As this month comes to a close I want everybody to know how thankful I am. I am thankful for feeling so good lately. I am thankful that I am where I am today and not where I was last year at this time. I am thankful for great family and friends that helped me so much this past year especially my dear kind neighbors who delivered countless meals to us. I know it was not easy for them as they had their own families to take care of.
Thanksgiving was wonderful. We made the dinner at our house and even with the power going out numerous times and taking the turkey to my mom's house to cook it all turned out just fine. We just kept laughing about it because it was crazy. It seriously would go off for less than a minute and then turn back on. Each time it went off we had to turn the oven back on. After about the 15th time we gave up and that is when we took the turkey to my mom's. Our family all came over and helped with the last minute preparations and dinner turned out wonderful. After dinner we hit Wal-Mart. Thanksgiving is not complete without Black Friday shopping at Wal-Mart. I was a little disappointed though, it was not nearly as crazy as it has been in the past. I guess it was good that it was so organized this year because nobody got hurt. We got what we went for and then went over to Kohl's for a few minutes. After Kohl's we were ready to go home. I didn't have anything else that I needed and I wasn't about to spend unnecessary money.
My Jakey Boy (yellow lab) is not going to be around much longer and that made Thanksgiving a little hard for me emotionally. I was so looking forward to the holiday's this year after what I went through last year but with Abby leaving us on Halloween, then taking Jake to the vet the Tuesday before Thanksgiving also thinking that he must have some teeth that are giving him problems, they found a huge cancerous tumor in his mouth. I was told it is one of three kinds of oral cancer and they are very aggressive. The vet said that this will end his life. He sent us home with a strong pain killer and prepared us for what is to come. I am hoping to be able to keep him through Christmas as Christmas is his favorite holiday. He seriously likes to unwrap presents, I cannot put any presents under my tree or he will get them and tear them to shreds. I do know that even if he is around on Christmas that it won't be the same, his mouth is sore and I doubt he will play with his new tennis balls we got him let alone help all of us unwrap our presents. Jake and Abby were my first kids, we got them both after we got married and they have always been a part of our family. I miss Abby so much and now knowing that Jake will be going soon it is too much to bear. I am a wreck emotionally. I think this waiting and wondering when it is "time" is the hardest part. I am hoping he will pass on his own but likely it is a decision that we will have to make for him. He wasn't doing very good on Thanksgiving and I really thought we were going to have to do it on Friday or Saturday but those "magic" pain pills have really given him that sparkle back in his eyes. I know he is still in pain, how could you not be with a half a golf ball size tumor under your tongue? But he does appear to be much more comfortable and happier. I know his quality of life is about gone but for now we are spoiling him with table food and soft canned dog food. I really can't bear giving him the hard food because it has to hurt him.
Anyway, I still have so much to be thankful for and I am most thankful for getting Jake and Abby all of these years and having them by my side this past year as I went through everything. I do know and understand that at 13 years old (almost 14years old) that it is clearly the end of their lives. I am comforted by the fact that I know they will be in a good place and be happy and free from all their earthly pain.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Another 3 month check up
Today I had another 3 month check up with my oncologist. I really didn't have any anxiety leading up to the appointment but I did have anxiety right before it. I had to talk to myself many times to settle down. I wasn't anxious about the appointment itself, I was anxious to step foot into the office. I honestly feel like my diagnosis and treatments were forever ago, in another life even. So when I have to go back to that office for an appointment it is almost like a slap in the face. Reality sets in that this really did happen and I am forever changed by it. Jeff met me in the parking lot and we walked in together. I held my head high and opened the door and walked right in to the reception desk and checked in myself. Normally, I had Jeff do it for me just because I had such a hard time mentally doing it myself. I am so thankful for my husband and all the support he continues to give me.
I got called back shortly after we checked in and my blood was drawn from my one good arm, except I didn't drink a thing before my appointment so it was difficult and slow to get enough blood for the tests. I stepped on the scale and have even lost a few pounds since my last appointment in August. I wish I could lose more but I have many other things to focus on rather than fighting with my weight. Of course menopause makes it darn near impossible to lose it anyway and life is short so I chose to focus on other things that bring me happiness. My appearance isn't everything and while I do look a lot different these days with my weight and my short curly old lady hairstyle, I continue to be happy. I am happy to be healthy and alive and do all the fun things I like to do.
Next we met with my doctor and he said my blood test results look great. I told him I have been feeling great. I still have some pain in my legs but walking on the treadmill 3-5 times a week seems to be helping them. I also mentioned some pain in the chest area but I think it is from the radiation, scar tissue etc. and he agreed. He said as long as I didn't feel any lumps or bumps I should be okay. I still have hot flashes like crazy and so we discussed the anti-seizure medication Gabapentin because I absolutely refuse to take any anti-anxiety medication for hot flashes, I do not like their side effects or the way your body becomes dependent on them . He pulled up a study of women who were experiencing hot flashes who were on this medication and also a placebo and studies show that this medication really helped cool quite a few of the women's hot flashes. I think I am going to give it a try. He called in the prescription for me but I am not going to take it just yet. I have an appointment on December 3rd with another doctor who specializes in helping women through menopause without the use of hormone therapy. I really want to see what she has to say before I start something new. The big side effects of this drug are sleepiness and possible swelling in the ankles and feet. He said it is such a low dose that I shouldn't experience too many side effects. He said to take it at night before bed and hopefully I will get better sleep due to the drug making you sleepy and the hot flashes will diminish a bit. I am still up 4-6 times a night with hot flashes and with every hot flash I have, I need to go to the bathroom. What I wouldn't give for a good nights sleep!!!!!
Next he said he is going to test my estrogen levels because my cycle has yet to return. The results this time won't mean anything but when I go back for my next followup he will test them again and see if there is any progress and hopefully determine if I am in permanent premature menopause due to chemotherapy treatments or if maybe it is just taking a while for my system to wake up. He said that most women who have a menstrual cycle before starting chemotherapy continue to have them after the treatment concludes. He even said the chemotherapy drugs he gave me don't generally cause a women to go into menopause. Either way I don't care because the hormone blockers I have to take for 10 years or longer will keep me in a state of menopause anyway, however the hot flashes wouldn't be so frequent and intense should my cycle return. I told him that I questioned chemotherapy because of what it has done to me, it really has diminished my quality of life. Until you experience these frequent (at least 1 an hour all day and night long) hot flashes along with heart racing, sweating, and an over all anxious feeling you wouldn't understand. There are even some that I have to sit or lie down, they literally knock me off of my feet. He then gave me the pep talk. He said that I am alive and well and I am able to continue seeing my daughter grow up and get to enjoy life experiences and of course I could not deny that!!! He then said that this won't go on forever, that over time they will start to diminish and hopefully go away all together. He said when I am 55 I should not be having any of these and I made the remark that some of my friends might be starting them and I will be all finished with them and he said yip! So I said that is good news and I guess I am just getting them over with early other than mine are more intense than if you go through menopause naturally but it is what it is. He said the only thing that would help me is hormone therapy and I asked him what if I wanted that, if I cannot handle these any more would he give it to me. He said he would not. I have such a high risk breast cancer that there is no way he would ever prescribe that to me and I said what if I found another doctor to give it to me then he said I couldn't be his patient any longer. We were laughing a little bit because I was half joking and half serious and I turned to him and said you love me that much? He said of course he does and he wants to see me alive and well. I totally understand and I won't even keep that thought of hormone therapy in my head any longer. I will remove it and just know that this is not an option for me, mainly because I don't want to find another oncologist, ha, ha. I love my doctor so much!!!
Anyway enough complaining about hot flashes and weight gain and all the other crappy things that come along with menopause. This was a great appointment and I received another clean bill of health.
One last note I graduated to 4 month follow up appointments now!!!!! Jeff was so cute when the doctor said that, he said "congratulations babe you made it". My next follow up isn't until March of 2016. Then Jeff and I went out to lunch to celebrate and then back to work for the day.
Update: I received my lab results back on the hormone levels. My estridol level is 8.1 PG/ML and FSH level is 53.9 MIU/ML. I have not talked with my doctor but when I searched online because that is what I do, these levels are consistent with menopause and the chances of having my ovaries wake up is pretty much a no go. We will test them again in 4 months when I go back to see if there are any changes.
I got called back shortly after we checked in and my blood was drawn from my one good arm, except I didn't drink a thing before my appointment so it was difficult and slow to get enough blood for the tests. I stepped on the scale and have even lost a few pounds since my last appointment in August. I wish I could lose more but I have many other things to focus on rather than fighting with my weight. Of course menopause makes it darn near impossible to lose it anyway and life is short so I chose to focus on other things that bring me happiness. My appearance isn't everything and while I do look a lot different these days with my weight and my short curly old lady hairstyle, I continue to be happy. I am happy to be healthy and alive and do all the fun things I like to do.
Next we met with my doctor and he said my blood test results look great. I told him I have been feeling great. I still have some pain in my legs but walking on the treadmill 3-5 times a week seems to be helping them. I also mentioned some pain in the chest area but I think it is from the radiation, scar tissue etc. and he agreed. He said as long as I didn't feel any lumps or bumps I should be okay. I still have hot flashes like crazy and so we discussed the anti-seizure medication Gabapentin because I absolutely refuse to take any anti-anxiety medication for hot flashes, I do not like their side effects or the way your body becomes dependent on them . He pulled up a study of women who were experiencing hot flashes who were on this medication and also a placebo and studies show that this medication really helped cool quite a few of the women's hot flashes. I think I am going to give it a try. He called in the prescription for me but I am not going to take it just yet. I have an appointment on December 3rd with another doctor who specializes in helping women through menopause without the use of hormone therapy. I really want to see what she has to say before I start something new. The big side effects of this drug are sleepiness and possible swelling in the ankles and feet. He said it is such a low dose that I shouldn't experience too many side effects. He said to take it at night before bed and hopefully I will get better sleep due to the drug making you sleepy and the hot flashes will diminish a bit. I am still up 4-6 times a night with hot flashes and with every hot flash I have, I need to go to the bathroom. What I wouldn't give for a good nights sleep!!!!!
Next he said he is going to test my estrogen levels because my cycle has yet to return. The results this time won't mean anything but when I go back for my next followup he will test them again and see if there is any progress and hopefully determine if I am in permanent premature menopause due to chemotherapy treatments or if maybe it is just taking a while for my system to wake up. He said that most women who have a menstrual cycle before starting chemotherapy continue to have them after the treatment concludes. He even said the chemotherapy drugs he gave me don't generally cause a women to go into menopause. Either way I don't care because the hormone blockers I have to take for 10 years or longer will keep me in a state of menopause anyway, however the hot flashes wouldn't be so frequent and intense should my cycle return. I told him that I questioned chemotherapy because of what it has done to me, it really has diminished my quality of life. Until you experience these frequent (at least 1 an hour all day and night long) hot flashes along with heart racing, sweating, and an over all anxious feeling you wouldn't understand. There are even some that I have to sit or lie down, they literally knock me off of my feet. He then gave me the pep talk. He said that I am alive and well and I am able to continue seeing my daughter grow up and get to enjoy life experiences and of course I could not deny that!!! He then said that this won't go on forever, that over time they will start to diminish and hopefully go away all together. He said when I am 55 I should not be having any of these and I made the remark that some of my friends might be starting them and I will be all finished with them and he said yip! So I said that is good news and I guess I am just getting them over with early other than mine are more intense than if you go through menopause naturally but it is what it is. He said the only thing that would help me is hormone therapy and I asked him what if I wanted that, if I cannot handle these any more would he give it to me. He said he would not. I have such a high risk breast cancer that there is no way he would ever prescribe that to me and I said what if I found another doctor to give it to me then he said I couldn't be his patient any longer. We were laughing a little bit because I was half joking and half serious and I turned to him and said you love me that much? He said of course he does and he wants to see me alive and well. I totally understand and I won't even keep that thought of hormone therapy in my head any longer. I will remove it and just know that this is not an option for me, mainly because I don't want to find another oncologist, ha, ha. I love my doctor so much!!!
Anyway enough complaining about hot flashes and weight gain and all the other crappy things that come along with menopause. This was a great appointment and I received another clean bill of health.
One last note I graduated to 4 month follow up appointments now!!!!! Jeff was so cute when the doctor said that, he said "congratulations babe you made it". My next follow up isn't until March of 2016. Then Jeff and I went out to lunch to celebrate and then back to work for the day.
Update: I received my lab results back on the hormone levels. My estridol level is 8.1 PG/ML and FSH level is 53.9 MIU/ML. I have not talked with my doctor but when I searched online because that is what I do, these levels are consistent with menopause and the chances of having my ovaries wake up is pretty much a no go. We will test them again in 4 months when I go back to see if there are any changes.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
One year since diagnosis
Today, November 3rd, 2015 marks one year since I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. I was anticipating this day and how I would feel. Honestly I feel like it was ages ago that I had cancer and finished my treatments. I suppose that is a good thing. I also have a lot of other things that are currently happening that are on my mind instead of cancer. I am still missing my Abby girl like crazy. The routines we had with her are still fresh in my mind and I even find myself starting to grab her dish to feed her and looking for her to let her outside. Then my Kaci girl is sick with strep throat again, this is the 2nd time in 2 months. She seems to get strep and ear infections quite often. Because of her allergic reaction to 2 different classes of antibiotics they suggested we look at getting her tonsils out. I have made an appointment with an ear, nose and throat doctor and I am hoping we can do the surgery after Christmas when I am off of work and she is off of school. On top of all of this my credit card was compromised last Friday so I don't have access to my account. I should get everything a little later this week and then I need to go through the process to set up my bills with the new card number. It is such a pain!
So here I am on this super windy, rainy day. I am just going through the normal routines of my day. I am thankful for where I am at today. I feel really good emotionally even though I do have my moments when I get scared because I do not know what my future holds. I am ready to make vacation plans for next year but I get nervous to do so because that is so far out. I think I do better to make vacation plans after my 3 month doctor appointments when I get the all clear. I am trying my best to look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. These two holidays are very hard for me because of last year. I had my double mastectomy surgery a week before Thanksgiving so I had to have my family all pitch in and help out on Thanksgiving. I had them buy and bring things as well as help out with the last minute details in the kitchen. While they didn't mind it hurt me to know that I could not buy all the groceries and do it all myself. This year I will buy and do it all myself. I like to give them a day off. After all the years growing up they did so much on the holiday's to make it special for us, now it is our turn. I am looking forward to going black Friday shopping on Thanksgiving night this year. I know I am crazy but it is something I really love to do. Last year I was able to go to Walmart and that was it. I was totally wiped out. I am also looking forward to not having to put up my Christmas tree a week and a half before Thanksgiving like I did last year. I plan on enjoying Thanksgiving and then put up my Christmas decorations the next day. I am not as excited about Christmas as I used to be, at least the commercial part of it. Having cancer and starting chemo treatments in December have stolen some of that from me. I haven't really even started Christmas shopping and usually by now I have most of it done. I really need to enjoy the holiday's with my family this year and get out of my funk. I seriously don't know how many more we will all have together. Life changes fast and with God in control we really don't know what will happen.
So for today, I will try and make it as good as possible and not think about what happened last year. I look forward to many more good years being cancer free!
So here I am on this super windy, rainy day. I am just going through the normal routines of my day. I am thankful for where I am at today. I feel really good emotionally even though I do have my moments when I get scared because I do not know what my future holds. I am ready to make vacation plans for next year but I get nervous to do so because that is so far out. I think I do better to make vacation plans after my 3 month doctor appointments when I get the all clear. I am trying my best to look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. These two holidays are very hard for me because of last year. I had my double mastectomy surgery a week before Thanksgiving so I had to have my family all pitch in and help out on Thanksgiving. I had them buy and bring things as well as help out with the last minute details in the kitchen. While they didn't mind it hurt me to know that I could not buy all the groceries and do it all myself. This year I will buy and do it all myself. I like to give them a day off. After all the years growing up they did so much on the holiday's to make it special for us, now it is our turn. I am looking forward to going black Friday shopping on Thanksgiving night this year. I know I am crazy but it is something I really love to do. Last year I was able to go to Walmart and that was it. I was totally wiped out. I am also looking forward to not having to put up my Christmas tree a week and a half before Thanksgiving like I did last year. I plan on enjoying Thanksgiving and then put up my Christmas decorations the next day. I am not as excited about Christmas as I used to be, at least the commercial part of it. Having cancer and starting chemo treatments in December have stolen some of that from me. I haven't really even started Christmas shopping and usually by now I have most of it done. I really need to enjoy the holiday's with my family this year and get out of my funk. I seriously don't know how many more we will all have together. Life changes fast and with God in control we really don't know what will happen.
So for today, I will try and make it as good as possible and not think about what happened last year. I look forward to many more good years being cancer free!
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