Today marks 5 weeks since my last chemo treatment. Just last week I started to feel more and more like myself. The fatigue that I have been battling for months has subsided quite a bit. I am able to get out of bed either before my alarm or right when it goes off. My fingernails have not turned white any more than they already were and are starting to grow out. I have to keep them clipped really short until all the white grows out because I don't want to snag them. They still look terrible but that is the last of my worries. Now on to my hair.
My hair has some small stubble up until my last treatment but last week it has really taken off. I have fuzz all over my head but of course most of it is still white. Last week some brown started showing through and I have quite a few hairs that are 1/4" long. I will take it! I am just excited to have a little bit of hair. Of course I wish it would grow faster. I am still using the Nioxin kit and hopefully it will help it grow super fast once everything wakes up. This whole journey has been crazy but watching my hair start to come back has been so much fun. I am hoping that all of my hair will eventually come in brown like it was before. I have taken some pictures but it is really hard to see right now with most of it being white. I still look like I am completely bald but I assure you I am not. My favorite thing all along has been to rub my head, now it is even funner as I can feel all the hair. I am trying not to look to close so that when I do look I will be excited to see the new growth but Jeff and Kaci are so cute and every day they rub my head and get so excited and tell me all about it. I love that my family is just as excited for me as I am. I love them so much.
Today also marks the beginning of the 3rd week of radiation. Towards the end of the 2nd week I started getting a little red but it was not painful at all. Today the gal who helps get me into the machine looked at my skin like she does every Monday since I am on the trial for the Radiation Rescue cream and noticed that my skin was really dry around my scar and was a little bit flaky. She said to make sure I get a lot of cream in that area and really let it soak in. I also need to start putting the cream on three times a day to hopefully get rid of the dryness.
Before when I was on chemo I had to take a lot of pills now that I am onto radiation I have to make sure to put the cream on and sit with nothing on so that it can soak into my skin and then for my hair I put the Nioxin on 3 times a day. I would take this over taking pills any day so I need to stop complaining now. This will all be over here shortly.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
3 weeks post chemo
Today I am 3 weeks post chemo. All the achy side effects are gone but I am so tired all the time. I have been trying to work full days and after work I go home and lay down for a little bit. It is the only way I can make it through homework, dinner etc. Of course now radiation has started today I will only be working about 6 hours per day. I am so worn out by 3:00PM each day and where I am still getting up at the same time to make it to Ogden Regional on time I don't know that I will be able to stay longer than 3:00PM. Time will tell.
Last week I got another lovely side effect from the chemo. My fingernails started turning white and lifting from my nail beds. I have to be super careful not to snag them at all or they will tear the part where the nails are attached. While this is not too painful I am sure it will be should they snag. Each morning when I wake up I see more whiteness than the night before. I have trimmed my nails as short as I can get them to try and avoid the snags. I may have to resort to putting Band-aids on all of my fingers if it gets worse. My fingers are still a little bit numb and they do hurt more where the nails are lifting off.
On a good note and I am afraid once again to actually type this out but I still have my eyebrows, eyelashes and the hair on my arms. I am hoping to hold on to them but I am still nervous that they might fall out. If I can make it to 6 weeks post chemo without them falling out then I will have some hope that they might be here to stay but for now I wait.
I started Nioxin which is a shampoo, conditioner and scalp treatment to try and regrow hair. One of my friends that is a cosmetologist got it for me. Along with that is a hair regrow serum that is fairly new for Nioxin but it is similar to female Rogaine. I started it last Wednesday, April 8th. While I won't know if this is working or not I figure it is worth a try. I had quite a bit of stubble during my last chemo treatment and the stubble is definitely longer but it is still white so you cannot see it unless you tilt the mirror just right. I am so hoping it gets its pigment back soon and the color will start to show through. I was told that hair starts to regrow around 6 weeks or so. I can't wait until I can ditch the wig. I will probably ditch it as soon as I have some color on top. People will have to get used to seeing me with super short hair for a while as it grows back. I am totally comfortable with my bald head at home both inside and outside so I don't think I will have a problem with my super short new do. I just need enough color to show through to hide my huge red spot on the back of my head and then I will ditch the wig out in public as well. Hopefully by the end of June I will have enough to cover my head and I can go natural especially with the heat of summer almost upon us.
Last week I got another lovely side effect from the chemo. My fingernails started turning white and lifting from my nail beds. I have to be super careful not to snag them at all or they will tear the part where the nails are attached. While this is not too painful I am sure it will be should they snag. Each morning when I wake up I see more whiteness than the night before. I have trimmed my nails as short as I can get them to try and avoid the snags. I may have to resort to putting Band-aids on all of my fingers if it gets worse. My fingers are still a little bit numb and they do hurt more where the nails are lifting off.
On a good note and I am afraid once again to actually type this out but I still have my eyebrows, eyelashes and the hair on my arms. I am hoping to hold on to them but I am still nervous that they might fall out. If I can make it to 6 weeks post chemo without them falling out then I will have some hope that they might be here to stay but for now I wait.
I started Nioxin which is a shampoo, conditioner and scalp treatment to try and regrow hair. One of my friends that is a cosmetologist got it for me. Along with that is a hair regrow serum that is fairly new for Nioxin but it is similar to female Rogaine. I started it last Wednesday, April 8th. While I won't know if this is working or not I figure it is worth a try. I had quite a bit of stubble during my last chemo treatment and the stubble is definitely longer but it is still white so you cannot see it unless you tilt the mirror just right. I am so hoping it gets its pigment back soon and the color will start to show through. I was told that hair starts to regrow around 6 weeks or so. I can't wait until I can ditch the wig. I will probably ditch it as soon as I have some color on top. People will have to get used to seeing me with super short hair for a while as it grows back. I am totally comfortable with my bald head at home both inside and outside so I don't think I will have a problem with my super short new do. I just need enough color to show through to hide my huge red spot on the back of my head and then I will ditch the wig out in public as well. Hopefully by the end of June I will have enough to cover my head and I can go natural especially with the heat of summer almost upon us.
Radiation has begun
This morning I had my first radiation treatment. I had to be there a little before 8:00AM so that I would be ready to go by 8:00AM. They strive to be on time. Of course it is a Monday morning and the machine was giving them some troubles so they were about 7 minutes late.
I was taken back to the room where the machine is at and had to lie down in the mold that was made during the simulation. They had to get me just right and then I went inside the machine for a CT scan to line up and then was pulled out of the machine while the laser beams on the ceiling did their job. Then was put back into the machine for the treatment and then out one more time for another line up and then back in for more radiation. I didn't ask but I am assuming one was for the chest wall and the other was for the lymphatic system. I don't understand all of this as well as I should but I am sure by the end I will be an expert because I like to ask a lot of questions and understand what is happening to me. The whole time I was in the room by myself and could not move or we would have to start over. Brooke showed me before hand where she would sit and watch me on the computer monitor and that if I needed anything I had to yell for them to be able to hear me because the machine is so loud. I was able to stay still the entire time and relax myself by going to my happy place (Teton National Park) and day dreaming. The radiation treatment is a a little over seven minutes but with the machine going in and out to line up I end up being in there closer to 12-14 minutes each time.
I was so nervous this morning to go and I am sure my dreams last night didn't help my nerves. It really wasn't too bad. The position I have to lay in not very comfortable and I am a little sore from having my arms above my head but I don't feel any burning at all. They said it takes about 2-3 weeks for the side effects to kick in (fatigue, burning, blistering etc.) I am hoping that with this clinical trial burn cream I am on that I won't have too much in the way of skin problems. The fatigue however cannot be avoided. I just hope it doesn't get me down too much. I want to be able to work every day after treatment. It helps me to feel normal and keeps my mind from wandering down "that path".
Overall I am hoping that this treatment is quite uneventful and that I won't have much to post about.
I was taken back to the room where the machine is at and had to lie down in the mold that was made during the simulation. They had to get me just right and then I went inside the machine for a CT scan to line up and then was pulled out of the machine while the laser beams on the ceiling did their job. Then was put back into the machine for the treatment and then out one more time for another line up and then back in for more radiation. I didn't ask but I am assuming one was for the chest wall and the other was for the lymphatic system. I don't understand all of this as well as I should but I am sure by the end I will be an expert because I like to ask a lot of questions and understand what is happening to me. The whole time I was in the room by myself and could not move or we would have to start over. Brooke showed me before hand where she would sit and watch me on the computer monitor and that if I needed anything I had to yell for them to be able to hear me because the machine is so loud. I was able to stay still the entire time and relax myself by going to my happy place (Teton National Park) and day dreaming. The radiation treatment is a a little over seven minutes but with the machine going in and out to line up I end up being in there closer to 12-14 minutes each time.
I was so nervous this morning to go and I am sure my dreams last night didn't help my nerves. It really wasn't too bad. The position I have to lay in not very comfortable and I am a little sore from having my arms above my head but I don't feel any burning at all. They said it takes about 2-3 weeks for the side effects to kick in (fatigue, burning, blistering etc.) I am hoping that with this clinical trial burn cream I am on that I won't have too much in the way of skin problems. The fatigue however cannot be avoided. I just hope it doesn't get me down too much. I want to be able to work every day after treatment. It helps me to feel normal and keeps my mind from wandering down "that path".
Overall I am hoping that this treatment is quite uneventful and that I won't have much to post about.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Radiation Simulation
Today Jeff and I met with Dr. Fisher at Gamma West Cancer Center at Ogden Regional Hospital to discuss radiation. The people at this office are so nice and friendly, it is as if I have known them forever. I have met with them two other times, right after my diagnosis and right after my mastectomy surgery. I can't believe I have made it this far and will finally be able to start the radiation part of my treatment plan. I am excited to be through the worst of it and to get done with this part and move forward.
After our visit with Dr. Fisher I then met with Alex and Brooke while Jeff had to wait in the waiting room. I had to undress from the waist up and put on a gown that had one snap on the front. I was then taken back to the CT scan room where I had to lay on this hard pillow type thing. After they got me positioned with my arms above my head and my head turned to my left side they did something that caused this pillow type thing to form to my upper body. Then I was put into the CT machine for the scan. After the scan I stayed in position while they put four tattoo marks on my upper body. All of this is to make the plan for me for the Tomotherapy machine which will be ready next Monday, April 13th.
I will have 5 weeks of radiation which will start on April 13th and be completed on May 15th. The whole process will take 20 minutes and that includes the undressing, radiation and re-dressing. The Tomotherapy radiation treatment will take a total of 12-14 minutes. I will have to travel to Ogden Regional hospital each morning for treatment at 8:00AM. After that I will head to work. It will be nice to make a round trip out of it as part of my day rather than come to work and then have to leave work for treatment and then come back to work. I am excited that I got an early morning appointment and that time will not change during my treatments unless of course I need to change it for some reason. I know it will be a long 5 weeks but I have prepared myself for it mentally that this will be part of my daily routine and that I will not stress about the commute to Ogden Regional every day.
I am also going to do a trial for a new cream to help soothe the burns from the radiation. I had to verbally agree to only use this cream and nothing else during my treatment, unless of course it is not working for me and I am in pain. With that Brooke will need to take a photo of my skin each week to see how it is working for me. I am all about helping other people and hoping this cream does what it is supposed to and I won't have too much pain. I was told to take Tylenol and Ibuprofen for any pain related to the burning and muscle aches from holding my hands above my head each day. I was also told that I will experience fatigue during this treatment but it probably won't hit me for a couple of weeks. I am still so tired coming off of chemo. It is so hard to wake up in the morning and get ready for work and by the time I get home from work I have to lay down for a few minutes to recharge.
The coolest part of this appointment was when Dr. Fisher told me that once I am done with my treatment I will get to put my name on a flag that will then be personally hiked by volunteers to the highest mountain peaks. Some of them have been hiked up to Mt. Everest. You need to check out Dr. Brandon Fishers website called radiatinghope.org. It is an awesome program that he has started. The flags are Tibetan prayer flags which have come to represent strengh, hope, good health and well-being.
Here is a statement from Dr. Fishers website radiatinghope.org:
Cancer patients often describe their cancer like climbing a mountain: it’s difficult, but when you succeed, there is a huge sense of accomplishment and meaning.
During the journey, cancer challenges us to discover the strength and courage in each of us. We learn to rely on the talents and support of others.
It forces us to re-order our priorities and teaches us that life is a blessing and that we shouldn’t let a single minute go un-lived.
Isn't that cool! I am so glad that I have found such good doctors to be a part of my team and I cannot wait until I sign my name to a flag that will be flown high on a mountain top somewhere as I sign that I am now a cancer survivor!!!!
One last thing, Dr. Fisher will be on Channel 2 news this Thursday, April 9th at 5:00PM regarding his cancer center and the Radiating Hope Organization.
After our visit with Dr. Fisher I then met with Alex and Brooke while Jeff had to wait in the waiting room. I had to undress from the waist up and put on a gown that had one snap on the front. I was then taken back to the CT scan room where I had to lay on this hard pillow type thing. After they got me positioned with my arms above my head and my head turned to my left side they did something that caused this pillow type thing to form to my upper body. Then I was put into the CT machine for the scan. After the scan I stayed in position while they put four tattoo marks on my upper body. All of this is to make the plan for me for the Tomotherapy machine which will be ready next Monday, April 13th.
I will have 5 weeks of radiation which will start on April 13th and be completed on May 15th. The whole process will take 20 minutes and that includes the undressing, radiation and re-dressing. The Tomotherapy radiation treatment will take a total of 12-14 minutes. I will have to travel to Ogden Regional hospital each morning for treatment at 8:00AM. After that I will head to work. It will be nice to make a round trip out of it as part of my day rather than come to work and then have to leave work for treatment and then come back to work. I am excited that I got an early morning appointment and that time will not change during my treatments unless of course I need to change it for some reason. I know it will be a long 5 weeks but I have prepared myself for it mentally that this will be part of my daily routine and that I will not stress about the commute to Ogden Regional every day.
I am also going to do a trial for a new cream to help soothe the burns from the radiation. I had to verbally agree to only use this cream and nothing else during my treatment, unless of course it is not working for me and I am in pain. With that Brooke will need to take a photo of my skin each week to see how it is working for me. I am all about helping other people and hoping this cream does what it is supposed to and I won't have too much pain. I was told to take Tylenol and Ibuprofen for any pain related to the burning and muscle aches from holding my hands above my head each day. I was also told that I will experience fatigue during this treatment but it probably won't hit me for a couple of weeks. I am still so tired coming off of chemo. It is so hard to wake up in the morning and get ready for work and by the time I get home from work I have to lay down for a few minutes to recharge.
The coolest part of this appointment was when Dr. Fisher told me that once I am done with my treatment I will get to put my name on a flag that will then be personally hiked by volunteers to the highest mountain peaks. Some of them have been hiked up to Mt. Everest. You need to check out Dr. Brandon Fishers website called radiatinghope.org. It is an awesome program that he has started. The flags are Tibetan prayer flags which have come to represent strengh, hope, good health and well-being.
Here is a statement from Dr. Fishers website radiatinghope.org:
Cancer patients often describe their cancer like climbing a mountain: it’s difficult, but when you succeed, there is a huge sense of accomplishment and meaning.
During the journey, cancer challenges us to discover the strength and courage in each of us. We learn to rely on the talents and support of others.
It forces us to re-order our priorities and teaches us that life is a blessing and that we shouldn’t let a single minute go un-lived.
Isn't that cool! I am so glad that I have found such good doctors to be a part of my team and I cannot wait until I sign my name to a flag that will be flown high on a mountain top somewhere as I sign that I am now a cancer survivor!!!!
One last thing, Dr. Fisher will be on Channel 2 news this Thursday, April 9th at 5:00PM regarding his cancer center and the Radiating Hope Organization.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Side effects mostly gone and a new normal!
My side effects from my last treatment are gone with the exception of a little bit of numbness still in my fingertips. My doctor said that can last up to a year and in some people forever. With the little bit that I do have I don't expect it to linger too long.
This last round I started with side effects earlier than I did on the last three. Wednesday afternoon I started to get really tired and had a hard time concentrating so I left work around noon. I came home and slept and took it easy the rest of the night. I stayed home from work on Thursday and Friday and stayed in bed for most of the days. I had my usual leg pain and fatigue. Saturday morning Kaci had her first dance competition so I was awake at 5:45AM to get ready for that. I had it in my mind that Saturday I had to buck up and just get through the day no matter how I felt. I didn't sleep good Friday night so I was a little tired but we made it through the day. We had to be to Roy High at 8:15AM for her first performance at 9:00AM. After the performance we came back home with our family and made breakfast and then went back to the school at noon for her next performance at 1:45PM. We stayed until close to 5:00PM until the awards were done. Then we went to get something to eat and was home by 6:00PM. I was absolutely exhausted. I put on my comfy clothes and got into bed and watched TV until I fell asleep.
Today we had a family birthday party for Kaci, she is turning 10 tomorrow. We made it easy and had pizza, salad and breadsticks for dinner and then had an ice cream sundae bar for dessert. I am glad Kaci didn't want me to make dinner. Tomorrow for her birthday I plan on working a half day and then we are going to take her out to lunch and to Build a Bear workshop. We are finally going to use the gift cards that Jeff's friend at work gave us when I was first diagnosed. How thoughtful of them to consider Kaci during this hard time. She is so excited to finally get to spend them and what better of a day to do it than her birthday. It will be fun to spend the day with my little family.
I have taken it easy today after our super busy day yesterday. I did manage to get our laundry done and get our taxes filed. I knew this weekend was going to be crazy with everything we had going on and I stressed about it all week but now that it is over it really wasn't as bad and I imagined it and I was glad to actually feel pretty good this weekend. I know the tiredness is here to stay for a bit until all the drugs get out of my system. Some people recover after a year, others sooner. I don't have a lot of time to be tired and I just need to keep going.
Starting this week I will go back to work full-time. I am looking forward to getting back into my old routine. It has been 5 months since I worked full weeks consecutively. Of course I do not know yet what my schedule will be with radiation but either way I will be at work every day. I am looking forward to the summer and taking some vacation time off for long weekends camping at Sourdough and a week in August to hopefully go to the Tetons and Yellowstone.
I still can't believe that I am done with the chemo treatments and I didn't get sick once (Kaci was sick 3 times during my treatment). I feel like that had become my new normal and here I am thrown out there again to figure out yet another new normal. I am sure I will be saying this again once I start and end radiation. I guess my "new normal" will be once all the treatments are over and real life begins again. I know that my "new normal" will be wonderful. After everything I have learned going through this I see the beauty in absolutely everything. Life has perspective now and I have more compassion than I ever imagined was possible. I seriously love people. I find myself looking at others that I do not know and wondering what their story is about and wondering if they are suffering or going through hard times. I instantly love everybody that I look at. I realize that we really are all brothers and sisters and we should treat everybody with love and respect all the time. Life is beautiful and I am so thankful for this experience of breast cancer to make me realize all of these things. I wouldn't trade it for anything. You need to find the blessings even during the hard times because they are there.
This last round I started with side effects earlier than I did on the last three. Wednesday afternoon I started to get really tired and had a hard time concentrating so I left work around noon. I came home and slept and took it easy the rest of the night. I stayed home from work on Thursday and Friday and stayed in bed for most of the days. I had my usual leg pain and fatigue. Saturday morning Kaci had her first dance competition so I was awake at 5:45AM to get ready for that. I had it in my mind that Saturday I had to buck up and just get through the day no matter how I felt. I didn't sleep good Friday night so I was a little tired but we made it through the day. We had to be to Roy High at 8:15AM for her first performance at 9:00AM. After the performance we came back home with our family and made breakfast and then went back to the school at noon for her next performance at 1:45PM. We stayed until close to 5:00PM until the awards were done. Then we went to get something to eat and was home by 6:00PM. I was absolutely exhausted. I put on my comfy clothes and got into bed and watched TV until I fell asleep.
Today we had a family birthday party for Kaci, she is turning 10 tomorrow. We made it easy and had pizza, salad and breadsticks for dinner and then had an ice cream sundae bar for dessert. I am glad Kaci didn't want me to make dinner. Tomorrow for her birthday I plan on working a half day and then we are going to take her out to lunch and to Build a Bear workshop. We are finally going to use the gift cards that Jeff's friend at work gave us when I was first diagnosed. How thoughtful of them to consider Kaci during this hard time. She is so excited to finally get to spend them and what better of a day to do it than her birthday. It will be fun to spend the day with my little family.
I have taken it easy today after our super busy day yesterday. I did manage to get our laundry done and get our taxes filed. I knew this weekend was going to be crazy with everything we had going on and I stressed about it all week but now that it is over it really wasn't as bad and I imagined it and I was glad to actually feel pretty good this weekend. I know the tiredness is here to stay for a bit until all the drugs get out of my system. Some people recover after a year, others sooner. I don't have a lot of time to be tired and I just need to keep going.
Starting this week I will go back to work full-time. I am looking forward to getting back into my old routine. It has been 5 months since I worked full weeks consecutively. Of course I do not know yet what my schedule will be with radiation but either way I will be at work every day. I am looking forward to the summer and taking some vacation time off for long weekends camping at Sourdough and a week in August to hopefully go to the Tetons and Yellowstone.
I still can't believe that I am done with the chemo treatments and I didn't get sick once (Kaci was sick 3 times during my treatment). I feel like that had become my new normal and here I am thrown out there again to figure out yet another new normal. I am sure I will be saying this again once I start and end radiation. I guess my "new normal" will be once all the treatments are over and real life begins again. I know that my "new normal" will be wonderful. After everything I have learned going through this I see the beauty in absolutely everything. Life has perspective now and I have more compassion than I ever imagined was possible. I seriously love people. I find myself looking at others that I do not know and wondering what their story is about and wondering if they are suffering or going through hard times. I instantly love everybody that I look at. I realize that we really are all brothers and sisters and we should treat everybody with love and respect all the time. Life is beautiful and I am so thankful for this experience of breast cancer to make me realize all of these things. I wouldn't trade it for anything. You need to find the blessings even during the hard times because they are there.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
What I didn't know about chemo that I know now
There are so many things that I have learned about chemotherapy that I didn't know before until I went through it and of course most people won't go through all these side effects, I was the unlucky one:
I had no idea that chemo affects the outside of your body as well as the inside. I had numerous side effects that affected my face as if losing my hair wasn't enough. I had the rash on my face as well as shoulders, back and arms that wasn't so much as itchy as it was painful from the AC chemo. I had a huge sore that appeared out of nowhere on the inside of my nose but made the outside of my nose swell up and turn red. My eyes watered steady on AC that limited how much make up I could put on. My right eyelid swelled up so big that it was hard to see out of that eye. I had a urinary tract infection as well as painful urination. I have had hot flashes like no other that affect my sleep. I have had sore throats with my tonsils covered in white pus that hurt so bad to swallow that has affected how much I could eat and there were times I would spit out my saliva just so I didn't have to swallow it. I had been congested and had a deep cough throughout AC, it is like having a cold that doesn't go away that also affected my sleep. I had that dreaded fever over 100.4 which required a doctor's visit and the start of antibiotics.
Chemo really does zap your energy. I tried to be tough the first round and didn't get very far but without knowing what to expect I thought I could go to work the next day without any problem. I didn't realize how tired and exhausted I would feel. The first round of AC was by far the worst and it was even hard to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, I was that weak.
The nausea is very real with AC. It was literally like being pregnant again for 2 months. If I didn't have food in my stomach steady then I would feel it the worst. The anti-nausea medication they gave me really did help but didn't take it away completely. Each round after my first round of AC got a little bit easier nausea wise.
Chemo really does dehydrate you and very fast. I love water and didn't think I would experience it but with the yucky taste left in my mouth this was by far the hardest part. I put flavors in my water to try and get enough and then resorted to hot chocolate and decaf coffee. I had to go in for fluid two times and I honestly wished I would have done it each and every time, it really did make a difference.
I have learned about the power of prayer. I chose not to practice any certain religion but I have always been a very spiritual person and prayed almost daily anyway. Now I pray numerous times per day. I never feel alone and always feel comfort from the other side. It has helped me through it in my most difficult times. I do believe that I am given this trial for a reason and I feel it is my responsibility to share my experience with others. Right now all I have is a blog to share with you but once I am healed and feel emotionally ready I want to get involved in the community and help others who are having to deal with cancer. I feel it is the least I could do.
This really is not just about me but my entire family. Jeff has been so good to me. I never have to worry who will go to my chemo appointments. He may be hurting on the inside but I never saw it. Kaci is always saying she wishes she could have friends over and wishes for other things, it hurts me so much. It always makes me cry when she wishes for things that just cannot happen right now. I keep telling her that we are all going through hard times right now and once chemotherapy is done then we can resume our lives and she can have her friends over again. I wish she would stop saying she wishes but I know she is just a child and doesn't fully understand. She has seen me crying at times and I know it scares her and I try and hide it but sometimes she finds me in my moments of weakness. I guess it is good for her because I do break down sometimes too.
I feel some friends and family have pulled away from me. I feel that some friends and family must be scared of me as they have stayed away for the most part, while it hurts my feelings I also get where they are coming from. What do you say to someone who is going through this? Sometimes words are hard to find. Going through it myself I now know that I will never leave anyone alone and will send that simple text, email or phone call at least every week unless of course they tell me that they are bugging me. This blog is good but I don't hear from people as often but I do like that I can keep everyone up to date but just a simple text saying "I love you" or "I am thinking of you today" would mean so much. I can't tell other people how to help but I do know how to help other people now. I was one of those people who probably pulled away from friends or family when something bad happened to them because I didn't know what to day.
I have been so humbled by good friends and good neighbors who have brought over countless meals even though they have families of their own. I thought I would never be willing to accept help from others but this experience has taught me that this is their way to show they care and I believe that they will get special blessings from it.
I had no idea that chemo affects the outside of your body as well as the inside. I had numerous side effects that affected my face as if losing my hair wasn't enough. I had the rash on my face as well as shoulders, back and arms that wasn't so much as itchy as it was painful from the AC chemo. I had a huge sore that appeared out of nowhere on the inside of my nose but made the outside of my nose swell up and turn red. My eyes watered steady on AC that limited how much make up I could put on. My right eyelid swelled up so big that it was hard to see out of that eye. I had a urinary tract infection as well as painful urination. I have had hot flashes like no other that affect my sleep. I have had sore throats with my tonsils covered in white pus that hurt so bad to swallow that has affected how much I could eat and there were times I would spit out my saliva just so I didn't have to swallow it. I had been congested and had a deep cough throughout AC, it is like having a cold that doesn't go away that also affected my sleep. I had that dreaded fever over 100.4 which required a doctor's visit and the start of antibiotics.
Chemo really does zap your energy. I tried to be tough the first round and didn't get very far but without knowing what to expect I thought I could go to work the next day without any problem. I didn't realize how tired and exhausted I would feel. The first round of AC was by far the worst and it was even hard to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, I was that weak.
The nausea is very real with AC. It was literally like being pregnant again for 2 months. If I didn't have food in my stomach steady then I would feel it the worst. The anti-nausea medication they gave me really did help but didn't take it away completely. Each round after my first round of AC got a little bit easier nausea wise.
Chemo really does dehydrate you and very fast. I love water and didn't think I would experience it but with the yucky taste left in my mouth this was by far the hardest part. I put flavors in my water to try and get enough and then resorted to hot chocolate and decaf coffee. I had to go in for fluid two times and I honestly wished I would have done it each and every time, it really did make a difference.
I have learned about the power of prayer. I chose not to practice any certain religion but I have always been a very spiritual person and prayed almost daily anyway. Now I pray numerous times per day. I never feel alone and always feel comfort from the other side. It has helped me through it in my most difficult times. I do believe that I am given this trial for a reason and I feel it is my responsibility to share my experience with others. Right now all I have is a blog to share with you but once I am healed and feel emotionally ready I want to get involved in the community and help others who are having to deal with cancer. I feel it is the least I could do.
This really is not just about me but my entire family. Jeff has been so good to me. I never have to worry who will go to my chemo appointments. He may be hurting on the inside but I never saw it. Kaci is always saying she wishes she could have friends over and wishes for other things, it hurts me so much. It always makes me cry when she wishes for things that just cannot happen right now. I keep telling her that we are all going through hard times right now and once chemotherapy is done then we can resume our lives and she can have her friends over again. I wish she would stop saying she wishes but I know she is just a child and doesn't fully understand. She has seen me crying at times and I know it scares her and I try and hide it but sometimes she finds me in my moments of weakness. I guess it is good for her because I do break down sometimes too.
I feel some friends and family have pulled away from me. I feel that some friends and family must be scared of me as they have stayed away for the most part, while it hurts my feelings I also get where they are coming from. What do you say to someone who is going through this? Sometimes words are hard to find. Going through it myself I now know that I will never leave anyone alone and will send that simple text, email or phone call at least every week unless of course they tell me that they are bugging me. This blog is good but I don't hear from people as often but I do like that I can keep everyone up to date but just a simple text saying "I love you" or "I am thinking of you today" would mean so much. I can't tell other people how to help but I do know how to help other people now. I was one of those people who probably pulled away from friends or family when something bad happened to them because I didn't know what to day.
I have been so humbled by good friends and good neighbors who have brought over countless meals even though they have families of their own. I thought I would never be willing to accept help from others but this experience has taught me that this is their way to show they care and I believe that they will get special blessings from it.
Monday, March 23, 2015
4th Taxol treatment and my end of chemotherapy
Today was my 4th and final Taxol treatment and this completes my 16 weeks and 8 rounds of chemotherapy. Our appointment was at 9:00AM and we were a little late because of a wreck on the freeway. We got there about 9:10AM. Kaci came with us this time since it was my last treatment. I was all hooked up by close to 10:00AM. Jeff and Kaci got all of her school work done that she was going to miss today and then they went to the table and started building a puzzle while I closed my eyes. That Benadryl is powerful and immediately knocks me out. I didn't really sleep but I rested for a while. Debby and Wayne got there around noon and Debby bought 2 dozen cupcakes form the Sweet Tooth Fairy. If you haven't tried those cupcakes you need to, they were the best. They passed them out to all the other people getting chemo as well as the staff. What a nice gesture and it brightened everybody's day, thank you so much Debby! My mom and Hadlee got there about 1:20PM. Kaci was so excited to have Hadlee to hang out with until I was done. I finished about 3:00PM and we took pictures and then I got to ring the bell. As a parting gift the nurses gave me some sparkling apple juice. Then we headed to Red Robin for a late lunch/ early dinner. Wayne bought all of our food and it was delicious. As we were walking back to our cars my mom had a surprise for me. She bought me some new shoes that I have been wanting. Seriously, my family is the best. They have been so supportive through all of this and I love them more than words can say. I am so glad that Wayne, Debby, Mom, Hadlee, Kaci and Jeff all asked to share this day with me. It means so much to me to have them help celebrate this milestone. I must say that this day was as exciting as my wedding day and when Kaci was born. When I got home my wonderful friends Melissa and Stacie came over with balloons, flowers and a cake. I started crying when I saw what they brought me, these girls mean so much to me. They have helped my family out with countless dinners for weeks on end even though they have families of their own. I must say I have a wonderful support systems with great friends and family. It was so hard and taxing at times, there were times I wanted to quit but I stuck it out. I feel so much closer to Jeff after all we have been through and I love him very much. I also feel closer to God and I know he is near me at all times and that I am never left alone. I have learned so much and I have a whole new perspective on life in general as well as compassion for others. I have always had compassion but now I can really understand and feel what others are going through. I have learned so much about myself and my appearance as it has changed drastically through all of this. I know that I may not feel so pretty on the outside but I know I am beautiful on the inside and that I will made whole again when I die. I am finally at peace with how I look. I am taking this experience as a very positive one even though it was hard I feel blessed to have gone through this trial. Next step 5 weeks of radiation and my biggest gift of all, my hair will start to grow back. I can' hardly wait! By the way I CAN DO HARD THINGS!!!!
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| Kaci, me and Hadlee |
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| Me and my goofy girl Kaci |
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| Nurse Lisa, me and cousin nurse Debbie |
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| The balloons and flowers Melissa and Stacie brought me. The big balloon says "Celebrate Life" |
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| Here is my cake. I can't wait to dive into it!!! |
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| Me, Jeff, Kaci, Hadlee, Mom, Debby and Wayne |
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