Goodbye Abby

Today was such a beautiful, sunny warm fall Halloween day.  The sky was so blue with only a few high clouds and the smell of fall was in the air as I drove over to the vet clinic to send my sweet Abby girl to Heaven.    She was my black lab that I adopted from the animal shelter over 12 years ago.  She was approximately 13 years old.  She was such a special, gentle soul.  From the moment we got her we nursed her back to health as she was very sick.

She joined our little family as Jake's (yellow lab) new sister and our 2nd kid (dog).  She was literally perfect in every way.  She was gentle with everyone she met.  She was so in tune with our feelings and emotions.  In her younger years she was playful with Jake and didn't leave his side.  She never had an accident in the house.  She did however like to chew on wood and bones.  Our poor deck in our first house suffered a little bit from her but we overlooked it because we loved her so much.  She spent 2 years with us before we brought Kaci home from the hospital.  We tried to prepare our dog family as much as we could for our new arrival.  Jeff even took a blanket home from the hospital that Kaci had been wrapped in so they could smell it.  When we got home the next day Abby immediately bonded with Kaci.  We put Kaci on a blanket on the floor and Abby joined her (our favorite picture of the two of them).  We never had any fear or worry that Abby would hurt Kaci or step on her.  We knew Kaci was safe with Abby watching over her.  Jake on the other hand could not be in the house if Kaci was on the floor, he was a very rambunctious dog and still to this day doesn't understand personal space. 

Kaci was Abby's favorite sister, they hung out together all the time.  Abby had to put up with Kaci ordering her around and playing dress up all of these years.  She always did whatever Kaci wanted and I know she enjoyed the attention.

I am writing about Abby on my cancer blog because out of my three dogs she was really in tune with what was going on with me during my treatments.  The night we shaved my head it was Abby who noticed and kept starring at me.  I don't think she was starring because I looked so different, it was almost like she was saying she was so sorry I was having to go through something so hard.  After each chemo treatment she would sniff me more than usual.  I really feel that she knew what I was going through.  She was just giving me her love and letting me know that she was there for me.  I am so glad she waited until I was through my treatments to leave.  

After we returned from our trip to Disneyworld, the pet sitter informed me that Abby did not eat her food on Saturday morning.  We were home that afternoon and were not concerned because there was many days she would not eat.  As the week went on and she still refused to eat, it appeared she got weaker with each day.  She also kept hanging out in the family room with us and for the past couple of years she was mostly found on one of the beds.  She liked her alone time!  On Thursday Jeff called to tell me that he bought her some chicken nuggets from McDonalds and she wouldn't eat them.  When she refused the people food then we knew we had a problem.  He initially thought it might be her mouth and maybe she had an infected tooth or something.  I made a vet appointment for 4PM.  Jeff took Kaci to dance and then met us up there.  Her temperature was 105 degrees and she was very dehydrated.  The doctor said she needed to be hospitalized over night to hydrate her and see about getting the fever down with antibiotics.  In the meantime they drew her blood for her a full blood panel.  I had to take it down to their other clinic to be ran and then they called me within an hour.  When he called to told me that she was anemic and her platelet count was very low and she was at risk of hemorrhaging at any time.  He also said he took an x-ray of her spleen and noticed a mass that was pushing on her bowels.  He said it doesn't look good and the only thing they could do for her would be a plasma transfusion and even yet that would only buy her a few more days.  He recommended leaving her in the hospital to get hydrated and picking her up the next day.  He couldn't give us a time frame but said it would probably only be a few more days that we had left with her.  I picked her up on Friday afternoon with the instructions to feed her whatever I wanted and to say our goodbyes  I got her home with Kaci and my neice who were out of school that day and I went back to work.  Our plan was to spend the weekend with her and then decide the next week what day we would need to put her down or maybe she would pass at home.  When I got home from work our house smelled terrible.  I realized it was Abby.  Her stomach was grumbling constantly and she had really bad gas.  I almost wonder if it was her body shutting down.  She was also bleeding from the mouth and from the spot on her back where they took her blood.  Her platelet count was that low that her blood could not clot and we don't know what was going on in her mouth.  That night I told her everything that I wanted to say and told her it was okay to leave.  We all took our turns but when Jake who was sitting a little ways away from us started to cry, it broke our hearts.  I slid him closer to us and he licked her in the face over and over as if to say his goodbye's too.  Jeff slept with her that night on the living room floor since she needed out to go potty during the night.  We all woke up early today and agreed she lost the sparkle in her eyes.  Jeff and I decided that we would have her put down today.  I called the vet a little before 9:00AM and our appointment was set for 11:15AM.  After I called Abby needed out again to go potty.  She slipped on the tile on the way out which was unusual for her.  She made it down the deck stairs and went potty but on the way up the stairs she was out of breath and breathing really hard.  I had to carry her the rest of the way.  We fed her the canned dog food the vet gave us and some beef jerky, she scarfed it down and then needed out again.  When we let her out this time she made it out to go pee and then she started to poo and it was really runny and her back end fell down.  She tried to stand up and all 4 legs went out from under her.  She couldn't stand back up.  We all surrounded her and spent time with her outside.  She loved laying out in the sunshine anyway so we knew she was happy to lay there for a while on the grass.  After about a half hour I got her up just enough to walk to the downstairs basement door but when she saw the stairs she refused to go up.  I carried her upstairs and laid her on the couch until it was time to leave.  Jeff and Kaci drove Abby while Jake, Ely and I took the other car and left ahead of them so I could get into the vet to pay for everything.  They were so nice and let us stay in the car with her until it was time and came out and got us.  We were given a rather large room and all of us went into the room with me carrying Abby again, she could not stand up.  They had a blanket down for Abby and she laid down on that.  Jake joined her on the blanket and laid right beside her.  We all sat on the floor while Ely checked the place out and even barked a few times because she could hear dogs on the other side of the door.  That is not what we wanted, we wanted it very quiet and peaceful but Ely is still a kid and because she is part of our family we felt she needed to be there.  The doctor came in and told us how sorry he was and then injected the medicine into Abby.   We all had our hands on her so she didn't leave this world alone.  I had closed her eyes as it was being injected.  She went very fast and it was peaceful.  Afterwards the doctor said that we could take as much time with her as we wanted.  I was ready to go, I don't handle death that well but Jeff and Kaci wanted to stay longer.  I got Jake and Ely ready to go and Ely went over and sniffed Abby but Jake didn't.  I think he knows but he is very old too and senile and he gets really nervous at the vets office.  We went home while Kaci and Jeff spent more time with her.

I cannot believe she is gone.  I know I would not have her forever but when this day comes you are never prepared.  She was seriously our kid.  I would always say that I have 4 kids (one human kid and 3 canine kids).  We loved her so much and always loved telling her story of how we got her from the animal shelter.  She only had a couple of days left at the shelter before they would have euthanized her.  We literally saved her life and in return she saved ours. 

Goodbye my sweet Abby girl!  Jake won't be too far behind you.

2003 with Jake right after we adopted her

2004 with her daddy

2005 with her new sister Kaci

2006 with Kaci watching the rain out the window

2007 with Kaci ready for duck hunting

2008

2009 with Kaci at Sourdough

2010

2011 New Years Eve with the family

2012 4-wheeling with me

2013 with Jake and her new sister Ely

2014 at Goblin Valley

2015 playing dress up with Kaci

2015 October 30th

2015 Jake saying goodbye on October 30th

2015 Saying our final goodbye at the vet hospital

Disneyworld

We were able to take our trip to Disneyworld (October 16th-24th).  We had to wait a very long time to make this dream a reality.  Last year we had it all planned as a Christmas gift for our family.  We had to cancel less than 6 weeks out due to my diagnosis and starting chemo on the very week we were supposed to be gone.  It was so hard to have to call and beg the airlines to refund my tickets because I needed the money for my upcoming medical bills.  It took a lot of crying and begging but I got my money back on my non-refundable tickets.  I then had to call Disney to get the money back that was spent on park tickets but they were really good and I didn't need to go into a lot of detail.  Disney is awesome!  We had reserved a condo from a friend and it was easy to get that canceled.

We decided to take this trip in October rather than waiting until December.  I was nervous to wait any longer because I feel pretty good right now and I know how fast things can change, plus I didn't want to go at Christmas time because of what happened last year.  We stayed at a Disney resort so everything was done for us.  We didn't have to worry about transportation or how to get from the airport to the hotel, they took care of everything.

I was nervous at the airport because I didn't want to go through the full body scanners and if they were to ask me I know it is my right as a breast cancer survivor to tell them that I am not comfortable going through the scanner and they have to let me bypass it.  Lucky for me I didn't have to have that conversation on either flight.  I think since Kaci was by my side they just had us walk through the metal detector scanners.  I don't know what I would have done if they told me to walk through it.  I may have just walked through it and kept my head up high.  I am different and my body is different but I need to learn to deal with the new me and not be embarrassed by it.  I will get there one day but right now I am still dealing with my loss of body parts.

When I got on the airplane I had to wear my compression sleeve due to the lymph node removal.  I am at a high risk of developing lymph-edema.  I put it on and didn't think about the whole reason why I am wearing it and wondering if other people are looking at me and know why I am wearing it.  I didn't let my mind go there.  I was so excited for the trip I just didn't care.

We had such a great time and spent all 7 days in the parks walking mile and miles.  I felt like we saw it all and didn't miss out on anything.  My legs however gave me a great deal of pain each day.  My legs have hurt daily since I finished chemo and I didn't think that it would be 10 times worse on this trip due to all the walking.  I took a lot of pain pills just to get through the days.  It was also hard to be out in the heat and humidity.  I had hot flashes what felt like every 10 minutes.  I was constantly dripping in sweat.  My hair was also a curly mess the whole time.  The humidity, sweating and curly hair, oh my!!!!  There were only a few times I would look in the mirror in the restrooms but most of the time I would avoid them.

Regardless of the pain and being uncomfortable with the hot flashes I had the time of my life.  I love my family so much and we enjoyed spending time with them and making memories to last a lifetime.  While at the Magic Kingdom we did the Halloween party and we came home with 25lbs of candy from just the 4 of us.  I can't believe how much candy they give out!  I purposely didn't buy any Halloween candy because I knew we would have a lot of candy and I figure it is better to hand it out to the trick-or-treaters instead of eating it ourselves.   I felt like we were gone a lot longer than 8 nights and was really looking forward to coming home to the colder air and the animals.  I guess that is a good vacation when at the end of it you are ready to come home.

I sure hope that many more vacations are in my future, I just love to travel.

My first haircut almost 7 months post chemo

Yesterday I got my first haircut almost 7 months post chemo.  The back of my hair was looking more and more like a mullet with each passing day.  Brandie asked me how I wanted it cut and I told her to do what she thinks is best, I am no expert on short hair.  I have never had short hair.  She trimmed quite a bit of the curl off of the neckline and then blended it with the back of my hair.  She trimmed other areas that were a little uneven.  Then she blew it dry and used the flat iron to create a spiky/ messy look.  I loved it!  It was cut into an actual style for the fist time since I completed chemo.

Of course this morning when I was doing my hair I cannot come close to how cute she styled it.  The flat iron is still hard for me to use because my hair is still very short.  I came close though.  I was able to flatten out some of the curl but having the neckline curls cut off makes me feel so much more confident.  The neckline is where I had the super tight perm like curls and I seriously thought I had the look of an old lady hairstyle minus the gray.  The rest of my hair is almost more wavy than curly, I can handle that!

I honestly thought that the chemo curl would not happen to me and then it did!  Then I thought it would go away after 6 months like most peoples do and it didn't!  I might be the unlucky one or maybe the lucky one who gets to keep it forever.  I might not mind the curls once my hair grows out and some weight is put on it.  It might turn out to be a nice pretty curl.  Either way for now I really need to embrace the curl and refrain from using the blow dryer and flat iron on it every day.  Right now my hair is brand new with no damage at all and if I keep using the heat then we all know what will happen- split ends!!!!

Here is a picture from yesterday but it is a selfie and I don't do selfies much so I am not very good at them but you can get the idea.

My first breast cancer walk

This past Saturday (October 10, 2015) was the American Cancer Society, making strides against breast cancer walk at Liberty Park.  I registered a while ago online and shortly after a gal from the American Cancer Society called to invite me.  I wanted to attend because the American Cancer Society has been so good to me.  When I was first diagnosed I turned to them and met with a gal up at McKay Dee Hospital who also happened to be a daughter of a very good friend of ours (both Jeff and I worked with him in the past).  She gave me so many resources such as the Look Good Feel Better make up class that I was able to attend while going through treatment.  With that class I was given high quality make up as well as tips and tricks to do my make up without any eye lashes or eye brows.  Of course my eyes watered the whole time I was on chemo so makeup wasn't really an option for me during the course of my treatment but I have since enjoyed using all the makeup I was given.  They also gave me a brand new wig and numerous hats that they had.  I didn't end up wearing that wig because I found the one that I purchased was more like me.  My goal this winter is to get everything together and take it back to the American Cancer Society for someone else that might be able to use them.

When we arrived at Liberty Park I was so overwhelmed with emotion.  There was pink everywhere!  There was also a survivor tent where I was given a long sleeve "Survivor" t-shirt as well as a darling Halloween Craft.  They also had waters and the most delicious cupcakes ever.  I had tears in my eyes more than once on Saturday.  I could not believe how many people there were to support such a great cause.  I felt proud to be there as a survivor.  I didn't fund raise-this year because I was so busy having fun after my crappy past year but next year I am going to fund-raise like crazy.  The day was beautiful and weather was perfect.  The walk was 3.1 miles and we completed the entire thing.

Later that night Kaci went with her friend and Jeff and I were sitting down eating dinner when he said that he had tears in his eyes seeing some people in front of us at the walk that on shirts that said walking in memory of _____________.  He said I don't ever want to walk in memory of you, I want to walk with you!!!  It made me cry.  I saw those people with the shirts too and thought the same thing.  I always want to be out there walking with my family and supporting a great cause.  I love that my family joined me at this walk.  In fact it was them that was pushing me to go.  I kind of wanted to bag it after a crazy summer of being gone almost every weekend.  It sounded good to me to just stay home, sleep in and relax but Jeff kept saying I think we should go and Kaci wanted to go too and was upset when I was considering not going.  Overall, it was a great experience and one that I will support in the future.

Here are some pictures from the day.

1 year ago today I found my lump

Today marks 1 year since I was laying down in my bed and decided to check my breasts and found a rather large lump/mass in my right breast.  I remember that feeling I had when I found it and kept thinking it was not real but kept feeling it.  I had that sickening feeling in my stomach telling me something was not right.  I went to sleep and forgot about it for the night.   I tried to forget about the next day but would get that same feeling stomach every time I would think about it.  I would not tell anybody about it until the next day when I decided to tell Jeff and he encouraged me to call my doctor.  I am so thankful for him because I am not sure I would have called otherwise.  I was scared and did not want to know what it was but on the other hand I did want to know what it was (if that makes sense).

Today I am in a good place.  I am thankful that this is all behind me and I am not dwelling on the fact that 1 year ago today I found it.  I am thankful I found it and hopefully will be around for many more years since I decided to go forth with all the recommended treatments.  So today, I will celebrate my life and my future.  I will not let cancer get me down today!!!

How I feel about October- breast cancer awarness month

Here it is now October 1st, the start of breast cancer awareness month.  This is a day I have been dreading for quite some time.  I have had a lot of anxiety leading up to this day, not because it is breast cancer awareness month but because this is the month last year that my world turned upside down.

Last night I basically had a mental melt down.  I had so many things to do and with knowing that the next day was October 1st, it was too much to bear.  I ended up telling my family that I would not be making dinner and that I needed to go to my dark bedroom and lay down.  Kaci was so sweet and said that she would make dinner for us.  She made us mac and cheese, it was so very nice of her to give me a night off.

I keep telling my mind to stop it!  I don't want another day wasted on worrying about stupid breast cancer but it is hard and sometimes my mind does go down that road.  I have to stop myself and pray when these feelings overwhelm me.  I have some new pains in my chest area and also on the back of my shoulder and I think these are making my anxiety worse.  They have been there for about a month but I won't go get them checked out for two reasons.  Reason one being I had a few trips planed that I wanted to take without any additional stress, in case it is bad.  Reason two being, a huge trip to Disneyworld here shortly, the same trip I had to cancel last year due to my diagnosis.  I don't want anything to stop us from taking this trip to Disneyworld as it is mine and my family's reward for everything we have had to go through this past year.  My next doctor's appointment is in November so I may just wait until that time or I may decide to go once I have taken my trips.  I know it is crazy that these trips mean so much to me but they do.  After my treatments were done I had a list of all the things I wanted to do this year in case it is my last and after Disneyworld, then I have crossed them all off.  If things turn for the worse at least I am full filled in all the fun experiences I have had this last half of the year.  I have had a lot of medical bills this year as well as bills from my trips that I will have to get paid but right now I don't care about the money I just want my family to enjoy experiences and make lots of good memories. 

I have never paid much attention to October and breast cancer awareness and it is just a coincidence that I found my lump on October 6th of last year.  I would like to encourage everyone out there to do monthly breast exams, they are so important especially if you are under 40 and don't yet qualify to get a mammogram and even if you are over 40.  I found my lump from a self breast exam and I wish now I would have done them more often and maybe I would have found it sooner before it had time to grow so large and spread to my lymph nodes.

It breaks my heart to find out about someone else who is diagnosed with this terrible disease.  I like a lot of  breast cancer Facebook pages and when someone new posts on them I like to send them a private message telling them how sorry I am that they have been dealt this cancer card and that I am here for them if they have any questions and I in turn usually share my blog.  I know when I was first diagnosed I felt so alone and someone shared their blog with me (thank you Pamela Payne) and I knew right then and there that this is what I needed to do also.  Her blog literally saved me and made me feel like I wasn't alone.  I have so many new friends who have gone through or are going through treatments right now. I cherish their friendships and their drives to fight!  I don't know that I will get to meet any of them in person in this lifetime as they are scattered all over but they are very dear to me as we are bonded by this terrible disease. I have so many blog readers from all over the world now and while they do not comment I can only hope that I am out there helping them.  Helping others is what I am meant to do with my experience.  I am also so very grateful for the gals that reached out to me who are friends/acquaintances of my friends (Andrea, Holly and Ginger just to name a few) who shared their experiences with breast cancer with me along with my special aunt Karen who was also battling breast cancer at the same time.  We spent hours on the phone helping and supporting one another.  

Please if someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer the best thing you can do for them is to be there for them.  Always try and take time out of your busy day just to make a phone call, visit or test message them.  It is so hard to feel so alone and a great support team helps so much. 

Bring on October, I can do this!!!!