At the end of last year we were trying to decide if we should start finishing the basement now that I was finished with treatment or redecorate the house that was bothering me so much. We had planned on finishing the basement in January 2015 but I was going through chemo and money was tight paying for all of my medical bills. Finishing the basement would take a lot of money and I am nervous to spend that kind of money right now because you never know what can happen. I also knew how bad the interior of my house reminded me of cancer and also the memories of my beloved dogs who had just passed away. I seriously wanted to move if I couldn't make a change. In talking to other people who have gone through what I have,
some of them did decide to move. I
thought it would be cheaper to redecorate and I just don't have it in me
for all the work it takes to move, let alone Kaci is in a school she
loves with friends that live nearby. I didn't feel it was fair to her
to move right now.
As I have mentioned before, last February I redecorated our bedroom because I just couldn't stand it anymore. I had spent countless days/hours/months in there and the sight of it made me sick to my stomach. With the mounting medical bills that is the only room I could afford to do at that moment and I felt that was the most important since I knew I would be spending another couple of months in bed. It made me feel better at the time and I just learned to look past the rest of the house.
So right after Christmas I started hitting the stores to get ideas. My main goal was to get rid of all the red in my house since that color was spread throughout every room except my bedroom and bathroom. I started with changing out a few decorations but the house still looked the same to me. Then we started looking at carpet and decided to re-carpet the house. When we built the house the cheapest carpet was put in and it didn't wear well at all. The carpet was in terrible shape and since Jake (my dog) had just passed away and with all of his "accidents" over the years and towards the end of his life the drooling blood, it was time. In fact we always said when Jakey Boy goes we are going to get new carpet (sorry buddy but its true). We spent hours cleaning out each room as we moved the furniture in preparation. Re-carpeting is the next best thing to moving! We had collected so much in the last 4-1/2 years since we moved in and it was a great time to get rid of some things. After the house was re-carpeted with lovely thick padding and plush carpet it is like walking on clouds. I have never had this nice of carpet before and this didn't disappoint. It was worth spending a little more money and getting exactly what we wanted. It looked beautiful and then we put our old furniture back in the family room and I hated it. It looked like we had such a nice house now but with old, semi-outdated furniture. Last fall we had been eying some furniture for our family room but decided to wait until we got the basement done. Well, since we didn't do the basement and was working on the main level of the house we decided to get the furniture as well. Thank goodness for our excellent credit and 18/24 months no interest. After the carpet and furniture was in I took down the rest of the "red decor". I have bought a few things like new rugs, towels for the kitchen and a few decorations for the cabinets. I haven't finished it yet but have decided to take a break. I got so overwhelmed and ended up buying and returning numerous items that I felt just didn't fit. I am going to take it easy for a while and if/when I see something I will know. In the meantime my house looks great and the "old memories" of the year that I went through surgery, chemo and radiation and the loss of my dogs are long gone. I haven't forgotten them completely as they will always be a part of me, but the change in my house is exactly what I needed and for the most part what my family needed.
It is nice to have our main living area just how I want it. It is so fresh and new and makes me happy looking at it. My house is my new fresh start and I love it. Here is to making a lot of good memories with my family in our home that we have put so much work and love in to.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
A new friend for both me and Kaci
Something great happened this past weekend. My daughter has met a
new friend at school and played over at her house for the first time on
Saturday. When I picked her up she said that this friends mom went
through breast cancer too. Well these two cute girls thought it would
be a good idea to get us together for a girls day out. So on Monday
they had us meet at the mall so that we could take them to Quilted Bear
to get Beanie Boo's and then to Pretzel Maker for snacks and smoothies
and then to the movie. They thought it would be nice for us to
have time to talk about our experiences. I can't even describe how
powerful it is to have someone physically standing by my side and knowing
exactly what I go through on a daily basis. While I don't wish this experience on anybody it is nice to have a friend who has gone through the same thing so that I don't feel so alone in this world.
You cannot ever truly understand the physical limitations as well as the emotional effect that breast cancer has on a person until you have gone through it yourself. For instance we went bowling on Sunday for Valentine's Day. I didn't think anything of it but it was so hard for me to move that arm and it was actually a little painful, my skin is still so tight on the right side where I had radiation. I decided to just let Kaci take over my turn which she was excited about. I still enjoyed myself but I had no idea that something as simple as bowling would be so hard. Then of course I worry about lymphedema, I was told not to carry grocery bags, my purse or anything heavy on that side and here I was throwing a 10lb bowling ball.
I have a lot of new friends since my diagnosis who have gone through the same things I have but unfortunately I have not met them in person. We are friends in the blogging world as well as Facebook and some I have talked to on the phone. I am grateful for each and every one of them as they have all helped me in some way. I can't imagine my life without them and at any time I know I can message them, call them, write on their blogs etc. and they will be there for me. There are so many amazing people out there. I will also be there for anybody and everybody at any time. I feel it is my duty to pay it forward. I hope that all of you reading this blog all over the world knows that if I can be of help in any way please just ask me.
I know my new friend Shauna and I will continue to be good friends. I also think it is so good for Kaci to have a friend who she can relate to as well. I believe there is a reason that this family moved into our area. It is amazing how much other people can give and provide strength to someone else. We all need to remember that everybody has trials, some might seem big and others quite small but we cannot judge how that person is reacting to them. To them it might be big. We need to continue to be there for our neighbors, friends, family and strangers. We need to listen to them and be there for them no matter what. Nothing is more important than serving. Even if you just smile and say hi to a stranger you might make their entire day.
You cannot ever truly understand the physical limitations as well as the emotional effect that breast cancer has on a person until you have gone through it yourself. For instance we went bowling on Sunday for Valentine's Day. I didn't think anything of it but it was so hard for me to move that arm and it was actually a little painful, my skin is still so tight on the right side where I had radiation. I decided to just let Kaci take over my turn which she was excited about. I still enjoyed myself but I had no idea that something as simple as bowling would be so hard. Then of course I worry about lymphedema, I was told not to carry grocery bags, my purse or anything heavy on that side and here I was throwing a 10lb bowling ball.
I have a lot of new friends since my diagnosis who have gone through the same things I have but unfortunately I have not met them in person. We are friends in the blogging world as well as Facebook and some I have talked to on the phone. I am grateful for each and every one of them as they have all helped me in some way. I can't imagine my life without them and at any time I know I can message them, call them, write on their blogs etc. and they will be there for me. There are so many amazing people out there. I will also be there for anybody and everybody at any time. I feel it is my duty to pay it forward. I hope that all of you reading this blog all over the world knows that if I can be of help in any way please just ask me.
I know my new friend Shauna and I will continue to be good friends. I also think it is so good for Kaci to have a friend who she can relate to as well. I believe there is a reason that this family moved into our area. It is amazing how much other people can give and provide strength to someone else. We all need to remember that everybody has trials, some might seem big and others quite small but we cannot judge how that person is reacting to them. To them it might be big. We need to continue to be there for our neighbors, friends, family and strangers. We need to listen to them and be there for them no matter what. Nothing is more important than serving. Even if you just smile and say hi to a stranger you might make their entire day.
MTHFR GENE mutation(not a cuss word), lab results and hot flashes
So I have been seeing an amazing OB/GYN. I went in for a 2 month followup on February 2nd to discuss my lab results in detail from last December. My cholesterol was extremely high at 283. My vitamin D levels were on the low end of normal and everything else was in check. I immediately started on a higher dose of Vitamin D and two different supplements per this doctor's recommendation. I started on Red Yeast Rice (Yeah, I have never heard of it before either). Anyway it is a natural statin that can help reduce cholesterol. I also started on another supplement called COQ10 (just Google it for more information). At this followup appointment we decided to retest everything as well as did the genetic test MTHFR. Dr. Knowles said that she has a 90% accuracy rate of guessing that a person probably has one of these mutations. She guessed me to possibly have this mutation due to breast cancer at an early age as well as high cholesterol for most of my life. This test is not covered by insurance and I will have to pay out of pocket for it but it should be less than $1000. It was important to me to find out if I had this mutation because there are supplements you can take to help with it.
Yesterday, I got the results in the mail and my total cholesterol is down 66 points in two months. I am beyond excited! My cholesterol has been high since I first had it tested in my early 20's. I will continue taking the Red Yeast Rice since it is natural and it appears to be helping my cholesterol come down. She said that statin's can cause brain fog and I already have enough of that since chemo, I really didn't want to add to that. Plus if I can lower my cholesterol the natural way then there is no need for a statin. My vitamin D levels came up a bit too but are still within the normal range and not even close to the verge of over dosing. We didn't know if taking 10,000ui a day might be too much but it appears to be what I need to take right now. It is important for me to keep my bones healthy and strong now that I am in menopause.
On top of that I have both of the two critical gene mutations. What this means is this can cause pulmonary embolisms, addictions, fibromyalgia, miscarriages, schizophrenia, severe depression, heart disease and cancer to name a few. There are a lot of health problems associated with these mutations. My doctor may be on to something, this could be the very reason I had breast cancer at an early age as well as high cholesterol. So now I am taking this information and I will supplement with a methyl form of B6, B12 and folate which will help my liver to flush out the toxins. I am hoping that when I go back in May my cholesterol has dropped even more and that I am within the normal range on all levels. I also hope that with the vitamin B supplements that I will have more energy as this can be part of the problem with this mutation also. These mutations rarely have any physical symptoms but just knowing that I am giving my body what it needs so that my liver can perform its function properly is worth the peace of mind. I still know however, that God is in control of my life and my destiny but knowing that I am striving to be healthy and doing this the holistic way makes me feel like I am doing all that I can.
I also started on Gabapentin back on December 2nd to see if it could help control my hot flashes. The major side effect of this drug is tiredness so you have to take it at night before bed. It is primarily used to treat seizures, but some women have success in treating their hot flashes as well. I feel like since I started on this medicine that my hot flashes were not as severe or intense. I also can go longer without having one. At night I am able to go about 2 to 2-1/2 hours in between hot flashes rather than at least one every hour so I am getting better quality of sleep. During the day is different because of my stress levels, excitement, etc. when I am awake. The littlest of things can trigger a hot flash. Usually if I am relaxed and don't have any distractions or physical activity I can go longer without having one. Anyway since I had also started on this drug at the same time as the Red Yeast Rice and COQ10. I didn't know if it was really helping or not. I did have some relief so I knew it was either this or the COQ10 or the combination of both. I ran out of the COQ10 in early January for about a week and I felt like my hot flashes were getting worse. I started back up on it and then I thought maybe it is the COQ10 that is helping my hot flashes and not the Gabapentin. Since the COQ10 is a natural supplement I didn't mind taking it. I hate taking any unnecessary medications so I decided to go off of the Gabapentin and see what happens. I went off it gradually for the first week of February and then went off completely the 2nd week. Towards the end of last week my hot flashes were back full force. Every hot flash I had produced sweat and they were very intense. A couple of days of that was all it took for me to start back up on the Gabapentin. While I don't like taking this drug because it makes it so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning it is worth it to me to not be such a sweaty mess during the day. I have very curly hair that I flat iron the heck out of each morning and if my hot flashes produce a lot of sweat then by the end of the day I have my curly hair old lady look. I hate that the hot flashes make my head, face and neck just drip with sweat. Since I have been on Gabapentin I might only have one of two hot flashes a day that produce sweat so most days I can go home with the same hair style that I created that morning. It isn't all about the hair as much as it is about being uncomfortable during each hot flash. I never new how debilitating they can be. I guess now I can say that the combination of COQ10 and Gabapentin are helping me quite a bit with my hot flashes. It is so nice to have a hot flash and while it is still uncomfortable it doesn't last as long and most of them do not produce sweat. I don't know how long they will stick around and I keep hoping that they will start to fade out but I don't think that will happen anytime soon since the Tamoxifen that I am on creates them as well as just plain being in menopause.
Yesterday, I got the results in the mail and my total cholesterol is down 66 points in two months. I am beyond excited! My cholesterol has been high since I first had it tested in my early 20's. I will continue taking the Red Yeast Rice since it is natural and it appears to be helping my cholesterol come down. She said that statin's can cause brain fog and I already have enough of that since chemo, I really didn't want to add to that. Plus if I can lower my cholesterol the natural way then there is no need for a statin. My vitamin D levels came up a bit too but are still within the normal range and not even close to the verge of over dosing. We didn't know if taking 10,000ui a day might be too much but it appears to be what I need to take right now. It is important for me to keep my bones healthy and strong now that I am in menopause.
On top of that I have both of the two critical gene mutations. What this means is this can cause pulmonary embolisms, addictions, fibromyalgia, miscarriages, schizophrenia, severe depression, heart disease and cancer to name a few. There are a lot of health problems associated with these mutations. My doctor may be on to something, this could be the very reason I had breast cancer at an early age as well as high cholesterol. So now I am taking this information and I will supplement with a methyl form of B6, B12 and folate which will help my liver to flush out the toxins. I am hoping that when I go back in May my cholesterol has dropped even more and that I am within the normal range on all levels. I also hope that with the vitamin B supplements that I will have more energy as this can be part of the problem with this mutation also. These mutations rarely have any physical symptoms but just knowing that I am giving my body what it needs so that my liver can perform its function properly is worth the peace of mind. I still know however, that God is in control of my life and my destiny but knowing that I am striving to be healthy and doing this the holistic way makes me feel like I am doing all that I can.
I also started on Gabapentin back on December 2nd to see if it could help control my hot flashes. The major side effect of this drug is tiredness so you have to take it at night before bed. It is primarily used to treat seizures, but some women have success in treating their hot flashes as well. I feel like since I started on this medicine that my hot flashes were not as severe or intense. I also can go longer without having one. At night I am able to go about 2 to 2-1/2 hours in between hot flashes rather than at least one every hour so I am getting better quality of sleep. During the day is different because of my stress levels, excitement, etc. when I am awake. The littlest of things can trigger a hot flash. Usually if I am relaxed and don't have any distractions or physical activity I can go longer without having one. Anyway since I had also started on this drug at the same time as the Red Yeast Rice and COQ10. I didn't know if it was really helping or not. I did have some relief so I knew it was either this or the COQ10 or the combination of both. I ran out of the COQ10 in early January for about a week and I felt like my hot flashes were getting worse. I started back up on it and then I thought maybe it is the COQ10 that is helping my hot flashes and not the Gabapentin. Since the COQ10 is a natural supplement I didn't mind taking it. I hate taking any unnecessary medications so I decided to go off of the Gabapentin and see what happens. I went off it gradually for the first week of February and then went off completely the 2nd week. Towards the end of last week my hot flashes were back full force. Every hot flash I had produced sweat and they were very intense. A couple of days of that was all it took for me to start back up on the Gabapentin. While I don't like taking this drug because it makes it so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning it is worth it to me to not be such a sweaty mess during the day. I have very curly hair that I flat iron the heck out of each morning and if my hot flashes produce a lot of sweat then by the end of the day I have my curly hair old lady look. I hate that the hot flashes make my head, face and neck just drip with sweat. Since I have been on Gabapentin I might only have one of two hot flashes a day that produce sweat so most days I can go home with the same hair style that I created that morning. It isn't all about the hair as much as it is about being uncomfortable during each hot flash. I never new how debilitating they can be. I guess now I can say that the combination of COQ10 and Gabapentin are helping me quite a bit with my hot flashes. It is so nice to have a hot flash and while it is still uncomfortable it doesn't last as long and most of them do not produce sweat. I don't know how long they will stick around and I keep hoping that they will start to fade out but I don't think that will happen anytime soon since the Tamoxifen that I am on creates them as well as just plain being in menopause.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Goodbye Jake
I can't believe I am writing another post saying goodbye to another dog so soon.
My buddy Jake came into our lives shortly after we were married. We got him as a puppy in June of 2002. He was our first kid. We went through a lot with him from the potty training to his aggressiveness with other dogs. He was always so stubborn and head strong in the beginning. He also had a ton of energy which labs usually have. We took him everywhere with us and Jeff was excited to have a hunting buddy, however Jake had a mind of his own and rather than retrieving ducks he would rather just jump in the water and swim. There was no way of getting him out until he was tired. He was the only kid until 9 months later when we adopted Abby from the shelter. These two dogs meant the world to us. They were together most of their lives so it is fitting that they both left this earth within two months of each other.
Jake loved to go camping and most of all swimming. In fact when I was first pregnant with Kaci we were camping and decided to go to the lake to go fishing and then eventually let the dogs swim. Right when we got there I was holding Jake's leash and we were on a hill. He started circling around me and hog tied me at the knees and I fell down. I had to unlatch him so that I could get up and in the water he went and he swam and swam. I was nervous about him drowning but there wasn't anything we could do. I know the guys fishing in the boat next to him didn't appreciate him but all we could do was laugh and wait for him to come back.
He was such a happy soul. He was always smiling and wagging his tail. He was hyper until he turned about 9 years old and then he settled down. He was truly my best friend. He was my shadow and followed me everywhere. Even during his last days if I got up for some reason so did he. He wouldn't let me out of his sight.
Jake was also there with me during my darkest hours while undergoing chemo treatments. There were many days I just couldn't take it anymore and would retreat to the master bedroom closet and lay on the floor and just cry. Jake was always in there with me. He would just paw at me and give my lots of slobbery kisses. He really did make me feel better with the love he was giving me.
Shortly after Halloween day when we had to put Abby down, we were in cleaning Kaci's room and we had piles of stuff both little things and big things and he started gagging and I thought maybe he had eaten something and was choking but then it passed. A little while later that same day he started drooling out of the one side of his mouth and I thought it was odd because he wasn't a dog who drools. The next week he did the gagging episode again and Jeff looked in his mouth and his back teeth were a little bit black so I decided to make an appointment with the vet to get his teeth cleaned and pulled if needed. Even though he was over 13-1/2 years old I couldn't leave him in pain so I figured the risk of anesthesia was worth the risk to make him feel better. I made a dental appointment for Wednesday, November 25th but they wanted me to come in on Tuesday just to look at everything prior to. Little did I know he would be diagnosed with a form of oral cancer. I was told by the doctor that there wasn't anything they could do especially at his age. He said he could remove it but it would be very painful for Jake and he might not make it through surgery but the cancer would grow back. He said it is one of three kinds of oral cancer but most likely oral melanoma due to its appearance. It was about the size of a dime and very black. It was under his tongue right next to the teeth that were turning black. The doctor said it wouldn't be long and this cancer would take his life. In fact by the time most people find these cancers in their pets they have usually metastasized to other locations within their bodies. They sent me home with some strong pain pills and told me to just watch him and I would know when it was time. My only hope was making it through Christmas but that was not a guarantee.
Jake continued drooling but the drool started to be tainted with blood. His breath got really bad which is another sign of malignant oral melanoma. He also from time to time would squint his eyes in pain but for the most part he was his smiley self. I would clean up his face and his paws from all the bloody drool. It bothered him so much that he would spend a long time licking them clean but it got so bad towards the end that he didn't take care of the mess himself. I didn't mind getting out the baby wipes and giving him a sponge bath. He was my baby and after all he did for me I knew it was my turn to take care of him.
In early December we noticed he wasn't drinking water anymore. Everyday I would take a syringe and squirt water into his mouth. He would also go outside and eat the snow. At every feeding I would put water into his food so he got moisture that way also. I did resort to feeding him canned food so it was softer and hopefully less painful on this mouth.
About two weeks before Christmas I gave him a toy just in case he didn't make it until Christmas. I am so glad I did. He played with that toy for a long time and enjoyed ripping it up. On Christmas Eve we let him open his traditional tennis balls and he went crazy. He loved playing ball for hours on end on Christmas only this year he only got to play with them for less than 5 minutes. His mouth started bleeding quite heavily. The balls were covered in blood and I could see that they were causing him pain so I had to take them away. On Christmas morning he wanted to help Kaci open her presents, the dog loves Christmas and loves opening presents. This has been a struggle every single year, in fact we had to block him out of the family room every year. This year however, I just let him stay in there with us and made him lay down and put the boxes and paper all around him. He was bleeding but I let him have fun. He didn't do to much with the paper because it hurt so bad. Our family came over later that day and I asked them for their opinion. It was hard to know what to do because being around him every day I may have dismissed just how bad he was suffering. They all agreed that it was probably time.
The Monday after Christmas Kaci had her tonsils out and Jake seemed to be okay just as he had been. I was still squirting water into his mouth each day but noticed that most of it was coming out. The tumor was growing and his tongue was pushed to the side but it still did not stop him from eating. He was eating his food okay but I know it was painful as he was slowing down quite a bit. I decided to spoil him with canned dog food for the past month and a half so it didn't hurt him as bad.
On New Years day I noticed it took him a very long time to eat his food and when I gave him his drink most of the water I put in his mouth came out. I decided to measure what went in and what fell out and he wasn't getting much at all. Then he started puffing like he does and I was able to get a good glimpse of his jaw and the tumor and I was amazed at how large that tumor had grown. It had also invaded his jaw bone like the doctor said it would. His jaw bone was so red and swollen and the black teeth that we once saw were now encompassed by the tumor and it was moving forward and taking another tooth. I saw how his tongue was literally pushed to the side and it made sense why he couldn't drink let alone keep any of the water in his mouth to swallow. I decided right then and there that we would take him in on Saturday the 2nd and have him put to sleep. We ended up going to a movie that night because we had been trapped in our house since Monday with Kaci and just needed to get out. We came home right after and all of us spend time telling Jaker Maker goodbye. We cried and cried and told him what a good dog he has been all of these years. Even though he was completely deaf I know he still heard us. I decided to lay on the floor next to him on his bed and hold his paw for a while that night. I also woke up early and did the same thing. I waited until the vet opened at 8:00AM and called for the appointment. I was given at 10:15 appointment and that was all they had as they were squeezing us in. I then took him out to the kitchen to give him his last meal. I was going to feel him extra but I saw how much he was struggling with his normal amount that I decided against it. I then spend the rest of the time with him. Telling him again how much I loved him and thanked him for his friendship all of those years.
It was getting close to the time we needed to leave and when I took him to the car he started shaking. He was always so nervous on car rides that for many years we only took him when we went camping or to the vet. We never put him through car rides for any other reason. I rode in the back seat with him and when we got to the office I went in by myself to pay for everything while Jeff, Kaci, Jake and our other dog Ely waited in the car. When it was time I came out to get them and we walked into that same room where Abby died only 2 months ago. I asked for a blanket for him to lay on. I sat over the top of him and held his head in my one arm while the other arm was wrapped underneath him. He was so scared and shaking so bad, it was awful but I also knew it would be over very soon and then none of this would matter to him anymore. They injected the sleepy medicine first and I felt him relax and then they injected the medicine to stop his heart. The vein in his leg collapsed and they didn't get enough medicine in to stop his heart so they had to put it in the other leg. It was okay though because he was sedated and it was still a very peaceful process. I felt his release when his heart stopped and knowing that he could run as fast as he could without any pain, he could see and hear again and most of all that ugly monster in his mouth would be no more. I can only imagine his and Abby's reunion as well as his best buddy Harley's (our friends dog who passed a few years before). I imagine that the first thing he did was go get a huge drink of water and then jump in the lake to swim.
I know I will see my babies again someday. I am so thankful for their friendship and unconditional love over the years. I am also so glad for this last "bonus" year. I call it a bonus year because I know they could have gone while I was undergoing my cancer treatments. Each day in my prayers I would ask to be able to keep my babies while I went through everything. I cannot imagine having to go through losing them when I was at my very worst. I am so thankful for this past summer with them too. We had such a good time camping and making memories to last a lifetime. I feel in my heart that everything happened perfectly with them. The timing was just right. I miss them so very much and I would give anything to have them back in my life and healthy again. I know time will help heal my broken heart but I will never forget them. When I die I want them to be the first faces I see. They were my children and people that don't have animals would never understand. Those of you that do understand perfectly. I am such an animal lover and will do anything and everything to help an animal in need. It is my passion.
My buddy Jake came into our lives shortly after we were married. We got him as a puppy in June of 2002. He was our first kid. We went through a lot with him from the potty training to his aggressiveness with other dogs. He was always so stubborn and head strong in the beginning. He also had a ton of energy which labs usually have. We took him everywhere with us and Jeff was excited to have a hunting buddy, however Jake had a mind of his own and rather than retrieving ducks he would rather just jump in the water and swim. There was no way of getting him out until he was tired. He was the only kid until 9 months later when we adopted Abby from the shelter. These two dogs meant the world to us. They were together most of their lives so it is fitting that they both left this earth within two months of each other.
Jake loved to go camping and most of all swimming. In fact when I was first pregnant with Kaci we were camping and decided to go to the lake to go fishing and then eventually let the dogs swim. Right when we got there I was holding Jake's leash and we were on a hill. He started circling around me and hog tied me at the knees and I fell down. I had to unlatch him so that I could get up and in the water he went and he swam and swam. I was nervous about him drowning but there wasn't anything we could do. I know the guys fishing in the boat next to him didn't appreciate him but all we could do was laugh and wait for him to come back.
He was such a happy soul. He was always smiling and wagging his tail. He was hyper until he turned about 9 years old and then he settled down. He was truly my best friend. He was my shadow and followed me everywhere. Even during his last days if I got up for some reason so did he. He wouldn't let me out of his sight.
Jake was also there with me during my darkest hours while undergoing chemo treatments. There were many days I just couldn't take it anymore and would retreat to the master bedroom closet and lay on the floor and just cry. Jake was always in there with me. He would just paw at me and give my lots of slobbery kisses. He really did make me feel better with the love he was giving me.
Shortly after Halloween day when we had to put Abby down, we were in cleaning Kaci's room and we had piles of stuff both little things and big things and he started gagging and I thought maybe he had eaten something and was choking but then it passed. A little while later that same day he started drooling out of the one side of his mouth and I thought it was odd because he wasn't a dog who drools. The next week he did the gagging episode again and Jeff looked in his mouth and his back teeth were a little bit black so I decided to make an appointment with the vet to get his teeth cleaned and pulled if needed. Even though he was over 13-1/2 years old I couldn't leave him in pain so I figured the risk of anesthesia was worth the risk to make him feel better. I made a dental appointment for Wednesday, November 25th but they wanted me to come in on Tuesday just to look at everything prior to. Little did I know he would be diagnosed with a form of oral cancer. I was told by the doctor that there wasn't anything they could do especially at his age. He said he could remove it but it would be very painful for Jake and he might not make it through surgery but the cancer would grow back. He said it is one of three kinds of oral cancer but most likely oral melanoma due to its appearance. It was about the size of a dime and very black. It was under his tongue right next to the teeth that were turning black. The doctor said it wouldn't be long and this cancer would take his life. In fact by the time most people find these cancers in their pets they have usually metastasized to other locations within their bodies. They sent me home with some strong pain pills and told me to just watch him and I would know when it was time. My only hope was making it through Christmas but that was not a guarantee.
Jake continued drooling but the drool started to be tainted with blood. His breath got really bad which is another sign of malignant oral melanoma. He also from time to time would squint his eyes in pain but for the most part he was his smiley self. I would clean up his face and his paws from all the bloody drool. It bothered him so much that he would spend a long time licking them clean but it got so bad towards the end that he didn't take care of the mess himself. I didn't mind getting out the baby wipes and giving him a sponge bath. He was my baby and after all he did for me I knew it was my turn to take care of him.
In early December we noticed he wasn't drinking water anymore. Everyday I would take a syringe and squirt water into his mouth. He would also go outside and eat the snow. At every feeding I would put water into his food so he got moisture that way also. I did resort to feeding him canned food so it was softer and hopefully less painful on this mouth.
About two weeks before Christmas I gave him a toy just in case he didn't make it until Christmas. I am so glad I did. He played with that toy for a long time and enjoyed ripping it up. On Christmas Eve we let him open his traditional tennis balls and he went crazy. He loved playing ball for hours on end on Christmas only this year he only got to play with them for less than 5 minutes. His mouth started bleeding quite heavily. The balls were covered in blood and I could see that they were causing him pain so I had to take them away. On Christmas morning he wanted to help Kaci open her presents, the dog loves Christmas and loves opening presents. This has been a struggle every single year, in fact we had to block him out of the family room every year. This year however, I just let him stay in there with us and made him lay down and put the boxes and paper all around him. He was bleeding but I let him have fun. He didn't do to much with the paper because it hurt so bad. Our family came over later that day and I asked them for their opinion. It was hard to know what to do because being around him every day I may have dismissed just how bad he was suffering. They all agreed that it was probably time.
The Monday after Christmas Kaci had her tonsils out and Jake seemed to be okay just as he had been. I was still squirting water into his mouth each day but noticed that most of it was coming out. The tumor was growing and his tongue was pushed to the side but it still did not stop him from eating. He was eating his food okay but I know it was painful as he was slowing down quite a bit. I decided to spoil him with canned dog food for the past month and a half so it didn't hurt him as bad.
On New Years day I noticed it took him a very long time to eat his food and when I gave him his drink most of the water I put in his mouth came out. I decided to measure what went in and what fell out and he wasn't getting much at all. Then he started puffing like he does and I was able to get a good glimpse of his jaw and the tumor and I was amazed at how large that tumor had grown. It had also invaded his jaw bone like the doctor said it would. His jaw bone was so red and swollen and the black teeth that we once saw were now encompassed by the tumor and it was moving forward and taking another tooth. I saw how his tongue was literally pushed to the side and it made sense why he couldn't drink let alone keep any of the water in his mouth to swallow. I decided right then and there that we would take him in on Saturday the 2nd and have him put to sleep. We ended up going to a movie that night because we had been trapped in our house since Monday with Kaci and just needed to get out. We came home right after and all of us spend time telling Jaker Maker goodbye. We cried and cried and told him what a good dog he has been all of these years. Even though he was completely deaf I know he still heard us. I decided to lay on the floor next to him on his bed and hold his paw for a while that night. I also woke up early and did the same thing. I waited until the vet opened at 8:00AM and called for the appointment. I was given at 10:15 appointment and that was all they had as they were squeezing us in. I then took him out to the kitchen to give him his last meal. I was going to feel him extra but I saw how much he was struggling with his normal amount that I decided against it. I then spend the rest of the time with him. Telling him again how much I loved him and thanked him for his friendship all of those years.
It was getting close to the time we needed to leave and when I took him to the car he started shaking. He was always so nervous on car rides that for many years we only took him when we went camping or to the vet. We never put him through car rides for any other reason. I rode in the back seat with him and when we got to the office I went in by myself to pay for everything while Jeff, Kaci, Jake and our other dog Ely waited in the car. When it was time I came out to get them and we walked into that same room where Abby died only 2 months ago. I asked for a blanket for him to lay on. I sat over the top of him and held his head in my one arm while the other arm was wrapped underneath him. He was so scared and shaking so bad, it was awful but I also knew it would be over very soon and then none of this would matter to him anymore. They injected the sleepy medicine first and I felt him relax and then they injected the medicine to stop his heart. The vein in his leg collapsed and they didn't get enough medicine in to stop his heart so they had to put it in the other leg. It was okay though because he was sedated and it was still a very peaceful process. I felt his release when his heart stopped and knowing that he could run as fast as he could without any pain, he could see and hear again and most of all that ugly monster in his mouth would be no more. I can only imagine his and Abby's reunion as well as his best buddy Harley's (our friends dog who passed a few years before). I imagine that the first thing he did was go get a huge drink of water and then jump in the lake to swim.
I know I will see my babies again someday. I am so thankful for their friendship and unconditional love over the years. I am also so glad for this last "bonus" year. I call it a bonus year because I know they could have gone while I was undergoing my cancer treatments. Each day in my prayers I would ask to be able to keep my babies while I went through everything. I cannot imagine having to go through losing them when I was at my very worst. I am so thankful for this past summer with them too. We had such a good time camping and making memories to last a lifetime. I feel in my heart that everything happened perfectly with them. The timing was just right. I miss them so very much and I would give anything to have them back in my life and healthy again. I know time will help heal my broken heart but I will never forget them. When I die I want them to be the first faces I see. They were my children and people that don't have animals would never understand. Those of you that do understand perfectly. I am such an animal lover and will do anything and everything to help an animal in need. It is my passion.
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| Our new baby Jake 2002 |
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| He grew so fast |
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| Jakers loved to play in the water and mud |
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| He was such a beautiful boy, he should have been a calendar model |
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| In his younger years this was one of his favorite activities |
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| With his sister Abby, these two were best friends |
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| Jakey laughing at something! |
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| Hanging out with his human sister. We had to watch him close, he was not as gentle as Abby. |
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| 2014 at Grand Teton National Park. He had his hair shaved this summer. |
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| With his other sister Ely in 2015. He was such a good big brother. |
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| 2015 Christmas Day. It wasn't the same this year knowing he was leaving us soon and not feeling good. |
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| Kaci saying goodbye. It was so hard to say goodbye but we knew we couldn't leave him suffering any longer. |
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Another great doctor on my team
Last week I met with a new OB/GYN. She came highly recommended and because of that I had to wait 2 months to get into see her. When I got there I had to wait 2-1/2 hours after my appointment to see her as she was behind. I was getting a little fidgety towards the end but kept calm and read magazines while I waited. I was hoping she was worth the wait!
My blood pressure looked great and they took me to the room for an exam. After the exam she said that she would do the vaginal ultrasound as well to look at my ovaries and uterine lining (remember Tamoxifen can cause uterine cancer and it is very important that they check the uterine lining). Also breast and ovarian cancer are very closely related. I was so glad that she could do that right there in the office and I wouldn't have to schedule another appointment. Last year right before I started chemo I had my annual exam and then had to have another appointment for the ultrasound.
Knowing that she was so far behind I didn't feel like she was rushing me at all. She talked to me about everything that went on this last year through and through. What a kind and caring soul she was. She decided before she has me try anything different for my menopause symptoms she wanted to run a full blood panel and check everything to see if it is all still working after chemo.
After we were done she walked me to the lab to have my blood drawn and she asked me if she could give me a hug, I of course said yes. I love hugs and I love it when I know people really do care about me and all that I have been through. She gave me the longest hug and said how much she admired my bravery for everything I went through. She also said that she wants to see me every 6 months rather than once a year. She reassured me that she is going to take very good care of me. How did I get so lucky and score another great doctor to be part of my team? I guess I do have good luck sometimes.
I got the results of my blood work back this week and of course my cholesterol is still super high. And my Vitamin D levels are really low even though I have been taking a supplement for over 6 months. Apparently when you are in menopause you need more Vitamin D that what is on the label. I was told to increase to 10,000 ui per day and she also started me on some other holistic supplements to see if that will lower my cholesterol. She didn't want to start me on a Statin right now with the other drugs that I am taking. I have also started Gabapentin to see if that will help my hot flashes. So far I am a week into it and I haven't noticed a change. I am not giving up hope just yet, I want to give it at least a month. She also recommended a low carb diet to help me lose some of the weight I have gained during my treatment. I have been exercising faithfully for over 4 months and trying to watch what I eat but I cannot lose a pound. She said a low carb diet should help me lose some weight especially since it is harder to lose weight after menopause, it is crazy to me that our hormones control so much of our bodies. While it is going to be very hard for me because I love pasta, potatoes and rice so much, I will give it a try. I am hoping for good results. I go back to see her in February for a followup and I am hoping I can be 10-15 pounds lighter and to see if these herbal remedies are helping my cholesterol situation and also if the increased Vitamin D has helped my levels. Vitamin D is very important to help my bones. Now that I am in menopause at such a young age my bone loss will be sped up by quite a few years and if I am going to live a long time I want my bones to be as healthy as possible.
I am so unhappy with my appearance lately and I think that the further away I get from treatment the harder it gets for me to look in the mirror. Sometimes I wonder if it is because I feel more "normal" now and I feel like I should look like I did before cancer or what. Anyway it is a hard internal battle right now. I need to remind myself that what is on the outside doesn't matter as much as what is on the inside.
I still have brain fog from the chemo treatments that make me forget things rather easily. I also tend to make a lot of mistakes at work. It is really frustrating to me but honestly there isn't anything I can do about it. I also get overwhelmed really easy especially with Kaci. She has so much energy and sometimes I just shut down. It is all I can do and I feel so bad that I can't be there 100% for her. I am hoping with time that this will go away but from what I hear it is usually permanent. The chemo drugs are very strong and do kill brain cells while they are killing cancer and some of them just do not grow back. I like to try and keep my life simple and worry free but there are times in life that just don't happen that way.
I am looking forward to the Christmas season. There really is a feeling in the air that is not there any other time of year. My shopping is done and this was the first year ever that I did not stress about it. Things really don't get to me the way they used to. I am a lot less stressed out about everything these days which is good but sometimes I should worry or stress more about things than I do.
My next doctors appointment is next week with my surgeon. She will do a thorough exam on my chest wall to make sure that I don't have anything growing back. She is a great and wonderful doctor herself who always gives me a hug when I leave. I have never encountered doctors quite like these. I am seriously so thankful for each and every one of them that truly care about me.
My blood pressure looked great and they took me to the room for an exam. After the exam she said that she would do the vaginal ultrasound as well to look at my ovaries and uterine lining (remember Tamoxifen can cause uterine cancer and it is very important that they check the uterine lining). Also breast and ovarian cancer are very closely related. I was so glad that she could do that right there in the office and I wouldn't have to schedule another appointment. Last year right before I started chemo I had my annual exam and then had to have another appointment for the ultrasound.
Knowing that she was so far behind I didn't feel like she was rushing me at all. She talked to me about everything that went on this last year through and through. What a kind and caring soul she was. She decided before she has me try anything different for my menopause symptoms she wanted to run a full blood panel and check everything to see if it is all still working after chemo.
After we were done she walked me to the lab to have my blood drawn and she asked me if she could give me a hug, I of course said yes. I love hugs and I love it when I know people really do care about me and all that I have been through. She gave me the longest hug and said how much she admired my bravery for everything I went through. She also said that she wants to see me every 6 months rather than once a year. She reassured me that she is going to take very good care of me. How did I get so lucky and score another great doctor to be part of my team? I guess I do have good luck sometimes.
I got the results of my blood work back this week and of course my cholesterol is still super high. And my Vitamin D levels are really low even though I have been taking a supplement for over 6 months. Apparently when you are in menopause you need more Vitamin D that what is on the label. I was told to increase to 10,000 ui per day and she also started me on some other holistic supplements to see if that will lower my cholesterol. She didn't want to start me on a Statin right now with the other drugs that I am taking. I have also started Gabapentin to see if that will help my hot flashes. So far I am a week into it and I haven't noticed a change. I am not giving up hope just yet, I want to give it at least a month. She also recommended a low carb diet to help me lose some of the weight I have gained during my treatment. I have been exercising faithfully for over 4 months and trying to watch what I eat but I cannot lose a pound. She said a low carb diet should help me lose some weight especially since it is harder to lose weight after menopause, it is crazy to me that our hormones control so much of our bodies. While it is going to be very hard for me because I love pasta, potatoes and rice so much, I will give it a try. I am hoping for good results. I go back to see her in February for a followup and I am hoping I can be 10-15 pounds lighter and to see if these herbal remedies are helping my cholesterol situation and also if the increased Vitamin D has helped my levels. Vitamin D is very important to help my bones. Now that I am in menopause at such a young age my bone loss will be sped up by quite a few years and if I am going to live a long time I want my bones to be as healthy as possible.
I am so unhappy with my appearance lately and I think that the further away I get from treatment the harder it gets for me to look in the mirror. Sometimes I wonder if it is because I feel more "normal" now and I feel like I should look like I did before cancer or what. Anyway it is a hard internal battle right now. I need to remind myself that what is on the outside doesn't matter as much as what is on the inside.
I still have brain fog from the chemo treatments that make me forget things rather easily. I also tend to make a lot of mistakes at work. It is really frustrating to me but honestly there isn't anything I can do about it. I also get overwhelmed really easy especially with Kaci. She has so much energy and sometimes I just shut down. It is all I can do and I feel so bad that I can't be there 100% for her. I am hoping with time that this will go away but from what I hear it is usually permanent. The chemo drugs are very strong and do kill brain cells while they are killing cancer and some of them just do not grow back. I like to try and keep my life simple and worry free but there are times in life that just don't happen that way.
I am looking forward to the Christmas season. There really is a feeling in the air that is not there any other time of year. My shopping is done and this was the first year ever that I did not stress about it. Things really don't get to me the way they used to. I am a lot less stressed out about everything these days which is good but sometimes I should worry or stress more about things than I do.
My next doctors appointment is next week with my surgeon. She will do a thorough exam on my chest wall to make sure that I don't have anything growing back. She is a great and wonderful doctor herself who always gives me a hug when I leave. I have never encountered doctors quite like these. I am seriously so thankful for each and every one of them that truly care about me.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Thankful
As this month comes to a close I want everybody to know how thankful I am. I am thankful for feeling so good lately. I am thankful that I am where I am today and not where I was last year at this time. I am thankful for great family and friends that helped me so much this past year especially my dear kind neighbors who delivered countless meals to us. I know it was not easy for them as they had their own families to take care of.
Thanksgiving was wonderful. We made the dinner at our house and even with the power going out numerous times and taking the turkey to my mom's house to cook it all turned out just fine. We just kept laughing about it because it was crazy. It seriously would go off for less than a minute and then turn back on. Each time it went off we had to turn the oven back on. After about the 15th time we gave up and that is when we took the turkey to my mom's. Our family all came over and helped with the last minute preparations and dinner turned out wonderful. After dinner we hit Wal-Mart. Thanksgiving is not complete without Black Friday shopping at Wal-Mart. I was a little disappointed though, it was not nearly as crazy as it has been in the past. I guess it was good that it was so organized this year because nobody got hurt. We got what we went for and then went over to Kohl's for a few minutes. After Kohl's we were ready to go home. I didn't have anything else that I needed and I wasn't about to spend unnecessary money.
My Jakey Boy (yellow lab) is not going to be around much longer and that made Thanksgiving a little hard for me emotionally. I was so looking forward to the holiday's this year after what I went through last year but with Abby leaving us on Halloween, then taking Jake to the vet the Tuesday before Thanksgiving also thinking that he must have some teeth that are giving him problems, they found a huge cancerous tumor in his mouth. I was told it is one of three kinds of oral cancer and they are very aggressive. The vet said that this will end his life. He sent us home with a strong pain killer and prepared us for what is to come. I am hoping to be able to keep him through Christmas as Christmas is his favorite holiday. He seriously likes to unwrap presents, I cannot put any presents under my tree or he will get them and tear them to shreds. I do know that even if he is around on Christmas that it won't be the same, his mouth is sore and I doubt he will play with his new tennis balls we got him let alone help all of us unwrap our presents. Jake and Abby were my first kids, we got them both after we got married and they have always been a part of our family. I miss Abby so much and now knowing that Jake will be going soon it is too much to bear. I am a wreck emotionally. I think this waiting and wondering when it is "time" is the hardest part. I am hoping he will pass on his own but likely it is a decision that we will have to make for him. He wasn't doing very good on Thanksgiving and I really thought we were going to have to do it on Friday or Saturday but those "magic" pain pills have really given him that sparkle back in his eyes. I know he is still in pain, how could you not be with a half a golf ball size tumor under your tongue? But he does appear to be much more comfortable and happier. I know his quality of life is about gone but for now we are spoiling him with table food and soft canned dog food. I really can't bear giving him the hard food because it has to hurt him.
Anyway, I still have so much to be thankful for and I am most thankful for getting Jake and Abby all of these years and having them by my side this past year as I went through everything. I do know and understand that at 13 years old (almost 14years old) that it is clearly the end of their lives. I am comforted by the fact that I know they will be in a good place and be happy and free from all their earthly pain.
Thanksgiving was wonderful. We made the dinner at our house and even with the power going out numerous times and taking the turkey to my mom's house to cook it all turned out just fine. We just kept laughing about it because it was crazy. It seriously would go off for less than a minute and then turn back on. Each time it went off we had to turn the oven back on. After about the 15th time we gave up and that is when we took the turkey to my mom's. Our family all came over and helped with the last minute preparations and dinner turned out wonderful. After dinner we hit Wal-Mart. Thanksgiving is not complete without Black Friday shopping at Wal-Mart. I was a little disappointed though, it was not nearly as crazy as it has been in the past. I guess it was good that it was so organized this year because nobody got hurt. We got what we went for and then went over to Kohl's for a few minutes. After Kohl's we were ready to go home. I didn't have anything else that I needed and I wasn't about to spend unnecessary money.
My Jakey Boy (yellow lab) is not going to be around much longer and that made Thanksgiving a little hard for me emotionally. I was so looking forward to the holiday's this year after what I went through last year but with Abby leaving us on Halloween, then taking Jake to the vet the Tuesday before Thanksgiving also thinking that he must have some teeth that are giving him problems, they found a huge cancerous tumor in his mouth. I was told it is one of three kinds of oral cancer and they are very aggressive. The vet said that this will end his life. He sent us home with a strong pain killer and prepared us for what is to come. I am hoping to be able to keep him through Christmas as Christmas is his favorite holiday. He seriously likes to unwrap presents, I cannot put any presents under my tree or he will get them and tear them to shreds. I do know that even if he is around on Christmas that it won't be the same, his mouth is sore and I doubt he will play with his new tennis balls we got him let alone help all of us unwrap our presents. Jake and Abby were my first kids, we got them both after we got married and they have always been a part of our family. I miss Abby so much and now knowing that Jake will be going soon it is too much to bear. I am a wreck emotionally. I think this waiting and wondering when it is "time" is the hardest part. I am hoping he will pass on his own but likely it is a decision that we will have to make for him. He wasn't doing very good on Thanksgiving and I really thought we were going to have to do it on Friday or Saturday but those "magic" pain pills have really given him that sparkle back in his eyes. I know he is still in pain, how could you not be with a half a golf ball size tumor under your tongue? But he does appear to be much more comfortable and happier. I know his quality of life is about gone but for now we are spoiling him with table food and soft canned dog food. I really can't bear giving him the hard food because it has to hurt him.
Anyway, I still have so much to be thankful for and I am most thankful for getting Jake and Abby all of these years and having them by my side this past year as I went through everything. I do know and understand that at 13 years old (almost 14years old) that it is clearly the end of their lives. I am comforted by the fact that I know they will be in a good place and be happy and free from all their earthly pain.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Another 3 month check up
Today I had another 3 month check up with my oncologist. I really didn't have any anxiety leading up to the appointment but I did have anxiety right before it. I had to talk to myself many times to settle down. I wasn't anxious about the appointment itself, I was anxious to step foot into the office. I honestly feel like my diagnosis and treatments were forever ago, in another life even. So when I have to go back to that office for an appointment it is almost like a slap in the face. Reality sets in that this really did happen and I am forever changed by it. Jeff met me in the parking lot and we walked in together. I held my head high and opened the door and walked right in to the reception desk and checked in myself. Normally, I had Jeff do it for me just because I had such a hard time mentally doing it myself. I am so thankful for my husband and all the support he continues to give me.
I got called back shortly after we checked in and my blood was drawn from my one good arm, except I didn't drink a thing before my appointment so it was difficult and slow to get enough blood for the tests. I stepped on the scale and have even lost a few pounds since my last appointment in August. I wish I could lose more but I have many other things to focus on rather than fighting with my weight. Of course menopause makes it darn near impossible to lose it anyway and life is short so I chose to focus on other things that bring me happiness. My appearance isn't everything and while I do look a lot different these days with my weight and my short curly old lady hairstyle, I continue to be happy. I am happy to be healthy and alive and do all the fun things I like to do.
Next we met with my doctor and he said my blood test results look great. I told him I have been feeling great. I still have some pain in my legs but walking on the treadmill 3-5 times a week seems to be helping them. I also mentioned some pain in the chest area but I think it is from the radiation, scar tissue etc. and he agreed. He said as long as I didn't feel any lumps or bumps I should be okay. I still have hot flashes like crazy and so we discussed the anti-seizure medication Gabapentin because I absolutely refuse to take any anti-anxiety medication for hot flashes, I do not like their side effects or the way your body becomes dependent on them . He pulled up a study of women who were experiencing hot flashes who were on this medication and also a placebo and studies show that this medication really helped cool quite a few of the women's hot flashes. I think I am going to give it a try. He called in the prescription for me but I am not going to take it just yet. I have an appointment on December 3rd with another doctor who specializes in helping women through menopause without the use of hormone therapy. I really want to see what she has to say before I start something new. The big side effects of this drug are sleepiness and possible swelling in the ankles and feet. He said it is such a low dose that I shouldn't experience too many side effects. He said to take it at night before bed and hopefully I will get better sleep due to the drug making you sleepy and the hot flashes will diminish a bit. I am still up 4-6 times a night with hot flashes and with every hot flash I have, I need to go to the bathroom. What I wouldn't give for a good nights sleep!!!!!
Next he said he is going to test my estrogen levels because my cycle has yet to return. The results this time won't mean anything but when I go back for my next followup he will test them again and see if there is any progress and hopefully determine if I am in permanent premature menopause due to chemotherapy treatments or if maybe it is just taking a while for my system to wake up. He said that most women who have a menstrual cycle before starting chemotherapy continue to have them after the treatment concludes. He even said the chemotherapy drugs he gave me don't generally cause a women to go into menopause. Either way I don't care because the hormone blockers I have to take for 10 years or longer will keep me in a state of menopause anyway, however the hot flashes wouldn't be so frequent and intense should my cycle return. I told him that I questioned chemotherapy because of what it has done to me, it really has diminished my quality of life. Until you experience these frequent (at least 1 an hour all day and night long) hot flashes along with heart racing, sweating, and an over all anxious feeling you wouldn't understand. There are even some that I have to sit or lie down, they literally knock me off of my feet. He then gave me the pep talk. He said that I am alive and well and I am able to continue seeing my daughter grow up and get to enjoy life experiences and of course I could not deny that!!! He then said that this won't go on forever, that over time they will start to diminish and hopefully go away all together. He said when I am 55 I should not be having any of these and I made the remark that some of my friends might be starting them and I will be all finished with them and he said yip! So I said that is good news and I guess I am just getting them over with early other than mine are more intense than if you go through menopause naturally but it is what it is. He said the only thing that would help me is hormone therapy and I asked him what if I wanted that, if I cannot handle these any more would he give it to me. He said he would not. I have such a high risk breast cancer that there is no way he would ever prescribe that to me and I said what if I found another doctor to give it to me then he said I couldn't be his patient any longer. We were laughing a little bit because I was half joking and half serious and I turned to him and said you love me that much? He said of course he does and he wants to see me alive and well. I totally understand and I won't even keep that thought of hormone therapy in my head any longer. I will remove it and just know that this is not an option for me, mainly because I don't want to find another oncologist, ha, ha. I love my doctor so much!!!
Anyway enough complaining about hot flashes and weight gain and all the other crappy things that come along with menopause. This was a great appointment and I received another clean bill of health.
One last note I graduated to 4 month follow up appointments now!!!!! Jeff was so cute when the doctor said that, he said "congratulations babe you made it". My next follow up isn't until March of 2016. Then Jeff and I went out to lunch to celebrate and then back to work for the day.
Update: I received my lab results back on the hormone levels. My estridol level is 8.1 PG/ML and FSH level is 53.9 MIU/ML. I have not talked with my doctor but when I searched online because that is what I do, these levels are consistent with menopause and the chances of having my ovaries wake up is pretty much a no go. We will test them again in 4 months when I go back to see if there are any changes.
I got called back shortly after we checked in and my blood was drawn from my one good arm, except I didn't drink a thing before my appointment so it was difficult and slow to get enough blood for the tests. I stepped on the scale and have even lost a few pounds since my last appointment in August. I wish I could lose more but I have many other things to focus on rather than fighting with my weight. Of course menopause makes it darn near impossible to lose it anyway and life is short so I chose to focus on other things that bring me happiness. My appearance isn't everything and while I do look a lot different these days with my weight and my short curly old lady hairstyle, I continue to be happy. I am happy to be healthy and alive and do all the fun things I like to do.
Next we met with my doctor and he said my blood test results look great. I told him I have been feeling great. I still have some pain in my legs but walking on the treadmill 3-5 times a week seems to be helping them. I also mentioned some pain in the chest area but I think it is from the radiation, scar tissue etc. and he agreed. He said as long as I didn't feel any lumps or bumps I should be okay. I still have hot flashes like crazy and so we discussed the anti-seizure medication Gabapentin because I absolutely refuse to take any anti-anxiety medication for hot flashes, I do not like their side effects or the way your body becomes dependent on them . He pulled up a study of women who were experiencing hot flashes who were on this medication and also a placebo and studies show that this medication really helped cool quite a few of the women's hot flashes. I think I am going to give it a try. He called in the prescription for me but I am not going to take it just yet. I have an appointment on December 3rd with another doctor who specializes in helping women through menopause without the use of hormone therapy. I really want to see what she has to say before I start something new. The big side effects of this drug are sleepiness and possible swelling in the ankles and feet. He said it is such a low dose that I shouldn't experience too many side effects. He said to take it at night before bed and hopefully I will get better sleep due to the drug making you sleepy and the hot flashes will diminish a bit. I am still up 4-6 times a night with hot flashes and with every hot flash I have, I need to go to the bathroom. What I wouldn't give for a good nights sleep!!!!!
Next he said he is going to test my estrogen levels because my cycle has yet to return. The results this time won't mean anything but when I go back for my next followup he will test them again and see if there is any progress and hopefully determine if I am in permanent premature menopause due to chemotherapy treatments or if maybe it is just taking a while for my system to wake up. He said that most women who have a menstrual cycle before starting chemotherapy continue to have them after the treatment concludes. He even said the chemotherapy drugs he gave me don't generally cause a women to go into menopause. Either way I don't care because the hormone blockers I have to take for 10 years or longer will keep me in a state of menopause anyway, however the hot flashes wouldn't be so frequent and intense should my cycle return. I told him that I questioned chemotherapy because of what it has done to me, it really has diminished my quality of life. Until you experience these frequent (at least 1 an hour all day and night long) hot flashes along with heart racing, sweating, and an over all anxious feeling you wouldn't understand. There are even some that I have to sit or lie down, they literally knock me off of my feet. He then gave me the pep talk. He said that I am alive and well and I am able to continue seeing my daughter grow up and get to enjoy life experiences and of course I could not deny that!!! He then said that this won't go on forever, that over time they will start to diminish and hopefully go away all together. He said when I am 55 I should not be having any of these and I made the remark that some of my friends might be starting them and I will be all finished with them and he said yip! So I said that is good news and I guess I am just getting them over with early other than mine are more intense than if you go through menopause naturally but it is what it is. He said the only thing that would help me is hormone therapy and I asked him what if I wanted that, if I cannot handle these any more would he give it to me. He said he would not. I have such a high risk breast cancer that there is no way he would ever prescribe that to me and I said what if I found another doctor to give it to me then he said I couldn't be his patient any longer. We were laughing a little bit because I was half joking and half serious and I turned to him and said you love me that much? He said of course he does and he wants to see me alive and well. I totally understand and I won't even keep that thought of hormone therapy in my head any longer. I will remove it and just know that this is not an option for me, mainly because I don't want to find another oncologist, ha, ha. I love my doctor so much!!!
Anyway enough complaining about hot flashes and weight gain and all the other crappy things that come along with menopause. This was a great appointment and I received another clean bill of health.
One last note I graduated to 4 month follow up appointments now!!!!! Jeff was so cute when the doctor said that, he said "congratulations babe you made it". My next follow up isn't until March of 2016. Then Jeff and I went out to lunch to celebrate and then back to work for the day.
Update: I received my lab results back on the hormone levels. My estridol level is 8.1 PG/ML and FSH level is 53.9 MIU/ML. I have not talked with my doctor but when I searched online because that is what I do, these levels are consistent with menopause and the chances of having my ovaries wake up is pretty much a no go. We will test them again in 4 months when I go back to see if there are any changes.
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