One year post chemo

Today marks one year since I finished chemotherapy.  I can't believe it has been a year already.  Time sure flies when you are having fun!

So here I am not in active treatment anymore.  I have my life back!  However, the anticipation of the appointments at my oncologist office every four months gives me great anxiety as I mentioned in my previous post.  I am glad my appointments are every four months now because until about the week before the actual appointment I don't even think about it.

Things are definitely different than before cancer.  The treatments have left me with side effects that will last a lifetime.  Life changing side effects at that.  Everybody always asks me how I am feeling and I usually reply "pretty good" I know they don't have an hour to spare while I explain how I really feel.  So how do I really feel?  I feel like crap most of the time.  My biggest complaint is the hot flashes.  They are seriously so debilitating and embarrassing.  Try talking to someone in the middle of winter and breaking out in a sweat that makes your hair wet and sweat dripping down your forehead and neck.  It plain out sucks and just wait until after the hot flash is gone and you are shaking because you are so cold.  It is a never ending battle with me and I am rarely at a good temperature, I still can't believe that estrogen controls every aspect of our bodies as a woman.  As I said in my previous post I am increasing my dosage of Gabapentin to hopefully help the hot flashes but I am only on day two of the increase so I haven't noticed anything different.  I am waiting for about a week to see if I am getting any relief and if I am not then I will add Effexor to the mix but I am hopeful that I will get some more relief by taking these medications.   I do worry though because I remember when I was on Effexor before that it leaves me a bit tired and dizzy and not feeling like myself, plus they have sexual side effects too as if I don't have enough of that already (actually this was why I quit Effexor before but now that menopause and the hormone blocker have left me with these side effects by adding Effexor back I probably won't even notice anything).   I only hope that the tiredness and dizziness isn't too bad because I do work full-time and I am a mom, plus my husband is in school so I have taken on all the household chores while he concentrates on his studies.  I have so many responsibilities so these side effects only make my life more difficult.  I really wish I didn't work so many hours so that I could rest during the day.  Taking a little nap does me wonders but most days, at least during the week it is not an option.

So the other nasty side effect that is quite painful actually is the arthritis that has taken up residence in my legs.  Getting up in the morning they hurt so bad, I shuffle around like a 90 year old woman.  The more I get moving the better they feel but it never totally goes away.  I noticed about two weeks ago when we went hiking a little bit in the mountains that my legs are very unstable.  I almost fell numerous times.  I guess there are things I just can't do very well anymore.  I will continue "trying" to hike here and there but I am slow and very unsteady on my feet.

Then of course there are the sexual side effects which I detailed in my previous post that has changed the life of me and my husband forever.  Nobody ever told me about these and all the side effects when I first started chemo and maybe I am glad they didn't because I would have been hesitant to proceed with the treatments had I known and I am very thankful for chemotherapy treatment because as of now I am cancer free!  Of course these side effects don't affect everybody the same, I think I am the extreme case or maybe not, I really don't know.  All I know is sometimes it is very hard to maintain a positive attitude when I feel so bad all the time.  

I read something the other day that says after chemotherapy treatments you age 10 years.  I don't know if that is true because I feel like I have aged 20 years!!!  I have put on weight like most women do with menopause and I can't get it off and I am so over trying to get it off, I don't need added stress in my life.  I am eating healthy and exercising and that is all I can do.  I have arthritis and hot flashes.  I have bought a little hand held fan (instead of turning papers into fans) to keep in my purse so now I am fanning myself  just like all the little old ladies do.  I even have a little old lady hair cut to go along with it!!!!  So you are wondering about my hair?  Well it is still short!  I don't know what I was thinking but I thought that a year out I would have a cute little bob that would almost be touching my shoulders.  I guess I live in a fantasy land or something.  It seems each day is different for me as I style my hair because it is constantly growing and changing that I have to find new ways to style it.  It has been fun at times and frustrating at times.  I just can't wait until I get it all one length (even if it is short) and get my bangs grown out and off of my forehead so that when I have hot flashes and sweat they don't get wet!!!!  My hair is still pretty curly but I flat iron it every day but by the end of the day with the all the sweating I have, it usually curls back up.  Maybe when it gets longer I will like the curls but right now we fight each other A LOT!  So here it is below a current picture of myself.  I am so uncomfortable with the way I look and try to stay away from having pictures taken of myself and I am very nervous to post this picture for the world to see but here it is.

So I don't want this post to be so depressing so I do want to say that even with all of these side effects I really do enjoy life.  Sometimes it makes it harder to enjoy but I am happy to be alive.  I am happy to have more time with my family and to watch my daughter grow up.  I am looking forward to many more years with them.  I have a lot of plans this summer and as much as I love to travel I always have to have something in the works.  Just to have something to look forward keeps me going in a positive direction.  This next weekend my mom, daughter and I are taking a trip to Zion's national park, it will be so good for my soul to get out and enjoy nature.  I haven't been for some time but the place is amazing and honestly when I am at these beautiful places I really feel so close to God and Heaven and it brings me so much comfort!  Next we have a couple of camp trips planned for May and another camp trip to Moab in June which is another beautiful place that I haven't been to in almost 20 years.  I am so excited for Kaci to see these places because there isn't anything like them elsewhere in the world.  After Moab then we plan to put our trailer up at our lot in the mountains and camp every weekend until after Labor Day.  We are tentatively planning a little trip somewhere in October which may or may not happen.  Jeff is so close to finishing up his degree and probably won't be able to come, so if we do go it will just be the "girls" again.  I am so thankful that he is okay with us taking these little trips without him.  I just can't sit back and wait anymore, I feel a sense of urgency to experience as much in life as possible with those who are able to come along.  I know he is almost done with school and then he can come on all of these adventures too.  We are thinking of California.  We love Disneyland so we might just go there or we might go to San Diego or we might just save the money for a "big trip" after Jeff finishes school.  Traveling is what I enjoy most in life and where I make the most precious memories and life is about memories so rather than saving all my money in the bank or buying other things,  I chose to spend it on trips with my family and friends.   I am all about living in the moment because life really is short, why not enjoy it now.

So for now I will carry on and learn to accept the new me even if I am a little broken.  My husband tells me I am beautiful inside and out and one day I will believe it!  I am in the process of telling myself this everyday, numerous times a day in fact, all in front of the mirror and I will continue to do so.  I also pray a lot!  I find myself praying at different times during the day.  I find that when I am driving home from work that I turn off the radio and pray, everyday!  Maintaining such a close relationship to Heavenly Father is important for me and my well being.  While it may not work for everyone it works for me.

Until next time..........