Surgery Day

Today is surgery day.  It is 6:30AM and while I am very nervous and anxious about the surgery it is also the day that the cancer is removed from my body and for that I am excited.  I also know that today my body as I know it will be different forever.  I know I will have to grieve this loss but it cannot very long.  I have to gear up for chemo in 4 weeks.  I also know that once I leave this Earth and go onto Heaven that my body will be restored and that gives me comfort.  Also this could be worse it could be an arm or a leg and that would change my life forever.  Losing my breasts I can still do all the fun things I like to do.  It will not hinder me in any way.

I have to be at Ogden Regional at 9:30AM however my surgery won't be until later this afternoon.  I am the 4th of 4 women who are all getting bilateral mastectomy's today.  I am also the youngest.  Dr. Megan told me that they are in their 60's and 70's.  I know it is equally as hard on each one of us no matter how old we are.  I pray for them today as well.  I can't believe there are so many women, young and old with breast cancer.  It's amazing how a part of bodies that we were given to feed our children can turn up with cancer and in turn kill us if we don't take care of it. 

The part I am the most nervous about is the lymph node removal.  Dr. Megan is removing no more than 5 nodes because imaging does not support that this cancer has metastasized into them but it is better to test them just in case.  I am having a sentinel node biopsy, so they will do an injection of radioactive fluid and dye which will in turn go to the sentinel nodes (the nodes that breast fluid will first drain in to).  If it is in my nodes I don't know what will happen next.  I know all the chemo treatments will stay the same but I can only hope it doesn't mean another surgery.  However, I would do another surgery if that is what is needed to survive this.  I have said so many prayers and hopefully I will get a break this time.  Everything about this "mass" I found has turned out worst case scenario and I sure hope this is good news with my nodes.  Dr. Megan said she should know hopefully by Wednesday and will call me as soon as she finds out.

I hope and pray for Kaci, Jeff and mom that they will get through today with peace in their hearts.  I know this is really going to hit Kaci once she starts to see what I am going through.  Up until this point she has been herself which I am thankful for.  I don't want her to be unhappy or scared.  I am going to do my best to make her life as normal as possible.  I don't want her worrying about me all the time.  She is such a sweet and kind girl and I know she will help comfort me in times of need and I won't turn her away.  I am sure there will be times we cry together.  I only hope that when she grows up she doesn't remember a whole lot about her mom having cancer.  I do know that this experience will make her stronger.

I love my family so much and look forward to seeing them all at the hospital with me today.  Wayne and Debby, Bonnie, and Mom, Jeff and Kaci will all be there waiting for me.  Just knowing I have such a great family gives me comfort as I go in today.  I love them all so much.

Last night our family came and brought us dinner and dessert.  After we ate then my Aunt Karen and her family came over so that her dad and brother could give me a priesthood blessing.  The blessing was so amazing and so comforting.  The word peace was used so much.   I know my Heavenly Father is close to me and I am not alone in any of this.  I will get through this and I will help others who are getting ready to start their journey.  I will not stop.  I believe this cancer diagnosis is an answer to my prayers.  I have been praying for something "big" to help make a difference in others lives and I believe this is my answer.  Once I beat this I want to get involved with breast cancer awareness, walks, helping others etc.  My Aunt Karen is going through chemo right now, the same kind that I will be on.  She looked amazing and while she was not feeling good yesterday since she just had a Taxol treatment on Friday she still came out to support me.  It meant so much to me that she came over last night.  It was also good to see my cousins Nikkol and Kyle.  I have not seen them in a while and I know they are behind me 100% just like they are their mom.  I have so many people on my "team" hoping and praying for me.  The guys and gals at work are all rooting for me too.  They have all the said the kindest words and I cannot believe how many of the guys cried with me last week.  They seriously have hearts of gold. 

So as I go in to today I can find the peace and comfort in knowing so many people care about me and my family.  They are all praying for me.   

That is all for today.  It might be a while before I can write again as I will be on some heavy duty pain killer drugs.

First oncology visit with Dr. Johnson

We meet with Dr. Johnson the medical oncologist on Monday the 17th.  Jeff, Kaci and mom went with me.  It ended up being an 1-1/2 hour appointment.  He detailed my chemo schedule.  He also told me that the chances of re-occurrence based on the pathology report are quite high.  There is a low, intermediate and high category.  I am one point away from being in the high category.  Therefore the chemo treatment is really necessary.  Also it is based on tumor size and my was a 3cm.  Anything under 2cm you can usually not have to do chemo.  I feel with this whole experience I am getting the worst case scenario with everything.  I honestly felt when I was in surgery on November 3rd I would wake up and would be cancer, just like it was but I thought Megan would be able to get it all out and I would only have to have radiation.  Now it is invasive lobular carcinoma stage IIb until they can determine my lymph node status.  I have no choice but to take both breasts due to the lobular diagnosis which was fine with me because all along I said to myself if it is invasive I will take both so I don't ever have to deal with this again.  I have to do chemo for 6 months and radiation for 5 weeks every day.  So my chemo schedule he gave me is the AC aka "Red Devil" once every three weeks so basically 3 months for that treatment.  After that then I go once a week for 12 weeks (another 3 months) for Taxol and that is given for 3-1/2 hours at a time.  My hair will not even begin to come back on Taxol.  It won't start growing until I am all done.  So looking ahead because that is what I do, I should be done with chemo around June 15th and then 5 weeks of radiation after that.  That is good news because then we can start our camping up to Sourdough.  We may not be able to make our deck or extend our lot this year like we had planned but at least we can get up there and camp.  That is what makes me the happiest.  I am looking so forward to summer and hopefully all of this is behind me.  I am super optimistic that this chemo will take care of any traveling cancer cells and I will be in a full remission. 

I am getting more nervous by the hour and with each day that passes to go in for surgery on Monday, November 17th.  This is going to be hard to lose my body parts.  However, on the bright side I am glad it is not an arm or leg because losing my breasts still gives me full mobility and won't change my life at all.  Sure it might be hard to look at the new me in front of the mirror or in the shower but when I am dressed I will still look like me.  It might take some time to get used to the prostheses but in no time I am sure everything will feel normal.

After I am all done with this journey then I will decide if I want reconstruction or not.  I feel that this is not the best time.  I need to beat cancer first and not worry about the discomfort from the expanders and rush into this without really feeling that it is what I want to do.  Reconstruction can be done at any time and there are women who wait years to do it.  I feel that this is the best thing for me.  My family is super supportive and loves me no matter what.  All of this is a personal choice.  A choice to even go in for surgery, to do chemo, to do radiation.  Of course I am going to follow what they are suggesting because I am only 40 years old and I need to fight for my family.  I need to watch Kaci grow up.  I want to be there as she grows into adult hood.  I want to be there for her wedding and birth of her children.  Because of that I am going to fight with all I got.  I also want Jeff and I to grow old together and take all the trips that we have talked about.  I look forward to retirement, we are working so hard for that goal.

Tomorrow we meet with Megan to detail everything with the surgery and she wants to talk to me about my decision regarding plastic surgery.  My mind is made up to delay or possibly never do it but I do want to hear what she has to say and she wants to make sure that I am comfortable in my decision.

Shopping for a wig

Today I am going to go shopping with Kaci and mom and I think Debby is going to meet up with us.  We are going to SLC to a place called Creative Wigs.  Debby out of the blue yesterday emailed Mary Nichols from Channel 2 morning news team and asked where she got her cute wigs because she always looked so cute and they looked so natural.  Mary had replied to her email within 15 minutes and told her about Creative Wigs.  Their website is great and it gives me hope.  I am a little excited to go look at them.  Once I find that perfect hair I think I will settle down a little bit.  This losing my hair has me more scared than even losing my breasts.  It's weird but my hair is my everything. 

Last night we went to Heidi and Rob Aschliman's and Heidi and I went upstairs and sat in her huge closet and tried on her wigs.  I just stared at myself over and over and even shed some tears.  I came around though and even showed Jeff and Kaci.  The last one is so cute and a little sassy but by no means not out of my league.  In fact I am going to have my hair cut similar to that when I go to Brandie on Wednesday to chop off quite a bit.  My new friend Pam who is also Megan's patient talked to me the other day and told me to go get a haircut and make it a shorter haircut so that when I do lose my hair it is not as devastating.  I will have this new do for about 6 weeks until chemo makes it fall out.  I am still debating on having it shaved off right before chemo or right after chemo to spare myself the day it starts falling out.  I almost think for me it is best to shave it off before I show signs it is coming out. 

Also today I would like to find false eyelashes to be able to wear when I lose mine to and maybe even some light colored lipstick which I have never worn before just to give me a little color.

Yesterday at work (my first day back all week).  I had wonderful conversations with Dee, Sterling, Terry and Tiffany.  Sterling agreed to let me move my office upstairs so that I don't have to deal with all the traffic downstairs as I start chemo.  I am already going to feel somewhat ugly and worn down anyway.  It would be nice to be able to "hide" upstairs and be away from most people and be close to Terry.  She is honestly my rock at work.  She has been so amazing and our friendship just got tighter.  

I posted everything that has been going on with me on Facebook yesterday and I very rarely post on Facebook.  It is amazing all the kind words that people are sharing with me.  I know that I am not going through this alone at all.  This is affecting everyone of them as well.

Here is to hoping today is a good day with my family finding me some new hair!  We are also clothes shopping for Kaci for Christmas and can finish up next week if we need to.  She is super excited.  As we are out and about I also want to start checking around for beanie hats.  Last night my friend Heidi also gave me a few of her old beanie hats that she was given while going through chemo.  I would like to see what the stores have out there as well.  I figure the beanie hats will be worn around home and possibly even to bed so I don't get so cold as we are going into winter.  I may even venture out in public with them should I see fit.  Right now my feelings are to wear my wig to work and out in public so that I don't look like a cancer patient.

I can't believe all the nice generous things people are doing for my family.  There is no way we are going to get through this without all of them.  I have great friends.

Princess Kaci!

Debby

This is the wig I chose but in a different color, I had it cut 2 times to look like my new shorter hair cut.

I may have to go back and buy this one too.  I really like it.

I have cancer

Written on November 5th.

So my surgery was on Monday November 3rd I had to be at the hospital at 9:00AM.  We got there about 8:30AM and I turned to Jeff and said I wish this wasn't me going in for surgery today and he said do you wish it was Kaci and I said no, of course not.  He said so you wish it was me?  I said yes because you are so strong.  We just laughed a little bit.  We went in and got registered and then they called us back to the surgery waiting room.

It took a little while to get called and then they took us to a pre-op room where I had to get undressed and get dressed in their crappy socks and their almost plastic paper type gown but I guess they can plug those in and heat them up so they are good.  I was already sweating because I was so scared so I never used that option.  We sat in that room for almost 2-1/2 hours.  At first they were only going to let 2 people go with me until I told them that Kaci was only a 1/2 of a person and it was important I had Jeff, mom and her with me so they let her come.  They hooked me up to an IV for fluids and Kaci sat by me in bed and Jeff on the end of the bed and we watched TV.  The anesthesiologist came to talk to us and talked to me about my nasty cough.  He listened to my lungs and couldn't hear anything in there which I wasn't surprised as this cough has been pretty dry.  He kept asking if I thought I was well enough for surgery.  I told him I didn't know I was just so scared for everything.  He said he thought I would do fine because I didn't have fluid in my lungs so we went forth with it.  Megan came in right before they put me under and felt my lump and said it felt different, which I thought it did too because I felt it a couple of days before.  She had to mark it and initial it.  I asked her about the MRI with contrast that I had the Monday before.  I wanted to know if the tumor lit up.  She said it did show signs of being malignant however my lymph nodes don't show anything.  She said that imagining is a good sign that this has not spread to my lymph nodes.  I told her I wanted them to get pathology back asap.  I didn't want to wait like last time.  She said that while I was in the OR recovering she was going to have it ran downstairs to path so they could look at it and hopefully I would have an answer when I woke up. 

While I was in recovery she had her answer and went to talk to Jeff, mom and Kaci in a private room.  Jeff recorded most of the conversation that took place which was so nice for me to listened to after.  She said they removed a 6cm x 6cm piece but could not get it all, there is just no way.  I have to have a mastectomy to remove it all.  She said it is cancer and it is invasive but not sure if it is ductal or lobular, we will find out when pathology comes back.  We also need to find out if what the receptors are and hope that it is either estrogen or progesterone positive and not her2/nu. 

Then they moved me into a room for about another hour with my family before I could go home.  Megan came by to visit and I told her that they already told me it was cancer.  She explained everything to me as well but said I have 2 more surgeries ahead and I asked her why there were 2 more surgeries,  I thought there would only be one more if this came back cancer.  She said because I have to have radiation I cannot have reconstruction surgery right away.  The plastic surgeon will put in tissue expanders for now and then do the reconstruction surgery once I am done with radiation.  She said I will have 4 more appointments this week until I see her again on Thursday the 13th.  I was so overwhelmed with everything but once again Jeff voice recorded everything for me.  I asked her about chemo and she said she won't know until after they take some nodes out for testing.  But then she said I may have to have it anyway because of the size of the tumor.  I told her I don't want chemo, I will do all the rest but I don't want chemo.  She told me I am getting baptized by fire and I will be life long friends with herself as well as the oncology staff.  I will be visiting them for the rest of my life. 

So onto the appointments, it was important that I got up to her office yesterday, one day after surgery for a chest x-ray and blood work for genetic testing as well as a full blood panel.  Jeff and I got up there around 8:40ish.  Jennifer the nurse was not there but I wanted to ask for more of the ice packs that she Jane gave me after the biopsy so the other gal took me back to Jane.  When we got to her office Dr. Alder was in there too and they were actually discussing me.  They included me and Jeff in on the discussion.  Dr. Alder explained why the tumor size was bigger than what ultra sound showed it to be.  I don't know that I totally understand but it was still nice to talk to him.  I thanked him for questioning pathology.  He said he knew it was cancer because he has seen this quite often.  He said I did the right thing by doing the lumpectomy surgery so that we had a bigger sample to test.  Afterwards I told Jane I needed to go back up front to register for the chest x-ray and she said we didn't she did everything for us.  It was so nice to be treated like a person and not a patient!!  She took us to the chest x-ray room and it was super easy for me.  After we walked out Jane was waiting in the hall and said Dr. Alder wants to read this x-ray with us before we left so that we don't have to wait.  They are so nice to me there.  He took me and Jeff in and showed us my lungs, bones, ribs etc and said that the cancer hasn't spread at all to any of these areas.  I had tears in my eyes as I thanked Dr. Alder over and over for treating us so nicely.  Then we went back to Jane's office and she brought us through the back door to go talk to Jennifer, Dr. Megan's nurse.  She had some paperwork to fill out for the blood test.  We asked her questions about recover time for the double mastectomy she said to plan on 4-6 weeks.  It took both me and Jeff by surprise because I assumed a 2 week recover time.  We walked down to get the blood drawn and then headed towards home.

I called Terry at work because the plastic surgeons they want to use are not on our insurance.  She called our insurance and was told to just book them because they cannot get a hold of the one that is on our insurance that Megan trusts and just go with it and beg for forgiveness after.  She said many claims do get paid but we have to file an appeal.  So I called Jennifer and she put us on the schedule for November 17th.  There are two other women that are having this exact same thing done that day, so now there will be three of us.

Today I meet with the chemo oncologist, Vincent Hansen who both Karen and Heidi recommended (they called later and told me they had to reschedule and could not get me in for a week and a half so Jennifer made an appointment for me to meet Dr. Johnson instead).  I will get my pathology report today.  I am super nervous and I am hoping for the best case news and hopefully won't have to do chemo.

Tomorrow we meet with the radiation oncologist in the morning and then the plastic surgeon in the afternoon.

I have a book and have written down questions for each doctor and will write the answers in this book as well.

I have a lot ahead of me and I am so scared.  I am going to read a book about bilateral mastectomy's before I go in to help ease my fears.  I cannot believe I am dealing with this.  I really can't.

I am going to go to work on Friday since I am well enough and I don't have any more appointments.  I need to get our Disneyworld trip canceled per Megan's request.  It is fine though because I can use all of that money for my medical bills.  It is a relief in some ways.

Yesterday after the xray and blood work Jeff and I went to Walmart and bought Kaci a bunch of things for Christmas.  I told him we needed to get it done by the end of next weekend.
 
Kaci and I are going to go shopping on Saturday for clothes, Pj's etc.  I want her to pick out her clothes that she wants for Christmas.  Next weekend I am going to get our Christmas trees up but will probably put a sheet over them until at least Thanksgiving week.  I will get all the presents wrapped and ready also.  Of course there will probably be some things I get her off of Amazon but I just need the store purchases done.  I also need to order our family pictures ordered that we had taken in October so that we have something to give our parents for Christmas.  We have decided that we aren't going to do gifts for each other or our parents this year.  We need our money for medical bills.  Kaci was worried that she cannot buy me and Jeff anything and I told her she can.  I will give her $20 for each of us so she can buy us something she wants.  I think Kaci and I will get Jeff's this Saturday when we go shopping.

The more I can get done before this surgery the less stressed I will be.  I plan on getting some freezer meals made so it will be easier for Jeff as he is taking care of me and Kaci.  He is going to have to take on so much.

I love my family more than anything and I hope and pray my mom is doing better.  She is not taking this news very well.  I have invited her to every doctor appointment this week and I think the more she can be involved and educated the better she will feel.  I understand her feelings though, I am a mom too and if this was Kaci no matter our ages I would be just as upset.  There is a mother child bond that I cannot explain.  Jeff and I need to be very understanding of her feelings. 

For now I am not sure how I feel.  I am still waiting to wake up from this dream and I am not waking up.  I am so overwhelmed that I am going to start taking my Xanax again.  I just need to take things day by day and not look ahead too much other than getting Christmas taken care of.  

That is all for now.

Jeff and Aimee's 13th Anniversary

Today is mine and Jeff's 13th anniversary and one day before surgery.  While we couldn't go forth with the original plan to go to Park City for financial reasons as well as me being sick with a terrible cold.  We were able to go out to dinner last night at Texas Roadhouse and then come home and watch a Redbox movie.  It was still nice for us to be able to celebrate.  First thing when I woke up this morning I realized I hadn't even gotten him a card.  I feel so bad, my mind is preoccupied with other things right now.  With trying to get some rest with this terrible cough I have and then thinking about the surgery on Monday, I totally forgot.  I can't believe I forgot such an important event. 

Tomorrow is surgery to remove the lump.  While I am hopeful that it will come back benign I am also trying to prepare in case it comes back malignant.  As much as I would like to have this surgery and be done with it forever I am not so sure that is in the cards for me.  I am nervous for the surgery, nervous to go under and what I will look like after it.  Dr. Megan Grunander did tell me that I will have an indent from where she will take out this tumor as well as a large scar.  I sure hope things go good tomorrow and I can put all of this past me.

I feel like I still have so much more to see and do.  I still want to watch Kaci grow up and have a family of her own.  I want to be there for her and her family as much as possible.  I want Jeff and I to grow old together and I look so forward to retirement so we that we can continue to see the world.  We both love to be on the go and do as much as possible. 

I need to try and get some rest today as well as tonight.  I cannot take my prescription cough medicine tonight so I don't know how much rest I will get.  We need to be at the hospital at 9:00AM to check in.  I have said many prayers that this is the end of this journey for me and that everything will come back benign.  I want to be excited for our Disneyworld trip coming up on December 13th.  I still have to finish buying the tickets and start planning out our clothes etc.  For now I have not been excited at all just in case we cannot go.  I hope I get answers before next weekend!!