Last week I met with a new OB/GYN. She came highly recommended and because of that I had to wait 2 months to get into see her. When I got there I had to wait 2-1/2 hours after my appointment to see her as she was behind. I was getting a little fidgety towards the end but kept calm and read magazines while I waited. I was hoping she was worth the wait!
My blood pressure looked great and they took me to the room for an exam. After the exam she said that she would do the vaginal ultrasound as well to look at my ovaries and uterine lining (remember Tamoxifen can cause uterine cancer and it is very important that they check the uterine lining). Also breast and ovarian cancer are very closely related. I was so glad that she could do that right there in the office and I wouldn't have to schedule another appointment. Last year right before I started chemo I had my annual exam and then had to have another appointment for the ultrasound.
Knowing that she was so far behind I didn't feel like she was rushing me at all. She talked to me about everything that went on this last year through and through. What a kind and caring soul she was. She decided before she has me try anything different for my menopause symptoms she wanted to run a full blood panel and check everything to see if it is all still working after chemo.
After we were done she walked me to the lab to have my blood drawn and she asked me if she could give me a hug, I of course said yes. I love hugs and I love it when I know people really do care about me and all that I have been through. She gave me the longest hug and said how much she admired my bravery for everything I went through. She also said that she wants to see me every 6 months rather than once a year. She reassured me that she is going to take very good care of me. How did I get so lucky and score another great doctor to be part of my team? I guess I do have good luck sometimes.
I got the results of my blood work back this week and of course my cholesterol is still super high. And my Vitamin D levels are really low even though I have been taking a supplement for over 6 months. Apparently when you are in menopause you need more Vitamin D that what is on the label. I was told to increase to 10,000 ui per day and she also started me on some other holistic supplements to see if that will lower my cholesterol. She didn't want to start me on a Statin right now with the other drugs that I am taking. I have also started Gabapentin to see if that will help my hot flashes. So far I am a week into it and I haven't noticed a change. I am not giving up hope just yet, I want to give it at least a month. She also recommended a low carb diet to help me lose some of the weight I have gained during my treatment. I have been exercising faithfully for over 4 months and trying to watch what I eat but I cannot lose a pound. She said a low carb diet should help me lose some weight especially since it is harder to lose weight after menopause, it is crazy to me that our hormones control so much of our bodies. While it is going to be very hard for me because I love pasta, potatoes and rice so much, I will give it a try. I am hoping for good results. I go back to see her in February for a followup and I am hoping I can be 10-15 pounds lighter and to see if these herbal remedies are helping my cholesterol situation and also if the increased Vitamin D has helped my levels. Vitamin D is very important to help my bones. Now that I am in menopause at such a young age my bone loss will be sped up by quite a few years and if I am going to live a long time I want my bones to be as healthy as possible.
I am so unhappy with my appearance lately and I think that the further away I get from treatment the harder it gets for me to look in the mirror. Sometimes I wonder if it is because I feel more "normal" now and I feel like I should look like I did before cancer or what. Anyway it is a hard internal battle right now. I need to remind myself that what is on the outside doesn't matter as much as what is on the inside.
I still have brain fog from the chemo treatments that make me forget things rather easily. I also tend to make a lot of mistakes at work. It is really frustrating to me but honestly there isn't anything I can do about it. I also get overwhelmed really easy especially with Kaci. She has so much energy and sometimes I just shut down. It is all I can do and I feel so bad that I can't be there 100% for her. I am hoping with time that this will go away but from what I hear it is usually permanent. The chemo drugs are very strong and do kill brain cells while they are killing cancer and some of them just do not grow back. I like to try and keep my life simple and worry free but there are times in life that just don't happen that way.
I am looking forward to the Christmas season. There really is a feeling
in the air that is not there any other time of year. My shopping is
done and this was the first year ever that I did not stress about it.
Things really don't get to me the way they used to. I am a lot less
stressed out about everything these days which is good but sometimes I
should worry or stress more about things than I do.
My next doctors appointment is next week with my surgeon. She will do a thorough exam on my chest wall to make sure that I don't have anything growing back. She is a great and wonderful doctor herself who always gives me a hug when I leave. I have never encountered doctors quite like these. I am seriously so thankful for each and every one of them that truly care about me.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Monday, November 30, 2015
Thankful
As this month comes to a close I want everybody to know how thankful I am. I am thankful for feeling so good lately. I am thankful that I am where I am today and not where I was last year at this time. I am thankful for great family and friends that helped me so much this past year especially my dear kind neighbors who delivered countless meals to us. I know it was not easy for them as they had their own families to take care of.
Thanksgiving was wonderful. We made the dinner at our house and even with the power going out numerous times and taking the turkey to my mom's house to cook it all turned out just fine. We just kept laughing about it because it was crazy. It seriously would go off for less than a minute and then turn back on. Each time it went off we had to turn the oven back on. After about the 15th time we gave up and that is when we took the turkey to my mom's. Our family all came over and helped with the last minute preparations and dinner turned out wonderful. After dinner we hit Wal-Mart. Thanksgiving is not complete without Black Friday shopping at Wal-Mart. I was a little disappointed though, it was not nearly as crazy as it has been in the past. I guess it was good that it was so organized this year because nobody got hurt. We got what we went for and then went over to Kohl's for a few minutes. After Kohl's we were ready to go home. I didn't have anything else that I needed and I wasn't about to spend unnecessary money.
My Jakey Boy (yellow lab) is not going to be around much longer and that made Thanksgiving a little hard for me emotionally. I was so looking forward to the holiday's this year after what I went through last year but with Abby leaving us on Halloween, then taking Jake to the vet the Tuesday before Thanksgiving also thinking that he must have some teeth that are giving him problems, they found a huge cancerous tumor in his mouth. I was told it is one of three kinds of oral cancer and they are very aggressive. The vet said that this will end his life. He sent us home with a strong pain killer and prepared us for what is to come. I am hoping to be able to keep him through Christmas as Christmas is his favorite holiday. He seriously likes to unwrap presents, I cannot put any presents under my tree or he will get them and tear them to shreds. I do know that even if he is around on Christmas that it won't be the same, his mouth is sore and I doubt he will play with his new tennis balls we got him let alone help all of us unwrap our presents. Jake and Abby were my first kids, we got them both after we got married and they have always been a part of our family. I miss Abby so much and now knowing that Jake will be going soon it is too much to bear. I am a wreck emotionally. I think this waiting and wondering when it is "time" is the hardest part. I am hoping he will pass on his own but likely it is a decision that we will have to make for him. He wasn't doing very good on Thanksgiving and I really thought we were going to have to do it on Friday or Saturday but those "magic" pain pills have really given him that sparkle back in his eyes. I know he is still in pain, how could you not be with a half a golf ball size tumor under your tongue? But he does appear to be much more comfortable and happier. I know his quality of life is about gone but for now we are spoiling him with table food and soft canned dog food. I really can't bear giving him the hard food because it has to hurt him.
Anyway, I still have so much to be thankful for and I am most thankful for getting Jake and Abby all of these years and having them by my side this past year as I went through everything. I do know and understand that at 13 years old (almost 14years old) that it is clearly the end of their lives. I am comforted by the fact that I know they will be in a good place and be happy and free from all their earthly pain.
Thanksgiving was wonderful. We made the dinner at our house and even with the power going out numerous times and taking the turkey to my mom's house to cook it all turned out just fine. We just kept laughing about it because it was crazy. It seriously would go off for less than a minute and then turn back on. Each time it went off we had to turn the oven back on. After about the 15th time we gave up and that is when we took the turkey to my mom's. Our family all came over and helped with the last minute preparations and dinner turned out wonderful. After dinner we hit Wal-Mart. Thanksgiving is not complete without Black Friday shopping at Wal-Mart. I was a little disappointed though, it was not nearly as crazy as it has been in the past. I guess it was good that it was so organized this year because nobody got hurt. We got what we went for and then went over to Kohl's for a few minutes. After Kohl's we were ready to go home. I didn't have anything else that I needed and I wasn't about to spend unnecessary money.
My Jakey Boy (yellow lab) is not going to be around much longer and that made Thanksgiving a little hard for me emotionally. I was so looking forward to the holiday's this year after what I went through last year but with Abby leaving us on Halloween, then taking Jake to the vet the Tuesday before Thanksgiving also thinking that he must have some teeth that are giving him problems, they found a huge cancerous tumor in his mouth. I was told it is one of three kinds of oral cancer and they are very aggressive. The vet said that this will end his life. He sent us home with a strong pain killer and prepared us for what is to come. I am hoping to be able to keep him through Christmas as Christmas is his favorite holiday. He seriously likes to unwrap presents, I cannot put any presents under my tree or he will get them and tear them to shreds. I do know that even if he is around on Christmas that it won't be the same, his mouth is sore and I doubt he will play with his new tennis balls we got him let alone help all of us unwrap our presents. Jake and Abby were my first kids, we got them both after we got married and they have always been a part of our family. I miss Abby so much and now knowing that Jake will be going soon it is too much to bear. I am a wreck emotionally. I think this waiting and wondering when it is "time" is the hardest part. I am hoping he will pass on his own but likely it is a decision that we will have to make for him. He wasn't doing very good on Thanksgiving and I really thought we were going to have to do it on Friday or Saturday but those "magic" pain pills have really given him that sparkle back in his eyes. I know he is still in pain, how could you not be with a half a golf ball size tumor under your tongue? But he does appear to be much more comfortable and happier. I know his quality of life is about gone but for now we are spoiling him with table food and soft canned dog food. I really can't bear giving him the hard food because it has to hurt him.
Anyway, I still have so much to be thankful for and I am most thankful for getting Jake and Abby all of these years and having them by my side this past year as I went through everything. I do know and understand that at 13 years old (almost 14years old) that it is clearly the end of their lives. I am comforted by the fact that I know they will be in a good place and be happy and free from all their earthly pain.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Another 3 month check up
Today I had another 3 month check up with my oncologist. I really didn't have any anxiety leading up to the appointment but I did have anxiety right before it. I had to talk to myself many times to settle down. I wasn't anxious about the appointment itself, I was anxious to step foot into the office. I honestly feel like my diagnosis and treatments were forever ago, in another life even. So when I have to go back to that office for an appointment it is almost like a slap in the face. Reality sets in that this really did happen and I am forever changed by it. Jeff met me in the parking lot and we walked in together. I held my head high and opened the door and walked right in to the reception desk and checked in myself. Normally, I had Jeff do it for me just because I had such a hard time mentally doing it myself. I am so thankful for my husband and all the support he continues to give me.
I got called back shortly after we checked in and my blood was drawn from my one good arm, except I didn't drink a thing before my appointment so it was difficult and slow to get enough blood for the tests. I stepped on the scale and have even lost a few pounds since my last appointment in August. I wish I could lose more but I have many other things to focus on rather than fighting with my weight. Of course menopause makes it darn near impossible to lose it anyway and life is short so I chose to focus on other things that bring me happiness. My appearance isn't everything and while I do look a lot different these days with my weight and my short curly old lady hairstyle, I continue to be happy. I am happy to be healthy and alive and do all the fun things I like to do.
Next we met with my doctor and he said my blood test results look great. I told him I have been feeling great. I still have some pain in my legs but walking on the treadmill 3-5 times a week seems to be helping them. I also mentioned some pain in the chest area but I think it is from the radiation, scar tissue etc. and he agreed. He said as long as I didn't feel any lumps or bumps I should be okay. I still have hot flashes like crazy and so we discussed the anti-seizure medication Gabapentin because I absolutely refuse to take any anti-anxiety medication for hot flashes, I do not like their side effects or the way your body becomes dependent on them . He pulled up a study of women who were experiencing hot flashes who were on this medication and also a placebo and studies show that this medication really helped cool quite a few of the women's hot flashes. I think I am going to give it a try. He called in the prescription for me but I am not going to take it just yet. I have an appointment on December 3rd with another doctor who specializes in helping women through menopause without the use of hormone therapy. I really want to see what she has to say before I start something new. The big side effects of this drug are sleepiness and possible swelling in the ankles and feet. He said it is such a low dose that I shouldn't experience too many side effects. He said to take it at night before bed and hopefully I will get better sleep due to the drug making you sleepy and the hot flashes will diminish a bit. I am still up 4-6 times a night with hot flashes and with every hot flash I have, I need to go to the bathroom. What I wouldn't give for a good nights sleep!!!!!
Next he said he is going to test my estrogen levels because my cycle has yet to return. The results this time won't mean anything but when I go back for my next followup he will test them again and see if there is any progress and hopefully determine if I am in permanent premature menopause due to chemotherapy treatments or if maybe it is just taking a while for my system to wake up. He said that most women who have a menstrual cycle before starting chemotherapy continue to have them after the treatment concludes. He even said the chemotherapy drugs he gave me don't generally cause a women to go into menopause. Either way I don't care because the hormone blockers I have to take for 10 years or longer will keep me in a state of menopause anyway, however the hot flashes wouldn't be so frequent and intense should my cycle return. I told him that I questioned chemotherapy because of what it has done to me, it really has diminished my quality of life. Until you experience these frequent (at least 1 an hour all day and night long) hot flashes along with heart racing, sweating, and an over all anxious feeling you wouldn't understand. There are even some that I have to sit or lie down, they literally knock me off of my feet. He then gave me the pep talk. He said that I am alive and well and I am able to continue seeing my daughter grow up and get to enjoy life experiences and of course I could not deny that!!! He then said that this won't go on forever, that over time they will start to diminish and hopefully go away all together. He said when I am 55 I should not be having any of these and I made the remark that some of my friends might be starting them and I will be all finished with them and he said yip! So I said that is good news and I guess I am just getting them over with early other than mine are more intense than if you go through menopause naturally but it is what it is. He said the only thing that would help me is hormone therapy and I asked him what if I wanted that, if I cannot handle these any more would he give it to me. He said he would not. I have such a high risk breast cancer that there is no way he would ever prescribe that to me and I said what if I found another doctor to give it to me then he said I couldn't be his patient any longer. We were laughing a little bit because I was half joking and half serious and I turned to him and said you love me that much? He said of course he does and he wants to see me alive and well. I totally understand and I won't even keep that thought of hormone therapy in my head any longer. I will remove it and just know that this is not an option for me, mainly because I don't want to find another oncologist, ha, ha. I love my doctor so much!!!
Anyway enough complaining about hot flashes and weight gain and all the other crappy things that come along with menopause. This was a great appointment and I received another clean bill of health.
One last note I graduated to 4 month follow up appointments now!!!!! Jeff was so cute when the doctor said that, he said "congratulations babe you made it". My next follow up isn't until March of 2016. Then Jeff and I went out to lunch to celebrate and then back to work for the day.
Update: I received my lab results back on the hormone levels. My estridol level is 8.1 PG/ML and FSH level is 53.9 MIU/ML. I have not talked with my doctor but when I searched online because that is what I do, these levels are consistent with menopause and the chances of having my ovaries wake up is pretty much a no go. We will test them again in 4 months when I go back to see if there are any changes.
I got called back shortly after we checked in and my blood was drawn from my one good arm, except I didn't drink a thing before my appointment so it was difficult and slow to get enough blood for the tests. I stepped on the scale and have even lost a few pounds since my last appointment in August. I wish I could lose more but I have many other things to focus on rather than fighting with my weight. Of course menopause makes it darn near impossible to lose it anyway and life is short so I chose to focus on other things that bring me happiness. My appearance isn't everything and while I do look a lot different these days with my weight and my short curly old lady hairstyle, I continue to be happy. I am happy to be healthy and alive and do all the fun things I like to do.
Next we met with my doctor and he said my blood test results look great. I told him I have been feeling great. I still have some pain in my legs but walking on the treadmill 3-5 times a week seems to be helping them. I also mentioned some pain in the chest area but I think it is from the radiation, scar tissue etc. and he agreed. He said as long as I didn't feel any lumps or bumps I should be okay. I still have hot flashes like crazy and so we discussed the anti-seizure medication Gabapentin because I absolutely refuse to take any anti-anxiety medication for hot flashes, I do not like their side effects or the way your body becomes dependent on them . He pulled up a study of women who were experiencing hot flashes who were on this medication and also a placebo and studies show that this medication really helped cool quite a few of the women's hot flashes. I think I am going to give it a try. He called in the prescription for me but I am not going to take it just yet. I have an appointment on December 3rd with another doctor who specializes in helping women through menopause without the use of hormone therapy. I really want to see what she has to say before I start something new. The big side effects of this drug are sleepiness and possible swelling in the ankles and feet. He said it is such a low dose that I shouldn't experience too many side effects. He said to take it at night before bed and hopefully I will get better sleep due to the drug making you sleepy and the hot flashes will diminish a bit. I am still up 4-6 times a night with hot flashes and with every hot flash I have, I need to go to the bathroom. What I wouldn't give for a good nights sleep!!!!!
Next he said he is going to test my estrogen levels because my cycle has yet to return. The results this time won't mean anything but when I go back for my next followup he will test them again and see if there is any progress and hopefully determine if I am in permanent premature menopause due to chemotherapy treatments or if maybe it is just taking a while for my system to wake up. He said that most women who have a menstrual cycle before starting chemotherapy continue to have them after the treatment concludes. He even said the chemotherapy drugs he gave me don't generally cause a women to go into menopause. Either way I don't care because the hormone blockers I have to take for 10 years or longer will keep me in a state of menopause anyway, however the hot flashes wouldn't be so frequent and intense should my cycle return. I told him that I questioned chemotherapy because of what it has done to me, it really has diminished my quality of life. Until you experience these frequent (at least 1 an hour all day and night long) hot flashes along with heart racing, sweating, and an over all anxious feeling you wouldn't understand. There are even some that I have to sit or lie down, they literally knock me off of my feet. He then gave me the pep talk. He said that I am alive and well and I am able to continue seeing my daughter grow up and get to enjoy life experiences and of course I could not deny that!!! He then said that this won't go on forever, that over time they will start to diminish and hopefully go away all together. He said when I am 55 I should not be having any of these and I made the remark that some of my friends might be starting them and I will be all finished with them and he said yip! So I said that is good news and I guess I am just getting them over with early other than mine are more intense than if you go through menopause naturally but it is what it is. He said the only thing that would help me is hormone therapy and I asked him what if I wanted that, if I cannot handle these any more would he give it to me. He said he would not. I have such a high risk breast cancer that there is no way he would ever prescribe that to me and I said what if I found another doctor to give it to me then he said I couldn't be his patient any longer. We were laughing a little bit because I was half joking and half serious and I turned to him and said you love me that much? He said of course he does and he wants to see me alive and well. I totally understand and I won't even keep that thought of hormone therapy in my head any longer. I will remove it and just know that this is not an option for me, mainly because I don't want to find another oncologist, ha, ha. I love my doctor so much!!!
Anyway enough complaining about hot flashes and weight gain and all the other crappy things that come along with menopause. This was a great appointment and I received another clean bill of health.
One last note I graduated to 4 month follow up appointments now!!!!! Jeff was so cute when the doctor said that, he said "congratulations babe you made it". My next follow up isn't until March of 2016. Then Jeff and I went out to lunch to celebrate and then back to work for the day.
Update: I received my lab results back on the hormone levels. My estridol level is 8.1 PG/ML and FSH level is 53.9 MIU/ML. I have not talked with my doctor but when I searched online because that is what I do, these levels are consistent with menopause and the chances of having my ovaries wake up is pretty much a no go. We will test them again in 4 months when I go back to see if there are any changes.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
One year since diagnosis
Today, November 3rd, 2015 marks one year since I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. I was anticipating this day and how I would feel. Honestly I feel like it was ages ago that I had cancer and finished my treatments. I suppose that is a good thing. I also have a lot of other things that are currently happening that are on my mind instead of cancer. I am still missing my Abby girl like crazy. The routines we had with her are still fresh in my mind and I even find myself starting to grab her dish to feed her and looking for her to let her outside. Then my Kaci girl is sick with strep throat again, this is the 2nd time in 2 months. She seems to get strep and ear infections quite often. Because of her allergic reaction to 2 different classes of antibiotics they suggested we look at getting her tonsils out. I have made an appointment with an ear, nose and throat doctor and I am hoping we can do the surgery after Christmas when I am off of work and she is off of school. On top of all of this my credit card was compromised last Friday so I don't have access to my account. I should get everything a little later this week and then I need to go through the process to set up my bills with the new card number. It is such a pain!
So here I am on this super windy, rainy day. I am just going through the normal routines of my day. I am thankful for where I am at today. I feel really good emotionally even though I do have my moments when I get scared because I do not know what my future holds. I am ready to make vacation plans for next year but I get nervous to do so because that is so far out. I think I do better to make vacation plans after my 3 month doctor appointments when I get the all clear. I am trying my best to look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. These two holidays are very hard for me because of last year. I had my double mastectomy surgery a week before Thanksgiving so I had to have my family all pitch in and help out on Thanksgiving. I had them buy and bring things as well as help out with the last minute details in the kitchen. While they didn't mind it hurt me to know that I could not buy all the groceries and do it all myself. This year I will buy and do it all myself. I like to give them a day off. After all the years growing up they did so much on the holiday's to make it special for us, now it is our turn. I am looking forward to going black Friday shopping on Thanksgiving night this year. I know I am crazy but it is something I really love to do. Last year I was able to go to Walmart and that was it. I was totally wiped out. I am also looking forward to not having to put up my Christmas tree a week and a half before Thanksgiving like I did last year. I plan on enjoying Thanksgiving and then put up my Christmas decorations the next day. I am not as excited about Christmas as I used to be, at least the commercial part of it. Having cancer and starting chemo treatments in December have stolen some of that from me. I haven't really even started Christmas shopping and usually by now I have most of it done. I really need to enjoy the holiday's with my family this year and get out of my funk. I seriously don't know how many more we will all have together. Life changes fast and with God in control we really don't know what will happen.
So for today, I will try and make it as good as possible and not think about what happened last year. I look forward to many more good years being cancer free!
So here I am on this super windy, rainy day. I am just going through the normal routines of my day. I am thankful for where I am at today. I feel really good emotionally even though I do have my moments when I get scared because I do not know what my future holds. I am ready to make vacation plans for next year but I get nervous to do so because that is so far out. I think I do better to make vacation plans after my 3 month doctor appointments when I get the all clear. I am trying my best to look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. These two holidays are very hard for me because of last year. I had my double mastectomy surgery a week before Thanksgiving so I had to have my family all pitch in and help out on Thanksgiving. I had them buy and bring things as well as help out with the last minute details in the kitchen. While they didn't mind it hurt me to know that I could not buy all the groceries and do it all myself. This year I will buy and do it all myself. I like to give them a day off. After all the years growing up they did so much on the holiday's to make it special for us, now it is our turn. I am looking forward to going black Friday shopping on Thanksgiving night this year. I know I am crazy but it is something I really love to do. Last year I was able to go to Walmart and that was it. I was totally wiped out. I am also looking forward to not having to put up my Christmas tree a week and a half before Thanksgiving like I did last year. I plan on enjoying Thanksgiving and then put up my Christmas decorations the next day. I am not as excited about Christmas as I used to be, at least the commercial part of it. Having cancer and starting chemo treatments in December have stolen some of that from me. I haven't really even started Christmas shopping and usually by now I have most of it done. I really need to enjoy the holiday's with my family this year and get out of my funk. I seriously don't know how many more we will all have together. Life changes fast and with God in control we really don't know what will happen.
So for today, I will try and make it as good as possible and not think about what happened last year. I look forward to many more good years being cancer free!
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Goodbye Abby
Today was such a beautiful, sunny warm fall Halloween day. The sky was so blue with only a few high clouds and the smell of fall was in the air as I drove over to the vet clinic to send my sweet Abby girl to Heaven. She was my black lab that I adopted from the animal shelter over 12 years ago. She was approximately 13 years old. She was such a special, gentle soul. From the moment we got her we nursed her back to health as she was very sick.
She joined our little family as Jake's (yellow lab) new sister and our 2nd kid (dog). She was literally perfect in every way. She was gentle with everyone she met. She was so in tune with our feelings and emotions. In her younger years she was playful with Jake and didn't leave his side. She never had an accident in the house. She did however like to chew on wood and bones. Our poor deck in our first house suffered a little bit from her but we overlooked it because we loved her so much. She spent 2 years with us before we brought Kaci home from the hospital. We tried to prepare our dog family as much as we could for our new arrival. Jeff even took a blanket home from the hospital that Kaci had been wrapped in so they could smell it. When we got home the next day Abby immediately bonded with Kaci. We put Kaci on a blanket on the floor and Abby joined her (our favorite picture of the two of them). We never had any fear or worry that Abby would hurt Kaci or step on her. We knew Kaci was safe with Abby watching over her. Jake on the other hand could not be in the house if Kaci was on the floor, he was a very rambunctious dog and still to this day doesn't understand personal space.
Kaci was Abby's favorite sister, they hung out together all the time. Abby had to put up with Kaci ordering her around and playing dress up all of these years. She always did whatever Kaci wanted and I know she enjoyed the attention.
I am writing about Abby on my cancer blog because out of my three dogs she was really in tune with what was going on with me during my treatments. The night we shaved my head it was Abby who noticed and kept starring at me. I don't think she was starring because I looked so different, it was almost like she was saying she was so sorry I was having to go through something so hard. After each chemo treatment she would sniff me more than usual. I really feel that she knew what I was going through. She was just giving me her love and letting me know that she was there for me. I am so glad she waited until I was through my treatments to leave.
After we returned from our trip to Disneyworld, the pet sitter informed me that Abby did not eat her food on Saturday morning. We were home that afternoon and were not concerned because there was many days she would not eat. As the week went on and she still refused to eat, it appeared she got weaker with each day. She also kept hanging out in the family room with us and for the past couple of years she was mostly found on one of the beds. She liked her alone time! On Thursday Jeff called to tell me that he bought her some chicken nuggets from McDonalds and she wouldn't eat them. When she refused the people food then we knew we had a problem. He initially thought it might be her mouth and maybe she had an infected tooth or something. I made a vet appointment for 4PM. Jeff took Kaci to dance and then met us up there. Her temperature was 105 degrees and she was very dehydrated. The doctor said she needed to be hospitalized over night to hydrate her and see about getting the fever down with antibiotics. In the meantime they drew her blood for her a full blood panel. I had to take it down to their other clinic to be ran and then they called me within an hour. When he called to told me that she was anemic and her platelet count was very low and she was at risk of hemorrhaging at any time. He also said he took an x-ray of her spleen and noticed a mass that was pushing on her bowels. He said it doesn't look good and the only thing they could do for her would be a plasma transfusion and even yet that would only buy her a few more days. He recommended leaving her in the hospital to get hydrated and picking her up the next day. He couldn't give us a time frame but said it would probably only be a few more days that we had left with her. I picked her up on Friday afternoon with the instructions to feed her whatever I wanted and to say our goodbyes I got her home with Kaci and my neice who were out of school that day and I went back to work. Our plan was to spend the weekend with her and then decide the next week what day we would need to put her down or maybe she would pass at home. When I got home from work our house smelled terrible. I realized it was Abby. Her stomach was grumbling constantly and she had really bad gas. I almost wonder if it was her body shutting down. She was also bleeding from the mouth and from the spot on her back where they took her blood. Her platelet count was that low that her blood could not clot and we don't know what was going on in her mouth. That night I told her everything that I wanted to say and told her it was okay to leave. We all took our turns but when Jake who was sitting a little ways away from us started to cry, it broke our hearts. I slid him closer to us and he licked her in the face over and over as if to say his goodbye's too. Jeff slept with her that night on the living room floor since she needed out to go potty during the night. We all woke up early today and agreed she lost the sparkle in her eyes. Jeff and I decided that we would have her put down today. I called the vet a little before 9:00AM and our appointment was set for 11:15AM. After I called Abby needed out again to go potty. She slipped on the tile on the way out which was unusual for her. She made it down the deck stairs and went potty but on the way up the stairs she was out of breath and breathing really hard. I had to carry her the rest of the way. We fed her the canned dog food the vet gave us and some beef jerky, she scarfed it down and then needed out again. When we let her out this time she made it out to go pee and then she started to poo and it was really runny and her back end fell down. She tried to stand up and all 4 legs went out from under her. She couldn't stand back up. We all surrounded her and spent time with her outside. She loved laying out in the sunshine anyway so we knew she was happy to lay there for a while on the grass. After about a half hour I got her up just enough to walk to the downstairs basement door but when she saw the stairs she refused to go up. I carried her upstairs and laid her on the couch until it was time to leave. Jeff and Kaci drove Abby while Jake, Ely and I took the other car and left ahead of them so I could get into the vet to pay for everything. They were so nice and let us stay in the car with her until it was time and came out and got us. We were given a rather large room and all of us went into the room with me carrying Abby again, she could not stand up. They had a blanket down for Abby and she laid down on that. Jake joined her on the blanket and laid right beside her. We all sat on the floor while Ely checked the place out and even barked a few times because she could hear dogs on the other side of the door. That is not what we wanted, we wanted it very quiet and peaceful but Ely is still a kid and because she is part of our family we felt she needed to be there. The doctor came in and told us how sorry he was and then injected the medicine into Abby. We all had our hands on her so she didn't leave this world alone. I had closed her eyes as it was being injected. She went very fast and it was peaceful. Afterwards the doctor said that we could take as much time with her as we wanted. I was ready to go, I don't handle death that well but Jeff and Kaci wanted to stay longer. I got Jake and Ely ready to go and Ely went over and sniffed Abby but Jake didn't. I think he knows but he is very old too and senile and he gets really nervous at the vets office. We went home while Kaci and Jeff spent more time with her.
I cannot believe she is gone. I know I would not have her forever but when this day comes you are never prepared. She was seriously our kid. I would always say that I have 4 kids (one human kid and 3 canine kids). We loved her so much and always loved telling her story of how we got her from the animal shelter. She only had a couple of days left at the shelter before they would have euthanized her. We literally saved her life and in return she saved ours.
Goodbye my sweet Abby girl! Jake won't be too far behind you.
She joined our little family as Jake's (yellow lab) new sister and our 2nd kid (dog). She was literally perfect in every way. She was gentle with everyone she met. She was so in tune with our feelings and emotions. In her younger years she was playful with Jake and didn't leave his side. She never had an accident in the house. She did however like to chew on wood and bones. Our poor deck in our first house suffered a little bit from her but we overlooked it because we loved her so much. She spent 2 years with us before we brought Kaci home from the hospital. We tried to prepare our dog family as much as we could for our new arrival. Jeff even took a blanket home from the hospital that Kaci had been wrapped in so they could smell it. When we got home the next day Abby immediately bonded with Kaci. We put Kaci on a blanket on the floor and Abby joined her (our favorite picture of the two of them). We never had any fear or worry that Abby would hurt Kaci or step on her. We knew Kaci was safe with Abby watching over her. Jake on the other hand could not be in the house if Kaci was on the floor, he was a very rambunctious dog and still to this day doesn't understand personal space.
Kaci was Abby's favorite sister, they hung out together all the time. Abby had to put up with Kaci ordering her around and playing dress up all of these years. She always did whatever Kaci wanted and I know she enjoyed the attention.
I am writing about Abby on my cancer blog because out of my three dogs she was really in tune with what was going on with me during my treatments. The night we shaved my head it was Abby who noticed and kept starring at me. I don't think she was starring because I looked so different, it was almost like she was saying she was so sorry I was having to go through something so hard. After each chemo treatment she would sniff me more than usual. I really feel that she knew what I was going through. She was just giving me her love and letting me know that she was there for me. I am so glad she waited until I was through my treatments to leave.
After we returned from our trip to Disneyworld, the pet sitter informed me that Abby did not eat her food on Saturday morning. We were home that afternoon and were not concerned because there was many days she would not eat. As the week went on and she still refused to eat, it appeared she got weaker with each day. She also kept hanging out in the family room with us and for the past couple of years she was mostly found on one of the beds. She liked her alone time! On Thursday Jeff called to tell me that he bought her some chicken nuggets from McDonalds and she wouldn't eat them. When she refused the people food then we knew we had a problem. He initially thought it might be her mouth and maybe she had an infected tooth or something. I made a vet appointment for 4PM. Jeff took Kaci to dance and then met us up there. Her temperature was 105 degrees and she was very dehydrated. The doctor said she needed to be hospitalized over night to hydrate her and see about getting the fever down with antibiotics. In the meantime they drew her blood for her a full blood panel. I had to take it down to their other clinic to be ran and then they called me within an hour. When he called to told me that she was anemic and her platelet count was very low and she was at risk of hemorrhaging at any time. He also said he took an x-ray of her spleen and noticed a mass that was pushing on her bowels. He said it doesn't look good and the only thing they could do for her would be a plasma transfusion and even yet that would only buy her a few more days. He recommended leaving her in the hospital to get hydrated and picking her up the next day. He couldn't give us a time frame but said it would probably only be a few more days that we had left with her. I picked her up on Friday afternoon with the instructions to feed her whatever I wanted and to say our goodbyes I got her home with Kaci and my neice who were out of school that day and I went back to work. Our plan was to spend the weekend with her and then decide the next week what day we would need to put her down or maybe she would pass at home. When I got home from work our house smelled terrible. I realized it was Abby. Her stomach was grumbling constantly and she had really bad gas. I almost wonder if it was her body shutting down. She was also bleeding from the mouth and from the spot on her back where they took her blood. Her platelet count was that low that her blood could not clot and we don't know what was going on in her mouth. That night I told her everything that I wanted to say and told her it was okay to leave. We all took our turns but when Jake who was sitting a little ways away from us started to cry, it broke our hearts. I slid him closer to us and he licked her in the face over and over as if to say his goodbye's too. Jeff slept with her that night on the living room floor since she needed out to go potty during the night. We all woke up early today and agreed she lost the sparkle in her eyes. Jeff and I decided that we would have her put down today. I called the vet a little before 9:00AM and our appointment was set for 11:15AM. After I called Abby needed out again to go potty. She slipped on the tile on the way out which was unusual for her. She made it down the deck stairs and went potty but on the way up the stairs she was out of breath and breathing really hard. I had to carry her the rest of the way. We fed her the canned dog food the vet gave us and some beef jerky, she scarfed it down and then needed out again. When we let her out this time she made it out to go pee and then she started to poo and it was really runny and her back end fell down. She tried to stand up and all 4 legs went out from under her. She couldn't stand back up. We all surrounded her and spent time with her outside. She loved laying out in the sunshine anyway so we knew she was happy to lay there for a while on the grass. After about a half hour I got her up just enough to walk to the downstairs basement door but when she saw the stairs she refused to go up. I carried her upstairs and laid her on the couch until it was time to leave. Jeff and Kaci drove Abby while Jake, Ely and I took the other car and left ahead of them so I could get into the vet to pay for everything. They were so nice and let us stay in the car with her until it was time and came out and got us. We were given a rather large room and all of us went into the room with me carrying Abby again, she could not stand up. They had a blanket down for Abby and she laid down on that. Jake joined her on the blanket and laid right beside her. We all sat on the floor while Ely checked the place out and even barked a few times because she could hear dogs on the other side of the door. That is not what we wanted, we wanted it very quiet and peaceful but Ely is still a kid and because she is part of our family we felt she needed to be there. The doctor came in and told us how sorry he was and then injected the medicine into Abby. We all had our hands on her so she didn't leave this world alone. I had closed her eyes as it was being injected. She went very fast and it was peaceful. Afterwards the doctor said that we could take as much time with her as we wanted. I was ready to go, I don't handle death that well but Jeff and Kaci wanted to stay longer. I got Jake and Ely ready to go and Ely went over and sniffed Abby but Jake didn't. I think he knows but he is very old too and senile and he gets really nervous at the vets office. We went home while Kaci and Jeff spent more time with her.
I cannot believe she is gone. I know I would not have her forever but when this day comes you are never prepared. She was seriously our kid. I would always say that I have 4 kids (one human kid and 3 canine kids). We loved her so much and always loved telling her story of how we got her from the animal shelter. She only had a couple of days left at the shelter before they would have euthanized her. We literally saved her life and in return she saved ours.
Goodbye my sweet Abby girl! Jake won't be too far behind you.
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| 2003 with Jake right after we adopted her |
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| 2004 with her daddy |
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| 2005 with her new sister Kaci |
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| 2006 with Kaci watching the rain out the window |
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| 2007 with Kaci ready for duck hunting |
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| 2008 |
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| 2009 with Kaci at Sourdough |
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| 2010 |
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| 2011 New Years Eve with the family |
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| 2012 4-wheeling with me |
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| 2013 with Jake and her new sister Ely |
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| 2014 at Goblin Valley |
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| 2015 playing dress up with Kaci |
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| 2015 October 30th |
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| 2015 Jake saying goodbye on October 30th |
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| 2015 Saying our final goodbye at the vet hospital |
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Disneyworld
We were able to take our trip to Disneyworld (October 16th-24th). We had to wait a very long time to make this dream a reality. Last year we had it all planned as a Christmas gift for our family. We had to cancel less than 6 weeks out due to my diagnosis and starting chemo on the very week we were supposed to be gone. It was so hard to have to call and beg the airlines to refund my tickets because I needed the money for my upcoming medical bills. It took a lot of crying and begging but I got my money back on my non-refundable tickets. I then had to call Disney to get the money back that was spent on park tickets but they were really good and I didn't need to go into a lot of detail. Disney is awesome! We had reserved a condo from a friend and it was easy to get that canceled.
We decided to take this trip in October rather than waiting until December. I was nervous to wait any longer because I feel pretty good right now and I know how fast things can change, plus I didn't want to go at Christmas time because of what happened last year. We stayed at a Disney resort so everything was done for us. We didn't have to worry about transportation or how to get from the airport to the hotel, they took care of everything.
I was nervous at the airport because I didn't want to go through the full body scanners and if they were to ask me I know it is my right as a breast cancer survivor to tell them that I am not comfortable going through the scanner and they have to let me bypass it. Lucky for me I didn't have to have that conversation on either flight. I think since Kaci was by my side they just had us walk through the metal detector scanners. I don't know what I would have done if they told me to walk through it. I may have just walked through it and kept my head up high. I am different and my body is different but I need to learn to deal with the new me and not be embarrassed by it. I will get there one day but right now I am still dealing with my loss of body parts.
When I got on the airplane I had to wear my compression sleeve due to the lymph node removal. I am at a high risk of developing lymph-edema. I put it on and didn't think about the whole reason why I am wearing it and wondering if other people are looking at me and know why I am wearing it. I didn't let my mind go there. I was so excited for the trip I just didn't care.
We had such a great time and spent all 7 days in the parks walking mile and miles. I felt like we saw it all and didn't miss out on anything. My legs however gave me a great deal of pain each day. My legs have hurt daily since I finished chemo and I didn't think that it would be 10 times worse on this trip due to all the walking. I took a lot of pain pills just to get through the days. It was also hard to be out in the heat and humidity. I had hot flashes what felt like every 10 minutes. I was constantly dripping in sweat. My hair was also a curly mess the whole time. The humidity, sweating and curly hair, oh my!!!! There were only a few times I would look in the mirror in the restrooms but most of the time I would avoid them.
Regardless of the pain and being uncomfortable with the hot flashes I had the time of my life. I love my family so much and we enjoyed spending time with them and making memories to last a lifetime. While at the Magic Kingdom we did the Halloween party and we came home with 25lbs of candy from just the 4 of us. I can't believe how much candy they give out! I purposely didn't buy any Halloween candy because I knew we would have a lot of candy and I figure it is better to hand it out to the trick-or-treaters instead of eating it ourselves. I felt like we were gone a lot longer than 8 nights and was really looking forward to coming home to the colder air and the animals. I guess that is a good vacation when at the end of it you are ready to come home.
I sure hope that many more vacations are in my future, I just love to travel.
We decided to take this trip in October rather than waiting until December. I was nervous to wait any longer because I feel pretty good right now and I know how fast things can change, plus I didn't want to go at Christmas time because of what happened last year. We stayed at a Disney resort so everything was done for us. We didn't have to worry about transportation or how to get from the airport to the hotel, they took care of everything.
I was nervous at the airport because I didn't want to go through the full body scanners and if they were to ask me I know it is my right as a breast cancer survivor to tell them that I am not comfortable going through the scanner and they have to let me bypass it. Lucky for me I didn't have to have that conversation on either flight. I think since Kaci was by my side they just had us walk through the metal detector scanners. I don't know what I would have done if they told me to walk through it. I may have just walked through it and kept my head up high. I am different and my body is different but I need to learn to deal with the new me and not be embarrassed by it. I will get there one day but right now I am still dealing with my loss of body parts.
When I got on the airplane I had to wear my compression sleeve due to the lymph node removal. I am at a high risk of developing lymph-edema. I put it on and didn't think about the whole reason why I am wearing it and wondering if other people are looking at me and know why I am wearing it. I didn't let my mind go there. I was so excited for the trip I just didn't care.
We had such a great time and spent all 7 days in the parks walking mile and miles. I felt like we saw it all and didn't miss out on anything. My legs however gave me a great deal of pain each day. My legs have hurt daily since I finished chemo and I didn't think that it would be 10 times worse on this trip due to all the walking. I took a lot of pain pills just to get through the days. It was also hard to be out in the heat and humidity. I had hot flashes what felt like every 10 minutes. I was constantly dripping in sweat. My hair was also a curly mess the whole time. The humidity, sweating and curly hair, oh my!!!! There were only a few times I would look in the mirror in the restrooms but most of the time I would avoid them.
Regardless of the pain and being uncomfortable with the hot flashes I had the time of my life. I love my family so much and we enjoyed spending time with them and making memories to last a lifetime. While at the Magic Kingdom we did the Halloween party and we came home with 25lbs of candy from just the 4 of us. I can't believe how much candy they give out! I purposely didn't buy any Halloween candy because I knew we would have a lot of candy and I figure it is better to hand it out to the trick-or-treaters instead of eating it ourselves. I felt like we were gone a lot longer than 8 nights and was really looking forward to coming home to the colder air and the animals. I guess that is a good vacation when at the end of it you are ready to come home.
I sure hope that many more vacations are in my future, I just love to travel.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
My first haircut almost 7 months post chemo
Yesterday I got my first haircut almost 7 months post chemo. The back of my hair was looking more and more like a mullet with each passing day. Brandie asked me how I wanted it cut and I told her to do what she thinks is best, I am no expert on short hair. I have never had short hair. She trimmed quite a bit of the curl off of the neckline and then blended it with the back of my hair. She trimmed other areas that were a little uneven. Then she blew it dry and used the flat iron to create a spiky/ messy look. I loved it! It was cut into an actual style for the fist time since I completed chemo.
Of course this morning when I was doing my hair I cannot come close to how cute she styled it. The flat iron is still hard for me to use because my hair is still very short. I came close though. I was able to flatten out some of the curl but having the neckline curls cut off makes me feel so much more confident. The neckline is where I had the super tight perm like curls and I seriously thought I had the look of an old lady hairstyle minus the gray. The rest of my hair is almost more wavy than curly, I can handle that!
I honestly thought that the chemo curl would not happen to me and then it did! Then I thought it would go away after 6 months like most peoples do and it didn't! I might be the unlucky one or maybe the lucky one who gets to keep it forever. I might not mind the curls once my hair grows out and some weight is put on it. It might turn out to be a nice pretty curl. Either way for now I really need to embrace the curl and refrain from using the blow dryer and flat iron on it every day. Right now my hair is brand new with no damage at all and if I keep using the heat then we all know what will happen- split ends!!!!
Here is a picture from yesterday but it is a selfie and I don't do selfies much so I am not very good at them but you can get the idea.
Of course this morning when I was doing my hair I cannot come close to how cute she styled it. The flat iron is still hard for me to use because my hair is still very short. I came close though. I was able to flatten out some of the curl but having the neckline curls cut off makes me feel so much more confident. The neckline is where I had the super tight perm like curls and I seriously thought I had the look of an old lady hairstyle minus the gray. The rest of my hair is almost more wavy than curly, I can handle that!
I honestly thought that the chemo curl would not happen to me and then it did! Then I thought it would go away after 6 months like most peoples do and it didn't! I might be the unlucky one or maybe the lucky one who gets to keep it forever. I might not mind the curls once my hair grows out and some weight is put on it. It might turn out to be a nice pretty curl. Either way for now I really need to embrace the curl and refrain from using the blow dryer and flat iron on it every day. Right now my hair is brand new with no damage at all and if I keep using the heat then we all know what will happen- split ends!!!!
Here is a picture from yesterday but it is a selfie and I don't do selfies much so I am not very good at them but you can get the idea.
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