me to use because my hair is still very short.  I came close though.  I was able to flatten out some of the curl but having the neckline curls cut off makes me feel so much more confident.  The neckline is where I had the super tight perm like curls and I seriously thought I had the look of an old lady hairstyle minus the gray.  The rest of my hair is almost more wavy than curly, I can handle that!

I honestly thought that the chemo curl would not happen to me and then it did!  Then I thought it would go away after 6 months like most peoples do and it didn't!  I might be the unlucky one or maybe the lucky one who gets to keep it forever.  I might not mind the curls once my hair grows out and some weight is put on it.  It might turn out to be a nice pretty curl.  Either way for now I really need to embrace the curl and refrain from using the blow dryer and flat iron on it every day.  Right now my hair is brand new with no damage at all and if I keep using the heat then we all know what will happen- split ends!!!!

Here is a picture from yesterday but it is a selfie and I don't do selfies much so I am not very good at them but you can get the idea.

My first breast cancer walk

This past Saturday (October 10, 2015) was the American Cancer Society, making strides against breast cancer walk at Liberty Park.  I registered a while ago online and shortly after a gal from the American Cancer Society called to invite me.  I wanted to attend because the American Cancer Society has been so good to me.  When I was first diagnosed I turned to them and met with a gal up at McKay Dee Hospital who also happened to be a daughter of a very good friend of ours (both Jeff and I worked with him in the past).  She gave me so many resources such as the Look Good Feel Better make up class that I was able to attend while going through treatment.  With that class I was given high quality make up as well as tips and tricks to do my make up without any eye lashes or eye brows.  Of course my eyes watered the whole time I was on chemo so makeup wasn't really an option for me during the course of my treatment but I have since enjoyed using all the makeup I was given.  They also gave me a brand new wig and numerous hats that they had.  I didn't end up wearing that wig because I found the one that I purchased was more like me.  My goal this winter is to get everything together and take it back to the American Cancer Society for someone else that might be able to use them.

When we arrived at Liberty Park I was so overwhelmed with emotion.  There was pink everywhere!  There was also a survivor tent where I was given a long sleeve "Survivor" t-shirt as well as a darling Halloween Craft.  They also had waters and the most delicious cupcakes ever.  I had tears in my eyes more than once on Saturday.  I could not believe how many people there were to support such a great cause.  I felt proud to be there as a survivor.  I didn't fund raise-this year because I was so busy having fun after my crappy past year but next year I am going to fund-raise like crazy.  The day was beautiful and weather was perfect.  The walk was 3.1 miles and we completed the entire thing.

Later that night Kaci went with her friend and Jeff and I were sitting down eating dinner when he said that he had tears in his eyes seeing some people in front of us at the walk that on shirts that said walking in memory of _____________.  He said I don't ever want to walk in memory of you, I want to walk with you!!!  It made me cry.  I saw those people with the shirts too and thought the same thing.  I always want to be out there walking with my family and supporting a great cause.  I love that my family joined me at this walk.  In fact it was them that was pushing me to go.  I kind of wanted to bag it after a crazy summer of being gone almost every weekend.  It sounded good to me to just stay home, sleep in and relax but Jeff kept saying I think we should go and Kaci wanted to go too and was upset when I was considering not going.  Overall, it was a great experience and one that I will support in the future.

Here are some pictures from the day.

1 year ago today I found my lump

Today marks 1 year since I was laying down in my bed and decided to check my breasts and found a rather large lump/mass in my right breast.  I remember that feeling I had when I found it and kept thinking it was not real but kept feeling it.  I had that sickening feeling in my stomach telling me something was not right.  I went to sleep and forgot about it for the night.   I tried to forget about the next day but would get that same feeling stomach every time I would think about it.  I would not tell anybody about it until the next day when I decided to tell Jeff and he encouraged me to call my doctor.  I am so thankful for him because I am not sure I would have called otherwise.  I was scared and did not want to know what it was but on the other hand I did want to know what it was (if that makes sense).

Today I am in a good place.  I am thankful that this is all behind me and I am not dwelling on the fact that 1 year ago today I found it.  I am thankful I found it and hopefully will be around for many more years since I decided to go forth with all the recommended treatments.  So today, I will celebrate my life and my future.  I will not let cancer get me down today!!!

How I feel about October- breast cancer awarness month

Here it is now October 1st, the start of breast cancer awareness month.  This is a day I have been dreading for quite some time.  I have had a lot of anxiety leading up to this day, not because it is breast cancer awareness month but because this is the month last year that my world turned upside down.

Last night I basically had a mental melt down.  I had so many things to do and with knowing that the next day was October 1st, it was too much to bear.  I ended up telling my family that I would not be making dinner and that I needed to go to my dark bedroom and lay down.  Kaci was so sweet and said that she would make dinner for us.  She made us mac and cheese, it was so very nice of her to give me a night off.

I keep telling my mind to stop it!  I don't want another day wasted on worrying about stupid breast cancer but it is hard and sometimes my mind does go down that road.  I have to stop myself and pray when these feelings overwhelm me.  I have some new pains in my chest area and also on the back of my shoulder and I think these are making my anxiety worse.  They have been there for about a month but I won't go get them checked out for two reasons.  Reason one being I had a few trips planed that I wanted to take without any additional stress, in case it is bad.  Reason two being, a huge trip to Disneyworld here shortly, the same trip I had to cancel last year due to my diagnosis.  I don't want anything to stop us from taking this trip to Disneyworld as it is mine and my family's reward for everything we have had to go through this past year.  My next doctor's appointment is in November so I may just wait until that time or I may decide to go once I have taken my trips.  I know it is crazy that these trips mean so much to me but they do.  After my treatments were done I had a list of all the things I wanted to do this year in case it is my last and after Disneyworld, then I have crossed them all off.  If things turn for the worse at least I am full filled in all the fun experiences I have had this last half of the year.  I have had a lot of medical bills this year as well as bills from my trips that I will have to get paid but right now I don't care about the money I just want my family to enjoy experiences and make lots of good memories. 

I have never paid much attention to October and breast cancer awareness and it is just a coincidence that I found my lump on October 6th of last year.  I would like to encourage everyone out there to do monthly breast exams, they are so important especially if you are under 40 and don't yet qualify to get a mammogram and even if you are over 40.  I found my lump from a self breast exam and I wish now I would have done them more often and maybe I would have found it sooner before it had time to grow so large and spread to my lymph nodes.

It breaks my heart to find out about someone else who is diagnosed with this terrible disease.  I like a lot of  breast cancer Facebook pages and when someone new posts on them I like to send them a private message telling them how sorry I am that they have been dealt this cancer card and that I am here for them if they have any questions and I in turn usually share my blog.  I know when I was first diagnosed I felt so alone and someone shared their blog with me (thank you Pamela Payne) and I knew right then and there that this is what I needed to do also.  Her blog literally saved me and made me feel like I wasn't alone.  I have so many new friends who have gone through or are going through treatments right now. I cherish their friendships and their drives to fight!  I don't know that I will get to meet any of them in person in this lifetime as they are scattered all over but they are very dear to me as we are bonded by this terrible disease. I have so many blog readers from all over the world now and while they do not comment I can only hope that I am out there helping them.  Helping others is what I am meant to do with my experience.  I am also so very grateful for the gals that reached out to me who are friends/acquaintances of my friends (Andrea, Holly and Ginger just to name a few) who shared their experiences with breast cancer with me along with my special aunt Karen who was also battling breast cancer at the same time.  We spent hours on the phone helping and supporting one another.  

Please if someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer the best thing you can do for them is to be there for them.  Always try and take time out of your busy day just to make a phone call, visit or test message them.  It is so hard to feel so alone and a great support team helps so much. 

Bring on October, I can do this!!!!

Another trip (Best Friends Animal Sanctuary)

This past weekend (September 24th-September 27th) Kaci and I along with Debby were able to take a trip to Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab, Utah.  We planned this trip a year ago last August and this was the only trip that was planned last year that we didn't have to cancel due to my cancer diagnosis.  We decided to keep the reservations and see what the next year brought.  Good news for me, I was feeling great and still wanted to go on this trip.

We were able to stay on property at one of the cottages.  We volunteered each day for two shifts each with the exception of our last day where we only did one shift.  We volunteered with the dogs, cats and rabbits.  It was such a rewarding experience.  They need the volunteers to walk the dogs and to socialize with all the animals as well as a little bit of cleaning.  If they had to hire enough care takers then they wouldn't have much money left over to help the animals.  It was amazing and we met some really neat cats and dogs.  It was so hard to not take them home with us.  They do have nice living conditions unlike the shelters but it is still not a home and that one special person to bond to.

We were able to take a dog "Happy" on a sleepover one night.  He is a rottie mix and the sweetest thing ever.  He was so good with Kaci and was so happy the entire time, hence his name.  He joined us about 3:30PM and we took him on many walks but he would not potty.  Finally at 9:30PM that night he went potty but that was after coaxing him for over a half our.  We were ready to throw in the towel and just let him go on the floor if he needed to.  He slept with me in my bed all night.  He loved being comfortable on the sofa and the bed.  We had to return him at 8:00AM the next morning and then be to our next area to volunteer by 8:15AM.   I sure hope someone adopts him soon, he was rescued from New Mexico.  The next night we decided to take 2 kitties from the FELV room.  These kitties probably won't ever get adopted because of their illness and most only live 2-4 years after diagnosis.  These cats have to live with other cats that have this same virus or else they will infect the healthy cats.  We though the cats would be easier than Happy, boy were we wrong.  These silly girls kept us up all night with digging in their litter box and jumping up on our beds and purring all night long.  It was worth it though, it was nice to give them some one on one attention.

I highly recommend a visit to this place if your travels takes you out this way.  People come from all over the United States just to visit and volunteer at this sanctuary.  Some even adopt from them without a visit as they will fly most cats and dogs to their new homes.  These are some really special animals and it was such a gift to me that we got to meet them.

I love the co-founders and all they did to get this place up and running.  I only wish I was able to do something like this.  I have such a soft spot in my heart for animals, always have and always will.  When I was going through treatments my 3 dogs and cat were there for me every step of the way.  Animals just know when something is not right and they tend to cuddle up to you and give you more loves than usual.  I was so worried I was going to lose Jake during my treatments but he hung on and I think he hung on for me.  I just couldn't lose my first born fur kid while I was going through everything.  I do think our time left with him is getting shorter by the day.  He is falling down all the time, his back legs won't hold him up anymore. 

I have had the time of my life the past few months.  I have seriously been so busy this summer and I still have a couple more trips left.  After all I went through I vowed to myself that I will make this the best half year of my life and that it has been!!!!  I will find a way to pay for these trips later on.  I just had to make sure to get them in now while I feel good and as a reward to me and my family for what we have been through.  After these next 2 trips then we will take a break for the winter.  Hopefully next year will be good to us and we can travel a little bit more.

Medical Menopause Sucks!!!!!

I try and keep the things I say on here positive but sometimes I have to be real so that people understand that just because I am done with my treatments doesn't mean that I am back to feeling great and 100% normal and done with the side effects.

Chemo can do a number on your body and the side effects will last a lifetime.  I still have not  gotten my period back.  I am still in menopause and the longer I go without my cycle the more likely it is that I am in permanent menopause.  There are so many things that go along with this that I didn't even know until it happened to me.  Also because it happened medically and not on its own the side effects tend to be worse.  Even if my cycle does appear sometime in the future these side effects will remain because of the hormone blockers I have to take for at least 10 years if not more. 

I am still having so many hot flashes every day.  Along with getting super hot and sweaty, my heart races and makes me quite anxious.  Times this by about 30 of them a day and I am just down right uncomfortable.  My doctor says that they will die down over time but he cannot tell me how much time it will take.  My only relief would be to go on hormone therapy and receive estrogen supplements but with my cancer being hormone receptor positive this would only be nutrition for the cancer cells in my body.  I have tried the antidepressants that some people say helps to minimize their hot flashes and while I was only on it for 3 months, I didn't notice that it helped at all so rather than having my body become addicted to them, I chose to quit them cold turkey.

Along with the hot flashes I get what feels like cold flashes.  I am rarely at a comfortable temperature.  I am usually extremely hot or extremely cold.  It is so hard!!!!

The skin near my nail beds on both my hands and feet continue to crack and bleed. No amount of moisturizer seems to help.   I knew my skin would be dry once I lacked the estrogen but overall elsewhere on my body it seems to be under control but I do put on moisturizer on every day but there is no relief for my hands.

I have to urinate often.  Apparently this is another side effect of menopause and the lack of estrogen in your body.  I usually get up about 6-8 times during the night.  With each hot flash, I have to go to the bathroom even if I just barely went.  I spend a lot of time in the bathroom and washing my hands which might be why my fingers are suffering from so much dryness. 

I also cannot lose any weight.  I have been exercising and eating right for quite some time now and the weight won't come off.  Another side effect of stupid menopause brought on my cancer treatments!!!  I hate it.  I am having a really hard time looking at myself in the mirror.  I have never been this heavy.  I will continue to eat right and exercise anyway.  It is worth it to me to keep my body healthy even if it doesn't show.

My legs hurt all the time.  My doctor said it is probably arthritis due to menopause.  It sure came on fast.  My last cycle was last December and I started with the pain in May.  Some days are worse than others but I seriously walk like an old lady.  The pain is mostly concentrated in my heels but my hips do hurt at least once or twice a week.  I still get on the tread mill every single day and just walk through the pain.  I am starting to learn to live with constant pain. 

I think back on all of those years I just took my health for granted.  I was given so many good years.  I do not like that chemo has taken its toll on my body.  What's done is done and I cannot go back and change it even if I wanted to.  Sometimes I question myself on my choice to do chemo.  Sure I am here and I am alive but my quality of life is suffering greatly.  I won't even go into how it has affected my intimate relationship with my husband.  You get the idea!!!!  I am just so thankful that I have the best husband in the world who is so supportive and understanding.  I know without a doubt that he truly loves me and our love is so much deeper than all of this.  

Breast Cancer and it's treatments are really hard and I did not know about all of this that happens following the treatments.  It's hard to say what I would have done had I known all of this. 

End of summer

Wow, what a fun and crazy summer I have had.  We have camped more than I have ever  camped before.  It was so much fun spending time with family and friends this summer.  We camped at Sourdough, Fillmore, Bear Lake, Grand Teton and Yellowstone as well as went for many ATV rides.

This last weekend for Labor Day we were able to go with our friends camping at Bear Lake.  While the weather wasn't the best it was still so much fun.  We went to the beach, taught the kids how to play the lottery in Idaho, did Minnetonka Cave, rented the silly bicycles at the KOA, had a campfire and movie night, went out for a Big Ephraim pizza and milkshakes.   The kids played so hard on the playground, jumping pillow, miniature golf and swimming pool.  We didn't want the weekend to end it was just so perfect.  We already have another trip planned for next year to Dinosaur Land in Vernal, we cannot wait.

I am getting a little nervous as fall sets in as this was when I was diagnosed with cancer.  I know this fall will be better than the last but I get nervous the closer it gets.  Those feelings I had last year are starting to resurface.  I just need to keep busy as it approaches.  I still have a few more trips coming up that I am really excited about but once they end and life slows down that is when I need to keep my mind from going down "that road".

After I finished radiation in May I was determined to make this last half of 2015 be the best every and so far I must say that I am happier than I have ever been and so grateful to be alive and healthy.  This summer was honestly the best I have ever had and I am so thankful for good friends and family that I was able to share it with.  Here is to many more!!!!