My side effects from my last treatment are gone with the exception of a little bit of numbness still in my fingertips. My doctor said that can last up to a year and in some people forever. With the little bit that I do have I don't expect it to linger too long.
This last round I started with side effects earlier than I did on the last three. Wednesday afternoon I started to get really tired and had a hard time concentrating so I left work around noon. I came home and slept and took it easy the rest of the night. I stayed home from work on Thursday and Friday and stayed in bed for most of the days. I had my usual leg pain and fatigue. Saturday morning Kaci had her first dance competition so I was awake at 5:45AM to get ready for that. I had it in my mind that Saturday I had to buck up and just get through the day no matter how I felt. I didn't sleep good Friday night so I was a little tired but we made it through the day. We had to be to Roy High at 8:15AM for her first performance at 9:00AM. After the performance we came back home with our family and made breakfast and then went back to the school at noon for her next performance at 1:45PM. We stayed until close to 5:00PM until the awards were done. Then we went to get something to eat and was home by 6:00PM. I was absolutely exhausted. I put on my comfy clothes and got into bed and watched TV until I fell asleep.
Today we had a family birthday party for Kaci, she is turning 10 tomorrow. We made it easy and had pizza, salad and breadsticks for dinner and then had an ice cream sundae bar for dessert. I am glad Kaci didn't want me to make dinner. Tomorrow for her birthday I plan on working a half day and then we are going to take her out to lunch and to Build a Bear workshop. We are finally going to use the gift cards that Jeff's friend at work gave us when I was first diagnosed. How thoughtful of them to consider Kaci during this hard time. She is so excited to finally get to spend them and what better of a day to do it than her birthday. It will be fun to spend the day with my little family.
I have taken it easy today after our super busy day yesterday. I did manage to get our laundry done and get our taxes filed. I knew this weekend was going to be crazy with everything we had going on and I stressed about it all week but now that it is over it really wasn't as bad and I imagined it and I was glad to actually feel pretty good this weekend. I know the tiredness is here to stay for a bit until all the drugs get out of my system. Some people recover after a year, others sooner. I don't have a lot of time to be tired and I just need to keep going.
Starting this week I will go back to work full-time. I am looking forward to getting back into my old routine. It has been 5 months since I worked full weeks consecutively. Of course I do not know yet what my schedule will be with radiation but either way I will be at work every day. I am looking forward to the summer and taking some vacation time off for long weekends camping at Sourdough and a week in August to hopefully go to the Tetons and Yellowstone.
I still can't believe that I am done with the chemo treatments and I didn't get sick once (Kaci was sick 3 times during my treatment). I feel like that had become my new normal and here I am thrown out there again to figure out yet another new normal. I am sure I will be saying this again once I start and end radiation. I guess my "new normal" will be once all the treatments are over and real life begins again. I know that my "new normal" will be wonderful. After everything I have learned going through this I see the beauty in absolutely everything. Life has perspective now and I have more compassion than I ever imagined was possible. I seriously love people. I find myself looking at others that I do not know and wondering what their story is about and wondering if they are suffering or going through hard times. I instantly love everybody that I look at. I realize that we really are all brothers and sisters and we should treat everybody with love and respect all the time. Life is beautiful and I am so thankful for this experience of breast cancer to make me realize all of these things. I wouldn't trade it for anything. You need to find the blessings even during the hard times because they are there.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Saturday, March 28, 2015
What I didn't know about chemo that I know now
There are so many things that I have learned about chemotherapy that I didn't know before until I went through it and of course most people won't go through all these side effects, I was the unlucky one:
I had no idea that chemo affects the outside of your body as well as the inside. I had numerous side effects that affected my face as if losing my hair wasn't enough. I had the rash on my face as well as shoulders, back and arms that wasn't so much as itchy as it was painful from the AC chemo. I had a huge sore that appeared out of nowhere on the inside of my nose but made the outside of my nose swell up and turn red. My eyes watered steady on AC that limited how much make up I could put on. My right eyelid swelled up so big that it was hard to see out of that eye. I had a urinary tract infection as well as painful urination. I have had hot flashes like no other that affect my sleep. I have had sore throats with my tonsils covered in white pus that hurt so bad to swallow that has affected how much I could eat and there were times I would spit out my saliva just so I didn't have to swallow it. I had been congested and had a deep cough throughout AC, it is like having a cold that doesn't go away that also affected my sleep. I had that dreaded fever over 100.4 which required a doctor's visit and the start of antibiotics.
Chemo really does zap your energy. I tried to be tough the first round and didn't get very far but without knowing what to expect I thought I could go to work the next day without any problem. I didn't realize how tired and exhausted I would feel. The first round of AC was by far the worst and it was even hard to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, I was that weak.
The nausea is very real with AC. It was literally like being pregnant again for 2 months. If I didn't have food in my stomach steady then I would feel it the worst. The anti-nausea medication they gave me really did help but didn't take it away completely. Each round after my first round of AC got a little bit easier nausea wise.
Chemo really does dehydrate you and very fast. I love water and didn't think I would experience it but with the yucky taste left in my mouth this was by far the hardest part. I put flavors in my water to try and get enough and then resorted to hot chocolate and decaf coffee. I had to go in for fluid two times and I honestly wished I would have done it each and every time, it really did make a difference.
I have learned about the power of prayer. I chose not to practice any certain religion but I have always been a very spiritual person and prayed almost daily anyway. Now I pray numerous times per day. I never feel alone and always feel comfort from the other side. It has helped me through it in my most difficult times. I do believe that I am given this trial for a reason and I feel it is my responsibility to share my experience with others. Right now all I have is a blog to share with you but once I am healed and feel emotionally ready I want to get involved in the community and help others who are having to deal with cancer. I feel it is the least I could do.
This really is not just about me but my entire family. Jeff has been so good to me. I never have to worry who will go to my chemo appointments. He may be hurting on the inside but I never saw it. Kaci is always saying she wishes she could have friends over and wishes for other things, it hurts me so much. It always makes me cry when she wishes for things that just cannot happen right now. I keep telling her that we are all going through hard times right now and once chemotherapy is done then we can resume our lives and she can have her friends over again. I wish she would stop saying she wishes but I know she is just a child and doesn't fully understand. She has seen me crying at times and I know it scares her and I try and hide it but sometimes she finds me in my moments of weakness. I guess it is good for her because I do break down sometimes too.
I feel some friends and family have pulled away from me. I feel that some friends and family must be scared of me as they have stayed away for the most part, while it hurts my feelings I also get where they are coming from. What do you say to someone who is going through this? Sometimes words are hard to find. Going through it myself I now know that I will never leave anyone alone and will send that simple text, email or phone call at least every week unless of course they tell me that they are bugging me. This blog is good but I don't hear from people as often but I do like that I can keep everyone up to date but just a simple text saying "I love you" or "I am thinking of you today" would mean so much. I can't tell other people how to help but I do know how to help other people now. I was one of those people who probably pulled away from friends or family when something bad happened to them because I didn't know what to day.
I have been so humbled by good friends and good neighbors who have brought over countless meals even though they have families of their own. I thought I would never be willing to accept help from others but this experience has taught me that this is their way to show they care and I believe that they will get special blessings from it.
I had no idea that chemo affects the outside of your body as well as the inside. I had numerous side effects that affected my face as if losing my hair wasn't enough. I had the rash on my face as well as shoulders, back and arms that wasn't so much as itchy as it was painful from the AC chemo. I had a huge sore that appeared out of nowhere on the inside of my nose but made the outside of my nose swell up and turn red. My eyes watered steady on AC that limited how much make up I could put on. My right eyelid swelled up so big that it was hard to see out of that eye. I had a urinary tract infection as well as painful urination. I have had hot flashes like no other that affect my sleep. I have had sore throats with my tonsils covered in white pus that hurt so bad to swallow that has affected how much I could eat and there were times I would spit out my saliva just so I didn't have to swallow it. I had been congested and had a deep cough throughout AC, it is like having a cold that doesn't go away that also affected my sleep. I had that dreaded fever over 100.4 which required a doctor's visit and the start of antibiotics.
Chemo really does zap your energy. I tried to be tough the first round and didn't get very far but without knowing what to expect I thought I could go to work the next day without any problem. I didn't realize how tired and exhausted I would feel. The first round of AC was by far the worst and it was even hard to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, I was that weak.
The nausea is very real with AC. It was literally like being pregnant again for 2 months. If I didn't have food in my stomach steady then I would feel it the worst. The anti-nausea medication they gave me really did help but didn't take it away completely. Each round after my first round of AC got a little bit easier nausea wise.
Chemo really does dehydrate you and very fast. I love water and didn't think I would experience it but with the yucky taste left in my mouth this was by far the hardest part. I put flavors in my water to try and get enough and then resorted to hot chocolate and decaf coffee. I had to go in for fluid two times and I honestly wished I would have done it each and every time, it really did make a difference.
I have learned about the power of prayer. I chose not to practice any certain religion but I have always been a very spiritual person and prayed almost daily anyway. Now I pray numerous times per day. I never feel alone and always feel comfort from the other side. It has helped me through it in my most difficult times. I do believe that I am given this trial for a reason and I feel it is my responsibility to share my experience with others. Right now all I have is a blog to share with you but once I am healed and feel emotionally ready I want to get involved in the community and help others who are having to deal with cancer. I feel it is the least I could do.
This really is not just about me but my entire family. Jeff has been so good to me. I never have to worry who will go to my chemo appointments. He may be hurting on the inside but I never saw it. Kaci is always saying she wishes she could have friends over and wishes for other things, it hurts me so much. It always makes me cry when she wishes for things that just cannot happen right now. I keep telling her that we are all going through hard times right now and once chemotherapy is done then we can resume our lives and she can have her friends over again. I wish she would stop saying she wishes but I know she is just a child and doesn't fully understand. She has seen me crying at times and I know it scares her and I try and hide it but sometimes she finds me in my moments of weakness. I guess it is good for her because I do break down sometimes too.
I feel some friends and family have pulled away from me. I feel that some friends and family must be scared of me as they have stayed away for the most part, while it hurts my feelings I also get where they are coming from. What do you say to someone who is going through this? Sometimes words are hard to find. Going through it myself I now know that I will never leave anyone alone and will send that simple text, email or phone call at least every week unless of course they tell me that they are bugging me. This blog is good but I don't hear from people as often but I do like that I can keep everyone up to date but just a simple text saying "I love you" or "I am thinking of you today" would mean so much. I can't tell other people how to help but I do know how to help other people now. I was one of those people who probably pulled away from friends or family when something bad happened to them because I didn't know what to day.
I have been so humbled by good friends and good neighbors who have brought over countless meals even though they have families of their own. I thought I would never be willing to accept help from others but this experience has taught me that this is their way to show they care and I believe that they will get special blessings from it.
Monday, March 23, 2015
4th Taxol treatment and my end of chemotherapy
Today was my 4th and final Taxol treatment and this completes my 16 weeks and 8 rounds of chemotherapy. Our appointment was at 9:00AM and we were a little late because of a wreck on the freeway. We got there about 9:10AM. Kaci came with us this time since it was my last treatment. I was all hooked up by close to 10:00AM. Jeff and Kaci got all of her school work done that she was going to miss today and then they went to the table and started building a puzzle while I closed my eyes. That Benadryl is powerful and immediately knocks me out. I didn't really sleep but I rested for a while. Debby and Wayne got there around noon and Debby bought 2 dozen cupcakes form the Sweet Tooth Fairy. If you haven't tried those cupcakes you need to, they were the best. They passed them out to all the other people getting chemo as well as the staff. What a nice gesture and it brightened everybody's day, thank you so much Debby! My mom and Hadlee got there about 1:20PM. Kaci was so excited to have Hadlee to hang out with until I was done. I finished about 3:00PM and we took pictures and then I got to ring the bell. As a parting gift the nurses gave me some sparkling apple juice. Then we headed to Red Robin for a late lunch/ early dinner. Wayne bought all of our food and it was delicious. As we were walking back to our cars my mom had a surprise for me. She bought me some new shoes that I have been wanting. Seriously, my family is the best. They have been so supportive through all of this and I love them more than words can say. I am so glad that Wayne, Debby, Mom, Hadlee, Kaci and Jeff all asked to share this day with me. It means so much to me to have them help celebrate this milestone. I must say that this day was as exciting as my wedding day and when Kaci was born. When I got home my wonderful friends Melissa and Stacie came over with balloons, flowers and a cake. I started crying when I saw what they brought me, these girls mean so much to me. They have helped my family out with countless dinners for weeks on end even though they have families of their own. I must say I have a wonderful support systems with great friends and family. It was so hard and taxing at times, there were times I wanted to quit but I stuck it out. I feel so much closer to Jeff after all we have been through and I love him very much. I also feel closer to God and I know he is near me at all times and that I am never left alone. I have learned so much and I have a whole new perspective on life in general as well as compassion for others. I have always had compassion but now I can really understand and feel what others are going through. I have learned so much about myself and my appearance as it has changed drastically through all of this. I know that I may not feel so pretty on the outside but I know I am beautiful on the inside and that I will made whole again when I die. I am finally at peace with how I look. I am taking this experience as a very positive one even though it was hard I feel blessed to have gone through this trial. Next step 5 weeks of radiation and my biggest gift of all, my hair will start to grow back. I can' hardly wait! By the way I CAN DO HARD THINGS!!!!
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| Kaci, me and Hadlee |
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| Me and my goofy girl Kaci |
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| Nurse Lisa, me and cousin nurse Debbie |
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| The balloons and flowers Melissa and Stacie brought me. The big balloon says "Celebrate Life" |
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| Here is my cake. I can't wait to dive into it!!! |
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| Me, Jeff, Kaci, Hadlee, Mom, Debby and Wayne |
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
3rd round of Taxol side effects (March 10-March 22)
March 10, 2015 (Tuesday the day after treatment)- I did not sleep last night. I finally got to sleep at 4:00AM and woke up at 6:00AM, the steroids kept me awake a lot longer than they have on the past 2 rounds. I stayed in bed until 7:00AM and then got Kaci's hair ready for school. I debated back and forth on getting up and getting ready for work but after work today I have to get Kaci ready for her dance pictures and then I need to run to the store to get her the makeup she needs for her dress rehearsal on Saturday and knowing I won't feel good in the next few days I need to do it tonight. Then I have dinner to make and then I will get to bed early tonight. I decided to go back to bed at 8:00AM after Jeff left for work and Kaci left for school. I was able to sleep until 10:15AM and then I got up and got ready for work. I needed that little nap to get me through the rest of my day. Other than being a little tired from lack of sleep I feel great.
March 13, 2015 (Friday)- I went to work on Wednesday and felt pretty good but came home really tired. My great neighbor Stacie brought dinner to us which is a huge help after working all day and feeling worn out. Thursday the side effects started. This time it was just my thumbs that were tingly and I felt tired. I stayed home from work and took it easy. Thursday night my back was sore and my legs only hurt a little bit, which was a change from the last two treatments where my legs hurt like crazy. Today I stayed home again but I could have probably worked but I just didn't feel like I could handle it mentally. I am still a little off but feel much better than yesterday. I only have a little pain that is still lingering and the numbness is gone from my thumbs. I am hoping that tomorrow I feel 100% because Kaci has her dress rehearsal at Roy High. This is a big deal for the competition teams as they prepare for the upcoming competitions. I know they say chemo is cumulative but just like AC, this Taxol seems to get easier with each round. My body handles this backwards but I am glad because I can only hope that the last round will be a breeze. I have a lot going on after that last round with Kaci's dance and birthday weekend so I need to feel good.
March 16, 2015 (Monday)- Today is a week from my last treatment and I feel great. I felt pretty good on Saturday too. I was able to run to the store to get a few things and then get Kaci ready for her dance rehearsal. There was a lot of running back and forth and helping her change costumes. Other than it being hot in the gym I felt good and was able to do all I needed to, to help her. Yesterday I took it easy for the most part. I made breakfast and did two loads of laundry, bathed the dog and made dinner for our parents. I tried hard to not take a nap because I wanted to be able to get to sleep at a decent hour and get to work on time today. I am constantly tired and I don't know if it is from the build up of chemo or just not sleeping at night because of all the hot flashes I have.
March 22, 2015 (Sunday)- This weekend was wonderful. I finally let Kaci invite her friends over on Friday night for a really long play date. She had 5 friends over and we bought them pizza for dinner and made cupcakes. She had so much fun, it has been so long since I have let her have more than one friend over at a time. I have so much to make up to her and I look forward to many more play dates. I love hearing the sounds of the girls screaming and laughing throughout my house again. It's funny the things you miss when you can't have them. Saturday we hung out with Leslie and Aron and their kids. We had a fire and made hotdogs and Smores for dinner and then let the kids tell campfire stories and jokes, I haven't laughed that hard in so long. The kids jokes are so much funnier than any joke we could tell. Then we started to tell scary doll stories until we freaked the kids out and had to stop. I still need to see the evil doll that Abigail has! Anyway it was a great weekend and I felt so normal. I feel life is finally started to return to normal.
March 13, 2015 (Friday)- I went to work on Wednesday and felt pretty good but came home really tired. My great neighbor Stacie brought dinner to us which is a huge help after working all day and feeling worn out. Thursday the side effects started. This time it was just my thumbs that were tingly and I felt tired. I stayed home from work and took it easy. Thursday night my back was sore and my legs only hurt a little bit, which was a change from the last two treatments where my legs hurt like crazy. Today I stayed home again but I could have probably worked but I just didn't feel like I could handle it mentally. I am still a little off but feel much better than yesterday. I only have a little pain that is still lingering and the numbness is gone from my thumbs. I am hoping that tomorrow I feel 100% because Kaci has her dress rehearsal at Roy High. This is a big deal for the competition teams as they prepare for the upcoming competitions. I know they say chemo is cumulative but just like AC, this Taxol seems to get easier with each round. My body handles this backwards but I am glad because I can only hope that the last round will be a breeze. I have a lot going on after that last round with Kaci's dance and birthday weekend so I need to feel good.
March 16, 2015 (Monday)- Today is a week from my last treatment and I feel great. I felt pretty good on Saturday too. I was able to run to the store to get a few things and then get Kaci ready for her dance rehearsal. There was a lot of running back and forth and helping her change costumes. Other than it being hot in the gym I felt good and was able to do all I needed to, to help her. Yesterday I took it easy for the most part. I made breakfast and did two loads of laundry, bathed the dog and made dinner for our parents. I tried hard to not take a nap because I wanted to be able to get to sleep at a decent hour and get to work on time today. I am constantly tired and I don't know if it is from the build up of chemo or just not sleeping at night because of all the hot flashes I have.
March 22, 2015 (Sunday)- This weekend was wonderful. I finally let Kaci invite her friends over on Friday night for a really long play date. She had 5 friends over and we bought them pizza for dinner and made cupcakes. She had so much fun, it has been so long since I have let her have more than one friend over at a time. I have so much to make up to her and I look forward to many more play dates. I love hearing the sounds of the girls screaming and laughing throughout my house again. It's funny the things you miss when you can't have them. Saturday we hung out with Leslie and Aron and their kids. We had a fire and made hotdogs and Smores for dinner and then let the kids tell campfire stories and jokes, I haven't laughed that hard in so long. The kids jokes are so much funnier than any joke we could tell. Then we started to tell scary doll stories until we freaked the kids out and had to stop. I still need to see the evil doll that Abigail has! Anyway it was a great weekend and I felt so normal. I feel life is finally started to return to normal.
Monday, March 9, 2015
3rd Taxol Treatment (only one more left to go)
Today was my 3rd Taxol treatment. Our appointments have all been at
9:00AM but this one got changed to 10:20AM. Dr. Stinnett had something
come up. Jeff and I decided to make the most of it and went to Jeremiah's
for breakfast. This was the best part of my day with just the two of us
being able to spend some quality time together. I saw the doctor and
asked him some questions since we were approaching the 2nd to last of my
chemotherapy treatments. I wanted to know what happens after I am done
and he said first of all I will get the radiation treatments and then I will go
back to him to discuss the hormone blocker treatments. He said where I am
a high risk for re-occurrence that the decision lies on him on what he feels is
best in my situation. Ultimately it is still my call but I have total
faith in Dr. Stinnett and that he has my best interest at heart. I am
really nervous for the hormone blocker treatments as it will put me in
menopause before my time. With that comes some very ugly side effects that
will limit my quality of life. As I prepare for the next 5 to 10 years on
these treatments I will need to decide as I am going through it if it is worth
the diminished quality of life. It is so hard to know because I do
believe that a quality life is better than quantity if you don't feel
well. I still have a lot ahead of me but I feel like I have come this far
that I am going to approach it with a positive attitude and hope for the
best. I don't want all these drastic measures I have had to take to be
for nothing, therefore I will give it a chance.
The infusion was really long just as it has been with all the Taxol treatments. They started the Benadryl first and it knocked me out fast. I was able to get quite a few 20-30 naps in while Jeff was able to work remotely almost a full day. I was able to talk with Gina who I have said hello to many times during treatments but today she sat right next to us so we could chat more. She has lung cancer and has been doing chemotherapy for 4 years now. Her husband came with her this time and we are all able to talk a little bit. Right now she is on Taxol too so she received the Benadryl also and was sleeping on and off like I was. When Debbie and Lisa asked me if I was getting excited as I only have one more treatment left after today, I of course said yes and that I have not been more excited for anything else in my life to date. Chemo is very hard, the hardest ting I have ever had to do, and of course I am excited. As Gina was leaving she touched my toes and said she is excited for me to ring that bell in 2 weeks and that she will be there to witness it. This is bitter sweet coming from her, how can she be so excited to watch me ring that bell when she has yet to ring it? She is such a great person and her light shines so bright. She is a true example of how cancer changes you. You now have a perspective you didn't have before and you start to see so much good in people and find a way to be excited for them even though you might never get that chance.
We were able to leave about 3:45PM so Kaci only had to wait for us for a short time. At first we thought we wouldn't be home until after 5:00PM. She painted my nails for Easter with lots of colors. She is so sweet and I am so glad she and I can share this with her and when I look down I feel her there with me. Debbie even commented on how cute it was that Kaci does this for me before my treatments. Kaci is looking forward to 2 weeks from today when she gets to come to my last treatment; she is just as excited as Jeff and I are. I have such a great family. Jeff has been so supportive and has been there with me through it all. All I can say is I have the best husband in the world. I know Kaci would love to have been a part of all of this but school is so important and I could not have her miss. She is so understanding and supportive of the situation we have all been thrown in to. She has had to give up play dates because of me and those are huge when you are 9 years old. We are looking forward to getting back into real life and I can't wait for a house full of kids to come and play at my house.
My good friend and neighbor, Melissa brought over dinner again tonight. She always brings us dinner on chemo Monday's. She is such a great friend.
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| At breakfast today before chemo |
The infusion was really long just as it has been with all the Taxol treatments. They started the Benadryl first and it knocked me out fast. I was able to get quite a few 20-30 naps in while Jeff was able to work remotely almost a full day. I was able to talk with Gina who I have said hello to many times during treatments but today she sat right next to us so we could chat more. She has lung cancer and has been doing chemotherapy for 4 years now. Her husband came with her this time and we are all able to talk a little bit. Right now she is on Taxol too so she received the Benadryl also and was sleeping on and off like I was. When Debbie and Lisa asked me if I was getting excited as I only have one more treatment left after today, I of course said yes and that I have not been more excited for anything else in my life to date. Chemo is very hard, the hardest ting I have ever had to do, and of course I am excited. As Gina was leaving she touched my toes and said she is excited for me to ring that bell in 2 weeks and that she will be there to witness it. This is bitter sweet coming from her, how can she be so excited to watch me ring that bell when she has yet to ring it? She is such a great person and her light shines so bright. She is a true example of how cancer changes you. You now have a perspective you didn't have before and you start to see so much good in people and find a way to be excited for them even though you might never get that chance.
We were able to leave about 3:45PM so Kaci only had to wait for us for a short time. At first we thought we wouldn't be home until after 5:00PM. She painted my nails for Easter with lots of colors. She is so sweet and I am so glad she and I can share this with her and when I look down I feel her there with me. Debbie even commented on how cute it was that Kaci does this for me before my treatments. Kaci is looking forward to 2 weeks from today when she gets to come to my last treatment; she is just as excited as Jeff and I are. I have such a great family. Jeff has been so supportive and has been there with me through it all. All I can say is I have the best husband in the world. I know Kaci would love to have been a part of all of this but school is so important and I could not have her miss. She is so understanding and supportive of the situation we have all been thrown in to. She has had to give up play dates because of me and those are huge when you are 9 years old. We are looking forward to getting back into real life and I can't wait for a house full of kids to come and play at my house.
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| My Easter nails done by none other than Kaci |
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