4 month check up and my 42nd Birthday!!!!

I had another 4 month check up with my oncologist on July 28th.  I am late in writing about it but quite frankly I am living the dream and don't like to think back to my cancer days.  I do need to write this update though even if I am 2 weeks late.

My appointment was at 9:30AM on July 28th and of course I had anxiety leading up to the appointment again.  It started a week before but I was able to calm myself a little bit but the closer it got the more "sick" I made myself.  I seriously wish you could just turn off your mind sometimes.  It is crazy how physically sick your mind can make you.

When I pulled in the parking lot I was sick and had to run to the bathroom before I got checked in.  All the nervousness makes my stomach so upset.  I got checked in and didn't even have a chance to sit down before they called me back which is a good thing because sitting there in the waiting room would have made my anxiety worse.  Nicole took my blood and all my vitals and then I was taken to a room.  Seriously the smells and atmosphere in the office is enough to make me want to puke.  Nothing against anyone that works there but after going through chemo and how sick it made me, the flashbacks are almost just as bad and I literally feel the way I did while going through chemo, it is crazy!  My doctor came in to greet us and wished me a Happy Birthday on Saturday.  I thought that was very nice of him.  Before cancer my birthday wasn't a big deal but now it is a very big deal because I want to have many more of them.  We talked about how I have been feeling and if I had any concerns.  I told him I feel the same and nothing has changed since last time.  The menopausal symptoms still give me a lot of discomfort.  The arthritis in my legs continues to make me walk like an old lady.  Yada, yada, yada!!!!!

I talked to my oncologist about seeing "other" doctors like my OB GYN, my surgeon and radiation oncologist.  I am really just done with doctors other than my oncologist.  He told me that there isn't a need to see my surgeon or radiation oncologist and quite possibly my OB/GYN if I don't want to.  Well, I don't want to.  My radiation oncologists office has called me three times to make an appointment and even sent a reminder in the mail.  I have ignored them all and it feels good, not because I don't like the people because I do like them very much, it is that I feel like I am in control of my life and body finally!  I don't want to spend more money on worthless doctors appointments and more anxiety than I care to have.  My oncologist told me that he would take care of all my of needs however I will need to see someone separate for my high cholesterol.  He recommended someone in general practice (I do not want to go back to my OB/GYN see my post about breaking up with a doctor).  I have someone in mind and I have seen her a time or two before as has Kaci and I really like her plus her office is really close to my home.  So for now I will keep taking my statin that the last doctor gave me until I run out and then I will make an appointment with the general practice doctor.  I would like to see if my cholesterol has come down or not after 6 months of taking it before I run into her office.

My blood work results came back good.  He checked my hormone levels and they continue to show that I am in menopause however he said there is still a chance that I might come out of it.  I just don't feel like that is going to happen for me though.  I think it is permanent especially since the women in my family all started menopause in their late 30's or early 40's.  He also checked my chest wall and armpits for anything unusual and didn't find anything.

I asked about increasing my Gabapentin for the hot flashes so he gave me a higher dose and I can play with it a little bit.  I don't think it is going to work for me.  I have increased my dosage and it has made me a walking zombie and my hot flashes are still just as strong.  I am getting to the point that I am just going to have to accept them for what they are.  They never get easier though and some of them still continue to be quite debilitating.  Same old story!!!  I am hoping that over time things will change and I will have some happy news to report about the hot flashes.  I would take the pain from the arthritis any day over the hot flashes and until you have experienced both of them I am sure you would too!

I go back and see my oncologist again in 4 months and after that he said I will graduate to every 6 month appointments since this November is two years since my diagnosis.  It will be so nice to have these appointments spaced out a little bit further.  I still worry a lot about what my future holds but I do try and live in the moment and make plans for the future.  I have my good days and bad days but until you go through something like this you won't understand.  Life does get back to normal and you do fall into the same old ruts but then certain things take you back and make you appreciate everything again.  Just like this morning I was driving into work and the sunrise got to me because it was so beautiful and then I remembered that I need to enjoy this day.  God gave us this beautiful sunrise to enjoy and there are beautiful things all around us in this hard life.  We need to love and appreciate the beauty that is all around us and that includes everything and everyone. 

 We had a big weekend planned for my 42nd birthday on July 30th.  Since it fell on a Saturday we were able to celebrate up camping and with my 4 month check up behind me I could focus on a great birthday weekend.  We left to go camping on Friday night and on Saturday morning (my birthday) we headed up to Monte Cristo parking lot which is only a few miles from our summer camping lot at Sourdough and we met our friends there for a nice scenic 4-wheeling ride to Bear Lake, Utah.  The ride to Bear Lake took us about 4 hours and along the way we saw that someone had left their campfire smoldering.  We poured our bottled water on it and put dirt on and waited around until we were sure it was out.  There have been so many fires around our state from our very hot and dry summer and one of my friends that came with us has some mountain property in Wyoming that caught fire just 2 days before and he wasn't sure if his place had burned or not, sometimes people are so irresponsible.  Once we got to Bear Lake we ate at The Bear Lake Pizza Place and got a gigantic pizza called the "Old Ephraim".  There were 9 of us and we were able to finish all but about 2 pieces of pizza.  Then we had to get a milkshake for dessert and then we headed back.  The ride back was very quick since we went a different way, we made it back in 2 hours.  When we got back to camp we all took a shower and then Kaci and Mom had made me a birthday cake and I opened presents.  It was such a fun birthday.  We stayed up camping for another two nights and on Monday before we left Mom and I took a RZR ride around Sourdough and stumbled upon 2 bull moose that were taking a dip in one of the ponds.  We watched them for almost an hour.  It was absolutely amazing and something I will never forget.

This summer has been super busy with us camping almost every weekend since the middle of June.  I have enjoyed it so much and I love it in the mountains.  I have also enjoyed having Friday's off from work this summer and being able to spend it with Kaci.  We haven't done as much as I had hoped but we have gotten a few things in.  I am looking forward to fall and the change of seasons.  School starts on August 23rd and Kaci is beyond excited to start 6th grade.  Life is about to resume to our normal fast pace with school, homework, dance, friends and work.  I guess I am ready for it.  I am looking forward to still having my Friday's off from work and that way I can get all of my chores done so we can enjoy our weekends together.

That is all for now.  Enjoy the pictures from my fun birthday weekend!

The moose that we watched for an hour at Sourdough

The pretty scenery on our ride to Bear Lake

Us at Ephraim's grave

The story of Ephraim the bear

The pizza

Our RZR's and 4 wheelers at the pizza place

The gift that keeps on giving

I titled this post as the gift that keeps on giving.  The reason- chemo side effects still going strong.  Do I consider chemo a gift since hopefully it will leave me cancer free for quite some time?  It depends on the day.

I got glasses last week.  I have been having terrible headaches in my eyes if that makes sense.  It has gone on ever since I finished chemo.  I refused to believe that chemo ruined my vision because it has ruined so much else.  I also thought maybe my headaches were from not sleeping at night and I am sure that is part of my eye straining/pain problems.  I decided at the end of April to go get my eyes checked and sure enough I have some vision loss.  Most of my vision loss is farsightedness but I do have some slight nearsightedness too.  So now I have glasses for work.  Last Monday I was so sick to my stomach trying to get used to them.  I only wore them for about 75% of the day.  With each day since then I have been able to increase the amount of time I wear them.  My headaches have for the most part subsided but my eyes still have that strange feeling that they have had for quite a long time.  It is almost like they are dry and I have to blink a lot!  It is weird and very hard to describe.  I also got driving glasses but right now I haven't used them since most of my driving is during the day and I need my sunglasses.  I mainly got them for night driving since I have been told that they will help to clear up some of my night blindness but I try and stay away from driving at night. 

I am still not sleeping well.  I got a Fitbit for Mother's Day and it tracks my sleep or in my case lack of sleep.  It shows me just how terrible of sleep I get each night but I already knew that.  I continue to be exhausted at the end of every day.  The time of day I look most forward to is after dinner because that is when I go take a shower and lay down in my bed and most of the time that is at 7:00PM.  That doesn't mean I fall asleep, but sometimes I do.   Considering I am up about every 1-1/2 to 2 hours because of hot flashes and then I am awake from anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour after each one I can justify laying down at seven.  After a hot flash you cannot just fall back asleep it jolts you wide awake.  I fight sleep each and every night and sometimes I even have a little anxiety about going to bed because I want sleep so bad and I know that I will not get it.  I remember back to when Kaci was a newborn and wanting sleep but knowing I wouldn't get it and wondering if it would ever end and it did end and I was able to get sleep again that is until cancer hit me!

I feel that my body has failed me in so many ways.  There are so many things it cannot do anymore and I have pain each and every day but I always tell myself that this body is temporary and one day I will get that release just like each and every one of us will.  I don't like thinking like that but it is honestly the only thing that gets me through each day.  If I had to live like this forever and ever I could not be happy.  I am happy because I am alive and get to spend time with my family and friends but some things are just so hard to do anymore.  I love exercising but when I get going a debilitating hot flash will hit that knocks me down.  I cannot stand and I cannot continue what I am doing.  I have to sit down and wait for it to go away.  These hot flashes during physical activity seem to last the longest and take quite a while to  go away.  I guess I need to be thankful that I can still get around on my own and that on the outside I look fairly normal to everybody else.  If only they knew how I really felt inside.

One last thing and I would like to give credit to a new friend whose blog I follow super close and who has been through more in her lifetime than most people.  Imagine having hip replacements in your 30's only to get diagnosed with breast cancer in your 40's and still have two young kids left to raise.  Because of her I am going to take more time to myself.  She has been deciding on a career change to help give her less stress and I have decided to cut back my hours at work to give me more time with my family and getting things done around home without being so exhausted all the time.  I am excited to spend some extra time with Kaci this summer as I will have every Friday off and when she goes back to school I will get some precious time to myself that I so desperately need.  I honestly feel like I run around like a mad woman most days and I cannot focus so good anymore so my brain is super foggy and I forget stupid things like turning off the bathroom faucet after washing my hands (yes that really happened) or losing my favorite pair of shoes and looking for them high and low until I was in tears and then having Jeff ask me if maybe they are upstairs near the treadmill and then remembering that I just wore them that morning when I was exercising as well as every morning for the last few weeks.  Then I went and locked myself in the bathroom and cried until I couldn't cry anymore.  Losing my memory has by far been the hardest part.  I have such an obsessive compulsive personality and when I forget something or cannot find something I really freak out and now that these things are happening more frequently I cry a lot!  I hate that I cannot remember things and I have an even harder time when Kaci gets mad at me because I cannot remember a conversation we had and then I cry and then she feels bad that she hurt my feelings.  It is a never ending cycle.  She is stuck with her "new" mom as my life will never be the same.

I don't want this to sound like a downer post but this is what I go through on a daily basis.  I am looking forward to summer and sunshine which is always good for my soul.  We are getting our trailers and ATV's all ready for a lot of camping trips.  Jeff only has one class this summer and it looks to be pretty low key so that we can enjoy a lot of family time.  School is on May 26th for Kaci and she and my mom have some fun plans on Tuesday and Wednesday's since my mom doesn't work on those days.  She is also hoping that she can hang out with Jeff's mom this summer too and best of all she gets me and I get her all to ourselves on Friday's!!!

Breakup with a doctor

So back in December I posted about another great doctor on my team.  One that is into practicing holistic medicine.  I do need to start by saying that yes, she has gotten my cholesterol under control holistically (Red Yeast Rice) and I am very grateful for that.  She has also introduced me to COQ10 as well as diagnosing the MTHFR gene so now I am taking a methyl form of B vitamins which should help my liver process out toxins better. 

This week I had another appointment with her and we were discussing my overall health and when I told her that I am not sleeping at night she asked me why.  As if we haven't discussed me being in permanent menopause at age 41 and the hot flashes that occur almost hourly each and every day.  In fact back in December she tried to prescribe me Zoloft until I told her I couldn't take that drug because if its interaction with Tamoxifen.  I said to myself "whatever" and re-discussed menopause with her.  She told me to try Xanax and I had to tell her that there are only 4 medicines out there that I can even try and take with being ER/PR positive and I am pretty sure Xanax was not one of them.  She pulled out her phone to research to see if Xanax is safe and she told me it doesn't react with Tamoxifen.  I told her that I have a prescription for Effexor and she told me not to even try it, that it is not good for hot flashes.  Now I have researched everything about breast cancer and I mean everything and a lot of people find success with Effexor.  I just haven't had time to give it a try because of how tired it made me that one day that I tried it.  I am waiting for the perfect time to try it and I want to start it on a Friday night when I know that I can sleep in on the weekend and so far I haven't had a chance but I will try it eventually! 

Then she told me to try Estrovera for hot flashes which is a supplement that has been known to help hot flashes after 12 weeks.  Just the name of it scares me, it sounds too much like estrogen and that is a very scary word for someone like me.  I asked her if it is safe and she said of course it is safe and it doesn't react with Tamoxifen. I have  been told by my oncologist to stay away from any type of supplement that can mimic estrogen and when I told her that she acted like she didn't even hear me and ended up writing it down on the papers she gave me anyway.  I asked her if I should still take my Gabapentin along with it and she said yes, that the Gabapentin is for the bone pain.  What?  I have bone pain that I didn't know I had.  I told her I take Gabapentin for hot flashes and she was floored that I would take that for hot flashes.  However, she should already have notes about this since I started Gabapentin last December and discussed this very drug with her and the reason that I was using it. 

Next, I asked her about appetite suppressant to maybe help me lose some weight since it has been over a year and I cannot lose any.  I haven't gained any since March of last year but I haven't lost any either.  No matter how hard I try my weight won't budge and it is getting very frustrating.  She told me that since I am not sleeping at night as it is so she won't prescribe nor recommend taking any sort of appetite suppressant since they will keep me up all night which is probably true due to the added caffeine in most of them.  She said the best way to lose weight is to eliminate all carbohydrates from my diet.  I tried that back in December for a one week and there is no way I can do that type of a diet long term nor do I believe it is safe to do long term.  She told me that is the only way and that all wheat has Roundup on it and that is what we are eating when we eat wheat.  She had only terrible things to say about any type of grain.  I told her that the dietician I saw in January recommends eating from all the food groups but to try and get more of the whole grains rather than the "white" grains and that I have for the most part completely switched to whole grains.  She went on and on again about how bad they are for you.  I guess everybody has an opinion and what works for one doesn't work for another and I get that.  I just felt like she wasn't listening to me no matter what I said. 

After all of this I was done and just shut down and wanted to get out of there.  She wanted to do a pelvic ultrasound since it has been 6 months and I lied and told her that I will be having those done at the radiology department instead.  In reality I will only do them if my oncologist feels it is necessary since Tamoxifen can cause uterine cancer and if he feels I need one then yes, I will do it at the radiology clinic (this was the suggestion by my surgeon back in January only because she isn't a radiologist and doesn't know everything to look for).  I was in complete disbelief that she was so nice and caring back in December and also in February but this time she was asking me all sorts of things that she should already have notes about.  I feel now like she doesn't know me nor does she have any regard to my health and well being.  

When I was leaving she handed me the prescription for Xanax and because I felt like our whole conversation this time was an argument I just took it and left.  Of course I will never fill it!  I came back to work after this appointment crying and feeling more frustrated than ever.  I wish so bad that I can get over how I look and not worry about my weight, but I do.  I am only 41 freaking years old and I have the weight gain that most women get in their later 50's and 60's when they reach permanent menopause.  Let alone I walk like an old lady because of the arthritis in my legs.  I am having a really hard time right now.  Jeff made me feel better when he told me that he loves me no matter what I look like and he told me that he disagrees with everything that I told him about this doctors appointment.  After that I chose to leave all of this behind me and not look back (with the exception of typing out this blog post, ha, ha). 

I guess it is safe to say that I am officially breaking up with this doctor who by the way really isn't a doctor, she is a nurse midwife!!!!! 

One year post chemo

Today marks one year since I finished chemotherapy.  I can't believe it has been a year already.  Time sure flies when you are having fun!

So here I am not in active treatment anymore.  I have my life back!  However, the anticipation of the appointments at my oncologist office every four months gives me great anxiety as I mentioned in my previous post.  I am glad my appointments are every four months now because until about the week before the actual appointment I don't even think about it.

Things are definitely different than before cancer.  The treatments have left me with side effects that will last a lifetime.  Life changing side effects at that.  Everybody always asks me how I am feeling and I usually reply "pretty good" I know they don't have an hour to spare while I explain how I really feel.  So how do I really feel?  I feel like crap most of the time.  My biggest complaint is the hot flashes.  They are seriously so debilitating and embarrassing.  Try talking to someone in the middle of winter and breaking out in a sweat that makes your hair wet and sweat dripping down your forehead and neck.  It plain out sucks and just wait until after the hot flash is gone and you are shaking because you are so cold.  It is a never ending battle with me and I am rarely at a good temperature, I still can't believe that estrogen controls every aspect of our bodies as a woman.  As I said in my previous post I am increasing my dosage of Gabapentin to hopefully help the hot flashes but I am only on day two of the increase so I haven't noticed anything different.  I am waiting for about a week to see if I am getting any relief and if I am not then I will add Effexor to the mix but I am hopeful that I will get some more relief by taking these medications.   I do worry though because I remember when I was on Effexor before that it leaves me a bit tired and dizzy and not feeling like myself, plus they have sexual side effects too as if I don't have enough of that already (actually this was why I quit Effexor before but now that menopause and the hormone blocker have left me with these side effects by adding Effexor back I probably won't even notice anything).   I only hope that the tiredness and dizziness isn't too bad because I do work full-time and I am a mom, plus my husband is in school so I have taken on all the household chores while he concentrates on his studies.  I have so many responsibilities so these side effects only make my life more difficult.  I really wish I didn't work so many hours so that I could rest during the day.  Taking a little nap does me wonders but most days, at least during the week it is not an option.

So the other nasty side effect that is quite painful actually is the arthritis that has taken up residence in my legs.  Getting up in the morning they hurt so bad, I shuffle around like a 90 year old woman.  The more I get moving the better they feel but it never totally goes away.  I noticed about two weeks ago when we went hiking a little bit in the mountains that my legs are very unstable.  I almost fell numerous times.  I guess there are things I just can't do very well anymore.  I will continue "trying" to hike here and there but I am slow and very unsteady on my feet.

Then of course there are the sexual side effects which I detailed in my previous post that has changed the life of me and my husband forever.  Nobody ever told me about these and all the side effects when I first started chemo and maybe I am glad they didn't because I would have been hesitant to proceed with the treatments had I known and I am very thankful for chemotherapy treatment because as of now I am cancer free!  Of course these side effects don't affect everybody the same, I think I am the extreme case or maybe not, I really don't know.  All I know is sometimes it is very hard to maintain a positive attitude when I feel so bad all the time.  

I read something the other day that says after chemotherapy treatments you age 10 years.  I don't know if that is true because I feel like I have aged 20 years!!!  I have put on weight like most women do with menopause and I can't get it off and I am so over trying to get it off, I don't need added stress in my life.  I am eating healthy and exercising and that is all I can do.  I have arthritis and hot flashes.  I have bought a little hand held fan (instead of turning papers into fans) to keep in my purse so now I am fanning myself  just like all the little old ladies do.  I even have a little old lady hair cut to go along with it!!!!  So you are wondering about my hair?  Well it is still short!  I don't know what I was thinking but I thought that a year out I would have a cute little bob that would almost be touching my shoulders.  I guess I live in a fantasy land or something.  It seems each day is different for me as I style my hair because it is constantly growing and changing that I have to find new ways to style it.  It has been fun at times and frustrating at times.  I just can't wait until I get it all one length (even if it is short) and get my bangs grown out and off of my forehead so that when I have hot flashes and sweat they don't get wet!!!!  My hair is still pretty curly but I flat iron it every day but by the end of the day with the all the sweating I have, it usually curls back up.  Maybe when it gets longer I will like the curls but right now we fight each other A LOT!  So here it is below a current picture of myself.  I am so uncomfortable with the way I look and try to stay away from having pictures taken of myself and I am very nervous to post this picture for the world to see but here it is.

So I don't want this post to be so depressing so I do want to say that even with all of these side effects I really do enjoy life.  Sometimes it makes it harder to enjoy but I am happy to be alive.  I am happy to have more time with my family and to watch my daughter grow up.  I am looking forward to many more years with them.  I have a lot of plans this summer and as much as I love to travel I always have to have something in the works.  Just to have something to look forward keeps me going in a positive direction.  This next weekend my mom, daughter and I are taking a trip to Zion's national park, it will be so good for my soul to get out and enjoy nature.  I haven't been for some time but the place is amazing and honestly when I am at these beautiful places I really feel so close to God and Heaven and it brings me so much comfort!  Next we have a couple of camp trips planned for May and another camp trip to Moab in June which is another beautiful place that I haven't been to in almost 20 years.  I am so excited for Kaci to see these places because there isn't anything like them elsewhere in the world.  After Moab then we plan to put our trailer up at our lot in the mountains and camp every weekend until after Labor Day.  We are tentatively planning a little trip somewhere in October which may or may not happen.  Jeff is so close to finishing up his degree and probably won't be able to come, so if we do go it will just be the "girls" again.  I am so thankful that he is okay with us taking these little trips without him.  I just can't sit back and wait anymore, I feel a sense of urgency to experience as much in life as possible with those who are able to come along.  I know he is almost done with school and then he can come on all of these adventures too.  We are thinking of California.  We love Disneyland so we might just go there or we might go to San Diego or we might just save the money for a "big trip" after Jeff finishes school.  Traveling is what I enjoy most in life and where I make the most precious memories and life is about memories so rather than saving all my money in the bank or buying other things,  I chose to spend it on trips with my family and friends.   I am all about living in the moment because life really is short, why not enjoy it now.

So for now I will carry on and learn to accept the new me even if I am a little broken.  My husband tells me I am beautiful inside and out and one day I will believe it!  I am in the process of telling myself this everyday, numerous times a day in fact, all in front of the mirror and I will continue to do so.  I also pray a lot!  I find myself praying at different times during the day.  I find that when I am driving home from work that I turn off the radio and pray, everyday!  Maintaining such a close relationship to Heavenly Father is important for me and my well being.  While it may not work for everyone it works for me.

Until next time..........

4 month follow up

Today I had another 4 month follow up at my oncologists office.  I can't believe that  this Wednesday marks one year since I finished chemotherapy and that I am on a 4 month follow up schedule for a while.  I can't wait until I get further out and start on the 6 month schedule and then eventually to a follow up once a year.  I will try and get a new picture of my hair at one year post chemo.  I would have never believed that my hair would still be this short after a year.  I guess I had higher hopes for my hair at one year out.  It is growing and I am thankful for it but I am still not comfortable with where it is at. 

My feelings are still the same about that office.  I have such great anxiety leading up to the appointment and it takes all the strength and courage I have in me to make myself walk into that building.  It is nothing against any of the people as I love them all and they are such a great support to me even know.  It is just that all the memories come flooding back that I did have cancer and I will be forever changed because of it.  As I live each day I tend to forget about "cancer" and everything I went through and I like it that way.  I like to feel normal and I don't want people treating me any different because of what I went through and for the most part they don't. 

Today I saw a different doctor since my doctor was out.  At first I was put out that I wasn't going to see my regular doctor especially when they said to put on a gown because he likes to do an exam and I had a lot of personal things I wanted to discuss that I hadn't talked about before.  Jeff turned to me and asked if I would like to reschedule and at first I thought I might but that is not fair as I hadn't even met the guy yet.  When he came in and introduced himself I knew I was in good hands.  In fact he was one of the co-founders and is actually retired but has come back to fill in since another oncologist in the office had a stroke last year and is unable to practice any longer. 

He started with the exam and I told him about a new pain that I have on my side which also happens to be the side where the cancer was.  He felt all around and when he pinpointed the area he said that is a muscle and that I probably just pulled it.  He said that is not an area where cancer would likely come back to.  How I loved hearing those words as I have been so scared about what it might be.  I was told in the beginning that with any new aches or pains not to worry or stress about them until after 14 days.  Well this one has been going on for four weeks now but then Jeff remembered we moved a pretty big tree in our back yard about 4 weeks ago and then it dawned on me that this is probably where the pain is coming from.  The doctor told me not to worry about it for now as muscle strains can take some time to heal.  I relaxed completely upon hearing these words. 

After that I started asking my questions.  I am still having hot flashes like crazy and at first I felt like the Gabapentin was helping make them not so intense.  I have been getting about 1-1/2 to 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night which was better than waking about twice an hour prior to Gabapentin.  Maybe it is still helping take the intensity out of most of them but not enough for me, I want more relief!  The longer this goes on the more anxious they make me.  He suggested increasing the dosage by taking 300 mg in the morning and 600 mg at night, right now I have only been taking 600 mg at night.  He also suggested to try Effexor again along with the Gabapentin but first I am going to increase the Gabapentin and see what that does.  He said it is about the quality of life at this point and he can see that I am struggling.  He said to try this and if it isn't helping to call them because they can increase the dosage further on both of these drugs and keep trying until I get some relief.  I loved that he cared so much about me and told me not to give up and not to wait until my next four month appointment if it isn't helping.  Jeff also asked about the cold flashes which happen every bit as frequently as the hot flashes and he said that it is completely normal for someone like me.  It is something I have to deal with for who knows how long.  He also said I could try Tylenol PM to see if that would help me get some rest but for now I am going to try to increase the Gabapentin and see if that helps me and if it doesn't then I will add the Effexor and then add the Tylenol PM if needed.  I don't want to add everything at once because I want to see if some of these on their own will help me without adding other drugs to the mix.  This is going to be so hard on me because I am not one that likes taking drugs at all.  Tamoxifen is a given and will be a part of my life for a little over 9 more years (yes, I am counting down).  I am to the point now that I am going to give in and try these prescription drugs and have hope that I will get some relief. 

After that I asked my more personal questions and I am just going to put it out here on my  blog for the first time ever and not be embarrassed by it any longer.  I asked him about the vaginal dryness, no sex drive what so ever and pain with intercourse which are all horrible side effects of not only menopause but also the side effects of Tamoxifen (hormone blocker).  At this point I started to cry because it is so hard for me to talk about.  I am still young enough and so is Jeff and I feel like this is so unfair.  The doctor was so nice as he talked to both of us about this.  He said it is hard especially for someone as young as me and it is a large part of our lives.  He said that he would okay an estrogen cream to help the dryness which might also help with the pain of intercourse but unfortunately it won't help my lack of drive.  He said the only thing that can help me feel like a whole woman again would be estrogen and I cannot have that due to my high risk of re-occurrence.  He said I need to call my OB/GYN and get the cream but make sure that it is the lowest concentrated dose possible.  He said my body would absorb some of the estrogen but the Tamoxifen will take care of that but in turn I will get some relief down there.  I am going to think about this cream for now as it seems so scary to me to request something with estrogen in it.  I go back to my OB/GYN at the first of May so I think I will discuss it with her at that time. 

I love that my oncologists office can run the complete blood panel right in their office with no waiting.  All of my numbers looked great which was added relief for me.  They are however, this time sending some of it out for additional testing for liver enzymes and a few others and we will get those results in a few days.  Jeff and I aren't expecting them to be "bad" though.  Everything else with my blood counts was completely normal so we have no reason to believe that these other tests will show anything different.

As far as my diet and exercise goes.  I am still following the "My Plate" guide that my dietician suggested for me with the exception of a few cheats during the weekends (life is short so you have got to enjoy it once in a while).  I also strive to walk 30 minutes a day either on my treadmill or outside as it really does help the arthritis in my legs.  I am still at the same weight as I was when I finished chemo.  I am so over trying to lose weight.  I don't need the added stress in my life.  I want to enjoy each day and as long as I am striving to eat healthy and exercise then that is all I can ask for.  Being in menopause plus being on the hormone blockers is a disaster for trying to lose weight.  It almost always never happens.  As women our hormones control just about everything in our bodies and metabolism is another one it controls and I have zero hormones running through my body.  I am trying to tell myself each and every day that I am beautiful no matter what.  All the scars across my chest, my lack of breasts, my being over weight and my short haircut that I am still not comfortable with are all a part of my journey and I need to embrace them.   Self help talk can go along way.  

I am so thankful for a kind and caring husband that goes with me to these appointments so that I do not have to go alone.  I am also thankful for his understanding with the "new" me.  I do not have the quality of life I once had and I know it is extremely hard on both of us.  It messes with me emotionally so much, I have so much guilt that goes along with it even though it is not something I asked for or brought on myself.

Redecorating the house

At the end of last year we were trying to decide if we should start finishing the basement now that I was finished with treatment or redecorate the house that was bothering me so much.  We had planned on finishing the basement in January 2015 but I was going through chemo and money was tight paying for all of my medical bills.  Finishing the basement would take a lot of money and I am nervous to spend that kind of money right now because you never know what can happen.  I also knew how bad the interior of my house reminded me of cancer and also the memories of my beloved dogs who had just passed away.  I seriously wanted to move if I couldn't make a change.  In talking to other people who have gone through what I have, some of them did decide to move.  I thought it would be cheaper to redecorate and I just don't have it in me for all the work it takes to move, let alone Kaci is in a school she loves with friends that live nearby.  I didn't feel it was fair to her to move right now.

As I have mentioned before, last February I redecorated our bedroom because I just couldn't stand it anymore.  I had spent countless days/hours/months in there and the sight of it made me sick to my stomach.  With the mounting medical bills that is the only room I could afford to do at that moment and I felt that was the most important since I knew I would be spending another couple of months in bed.  It made me feel better at the time and I just learned to look past the rest of the house.

So right after Christmas I started hitting the stores to get ideas.  My main goal was to get rid of all the red in my house since that color was spread throughout every room except my bedroom and bathroom.  I started with changing out a few decorations but the house still looked the same to me.  Then we started looking at carpet and decided to re-carpet the house.  When we built the house the cheapest carpet was put in and it didn't wear well at all.  The carpet was in terrible shape and since Jake (my dog) had just passed away and with all of his "accidents" over the years and towards the end of his life the drooling blood, it was time.  In fact we always said when Jakey Boy goes we are going to get new carpet (sorry buddy but its true).  We spent hours cleaning out each room as we moved the furniture in preparation.  Re-carpeting is the next best thing to moving!  We had collected so much in the last 4-1/2 years since we moved in and it was a great time to get rid of some things.  After the house was re-carpeted with lovely thick padding and plush carpet it is like walking on clouds.  I have never had this nice of carpet before and this didn't disappoint.  It was worth spending a little more money and getting exactly what we wanted.  It looked beautiful and then we put our old furniture back in the family room and I hated it.  It looked like we had such a nice house now but with old, semi-outdated furniture.  Last fall we had been eying some furniture for our family room but decided to wait until we got the basement done.  Well, since we didn't do the basement and was working on the main level of the house we decided to get the furniture as well.  Thank goodness for our excellent credit and 18/24 months no interest.  After the carpet and furniture was in I took down the rest of the "red decor".  I have bought a few things like new rugs, towels for the kitchen and a few decorations for the cabinets.  I haven't finished it yet but have decided to take a break.  I got so overwhelmed and ended up buying and returning numerous items that I felt just didn't fit.  I am going to take it easy for a while and if/when I see something I will know.  In the meantime my house looks great and the "old memories" of the year that I went through surgery, chemo and radiation and the loss of my dogs are long gone.  I haven't forgotten them completely as they will always be a part of me,  but the change in my house is exactly what I needed and for the most part what my family needed.

It is nice to have our main living area just how I want it.  It is so fresh and new and makes me happy looking at it.  My house is my new fresh start and I love it.  Here is to making a lot of good memories with my family in our home that we have put so much work and love in to. 

A new friend for both me and Kaci

Something great happened this past weekend.  My daughter has met a new friend at school and played over at her house for the first time on Saturday.  When I picked her up she said that this friends mom went through breast cancer too.  Well these two cute girls thought it would be a good idea to get us together for a girls day out.  So on Monday they had us meet at the mall so that we could take them to Quilted Bear to get Beanie Boo's and then to Pretzel Maker for snacks and smoothies and then to the movie.  They thought it would be nice for us to have time to talk about our experiences.  I can't even describe how powerful it is to have someone physically standing by my side and knowing exactly what I go through on a daily basis.  While I don't wish this experience on anybody it is nice to have a friend who has gone through the same thing so that I don't feel so alone in this world.

You cannot ever truly understand the physical limitations as well as the emotional effect that breast cancer has on a person until you have gone through it yourself.  For instance we went bowling on Sunday for Valentine's Day.  I didn't think anything of it but it was so hard for me to move that arm and it was actually a little painful, my skin is still so tight on the right side where I had radiation.  I decided to just let Kaci take over my turn which she was excited about.  I still enjoyed myself but I had no idea that something as simple as bowling would be so hard.  Then of course I worry about lymphedema, I was told not to carry grocery bags, my purse or anything heavy on that side and here I was throwing a 10lb bowling ball. 

 I have a lot of new friends since my diagnosis who have gone through the same things I have but unfortunately I have not met them in person.  We are friends in the blogging world as well as Facebook and some I have talked to on the phone.  I am grateful for each and every one of them as they have all helped me in some way.  I can't imagine my life without them and at any time I know I can message them, call them, write on their blogs etc. and they will be there for me.  There are so many amazing people out there.  I will also be there for anybody and everybody at any time.  I feel it is my duty to pay it forward.  I hope that all of you reading this blog all over the world knows that if I can be of help in any way please just ask me.  

I know my new friend Shauna and I will continue to be good friends.  I also think it is so good for Kaci to have a friend who she can relate to as well.  I believe there is a reason that this family moved into our area.  It is amazing how much other people can give and provide strength to someone else.  We all need to remember that everybody has trials, some might seem big and others quite small but we cannot judge how that person is reacting to them.  To them it might be big.  We need to continue to be there for our neighbors, friends, family and strangers.  We need to listen to them and be there for them no matter what.  Nothing is more important than serving.   Even if you just smile and say hi to a stranger you might make their entire day.