So back in December I posted about another great doctor on my team. One that is into practicing holistic medicine. I do need to start by saying that yes, she has gotten my cholesterol under control holistically (Red Yeast Rice) and I am very grateful for that. She has also introduced me to COQ10 as well as diagnosing the MTHFR gene so now I am taking a methyl form of B vitamins which should help my liver process out toxins better.
This week I had another appointment with her and we were discussing my overall health and when I told her that I am not sleeping at night she asked me why. As if we haven't discussed me being in permanent menopause at age 41 and the hot flashes that occur almost hourly each and every day. In fact back in December she tried to prescribe me Zoloft until I told her I couldn't take that drug because if its interaction with Tamoxifen. I said to myself "whatever" and re-discussed menopause with her. She told me to try Xanax and I had to tell her that there are only 4 medicines out there that I can even try and take with being ER/PR positive and I am pretty sure Xanax was not one of them. She pulled out her phone to research to see if Xanax is safe and she told me it doesn't react with Tamoxifen. I told her that I have a prescription for Effexor and she told me not to even try it, that it is not good for hot flashes. Now I have researched everything about breast cancer and I mean everything and a lot of people find success with Effexor. I just haven't had time to give it a try because of how tired it made me that one day that I tried it. I am waiting for the perfect time to try it and I want to start it on a Friday night when I know that I can sleep in on the weekend and so far I haven't had a chance but I will try it eventually!
Then she told me to try Estrovera for hot flashes which is a supplement that has been known to help hot flashes after 12 weeks. Just the name of it scares me, it sounds too much like estrogen and that is a very scary word for someone like me. I asked her if it is safe and she said of course it is safe and it doesn't react with Tamoxifen. I have been told by my oncologist to stay away from any type of supplement that can mimic estrogen and when I told her that she acted like she didn't even hear me and ended up writing it down on the papers she gave me anyway. I asked her if I should still take my Gabapentin along with it and she said yes, that the Gabapentin is for the bone pain. What? I have bone pain that I didn't know I had. I told her I take Gabapentin for hot flashes and she was floored that I would take that for hot flashes. However, she should already have notes about this since I started Gabapentin last December and discussed this very drug with her and the reason that I was using it.
Next, I asked her about appetite suppressant to maybe help me lose some weight since it has been over a year and I cannot lose any. I haven't gained any since March of last year but I haven't lost any either. No matter how hard I try my weight won't budge and it is getting very frustrating. She told me that since I am not sleeping at night as it is so she won't prescribe nor recommend taking any sort of appetite suppressant since they will keep me up all night which is probably true due to the added caffeine in most of them. She said the best way to lose weight is to eliminate all carbohydrates from my diet. I tried that back in December for a one week and there is no way I can do that type of a diet long term nor do I believe it is safe to do long term. She told me that is the only way and that all wheat has Roundup on it and that is what we are eating when we eat wheat. She had only terrible things to say about any type of grain. I told her that the dietician I saw in January recommends eating from all the food groups but to try and get more of the whole grains rather than the "white" grains and that I have for the most part completely switched to whole grains. She went on and on again about how bad they are for you. I guess everybody has an opinion and what works for one doesn't work for another and I get that. I just felt like she wasn't listening to me no matter what I said.
After all of this I was done and just shut down and wanted to get out of there. She wanted to do a pelvic ultrasound since it has been 6 months and I lied and told her that I will be having those done at the radiology department instead. In reality I will only do them if my oncologist feels it is necessary since Tamoxifen can cause uterine cancer and if he feels I need one then yes, I will do it at the radiology clinic (this was the suggestion by my surgeon back in January only because she isn't a radiologist and doesn't know everything to look for). I was in complete disbelief that she was so nice and caring back in December and also in February but this time she was asking me all sorts of things that she should already have notes about. I feel now like she doesn't know me nor does she have any regard to my health and well being.
When I was leaving she handed me the prescription for Xanax and because I felt like our whole conversation this time was an argument I just took it and left. Of course I will never fill it! I came back to work after this appointment crying and feeling more frustrated than ever. I wish so bad that I can get over how I look and not worry about my weight, but I do. I am only 41 freaking years old and I have the weight gain that most women get in their later 50's and 60's when they reach permanent menopause. Let alone I walk like an old lady because of the arthritis in my legs. I am having a really hard time right now. Jeff made me feel better when he told me that he loves me no matter what I look like and he told me that he disagrees with everything that I told him about this doctors appointment. After that I chose to leave all of this behind me and not look back (with the exception of typing out this blog post, ha, ha).
I guess it is safe to say that I am officially breaking up with this doctor who by the way really isn't a doctor, she is a nurse midwife!!!!!
Friday, May 6, 2016
Thursday, March 24, 2016
One year post chemo
Today marks one year since I finished chemotherapy. I can't believe it has been a year already. Time sure flies when you are having fun!
So here I am not in active treatment anymore. I have my life back! However, the anticipation of the appointments at my oncologist office every four months gives me great anxiety as I mentioned in my previous post. I am glad my appointments are every four months now because until about the week before the actual appointment I don't even think about it.
Things are definitely different than before cancer. The treatments have left me with side effects that will last a lifetime. Life changing side effects at that. Everybody always asks me how I am feeling and I usually reply "pretty good" I know they don't have an hour to spare while I explain how I really feel. So how do I really feel? I feel like crap most of the time. My biggest complaint is the hot flashes. They are seriously so debilitating and embarrassing. Try talking to someone in the middle of winter and breaking out in a sweat that makes your hair wet and sweat dripping down your forehead and neck. It plain out sucks and just wait until after the hot flash is gone and you are shaking because you are so cold. It is a never ending battle with me and I am rarely at a good temperature, I still can't believe that estrogen controls every aspect of our bodies as a woman. As I said in my previous post I am increasing my dosage of Gabapentin to hopefully help the hot flashes but I am only on day two of the increase so I haven't noticed anything different. I am waiting for about a week to see if I am getting any relief and if I am not then I will add Effexor to the mix but I am hopeful that I will get some more relief by taking these medications. I do worry though because I remember when I was on Effexor before that it leaves me a bit tired and dizzy and not feeling like myself, plus they have sexual side effects too as if I don't have enough of that already (actually this was why I quit Effexor before but now that menopause and the hormone blocker have left me with these side effects by adding Effexor back I probably won't even notice anything). I only hope that the tiredness and dizziness isn't too bad because I do work full-time and I am a mom, plus my husband is in school so I have taken on all the household chores while he concentrates on his studies. I have so many responsibilities so these side effects only make my life more difficult. I really wish I didn't work so many hours so that I could rest during the day. Taking a little nap does me wonders but most days, at least during the week it is not an option.
So the other nasty side effect that is quite painful actually is the arthritis that has taken up residence in my legs. Getting up in the morning they hurt so bad, I shuffle around like a 90 year old woman. The more I get moving the better they feel but it never totally goes away. I noticed about two weeks ago when we went hiking a little bit in the mountains that my legs are very unstable. I almost fell numerous times. I guess there are things I just can't do very well anymore. I will continue "trying" to hike here and there but I am slow and very unsteady on my feet.
Then of course there are the sexual side effects which I detailed in my previous post that has changed the life of me and my husband forever. Nobody ever told me about these and all the side effects when I first started chemo and maybe I am glad they didn't because I would have been hesitant to proceed with the treatments had I known and I am very thankful for chemotherapy treatment because as of now I am cancer free! Of course these side effects don't affect everybody the same, I think I am the extreme case or maybe not, I really don't know. All I know is sometimes it is very hard to maintain a positive attitude when I feel so bad all the time.
I read something the other day that says after chemotherapy treatments you age 10 years. I don't know if that is true because I feel like I have aged 20 years!!! I have put on weight like most women do with menopause and I can't get it off and I am so over trying to get it off, I don't need added stress in my life. I am eating healthy and exercising and that is all I can do. I have arthritis and hot flashes. I have bought a little hand held fan (instead of turning papers into fans) to keep in my purse so now I am fanning myself just like all the little old ladies do. I even have a little old lady hair cut to go along with it!!!! So you are wondering about my hair? Well it is still short! I don't know what I was thinking but I thought that a year out I would have a cute little bob that would almost be touching my shoulders. I guess I live in a fantasy land or something. It seems each day is different for me as I style my hair because it is constantly growing and changing that I have to find new ways to style it. It has been fun at times and frustrating at times. I just can't wait until I get it all one length (even if it is short) and get my bangs grown out and off of my forehead so that when I have hot flashes and sweat they don't get wet!!!! My hair is still pretty curly but I flat iron it every day but by the end of the day with the all the sweating I have, it usually curls back up. Maybe when it gets longer I will like the curls but right now we fight each other A LOT! So here it is below a current picture of myself. I am so uncomfortable with the way I look and try to stay away from having pictures taken of myself and I am very nervous to post this picture for the world to see but here it is.
So I don't want this post to be so depressing so I do want to say that even with all of these side effects I really do enjoy life. Sometimes it makes it harder to enjoy but I am happy to be alive. I am happy to have more time with my family and to watch my daughter grow up. I am looking forward to many more years with them. I have a lot of plans this summer and as much as I love to travel I always have to have something in the works. Just to have something to look forward keeps me going in a positive direction. This next weekend my mom, daughter and I are taking a trip to Zion's national park, it will be so good for my soul to get out and enjoy nature. I haven't been for some time but the place is amazing and honestly when I am at these beautiful places I really feel so close to God and Heaven and it brings me so much comfort! Next we have a couple of camp trips planned for May and another camp trip to Moab in June which is another beautiful place that I haven't been to in almost 20 years. I am so excited for Kaci to see these places because there isn't anything like them elsewhere in the world. After Moab then we plan to put our trailer up at our lot in the mountains and camp every weekend until after Labor Day. We are tentatively planning a little trip somewhere in October which may or may not happen. Jeff is so close to finishing up his degree and probably won't be able to come, so if we do go it will just be the "girls" again. I am so thankful that he is okay with us taking these little trips without him. I just can't sit back and wait anymore, I feel a sense of urgency to experience as much in life as possible with those who are able to come along. I know he is almost done with school and then he can come on all of these adventures too. We are thinking of California. We love Disneyland so we might just go there or we might go to San Diego or we might just save the money for a "big trip" after Jeff finishes school. Traveling is what I enjoy most in life and where I make the most precious memories and life is about memories so rather than saving all my money in the bank or buying other things, I chose to spend it on trips with my family and friends. I am all about living in the moment because life really is short, why not enjoy it now.
So for now I will carry on and learn to accept the new me even if I am a little broken. My husband tells me I am beautiful inside and out and one day I will believe it! I am in the process of telling myself this everyday, numerous times a day in fact, all in front of the mirror and I will continue to do so. I also pray a lot! I find myself praying at different times during the day. I find that when I am driving home from work that I turn off the radio and pray, everyday! Maintaining such a close relationship to Heavenly Father is important for me and my well being. While it may not work for everyone it works for me.
Until next time..........
So here I am not in active treatment anymore. I have my life back! However, the anticipation of the appointments at my oncologist office every four months gives me great anxiety as I mentioned in my previous post. I am glad my appointments are every four months now because until about the week before the actual appointment I don't even think about it.
Things are definitely different than before cancer. The treatments have left me with side effects that will last a lifetime. Life changing side effects at that. Everybody always asks me how I am feeling and I usually reply "pretty good" I know they don't have an hour to spare while I explain how I really feel. So how do I really feel? I feel like crap most of the time. My biggest complaint is the hot flashes. They are seriously so debilitating and embarrassing. Try talking to someone in the middle of winter and breaking out in a sweat that makes your hair wet and sweat dripping down your forehead and neck. It plain out sucks and just wait until after the hot flash is gone and you are shaking because you are so cold. It is a never ending battle with me and I am rarely at a good temperature, I still can't believe that estrogen controls every aspect of our bodies as a woman. As I said in my previous post I am increasing my dosage of Gabapentin to hopefully help the hot flashes but I am only on day two of the increase so I haven't noticed anything different. I am waiting for about a week to see if I am getting any relief and if I am not then I will add Effexor to the mix but I am hopeful that I will get some more relief by taking these medications. I do worry though because I remember when I was on Effexor before that it leaves me a bit tired and dizzy and not feeling like myself, plus they have sexual side effects too as if I don't have enough of that already (actually this was why I quit Effexor before but now that menopause and the hormone blocker have left me with these side effects by adding Effexor back I probably won't even notice anything). I only hope that the tiredness and dizziness isn't too bad because I do work full-time and I am a mom, plus my husband is in school so I have taken on all the household chores while he concentrates on his studies. I have so many responsibilities so these side effects only make my life more difficult. I really wish I didn't work so many hours so that I could rest during the day. Taking a little nap does me wonders but most days, at least during the week it is not an option.
So the other nasty side effect that is quite painful actually is the arthritis that has taken up residence in my legs. Getting up in the morning they hurt so bad, I shuffle around like a 90 year old woman. The more I get moving the better they feel but it never totally goes away. I noticed about two weeks ago when we went hiking a little bit in the mountains that my legs are very unstable. I almost fell numerous times. I guess there are things I just can't do very well anymore. I will continue "trying" to hike here and there but I am slow and very unsteady on my feet.
Then of course there are the sexual side effects which I detailed in my previous post that has changed the life of me and my husband forever. Nobody ever told me about these and all the side effects when I first started chemo and maybe I am glad they didn't because I would have been hesitant to proceed with the treatments had I known and I am very thankful for chemotherapy treatment because as of now I am cancer free! Of course these side effects don't affect everybody the same, I think I am the extreme case or maybe not, I really don't know. All I know is sometimes it is very hard to maintain a positive attitude when I feel so bad all the time.
I read something the other day that says after chemotherapy treatments you age 10 years. I don't know if that is true because I feel like I have aged 20 years!!! I have put on weight like most women do with menopause and I can't get it off and I am so over trying to get it off, I don't need added stress in my life. I am eating healthy and exercising and that is all I can do. I have arthritis and hot flashes. I have bought a little hand held fan (instead of turning papers into fans) to keep in my purse so now I am fanning myself just like all the little old ladies do. I even have a little old lady hair cut to go along with it!!!! So you are wondering about my hair? Well it is still short! I don't know what I was thinking but I thought that a year out I would have a cute little bob that would almost be touching my shoulders. I guess I live in a fantasy land or something. It seems each day is different for me as I style my hair because it is constantly growing and changing that I have to find new ways to style it. It has been fun at times and frustrating at times. I just can't wait until I get it all one length (even if it is short) and get my bangs grown out and off of my forehead so that when I have hot flashes and sweat they don't get wet!!!! My hair is still pretty curly but I flat iron it every day but by the end of the day with the all the sweating I have, it usually curls back up. Maybe when it gets longer I will like the curls but right now we fight each other A LOT! So here it is below a current picture of myself. I am so uncomfortable with the way I look and try to stay away from having pictures taken of myself and I am very nervous to post this picture for the world to see but here it is.
So I don't want this post to be so depressing so I do want to say that even with all of these side effects I really do enjoy life. Sometimes it makes it harder to enjoy but I am happy to be alive. I am happy to have more time with my family and to watch my daughter grow up. I am looking forward to many more years with them. I have a lot of plans this summer and as much as I love to travel I always have to have something in the works. Just to have something to look forward keeps me going in a positive direction. This next weekend my mom, daughter and I are taking a trip to Zion's national park, it will be so good for my soul to get out and enjoy nature. I haven't been for some time but the place is amazing and honestly when I am at these beautiful places I really feel so close to God and Heaven and it brings me so much comfort! Next we have a couple of camp trips planned for May and another camp trip to Moab in June which is another beautiful place that I haven't been to in almost 20 years. I am so excited for Kaci to see these places because there isn't anything like them elsewhere in the world. After Moab then we plan to put our trailer up at our lot in the mountains and camp every weekend until after Labor Day. We are tentatively planning a little trip somewhere in October which may or may not happen. Jeff is so close to finishing up his degree and probably won't be able to come, so if we do go it will just be the "girls" again. I am so thankful that he is okay with us taking these little trips without him. I just can't sit back and wait anymore, I feel a sense of urgency to experience as much in life as possible with those who are able to come along. I know he is almost done with school and then he can come on all of these adventures too. We are thinking of California. We love Disneyland so we might just go there or we might go to San Diego or we might just save the money for a "big trip" after Jeff finishes school. Traveling is what I enjoy most in life and where I make the most precious memories and life is about memories so rather than saving all my money in the bank or buying other things, I chose to spend it on trips with my family and friends. I am all about living in the moment because life really is short, why not enjoy it now.
So for now I will carry on and learn to accept the new me even if I am a little broken. My husband tells me I am beautiful inside and out and one day I will believe it! I am in the process of telling myself this everyday, numerous times a day in fact, all in front of the mirror and I will continue to do so. I also pray a lot! I find myself praying at different times during the day. I find that when I am driving home from work that I turn off the radio and pray, everyday! Maintaining such a close relationship to Heavenly Father is important for me and my well being. While it may not work for everyone it works for me.
Until next time..........
Monday, March 21, 2016
4 month follow up
Today I had another 4 month follow up at my oncologists office. I can't believe that this Wednesday marks one year since I finished chemotherapy and that I am on a 4 month follow up schedule for a while. I can't wait until I get further out and start on the 6 month schedule and then eventually to a follow up once a year. I will try and get a new picture of my hair at one year post chemo. I would have never believed that my hair would still be this short after a year. I guess I had higher hopes for my hair at one year out. It is growing and I am thankful for it but I am still not comfortable with where it is at.
My feelings are still the same about that office. I have such great anxiety leading up to the appointment and it takes all the strength and courage I have in me to make myself walk into that building. It is nothing against any of the people as I love them all and they are such a great support to me even know. It is just that all the memories come flooding back that I did have cancer and I will be forever changed because of it. As I live each day I tend to forget about "cancer" and everything I went through and I like it that way. I like to feel normal and I don't want people treating me any different because of what I went through and for the most part they don't.
Today I saw a different doctor since my doctor was out. At first I was put out that I wasn't going to see my regular doctor especially when they said to put on a gown because he likes to do an exam and I had a lot of personal things I wanted to discuss that I hadn't talked about before. Jeff turned to me and asked if I would like to reschedule and at first I thought I might but that is not fair as I hadn't even met the guy yet. When he came in and introduced himself I knew I was in good hands. In fact he was one of the co-founders and is actually retired but has come back to fill in since another oncologist in the office had a stroke last year and is unable to practice any longer.
He started with the exam and I told him about a new pain that I have on my side which also happens to be the side where the cancer was. He felt all around and when he pinpointed the area he said that is a muscle and that I probably just pulled it. He said that is not an area where cancer would likely come back to. How I loved hearing those words as I have been so scared about what it might be. I was told in the beginning that with any new aches or pains not to worry or stress about them until after 14 days. Well this one has been going on for four weeks now but then Jeff remembered we moved a pretty big tree in our back yard about 4 weeks ago and then it dawned on me that this is probably where the pain is coming from. The doctor told me not to worry about it for now as muscle strains can take some time to heal. I relaxed completely upon hearing these words.
After that I started asking my questions. I am still having hot flashes like crazy and at first I felt like the Gabapentin was helping make them not so intense. I have been getting about 1-1/2 to 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night which was better than waking about twice an hour prior to Gabapentin. Maybe it is still helping take the intensity out of most of them but not enough for me, I want more relief! The longer this goes on the more anxious they make me. He suggested increasing the dosage by taking 300 mg in the morning and 600 mg at night, right now I have only been taking 600 mg at night. He also suggested to try Effexor again along with the Gabapentin but first I am going to increase the Gabapentin and see what that does. He said it is about the quality of life at this point and he can see that I am struggling. He said to try this and if it isn't helping to call them because they can increase the dosage further on both of these drugs and keep trying until I get some relief. I loved that he cared so much about me and told me not to give up and not to wait until my next four month appointment if it isn't helping. Jeff also asked about the cold flashes which happen every bit as frequently as the hot flashes and he said that it is completely normal for someone like me. It is something I have to deal with for who knows how long. He also said I could try Tylenol PM to see if that would help me get some rest but for now I am going to try to increase the Gabapentin and see if that helps me and if it doesn't then I will add the Effexor and then add the Tylenol PM if needed. I don't want to add everything at once because I want to see if some of these on their own will help me without adding other drugs to the mix. This is going to be so hard on me because I am not one that likes taking drugs at all. Tamoxifen is a given and will be a part of my life for a little over 9 more years (yes, I am counting down). I am to the point now that I am going to give in and try these prescription drugs and have hope that I will get some relief.
After that I asked my more personal questions and I am just going to put it out here on my blog for the first time ever and not be embarrassed by it any longer. I asked him about the vaginal dryness, no sex drive what so ever and pain with intercourse which are all horrible side effects of not only menopause but also the side effects of Tamoxifen (hormone blocker). At this point I started to cry because it is so hard for me to talk about. I am still young enough and so is Jeff and I feel like this is so unfair. The doctor was so nice as he talked to both of us about this. He said it is hard especially for someone as young as me and it is a large part of our lives. He said that he would okay an estrogen cream to help the dryness which might also help with the pain of intercourse but unfortunately it won't help my lack of drive. He said the only thing that can help me feel like a whole woman again would be estrogen and I cannot have that due to my high risk of re-occurrence. He said I need to call my OB/GYN and get the cream but make sure that it is the lowest concentrated dose possible. He said my body would absorb some of the estrogen but the Tamoxifen will take care of that but in turn I will get some relief down there. I am going to think about this cream for now as it seems so scary to me to request something with estrogen in it. I go back to my OB/GYN at the first of May so I think I will discuss it with her at that time.
I love that my oncologists office can run the complete blood panel right in their office with no waiting. All of my numbers looked great which was added relief for me. They are however, this time sending some of it out for additional testing for liver enzymes and a few others and we will get those results in a few days. Jeff and I aren't expecting them to be "bad" though. Everything else with my blood counts was completely normal so we have no reason to believe that these other tests will show anything different.
As far as my diet and exercise goes. I am still following the "My Plate" guide that my dietician suggested for me with the exception of a few cheats during the weekends (life is short so you have got to enjoy it once in a while). I also strive to walk 30 minutes a day either on my treadmill or outside as it really does help the arthritis in my legs. I am still at the same weight as I was when I finished chemo. I am so over trying to lose weight. I don't need the added stress in my life. I want to enjoy each day and as long as I am striving to eat healthy and exercise then that is all I can ask for. Being in menopause plus being on the hormone blockers is a disaster for trying to lose weight. It almost always never happens. As women our hormones control just about everything in our bodies and metabolism is another one it controls and I have zero hormones running through my body. I am trying to tell myself each and every day that I am beautiful no matter what. All the scars across my chest, my lack of breasts, my being over weight and my short haircut that I am still not comfortable with are all a part of my journey and I need to embrace them. Self help talk can go along way.
I am so thankful for a kind and caring husband that goes with me to these appointments so that I do not have to go alone. I am also thankful for his understanding with the "new" me. I do not have the quality of life I once had and I know it is extremely hard on both of us. It messes with me emotionally so much, I have so much guilt that goes along with it even though it is not something I asked for or brought on myself.
My feelings are still the same about that office. I have such great anxiety leading up to the appointment and it takes all the strength and courage I have in me to make myself walk into that building. It is nothing against any of the people as I love them all and they are such a great support to me even know. It is just that all the memories come flooding back that I did have cancer and I will be forever changed because of it. As I live each day I tend to forget about "cancer" and everything I went through and I like it that way. I like to feel normal and I don't want people treating me any different because of what I went through and for the most part they don't.
Today I saw a different doctor since my doctor was out. At first I was put out that I wasn't going to see my regular doctor especially when they said to put on a gown because he likes to do an exam and I had a lot of personal things I wanted to discuss that I hadn't talked about before. Jeff turned to me and asked if I would like to reschedule and at first I thought I might but that is not fair as I hadn't even met the guy yet. When he came in and introduced himself I knew I was in good hands. In fact he was one of the co-founders and is actually retired but has come back to fill in since another oncologist in the office had a stroke last year and is unable to practice any longer.
He started with the exam and I told him about a new pain that I have on my side which also happens to be the side where the cancer was. He felt all around and when he pinpointed the area he said that is a muscle and that I probably just pulled it. He said that is not an area where cancer would likely come back to. How I loved hearing those words as I have been so scared about what it might be. I was told in the beginning that with any new aches or pains not to worry or stress about them until after 14 days. Well this one has been going on for four weeks now but then Jeff remembered we moved a pretty big tree in our back yard about 4 weeks ago and then it dawned on me that this is probably where the pain is coming from. The doctor told me not to worry about it for now as muscle strains can take some time to heal. I relaxed completely upon hearing these words.
After that I started asking my questions. I am still having hot flashes like crazy and at first I felt like the Gabapentin was helping make them not so intense. I have been getting about 1-1/2 to 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night which was better than waking about twice an hour prior to Gabapentin. Maybe it is still helping take the intensity out of most of them but not enough for me, I want more relief! The longer this goes on the more anxious they make me. He suggested increasing the dosage by taking 300 mg in the morning and 600 mg at night, right now I have only been taking 600 mg at night. He also suggested to try Effexor again along with the Gabapentin but first I am going to increase the Gabapentin and see what that does. He said it is about the quality of life at this point and he can see that I am struggling. He said to try this and if it isn't helping to call them because they can increase the dosage further on both of these drugs and keep trying until I get some relief. I loved that he cared so much about me and told me not to give up and not to wait until my next four month appointment if it isn't helping. Jeff also asked about the cold flashes which happen every bit as frequently as the hot flashes and he said that it is completely normal for someone like me. It is something I have to deal with for who knows how long. He also said I could try Tylenol PM to see if that would help me get some rest but for now I am going to try to increase the Gabapentin and see if that helps me and if it doesn't then I will add the Effexor and then add the Tylenol PM if needed. I don't want to add everything at once because I want to see if some of these on their own will help me without adding other drugs to the mix. This is going to be so hard on me because I am not one that likes taking drugs at all. Tamoxifen is a given and will be a part of my life for a little over 9 more years (yes, I am counting down). I am to the point now that I am going to give in and try these prescription drugs and have hope that I will get some relief.
After that I asked my more personal questions and I am just going to put it out here on my blog for the first time ever and not be embarrassed by it any longer. I asked him about the vaginal dryness, no sex drive what so ever and pain with intercourse which are all horrible side effects of not only menopause but also the side effects of Tamoxifen (hormone blocker). At this point I started to cry because it is so hard for me to talk about. I am still young enough and so is Jeff and I feel like this is so unfair. The doctor was so nice as he talked to both of us about this. He said it is hard especially for someone as young as me and it is a large part of our lives. He said that he would okay an estrogen cream to help the dryness which might also help with the pain of intercourse but unfortunately it won't help my lack of drive. He said the only thing that can help me feel like a whole woman again would be estrogen and I cannot have that due to my high risk of re-occurrence. He said I need to call my OB/GYN and get the cream but make sure that it is the lowest concentrated dose possible. He said my body would absorb some of the estrogen but the Tamoxifen will take care of that but in turn I will get some relief down there. I am going to think about this cream for now as it seems so scary to me to request something with estrogen in it. I go back to my OB/GYN at the first of May so I think I will discuss it with her at that time.
I love that my oncologists office can run the complete blood panel right in their office with no waiting. All of my numbers looked great which was added relief for me. They are however, this time sending some of it out for additional testing for liver enzymes and a few others and we will get those results in a few days. Jeff and I aren't expecting them to be "bad" though. Everything else with my blood counts was completely normal so we have no reason to believe that these other tests will show anything different.
As far as my diet and exercise goes. I am still following the "My Plate" guide that my dietician suggested for me with the exception of a few cheats during the weekends (life is short so you have got to enjoy it once in a while). I also strive to walk 30 minutes a day either on my treadmill or outside as it really does help the arthritis in my legs. I am still at the same weight as I was when I finished chemo. I am so over trying to lose weight. I don't need the added stress in my life. I want to enjoy each day and as long as I am striving to eat healthy and exercise then that is all I can ask for. Being in menopause plus being on the hormone blockers is a disaster for trying to lose weight. It almost always never happens. As women our hormones control just about everything in our bodies and metabolism is another one it controls and I have zero hormones running through my body. I am trying to tell myself each and every day that I am beautiful no matter what. All the scars across my chest, my lack of breasts, my being over weight and my short haircut that I am still not comfortable with are all a part of my journey and I need to embrace them. Self help talk can go along way.
I am so thankful for a kind and caring husband that goes with me to these appointments so that I do not have to go alone. I am also thankful for his understanding with the "new" me. I do not have the quality of life I once had and I know it is extremely hard on both of us. It messes with me emotionally so much, I have so much guilt that goes along with it even though it is not something I asked for or brought on myself.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Redecorating the house
At the end of last year we were trying to decide if we should start finishing the basement now that I was finished with treatment or redecorate the house that was bothering me so much. We had planned on finishing the basement in January 2015 but I was going through chemo and money was tight paying for all of my medical bills. Finishing the basement would take a lot of money and I am nervous to spend that kind of money right now because you never know what can happen. I also knew how bad the interior of my house reminded me of cancer and also the memories of my beloved dogs who had just passed away. I seriously wanted to move if I couldn't make a change. In talking to other people who have gone through what I have,
some of them did decide to move. I
thought it would be cheaper to redecorate and I just don't have it in me
for all the work it takes to move, let alone Kaci is in a school she
loves with friends that live nearby. I didn't feel it was fair to her
to move right now.
As I have mentioned before, last February I redecorated our bedroom because I just couldn't stand it anymore. I had spent countless days/hours/months in there and the sight of it made me sick to my stomach. With the mounting medical bills that is the only room I could afford to do at that moment and I felt that was the most important since I knew I would be spending another couple of months in bed. It made me feel better at the time and I just learned to look past the rest of the house.
So right after Christmas I started hitting the stores to get ideas. My main goal was to get rid of all the red in my house since that color was spread throughout every room except my bedroom and bathroom. I started with changing out a few decorations but the house still looked the same to me. Then we started looking at carpet and decided to re-carpet the house. When we built the house the cheapest carpet was put in and it didn't wear well at all. The carpet was in terrible shape and since Jake (my dog) had just passed away and with all of his "accidents" over the years and towards the end of his life the drooling blood, it was time. In fact we always said when Jakey Boy goes we are going to get new carpet (sorry buddy but its true). We spent hours cleaning out each room as we moved the furniture in preparation. Re-carpeting is the next best thing to moving! We had collected so much in the last 4-1/2 years since we moved in and it was a great time to get rid of some things. After the house was re-carpeted with lovely thick padding and plush carpet it is like walking on clouds. I have never had this nice of carpet before and this didn't disappoint. It was worth spending a little more money and getting exactly what we wanted. It looked beautiful and then we put our old furniture back in the family room and I hated it. It looked like we had such a nice house now but with old, semi-outdated furniture. Last fall we had been eying some furniture for our family room but decided to wait until we got the basement done. Well, since we didn't do the basement and was working on the main level of the house we decided to get the furniture as well. Thank goodness for our excellent credit and 18/24 months no interest. After the carpet and furniture was in I took down the rest of the "red decor". I have bought a few things like new rugs, towels for the kitchen and a few decorations for the cabinets. I haven't finished it yet but have decided to take a break. I got so overwhelmed and ended up buying and returning numerous items that I felt just didn't fit. I am going to take it easy for a while and if/when I see something I will know. In the meantime my house looks great and the "old memories" of the year that I went through surgery, chemo and radiation and the loss of my dogs are long gone. I haven't forgotten them completely as they will always be a part of me, but the change in my house is exactly what I needed and for the most part what my family needed.
It is nice to have our main living area just how I want it. It is so fresh and new and makes me happy looking at it. My house is my new fresh start and I love it. Here is to making a lot of good memories with my family in our home that we have put so much work and love in to.
As I have mentioned before, last February I redecorated our bedroom because I just couldn't stand it anymore. I had spent countless days/hours/months in there and the sight of it made me sick to my stomach. With the mounting medical bills that is the only room I could afford to do at that moment and I felt that was the most important since I knew I would be spending another couple of months in bed. It made me feel better at the time and I just learned to look past the rest of the house.
So right after Christmas I started hitting the stores to get ideas. My main goal was to get rid of all the red in my house since that color was spread throughout every room except my bedroom and bathroom. I started with changing out a few decorations but the house still looked the same to me. Then we started looking at carpet and decided to re-carpet the house. When we built the house the cheapest carpet was put in and it didn't wear well at all. The carpet was in terrible shape and since Jake (my dog) had just passed away and with all of his "accidents" over the years and towards the end of his life the drooling blood, it was time. In fact we always said when Jakey Boy goes we are going to get new carpet (sorry buddy but its true). We spent hours cleaning out each room as we moved the furniture in preparation. Re-carpeting is the next best thing to moving! We had collected so much in the last 4-1/2 years since we moved in and it was a great time to get rid of some things. After the house was re-carpeted with lovely thick padding and plush carpet it is like walking on clouds. I have never had this nice of carpet before and this didn't disappoint. It was worth spending a little more money and getting exactly what we wanted. It looked beautiful and then we put our old furniture back in the family room and I hated it. It looked like we had such a nice house now but with old, semi-outdated furniture. Last fall we had been eying some furniture for our family room but decided to wait until we got the basement done. Well, since we didn't do the basement and was working on the main level of the house we decided to get the furniture as well. Thank goodness for our excellent credit and 18/24 months no interest. After the carpet and furniture was in I took down the rest of the "red decor". I have bought a few things like new rugs, towels for the kitchen and a few decorations for the cabinets. I haven't finished it yet but have decided to take a break. I got so overwhelmed and ended up buying and returning numerous items that I felt just didn't fit. I am going to take it easy for a while and if/when I see something I will know. In the meantime my house looks great and the "old memories" of the year that I went through surgery, chemo and radiation and the loss of my dogs are long gone. I haven't forgotten them completely as they will always be a part of me, but the change in my house is exactly what I needed and for the most part what my family needed.
It is nice to have our main living area just how I want it. It is so fresh and new and makes me happy looking at it. My house is my new fresh start and I love it. Here is to making a lot of good memories with my family in our home that we have put so much work and love in to.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
A new friend for both me and Kaci
Something great happened this past weekend. My daughter has met a
new friend at school and played over at her house for the first time on
Saturday. When I picked her up she said that this friends mom went
through breast cancer too. Well these two cute girls thought it would
be a good idea to get us together for a girls day out. So on Monday
they had us meet at the mall so that we could take them to Quilted Bear
to get Beanie Boo's and then to Pretzel Maker for snacks and smoothies
and then to the movie. They thought it would be nice for us to
have time to talk about our experiences. I can't even describe how
powerful it is to have someone physically standing by my side and knowing
exactly what I go through on a daily basis. While I don't wish this experience on anybody it is nice to have a friend who has gone through the same thing so that I don't feel so alone in this world.
You cannot ever truly understand the physical limitations as well as the emotional effect that breast cancer has on a person until you have gone through it yourself. For instance we went bowling on Sunday for Valentine's Day. I didn't think anything of it but it was so hard for me to move that arm and it was actually a little painful, my skin is still so tight on the right side where I had radiation. I decided to just let Kaci take over my turn which she was excited about. I still enjoyed myself but I had no idea that something as simple as bowling would be so hard. Then of course I worry about lymphedema, I was told not to carry grocery bags, my purse or anything heavy on that side and here I was throwing a 10lb bowling ball.
I have a lot of new friends since my diagnosis who have gone through the same things I have but unfortunately I have not met them in person. We are friends in the blogging world as well as Facebook and some I have talked to on the phone. I am grateful for each and every one of them as they have all helped me in some way. I can't imagine my life without them and at any time I know I can message them, call them, write on their blogs etc. and they will be there for me. There are so many amazing people out there. I will also be there for anybody and everybody at any time. I feel it is my duty to pay it forward. I hope that all of you reading this blog all over the world knows that if I can be of help in any way please just ask me.
I know my new friend Shauna and I will continue to be good friends. I also think it is so good for Kaci to have a friend who she can relate to as well. I believe there is a reason that this family moved into our area. It is amazing how much other people can give and provide strength to someone else. We all need to remember that everybody has trials, some might seem big and others quite small but we cannot judge how that person is reacting to them. To them it might be big. We need to continue to be there for our neighbors, friends, family and strangers. We need to listen to them and be there for them no matter what. Nothing is more important than serving. Even if you just smile and say hi to a stranger you might make their entire day.
You cannot ever truly understand the physical limitations as well as the emotional effect that breast cancer has on a person until you have gone through it yourself. For instance we went bowling on Sunday for Valentine's Day. I didn't think anything of it but it was so hard for me to move that arm and it was actually a little painful, my skin is still so tight on the right side where I had radiation. I decided to just let Kaci take over my turn which she was excited about. I still enjoyed myself but I had no idea that something as simple as bowling would be so hard. Then of course I worry about lymphedema, I was told not to carry grocery bags, my purse or anything heavy on that side and here I was throwing a 10lb bowling ball.
I have a lot of new friends since my diagnosis who have gone through the same things I have but unfortunately I have not met them in person. We are friends in the blogging world as well as Facebook and some I have talked to on the phone. I am grateful for each and every one of them as they have all helped me in some way. I can't imagine my life without them and at any time I know I can message them, call them, write on their blogs etc. and they will be there for me. There are so many amazing people out there. I will also be there for anybody and everybody at any time. I feel it is my duty to pay it forward. I hope that all of you reading this blog all over the world knows that if I can be of help in any way please just ask me.
I know my new friend Shauna and I will continue to be good friends. I also think it is so good for Kaci to have a friend who she can relate to as well. I believe there is a reason that this family moved into our area. It is amazing how much other people can give and provide strength to someone else. We all need to remember that everybody has trials, some might seem big and others quite small but we cannot judge how that person is reacting to them. To them it might be big. We need to continue to be there for our neighbors, friends, family and strangers. We need to listen to them and be there for them no matter what. Nothing is more important than serving. Even if you just smile and say hi to a stranger you might make their entire day.
MTHFR GENE mutation(not a cuss word), lab results and hot flashes
So I have been seeing an amazing OB/GYN. I went in for a 2 month followup on February 2nd to discuss my lab results in detail from last December. My cholesterol was extremely high at 283. My vitamin D levels were on the low end of normal and everything else was in check. I immediately started on a higher dose of Vitamin D and two different supplements per this doctor's recommendation. I started on Red Yeast Rice (Yeah, I have never heard of it before either). Anyway it is a natural statin that can help reduce cholesterol. I also started on another supplement called COQ10 (just Google it for more information). At this followup appointment we decided to retest everything as well as did the genetic test MTHFR. Dr. Knowles said that she has a 90% accuracy rate of guessing that a person probably has one of these mutations. She guessed me to possibly have this mutation due to breast cancer at an early age as well as high cholesterol for most of my life. This test is not covered by insurance and I will have to pay out of pocket for it but it should be less than $1000. It was important to me to find out if I had this mutation because there are supplements you can take to help with it.
Yesterday, I got the results in the mail and my total cholesterol is down 66 points in two months. I am beyond excited! My cholesterol has been high since I first had it tested in my early 20's. I will continue taking the Red Yeast Rice since it is natural and it appears to be helping my cholesterol come down. She said that statin's can cause brain fog and I already have enough of that since chemo, I really didn't want to add to that. Plus if I can lower my cholesterol the natural way then there is no need for a statin. My vitamin D levels came up a bit too but are still within the normal range and not even close to the verge of over dosing. We didn't know if taking 10,000ui a day might be too much but it appears to be what I need to take right now. It is important for me to keep my bones healthy and strong now that I am in menopause.
On top of that I have both of the two critical gene mutations. What this means is this can cause pulmonary embolisms, addictions, fibromyalgia, miscarriages, schizophrenia, severe depression, heart disease and cancer to name a few. There are a lot of health problems associated with these mutations. My doctor may be on to something, this could be the very reason I had breast cancer at an early age as well as high cholesterol. So now I am taking this information and I will supplement with a methyl form of B6, B12 and folate which will help my liver to flush out the toxins. I am hoping that when I go back in May my cholesterol has dropped even more and that I am within the normal range on all levels. I also hope that with the vitamin B supplements that I will have more energy as this can be part of the problem with this mutation also. These mutations rarely have any physical symptoms but just knowing that I am giving my body what it needs so that my liver can perform its function properly is worth the peace of mind. I still know however, that God is in control of my life and my destiny but knowing that I am striving to be healthy and doing this the holistic way makes me feel like I am doing all that I can.
I also started on Gabapentin back on December 2nd to see if it could help control my hot flashes. The major side effect of this drug is tiredness so you have to take it at night before bed. It is primarily used to treat seizures, but some women have success in treating their hot flashes as well. I feel like since I started on this medicine that my hot flashes were not as severe or intense. I also can go longer without having one. At night I am able to go about 2 to 2-1/2 hours in between hot flashes rather than at least one every hour so I am getting better quality of sleep. During the day is different because of my stress levels, excitement, etc. when I am awake. The littlest of things can trigger a hot flash. Usually if I am relaxed and don't have any distractions or physical activity I can go longer without having one. Anyway since I had also started on this drug at the same time as the Red Yeast Rice and COQ10. I didn't know if it was really helping or not. I did have some relief so I knew it was either this or the COQ10 or the combination of both. I ran out of the COQ10 in early January for about a week and I felt like my hot flashes were getting worse. I started back up on it and then I thought maybe it is the COQ10 that is helping my hot flashes and not the Gabapentin. Since the COQ10 is a natural supplement I didn't mind taking it. I hate taking any unnecessary medications so I decided to go off of the Gabapentin and see what happens. I went off it gradually for the first week of February and then went off completely the 2nd week. Towards the end of last week my hot flashes were back full force. Every hot flash I had produced sweat and they were very intense. A couple of days of that was all it took for me to start back up on the Gabapentin. While I don't like taking this drug because it makes it so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning it is worth it to me to not be such a sweaty mess during the day. I have very curly hair that I flat iron the heck out of each morning and if my hot flashes produce a lot of sweat then by the end of the day I have my curly hair old lady look. I hate that the hot flashes make my head, face and neck just drip with sweat. Since I have been on Gabapentin I might only have one of two hot flashes a day that produce sweat so most days I can go home with the same hair style that I created that morning. It isn't all about the hair as much as it is about being uncomfortable during each hot flash. I never new how debilitating they can be. I guess now I can say that the combination of COQ10 and Gabapentin are helping me quite a bit with my hot flashes. It is so nice to have a hot flash and while it is still uncomfortable it doesn't last as long and most of them do not produce sweat. I don't know how long they will stick around and I keep hoping that they will start to fade out but I don't think that will happen anytime soon since the Tamoxifen that I am on creates them as well as just plain being in menopause.
Yesterday, I got the results in the mail and my total cholesterol is down 66 points in two months. I am beyond excited! My cholesterol has been high since I first had it tested in my early 20's. I will continue taking the Red Yeast Rice since it is natural and it appears to be helping my cholesterol come down. She said that statin's can cause brain fog and I already have enough of that since chemo, I really didn't want to add to that. Plus if I can lower my cholesterol the natural way then there is no need for a statin. My vitamin D levels came up a bit too but are still within the normal range and not even close to the verge of over dosing. We didn't know if taking 10,000ui a day might be too much but it appears to be what I need to take right now. It is important for me to keep my bones healthy and strong now that I am in menopause.
On top of that I have both of the two critical gene mutations. What this means is this can cause pulmonary embolisms, addictions, fibromyalgia, miscarriages, schizophrenia, severe depression, heart disease and cancer to name a few. There are a lot of health problems associated with these mutations. My doctor may be on to something, this could be the very reason I had breast cancer at an early age as well as high cholesterol. So now I am taking this information and I will supplement with a methyl form of B6, B12 and folate which will help my liver to flush out the toxins. I am hoping that when I go back in May my cholesterol has dropped even more and that I am within the normal range on all levels. I also hope that with the vitamin B supplements that I will have more energy as this can be part of the problem with this mutation also. These mutations rarely have any physical symptoms but just knowing that I am giving my body what it needs so that my liver can perform its function properly is worth the peace of mind. I still know however, that God is in control of my life and my destiny but knowing that I am striving to be healthy and doing this the holistic way makes me feel like I am doing all that I can.
I also started on Gabapentin back on December 2nd to see if it could help control my hot flashes. The major side effect of this drug is tiredness so you have to take it at night before bed. It is primarily used to treat seizures, but some women have success in treating their hot flashes as well. I feel like since I started on this medicine that my hot flashes were not as severe or intense. I also can go longer without having one. At night I am able to go about 2 to 2-1/2 hours in between hot flashes rather than at least one every hour so I am getting better quality of sleep. During the day is different because of my stress levels, excitement, etc. when I am awake. The littlest of things can trigger a hot flash. Usually if I am relaxed and don't have any distractions or physical activity I can go longer without having one. Anyway since I had also started on this drug at the same time as the Red Yeast Rice and COQ10. I didn't know if it was really helping or not. I did have some relief so I knew it was either this or the COQ10 or the combination of both. I ran out of the COQ10 in early January for about a week and I felt like my hot flashes were getting worse. I started back up on it and then I thought maybe it is the COQ10 that is helping my hot flashes and not the Gabapentin. Since the COQ10 is a natural supplement I didn't mind taking it. I hate taking any unnecessary medications so I decided to go off of the Gabapentin and see what happens. I went off it gradually for the first week of February and then went off completely the 2nd week. Towards the end of last week my hot flashes were back full force. Every hot flash I had produced sweat and they were very intense. A couple of days of that was all it took for me to start back up on the Gabapentin. While I don't like taking this drug because it makes it so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning it is worth it to me to not be such a sweaty mess during the day. I have very curly hair that I flat iron the heck out of each morning and if my hot flashes produce a lot of sweat then by the end of the day I have my curly hair old lady look. I hate that the hot flashes make my head, face and neck just drip with sweat. Since I have been on Gabapentin I might only have one of two hot flashes a day that produce sweat so most days I can go home with the same hair style that I created that morning. It isn't all about the hair as much as it is about being uncomfortable during each hot flash. I never new how debilitating they can be. I guess now I can say that the combination of COQ10 and Gabapentin are helping me quite a bit with my hot flashes. It is so nice to have a hot flash and while it is still uncomfortable it doesn't last as long and most of them do not produce sweat. I don't know how long they will stick around and I keep hoping that they will start to fade out but I don't think that will happen anytime soon since the Tamoxifen that I am on creates them as well as just plain being in menopause.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Goodbye Jake
I can't believe I am writing another post saying goodbye to another dog so soon.
My buddy Jake came into our lives shortly after we were married. We got him as a puppy in June of 2002. He was our first kid. We went through a lot with him from the potty training to his aggressiveness with other dogs. He was always so stubborn and head strong in the beginning. He also had a ton of energy which labs usually have. We took him everywhere with us and Jeff was excited to have a hunting buddy, however Jake had a mind of his own and rather than retrieving ducks he would rather just jump in the water and swim. There was no way of getting him out until he was tired. He was the only kid until 9 months later when we adopted Abby from the shelter. These two dogs meant the world to us. They were together most of their lives so it is fitting that they both left this earth within two months of each other.
Jake loved to go camping and most of all swimming. In fact when I was first pregnant with Kaci we were camping and decided to go to the lake to go fishing and then eventually let the dogs swim. Right when we got there I was holding Jake's leash and we were on a hill. He started circling around me and hog tied me at the knees and I fell down. I had to unlatch him so that I could get up and in the water he went and he swam and swam. I was nervous about him drowning but there wasn't anything we could do. I know the guys fishing in the boat next to him didn't appreciate him but all we could do was laugh and wait for him to come back.
He was such a happy soul. He was always smiling and wagging his tail. He was hyper until he turned about 9 years old and then he settled down. He was truly my best friend. He was my shadow and followed me everywhere. Even during his last days if I got up for some reason so did he. He wouldn't let me out of his sight.
Jake was also there with me during my darkest hours while undergoing chemo treatments. There were many days I just couldn't take it anymore and would retreat to the master bedroom closet and lay on the floor and just cry. Jake was always in there with me. He would just paw at me and give my lots of slobbery kisses. He really did make me feel better with the love he was giving me.
Shortly after Halloween day when we had to put Abby down, we were in cleaning Kaci's room and we had piles of stuff both little things and big things and he started gagging and I thought maybe he had eaten something and was choking but then it passed. A little while later that same day he started drooling out of the one side of his mouth and I thought it was odd because he wasn't a dog who drools. The next week he did the gagging episode again and Jeff looked in his mouth and his back teeth were a little bit black so I decided to make an appointment with the vet to get his teeth cleaned and pulled if needed. Even though he was over 13-1/2 years old I couldn't leave him in pain so I figured the risk of anesthesia was worth the risk to make him feel better. I made a dental appointment for Wednesday, November 25th but they wanted me to come in on Tuesday just to look at everything prior to. Little did I know he would be diagnosed with a form of oral cancer. I was told by the doctor that there wasn't anything they could do especially at his age. He said he could remove it but it would be very painful for Jake and he might not make it through surgery but the cancer would grow back. He said it is one of three kinds of oral cancer but most likely oral melanoma due to its appearance. It was about the size of a dime and very black. It was under his tongue right next to the teeth that were turning black. The doctor said it wouldn't be long and this cancer would take his life. In fact by the time most people find these cancers in their pets they have usually metastasized to other locations within their bodies. They sent me home with some strong pain pills and told me to just watch him and I would know when it was time. My only hope was making it through Christmas but that was not a guarantee.
Jake continued drooling but the drool started to be tainted with blood. His breath got really bad which is another sign of malignant oral melanoma. He also from time to time would squint his eyes in pain but for the most part he was his smiley self. I would clean up his face and his paws from all the bloody drool. It bothered him so much that he would spend a long time licking them clean but it got so bad towards the end that he didn't take care of the mess himself. I didn't mind getting out the baby wipes and giving him a sponge bath. He was my baby and after all he did for me I knew it was my turn to take care of him.
In early December we noticed he wasn't drinking water anymore. Everyday I would take a syringe and squirt water into his mouth. He would also go outside and eat the snow. At every feeding I would put water into his food so he got moisture that way also. I did resort to feeding him canned food so it was softer and hopefully less painful on this mouth.
About two weeks before Christmas I gave him a toy just in case he didn't make it until Christmas. I am so glad I did. He played with that toy for a long time and enjoyed ripping it up. On Christmas Eve we let him open his traditional tennis balls and he went crazy. He loved playing ball for hours on end on Christmas only this year he only got to play with them for less than 5 minutes. His mouth started bleeding quite heavily. The balls were covered in blood and I could see that they were causing him pain so I had to take them away. On Christmas morning he wanted to help Kaci open her presents, the dog loves Christmas and loves opening presents. This has been a struggle every single year, in fact we had to block him out of the family room every year. This year however, I just let him stay in there with us and made him lay down and put the boxes and paper all around him. He was bleeding but I let him have fun. He didn't do to much with the paper because it hurt so bad. Our family came over later that day and I asked them for their opinion. It was hard to know what to do because being around him every day I may have dismissed just how bad he was suffering. They all agreed that it was probably time.
The Monday after Christmas Kaci had her tonsils out and Jake seemed to be okay just as he had been. I was still squirting water into his mouth each day but noticed that most of it was coming out. The tumor was growing and his tongue was pushed to the side but it still did not stop him from eating. He was eating his food okay but I know it was painful as he was slowing down quite a bit. I decided to spoil him with canned dog food for the past month and a half so it didn't hurt him as bad.
On New Years day I noticed it took him a very long time to eat his food and when I gave him his drink most of the water I put in his mouth came out. I decided to measure what went in and what fell out and he wasn't getting much at all. Then he started puffing like he does and I was able to get a good glimpse of his jaw and the tumor and I was amazed at how large that tumor had grown. It had also invaded his jaw bone like the doctor said it would. His jaw bone was so red and swollen and the black teeth that we once saw were now encompassed by the tumor and it was moving forward and taking another tooth. I saw how his tongue was literally pushed to the side and it made sense why he couldn't drink let alone keep any of the water in his mouth to swallow. I decided right then and there that we would take him in on Saturday the 2nd and have him put to sleep. We ended up going to a movie that night because we had been trapped in our house since Monday with Kaci and just needed to get out. We came home right after and all of us spend time telling Jaker Maker goodbye. We cried and cried and told him what a good dog he has been all of these years. Even though he was completely deaf I know he still heard us. I decided to lay on the floor next to him on his bed and hold his paw for a while that night. I also woke up early and did the same thing. I waited until the vet opened at 8:00AM and called for the appointment. I was given at 10:15 appointment and that was all they had as they were squeezing us in. I then took him out to the kitchen to give him his last meal. I was going to feel him extra but I saw how much he was struggling with his normal amount that I decided against it. I then spend the rest of the time with him. Telling him again how much I loved him and thanked him for his friendship all of those years.
It was getting close to the time we needed to leave and when I took him to the car he started shaking. He was always so nervous on car rides that for many years we only took him when we went camping or to the vet. We never put him through car rides for any other reason. I rode in the back seat with him and when we got to the office I went in by myself to pay for everything while Jeff, Kaci, Jake and our other dog Ely waited in the car. When it was time I came out to get them and we walked into that same room where Abby died only 2 months ago. I asked for a blanket for him to lay on. I sat over the top of him and held his head in my one arm while the other arm was wrapped underneath him. He was so scared and shaking so bad, it was awful but I also knew it would be over very soon and then none of this would matter to him anymore. They injected the sleepy medicine first and I felt him relax and then they injected the medicine to stop his heart. The vein in his leg collapsed and they didn't get enough medicine in to stop his heart so they had to put it in the other leg. It was okay though because he was sedated and it was still a very peaceful process. I felt his release when his heart stopped and knowing that he could run as fast as he could without any pain, he could see and hear again and most of all that ugly monster in his mouth would be no more. I can only imagine his and Abby's reunion as well as his best buddy Harley's (our friends dog who passed a few years before). I imagine that the first thing he did was go get a huge drink of water and then jump in the lake to swim.
I know I will see my babies again someday. I am so thankful for their friendship and unconditional love over the years. I am also so glad for this last "bonus" year. I call it a bonus year because I know they could have gone while I was undergoing my cancer treatments. Each day in my prayers I would ask to be able to keep my babies while I went through everything. I cannot imagine having to go through losing them when I was at my very worst. I am so thankful for this past summer with them too. We had such a good time camping and making memories to last a lifetime. I feel in my heart that everything happened perfectly with them. The timing was just right. I miss them so very much and I would give anything to have them back in my life and healthy again. I know time will help heal my broken heart but I will never forget them. When I die I want them to be the first faces I see. They were my children and people that don't have animals would never understand. Those of you that do understand perfectly. I am such an animal lover and will do anything and everything to help an animal in need. It is my passion.
My buddy Jake came into our lives shortly after we were married. We got him as a puppy in June of 2002. He was our first kid. We went through a lot with him from the potty training to his aggressiveness with other dogs. He was always so stubborn and head strong in the beginning. He also had a ton of energy which labs usually have. We took him everywhere with us and Jeff was excited to have a hunting buddy, however Jake had a mind of his own and rather than retrieving ducks he would rather just jump in the water and swim. There was no way of getting him out until he was tired. He was the only kid until 9 months later when we adopted Abby from the shelter. These two dogs meant the world to us. They were together most of their lives so it is fitting that they both left this earth within two months of each other.
Jake loved to go camping and most of all swimming. In fact when I was first pregnant with Kaci we were camping and decided to go to the lake to go fishing and then eventually let the dogs swim. Right when we got there I was holding Jake's leash and we were on a hill. He started circling around me and hog tied me at the knees and I fell down. I had to unlatch him so that I could get up and in the water he went and he swam and swam. I was nervous about him drowning but there wasn't anything we could do. I know the guys fishing in the boat next to him didn't appreciate him but all we could do was laugh and wait for him to come back.
He was such a happy soul. He was always smiling and wagging his tail. He was hyper until he turned about 9 years old and then he settled down. He was truly my best friend. He was my shadow and followed me everywhere. Even during his last days if I got up for some reason so did he. He wouldn't let me out of his sight.
Jake was also there with me during my darkest hours while undergoing chemo treatments. There were many days I just couldn't take it anymore and would retreat to the master bedroom closet and lay on the floor and just cry. Jake was always in there with me. He would just paw at me and give my lots of slobbery kisses. He really did make me feel better with the love he was giving me.
Shortly after Halloween day when we had to put Abby down, we were in cleaning Kaci's room and we had piles of stuff both little things and big things and he started gagging and I thought maybe he had eaten something and was choking but then it passed. A little while later that same day he started drooling out of the one side of his mouth and I thought it was odd because he wasn't a dog who drools. The next week he did the gagging episode again and Jeff looked in his mouth and his back teeth were a little bit black so I decided to make an appointment with the vet to get his teeth cleaned and pulled if needed. Even though he was over 13-1/2 years old I couldn't leave him in pain so I figured the risk of anesthesia was worth the risk to make him feel better. I made a dental appointment for Wednesday, November 25th but they wanted me to come in on Tuesday just to look at everything prior to. Little did I know he would be diagnosed with a form of oral cancer. I was told by the doctor that there wasn't anything they could do especially at his age. He said he could remove it but it would be very painful for Jake and he might not make it through surgery but the cancer would grow back. He said it is one of three kinds of oral cancer but most likely oral melanoma due to its appearance. It was about the size of a dime and very black. It was under his tongue right next to the teeth that were turning black. The doctor said it wouldn't be long and this cancer would take his life. In fact by the time most people find these cancers in their pets they have usually metastasized to other locations within their bodies. They sent me home with some strong pain pills and told me to just watch him and I would know when it was time. My only hope was making it through Christmas but that was not a guarantee.
Jake continued drooling but the drool started to be tainted with blood. His breath got really bad which is another sign of malignant oral melanoma. He also from time to time would squint his eyes in pain but for the most part he was his smiley self. I would clean up his face and his paws from all the bloody drool. It bothered him so much that he would spend a long time licking them clean but it got so bad towards the end that he didn't take care of the mess himself. I didn't mind getting out the baby wipes and giving him a sponge bath. He was my baby and after all he did for me I knew it was my turn to take care of him.
In early December we noticed he wasn't drinking water anymore. Everyday I would take a syringe and squirt water into his mouth. He would also go outside and eat the snow. At every feeding I would put water into his food so he got moisture that way also. I did resort to feeding him canned food so it was softer and hopefully less painful on this mouth.
About two weeks before Christmas I gave him a toy just in case he didn't make it until Christmas. I am so glad I did. He played with that toy for a long time and enjoyed ripping it up. On Christmas Eve we let him open his traditional tennis balls and he went crazy. He loved playing ball for hours on end on Christmas only this year he only got to play with them for less than 5 minutes. His mouth started bleeding quite heavily. The balls were covered in blood and I could see that they were causing him pain so I had to take them away. On Christmas morning he wanted to help Kaci open her presents, the dog loves Christmas and loves opening presents. This has been a struggle every single year, in fact we had to block him out of the family room every year. This year however, I just let him stay in there with us and made him lay down and put the boxes and paper all around him. He was bleeding but I let him have fun. He didn't do to much with the paper because it hurt so bad. Our family came over later that day and I asked them for their opinion. It was hard to know what to do because being around him every day I may have dismissed just how bad he was suffering. They all agreed that it was probably time.
The Monday after Christmas Kaci had her tonsils out and Jake seemed to be okay just as he had been. I was still squirting water into his mouth each day but noticed that most of it was coming out. The tumor was growing and his tongue was pushed to the side but it still did not stop him from eating. He was eating his food okay but I know it was painful as he was slowing down quite a bit. I decided to spoil him with canned dog food for the past month and a half so it didn't hurt him as bad.
On New Years day I noticed it took him a very long time to eat his food and when I gave him his drink most of the water I put in his mouth came out. I decided to measure what went in and what fell out and he wasn't getting much at all. Then he started puffing like he does and I was able to get a good glimpse of his jaw and the tumor and I was amazed at how large that tumor had grown. It had also invaded his jaw bone like the doctor said it would. His jaw bone was so red and swollen and the black teeth that we once saw were now encompassed by the tumor and it was moving forward and taking another tooth. I saw how his tongue was literally pushed to the side and it made sense why he couldn't drink let alone keep any of the water in his mouth to swallow. I decided right then and there that we would take him in on Saturday the 2nd and have him put to sleep. We ended up going to a movie that night because we had been trapped in our house since Monday with Kaci and just needed to get out. We came home right after and all of us spend time telling Jaker Maker goodbye. We cried and cried and told him what a good dog he has been all of these years. Even though he was completely deaf I know he still heard us. I decided to lay on the floor next to him on his bed and hold his paw for a while that night. I also woke up early and did the same thing. I waited until the vet opened at 8:00AM and called for the appointment. I was given at 10:15 appointment and that was all they had as they were squeezing us in. I then took him out to the kitchen to give him his last meal. I was going to feel him extra but I saw how much he was struggling with his normal amount that I decided against it. I then spend the rest of the time with him. Telling him again how much I loved him and thanked him for his friendship all of those years.
It was getting close to the time we needed to leave and when I took him to the car he started shaking. He was always so nervous on car rides that for many years we only took him when we went camping or to the vet. We never put him through car rides for any other reason. I rode in the back seat with him and when we got to the office I went in by myself to pay for everything while Jeff, Kaci, Jake and our other dog Ely waited in the car. When it was time I came out to get them and we walked into that same room where Abby died only 2 months ago. I asked for a blanket for him to lay on. I sat over the top of him and held his head in my one arm while the other arm was wrapped underneath him. He was so scared and shaking so bad, it was awful but I also knew it would be over very soon and then none of this would matter to him anymore. They injected the sleepy medicine first and I felt him relax and then they injected the medicine to stop his heart. The vein in his leg collapsed and they didn't get enough medicine in to stop his heart so they had to put it in the other leg. It was okay though because he was sedated and it was still a very peaceful process. I felt his release when his heart stopped and knowing that he could run as fast as he could without any pain, he could see and hear again and most of all that ugly monster in his mouth would be no more. I can only imagine his and Abby's reunion as well as his best buddy Harley's (our friends dog who passed a few years before). I imagine that the first thing he did was go get a huge drink of water and then jump in the lake to swim.
I know I will see my babies again someday. I am so thankful for their friendship and unconditional love over the years. I am also so glad for this last "bonus" year. I call it a bonus year because I know they could have gone while I was undergoing my cancer treatments. Each day in my prayers I would ask to be able to keep my babies while I went through everything. I cannot imagine having to go through losing them when I was at my very worst. I am so thankful for this past summer with them too. We had such a good time camping and making memories to last a lifetime. I feel in my heart that everything happened perfectly with them. The timing was just right. I miss them so very much and I would give anything to have them back in my life and healthy again. I know time will help heal my broken heart but I will never forget them. When I die I want them to be the first faces I see. They were my children and people that don't have animals would never understand. Those of you that do understand perfectly. I am such an animal lover and will do anything and everything to help an animal in need. It is my passion.
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| Our new baby Jake 2002 |
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| He grew so fast |
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| Jakers loved to play in the water and mud |
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| He was such a beautiful boy, he should have been a calendar model |
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| In his younger years this was one of his favorite activities |
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| With his sister Abby, these two were best friends |
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| Jakey laughing at something! |
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| Hanging out with his human sister. We had to watch him close, he was not as gentle as Abby. |
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| 2014 at Grand Teton National Park. He had his hair shaved this summer. |
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| With his other sister Ely in 2015. He was such a good big brother. |
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| 2015 Christmas Day. It wasn't the same this year knowing he was leaving us soon and not feeling good. |
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| Kaci saying goodbye. It was so hard to say goodbye but we knew we couldn't leave him suffering any longer. |
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