I had to wait all weekend to find out that this mass is benign. I don't know exactly what it is until I see my doctor tomorrow, but for now I am sooooo happy!!!!!! Thank you to everybody who saw my posts on Facebook for your prayers and words of encouragement, it means a lot to me.
Update: August 4, 2015. Today I met with my surgeon. She examined me and said that the mass feels smaller and I have to agree. Why? We don't know. Either way she said both herself and the radiologist feel 100% confident that this is nothing more than scar tissue. I feel better about it all now that I met with her. I will go back in 3 months for another check up unless of course I feel it changing. I walked away, finally with good news. Throughout my entire journey things always got worse with each biopsy, surgery and appointment. I am so happy right now, I can't stand it!!!!
Monday, August 3, 2015
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
New Lump
Today I had an appointment with my surgeon Dr. Grunander. I found a lump in my armpit area. I found it a couple of weeks ago and as hard as I tried to just forget about it, I couldn't. She examined it and said it may be scar tissue but she wanted an ultrasound done. After a few minutes they came and got us and took us to the ultrasound room. Lisa the tech had a hard time getting an image so that they could measure it. Dr. Stevenson came in and between the both of them they got something to show up on the machine. He wanted to do a biopsy just to be sure. I had to go through that whole experience again with the numbing shot, the needle to draw out cells and what sounds and feels like a staple gun that clips away tissue. This time I had Jeff and Kaci with me and I was much more calm. I am a lot tougher now than I was that first time for sure. Now I have to wait for pathology. I talked to Jen, Dr. Grunander's nurse and she said she might have it back by Friday and Dr. Grunander told her she could give me the results over the phone. I am anxiously waiting to find out the results. For some reason in my heart I just feel that it is going to be nothing. I have been praying super hard for this to turn out good but I also know that God has a plan for me and what will be will be. I know some people don't believe that way but I do and it helps me get through all of my life's trials.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Tamoxifen and how I am feeling almost 16 weeks post chemo
I started Tamoxifen a month ago today. It is an estrogen blocker and since my cancer was 100% estrogen positive, I really don't have a choice, I must use this drug to help prevent the cancer from coming back.
I had a couple of options. I could take Tamoxifen and see how I handle it, however if I am in permanent menopause then I will need to switch to an aromatase inhibitor drug. If my period does not return after a year of being done with chemo then I am in permanent menopause brought on by chemo. The aromatase inhibitor drugs are harder on the joints but are used in post menopausal women to help prevent a re-occurrence. Or I could have had my ovaries suppressed with a shot every three months or opt for permanent ovary removal and take the aromatase inhibitor drugs that might give me an even better chance of survival. Just when you think you are done with breast cancer treatments you are not! These drugs are taken for a period of 10 years and diminish your quality of life, however they might extend your life. So what do you do?
Right now being on Tamoxifen I haven't noticed too many side effects. I still get my regular hot flashes. I felt that Effexor wasn't doing anything for the hot flashes so I went off of it right at the time I started Tamoxifen. This was not advised by my doctor but the more I read up on Effexor the more scared I got. I have put on 20lbs since March and my doctor said that is normal since chemo does shut your system down and your hormones are out of wack. I think the weight gain was from Effexor because I had not gained weight up until the point I started Effexor. My period stopped and I got hot flashes immediately after my first dose of AC chemo so I would think I would have started gaining weight right away with the shutdown of my system. I was able to eat just fine throughout chemo. I am not one to take any sort of medication unless absolutely necessary so that is why I decided to stop Effexor. The hot flashes are terrible but I think I am getting more used to them and to the lack of sleep because of them. The other side effect that I have now that I am on Tamoxifen is cold chills. These are strange in the way that they make me shaky and extremely cold until they pass. These are just as bad as the hot flashes in a different kind of way. I also find that I get short tempered with things that normally would not have gotten me so worked up. I am trying to work on that, I don't like being grouchy! As far as my mood, I still feel super positive and am not depressed at all. I could be depressed but I chose to just live in the moment and not look to far into the future. I also don't let the scars, weight gain or my short boy haircut get to me even though I hate all of them. I am just happy to be alive right now. My scars won't go anywhere, maybe some of the weight will come off and my hair will grow. I try not to obsess about these things because when I die and go to Heaven I will be perfect and none of this will matter. I do not want these negative things to affect my quality of life that I have left.
I will stay on Tamoxifen and try and finish out my 10 years unless my doctor wants to switch me to the other drugs. I don't feel like Tamoxifen is diminishing my quality of life too much. I think my hot flashes are here to stay so therefore there is no need to go off of Tamoxifen.
This may all change the longer I am on the drug and if it does and I feel like my quality of life is diminished them I might chose to stop taking it. It isn't so hard taking it when I look at my family. I want to be there with them, I don't want to leave this life anytime soon. But of course it is not up to me.
One thing that I am experiencing right now is a lot of leg and foot pain. I am sore when I try and stand up from sitting too long or get out of bed in the morning. This all started after I finished chemo but prior to starting Tamoxifen. I have not discussed it with my doctor yet because it started after my appointment I had with him in May. From what I gather on the internet (not good, I know) I believe it is post chemo rheumatism (joint pain). I feel like I walk like an old lady these days. I don't know if it will go away eventually or not. Right now I just deal with the pain and will talk it over with my doctor when I go back the middle of August for a follow up.
As far as everything else goes my energy level is back to normal. I feel great and I am up for anything. I don't want life to pass by without experiencing everything I can. Before I used to pass up things because I was tired or wanted to take a nap, now if something is going on, I am all over it. We have been super busy since summer started. Since memorial day we have been camping every weekend except one. We still have 4 more weekends left at Sourdough (our camping lot in the mountains) then we will go on a 10 day RV Trip journey to Bear Lake, Grand Teton National Park and West Yellowstone. I am so excited for the camping trips I have left. We might even have more if we chose to put our trailer back up on Sourdough. We will decide that when we get home from the RV trip.
I had a couple of options. I could take Tamoxifen and see how I handle it, however if I am in permanent menopause then I will need to switch to an aromatase inhibitor drug. If my period does not return after a year of being done with chemo then I am in permanent menopause brought on by chemo. The aromatase inhibitor drugs are harder on the joints but are used in post menopausal women to help prevent a re-occurrence. Or I could have had my ovaries suppressed with a shot every three months or opt for permanent ovary removal and take the aromatase inhibitor drugs that might give me an even better chance of survival. Just when you think you are done with breast cancer treatments you are not! These drugs are taken for a period of 10 years and diminish your quality of life, however they might extend your life. So what do you do?
Right now being on Tamoxifen I haven't noticed too many side effects. I still get my regular hot flashes. I felt that Effexor wasn't doing anything for the hot flashes so I went off of it right at the time I started Tamoxifen. This was not advised by my doctor but the more I read up on Effexor the more scared I got. I have put on 20lbs since March and my doctor said that is normal since chemo does shut your system down and your hormones are out of wack. I think the weight gain was from Effexor because I had not gained weight up until the point I started Effexor. My period stopped and I got hot flashes immediately after my first dose of AC chemo so I would think I would have started gaining weight right away with the shutdown of my system. I was able to eat just fine throughout chemo. I am not one to take any sort of medication unless absolutely necessary so that is why I decided to stop Effexor. The hot flashes are terrible but I think I am getting more used to them and to the lack of sleep because of them. The other side effect that I have now that I am on Tamoxifen is cold chills. These are strange in the way that they make me shaky and extremely cold until they pass. These are just as bad as the hot flashes in a different kind of way. I also find that I get short tempered with things that normally would not have gotten me so worked up. I am trying to work on that, I don't like being grouchy! As far as my mood, I still feel super positive and am not depressed at all. I could be depressed but I chose to just live in the moment and not look to far into the future. I also don't let the scars, weight gain or my short boy haircut get to me even though I hate all of them. I am just happy to be alive right now. My scars won't go anywhere, maybe some of the weight will come off and my hair will grow. I try not to obsess about these things because when I die and go to Heaven I will be perfect and none of this will matter. I do not want these negative things to affect my quality of life that I have left.
I will stay on Tamoxifen and try and finish out my 10 years unless my doctor wants to switch me to the other drugs. I don't feel like Tamoxifen is diminishing my quality of life too much. I think my hot flashes are here to stay so therefore there is no need to go off of Tamoxifen.
This may all change the longer I am on the drug and if it does and I feel like my quality of life is diminished them I might chose to stop taking it. It isn't so hard taking it when I look at my family. I want to be there with them, I don't want to leave this life anytime soon. But of course it is not up to me.
One thing that I am experiencing right now is a lot of leg and foot pain. I am sore when I try and stand up from sitting too long or get out of bed in the morning. This all started after I finished chemo but prior to starting Tamoxifen. I have not discussed it with my doctor yet because it started after my appointment I had with him in May. From what I gather on the internet (not good, I know) I believe it is post chemo rheumatism (joint pain). I feel like I walk like an old lady these days. I don't know if it will go away eventually or not. Right now I just deal with the pain and will talk it over with my doctor when I go back the middle of August for a follow up.
As far as everything else goes my energy level is back to normal. I feel great and I am up for anything. I don't want life to pass by without experiencing everything I can. Before I used to pass up things because I was tired or wanted to take a nap, now if something is going on, I am all over it. We have been super busy since summer started. Since memorial day we have been camping every weekend except one. We still have 4 more weekends left at Sourdough (our camping lot in the mountains) then we will go on a 10 day RV Trip journey to Bear Lake, Grand Teton National Park and West Yellowstone. I am so excited for the camping trips I have left. We might even have more if we chose to put our trailer back up on Sourdough. We will decide that when we get home from the RV trip.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
A Letter to My Cancer by author Ginger Johnson
A Letter to My Cancer:
It may seem like you have control in my life right now,
but you really don't.
Your presence only makes me stronger, braver,
kinder, wiser.
I choose how I think what I speak and how I love.
You will never be able to touch those things.
Never.
The fear of your name no longer haunts my soul
because I know that my soul belongs to me and to God.
You may take your claim on this frail outer shell
but never on my divine spirit that cried out
"I am not my body".
My soul will run, leap and tower over your attempts
to pull me down into despair.
Those who surround me will fight with me
to let it be known that we will not surrender.
Our hearts and souls are tied together in a lasting bond
that no amount of your impeding growth can break.
You see cancer, you do NOT own me.
I own myself.
And I will survive.
It may seem like you have control in my life right now,
but you really don't.
Your presence only makes me stronger, braver,
kinder, wiser.
I choose how I think what I speak and how I love.
You will never be able to touch those things.
Never.
The fear of your name no longer haunts my soul
because I know that my soul belongs to me and to God.
You may take your claim on this frail outer shell
but never on my divine spirit that cried out
"I am not my body".
My soul will run, leap and tower over your attempts
to pull me down into despair.
Those who surround me will fight with me
to let it be known that we will not surrender.
Our hearts and souls are tied together in a lasting bond
that no amount of your impeding growth can break.
You see cancer, you do NOT own me.
I own myself.
And I will survive.
By Ginger Johnson. Founder. HappyChemo.com
Thursday, June 25, 2015
No more wig!
I am so excited to announce that I no longer wear my wig! I am so proud of myself. I prayed long and hard for the courage to ditch the wig. Some might not think it is so hard but it is hard when you look entirely different without it. So the last day that I wore it was Thursday, June 18th. That was also the day we left for our weekend getaway ATV trip to Fillmore, Utah. I never wear my hair camping anyway so the weekend wasn't a big deal. I even forwent a hat when we went to dinner at Costa Vida during the trip. I just didn't care, I figured nobody would know me anyway since I was three hours from home.
When we got home on Sunday I was creating anxiety for myself about Monday and if I should wear my hair or not. I knew that on Monday night my best friend Heather was going to trim up my neckline to make my new style look like a style. Waking up on Monday morning I still did not know what I was going to do. I grabbed the wig to put it on and decided right then and there that I am done! I tucked it away in the closest and off I went. As I was kissing Jeff goodbye while he was still sleeping bed, I told him that I wasn't wearing my hair or a hat today. He called me when he woke up and asked if I decided to wear it because it wasn't in the bathroom hanging up like it usually is. I told him that I put it away forever!!! That night when he got home from work he told me that he was talking to his boss and he told her how proud he was of me for going without my hair. Gosh, I love my husband, he is so supportive of me. Even last week when I met with some vendors I went on and on about how much I love my husband and how I picked the right guy to marry over 13 years ago.
The hair thing has been the hardest part so far from the moment I shaved my head to wearing my wig out in public for the first time to now, not wearing my wig at all with my super short boy haircut. Each day that goes by this week the stronger I get and more I really don't care if people stare at me and wonder why my hair is so short. It feels good to just be me! It is also approaching 100 degrees every day and it is so nice to not wear it and be so sweaty. There isn't much I can do with my new style other than to get out of the shower and just comb down the sides and back. The top does what it wants and it is shaping itself into a mow-hawk. I figure I will just go with it and let my hair decide the style it wants to be for now. I don't think I will ever fight with my hair again, I am just glad to have hair and for it to be growing in brown and not gray. I almost think it is darker than before. I love feeling my hair it is so soft and such a different texture than my wig. It is growing fast and sometimes it grows over night. Yesterday when I got up it was longer than it was the day before, I even got out the blow dryer to help the style a little bit and when I got to work Terry told me that she thought it looked like I had more hair on top than I did the day before. I am so glad she said that because at first I thought I might be dreaming!
When we got home on Sunday I was creating anxiety for myself about Monday and if I should wear my hair or not. I knew that on Monday night my best friend Heather was going to trim up my neckline to make my new style look like a style. Waking up on Monday morning I still did not know what I was going to do. I grabbed the wig to put it on and decided right then and there that I am done! I tucked it away in the closest and off I went. As I was kissing Jeff goodbye while he was still sleeping bed, I told him that I wasn't wearing my hair or a hat today. He called me when he woke up and asked if I decided to wear it because it wasn't in the bathroom hanging up like it usually is. I told him that I put it away forever!!! That night when he got home from work he told me that he was talking to his boss and he told her how proud he was of me for going without my hair. Gosh, I love my husband, he is so supportive of me. Even last week when I met with some vendors I went on and on about how much I love my husband and how I picked the right guy to marry over 13 years ago.
The hair thing has been the hardest part so far from the moment I shaved my head to wearing my wig out in public for the first time to now, not wearing my wig at all with my super short boy haircut. Each day that goes by this week the stronger I get and more I really don't care if people stare at me and wonder why my hair is so short. It feels good to just be me! It is also approaching 100 degrees every day and it is so nice to not wear it and be so sweaty. There isn't much I can do with my new style other than to get out of the shower and just comb down the sides and back. The top does what it wants and it is shaping itself into a mow-hawk. I figure I will just go with it and let my hair decide the style it wants to be for now. I don't think I will ever fight with my hair again, I am just glad to have hair and for it to be growing in brown and not gray. I almost think it is darker than before. I love feeling my hair it is so soft and such a different texture than my wig. It is growing fast and sometimes it grows over night. Yesterday when I got up it was longer than it was the day before, I even got out the blow dryer to help the style a little bit and when I got to work Terry told me that she thought it looked like I had more hair on top than I did the day before. I am so glad she said that because at first I thought I might be dreaming!
Monday, June 22, 2015
Weekend Getaway!
This past weekend we headed down to Fillmore Utah to go 4-wheeling. This is the first getaway I have had in almost a year. We invited some friends from work to go with us and had the best time. We left Thursday afternoon and came home on Sunday. We took our trailer and stayed at the KOA. The mountains we rode in were so beautiful. I love having ATV's and being able to get deep into the mountains. Without them I would not be able to see how beautiful and breathtaking the mountains really are. This is the also the first time that I don't think I ever thought about cancer once. I felt completely normal and loved every second of it. I know the further away I get from the treatments and once my hair grows out to where I am comfortable, I know cancer will get further from my mind. I love feeling so good these days. I try and make the most of every day. I have told myself that this summer is going to be the best summer of my life. We have been camping the last four weeks prior to this trip up at our Sourdough lot. It has been enjoyable as well. We plan on taking our trailer back to our Sourdough lot and camping every weekend until our RV road trip that we have planned in August. There is just something about being in the mountains. You have no cares or worries in the world and it is completely peaceful.
Looking back to even a month ago when I was finishing up with the side effects of radiation I don't feel like any of it ever happened. I feel like it was all a dream. However I know it happened because I have scars and really short hair. I am also changed on the inside, I have a new appreciation for life and am living it to its fullest. Nobody knows when it is their time to die and you should never take a day for granted because it could be your last. I am living in the moment and not thinking to far into the future because I do not know what it holds. I also don't want to cause myself anxiety about the what ifs of future. As long as I feel good today I am going to make the most of it.
The one side effect that I have developed in the last month or so is pain in my hips, knees and ankles. I feel like an old person every time I get up out of bed or stand up from sitting. I looked it up online and I think it is post chemo rheumatism (joint pain). I do not want to go back to the doctor to ask for sure just in case it is bad news, but I really feel that this is what it is. All the symptoms I have relate to it being this. It sucks but I try to not think about it and just deal with it when it happens. I could have every reason in the world to be depressed but I am not! I refuse to let cancer take away my happiness. I heard a quote the other day that I just love. "Cancer is not a death sentence, but rather a life sentence, it pushes one to live."
Looking back to even a month ago when I was finishing up with the side effects of radiation I don't feel like any of it ever happened. I feel like it was all a dream. However I know it happened because I have scars and really short hair. I am also changed on the inside, I have a new appreciation for life and am living it to its fullest. Nobody knows when it is their time to die and you should never take a day for granted because it could be your last. I am living in the moment and not thinking to far into the future because I do not know what it holds. I also don't want to cause myself anxiety about the what ifs of future. As long as I feel good today I am going to make the most of it.
The one side effect that I have developed in the last month or so is pain in my hips, knees and ankles. I feel like an old person every time I get up out of bed or stand up from sitting. I looked it up online and I think it is post chemo rheumatism (joint pain). I do not want to go back to the doctor to ask for sure just in case it is bad news, but I really feel that this is what it is. All the symptoms I have relate to it being this. It sucks but I try to not think about it and just deal with it when it happens. I could have every reason in the world to be depressed but I am not! I refuse to let cancer take away my happiness. I heard a quote the other day that I just love. "Cancer is not a death sentence, but rather a life sentence, it pushes one to live."
Monday, June 1, 2015
Chemo port removal
Today I had my chemo port removed. I didn't want to have to deal with getting it flushed every 6-8 weeks and have the constant reminder of cancer. My oncologist said I could remove it whenever I wanted and that if I ever have to do chemo again we could use my arm or worst case scenario they could put it back in. Others recommend leaving it in for two years. Honestly I am ready to put this cancer journey behind me and start living. I have one more follow up with my radiation oncologist this month and then follow ups with my medical oncologist every three months for the next two years. After all I have been through I think going to the doctor once every three months will be a breeze.
Jeff and Kaci took me to the hospital this morning. We had to be at the hospital at 6:00AM and my surgery was scheduled for 7:30AM. I was hoping to be able to sleep in a little bit since I took the day off of work but I had to get up earlier than what I do on a work day. I was the first on the schedule and they were on time. When I woke up it was a little after 8:00AM. We left the hospital at 8:30AM and were home a little after 9:00AM (we had to stop and get some pool salt). It was a super easy procedure and I was not nervous at all. I guess that is what cancer does to a person. I came home and slept until about 1:00PM and took it easy for a while. Tonight I mowed the back lawn, got some wash done, finished getting the pool ready and vacuumed the house. I am a little sore but I am trying not to think about it and just keep going.
We asked if I could keep the chemo port as a souvenir. Dr. Megan said they just throw them away so she said we could have it. It is crazy that it was in my body and that is what delivered the hard core drugs throughout my system. The best part was it was purple.
My wounds from radiation healed up last Thursday, almost 2 weeks to the day I finished. That is exactly what Dr. Fisher said it would do. He said it will heal up fast and sure enough it did. Last Wednesday my back stopped oozing and felt better and then when I woke up on Thursday my armpit had healed. It is so weird that it can be all gross and oozing one day and the next all dried up and looking like nothing had happened. I have never had a wound heal like this one did. I am so glad it is all better. I still have some pain but it is definitely feeling a lot better. The skin where it was radiated feels so tight and it hurts to raise my arm up. I hope over time it will ease up.
I feel like today is the first day of the rest of my life. Now all the surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation are completed I can start living again. I don't know what my new normal will be but I will just take it one day at a time and make every day count. I will start the next course of my treatment, hormone therapy on June 15th. I am nervous to start Tamoxifen and I hoping that I don't have many side effects. I do not want it to diminish my quality of life.
What a loving and supportive family I have. I love these pictures because they show the end of "our journey". All of us have been through so much, both good and bad. I can't believe we have made it to the end.
Jeff and Kaci took me to the hospital this morning. We had to be at the hospital at 6:00AM and my surgery was scheduled for 7:30AM. I was hoping to be able to sleep in a little bit since I took the day off of work but I had to get up earlier than what I do on a work day. I was the first on the schedule and they were on time. When I woke up it was a little after 8:00AM. We left the hospital at 8:30AM and were home a little after 9:00AM (we had to stop and get some pool salt). It was a super easy procedure and I was not nervous at all. I guess that is what cancer does to a person. I came home and slept until about 1:00PM and took it easy for a while. Tonight I mowed the back lawn, got some wash done, finished getting the pool ready and vacuumed the house. I am a little sore but I am trying not to think about it and just keep going.
We asked if I could keep the chemo port as a souvenir. Dr. Megan said they just throw them away so she said we could have it. It is crazy that it was in my body and that is what delivered the hard core drugs throughout my system. The best part was it was purple.
My wounds from radiation healed up last Thursday, almost 2 weeks to the day I finished. That is exactly what Dr. Fisher said it would do. He said it will heal up fast and sure enough it did. Last Wednesday my back stopped oozing and felt better and then when I woke up on Thursday my armpit had healed. It is so weird that it can be all gross and oozing one day and the next all dried up and looking like nothing had happened. I have never had a wound heal like this one did. I am so glad it is all better. I still have some pain but it is definitely feeling a lot better. The skin where it was radiated feels so tight and it hurts to raise my arm up. I hope over time it will ease up.
I feel like today is the first day of the rest of my life. Now all the surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation are completed I can start living again. I don't know what my new normal will be but I will just take it one day at a time and make every day count. I will start the next course of my treatment, hormone therapy on June 15th. I am nervous to start Tamoxifen and I hoping that I don't have many side effects. I do not want it to diminish my quality of life.
What a loving and supportive family I have. I love these pictures because they show the end of "our journey". All of us have been through so much, both good and bad. I can't believe we have made it to the end.
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