I write this a day later but want to document what happened. Last
Monday, October 6th, 2014 I was laying in bed and decided to do a self
exam. I found something that was quite hard in my right breast. I
immediately got a little nervous but tried to dismiss it and forget
about it. Tuesday, October 7th, 2014 as I was laying in bed again I
thought I would feel again and sure enough it was still there. On
Wednesday, October 8th I was talking to Jeff on the phone while I was at work. I told him what I felt and he said that I should call the
doctor so I did. I was able to get into Mari Stuart at 10:00AM, she
did a breast exam and ordered a mammogram and ultrasound for Wednesday,
October 14th and 1:00PM. She said that there is a 90% chance that it is just
breast tissue and part of my cycle. That did set my mind at ease a
little bit for my appointment in a week but I was still a little nervous
My
mom offered to go with me to the appointment with me but I told her I
thought I would be okay and it was probably just breast tissue. I
honestly felt like that is all it was going to be. Jeff even told me on
Monday, October 13th that he could maybe go with me and I told him not
to worry, it is too hard rearranging his schedule and I would be fine.
Wednesday,
October 15th I arrived at Ogden Clinic for my mammogram and
ultrasound. They did the mammogram first. The girl put a piece a of small
tape in the area of the lump and proceeded with the mammogram. She said she
would start with 4 pictures and see how they looked and then might have
to do 4 more. She ended up doing the 2 more for a total of 6. I asked
her if she could see the mass and she said she wasn't allowed to talk
about it but she would see if the radiologist could read it for me after
the ultrasound. After that I went to the ultrasound and she
started with my left breast, I thought I was only going to have the
right one done but she said when a breast ultra-sound is ordered, they
do both. She did the left first then went to the right, I started
getting really nervous when she took a lot of extra time on the right
one. I asked her what she saw and she said she was going to have the
doctor come in as well and explain it. By this time I was shaking, I
was so scared. He wanted her to do it again and get additional pictures
while he watched. I asked
them what they saw and he said he would explain it after they took more
pictures. They then had me sit up and he showed me the mass. It is not
symmetrical and he said the area for concern are the jagged edges all
around it. He said I would need a biopsy. I started to cry and he
understood and was so kind. They said they could do the biopsy that
very day. I asked if I could call mom and Jeff and they said I could. I
tried and tried to get a hold of them and they would not answer. I
told them I still wanted to do it and not wait another day. I had to go
see Jane who booked an appointment with a surgeon for the next week
when pathology gets the results. Now I was really scared, a surgeon?
Really? She knew I was scared and shaking and gave me a huge hug. She
said she would come into the biopsy room with me and hold my hand while
the other two, the ultra sound tech and the doctor worked on me. I then
went to the room where they did the biopsy. They numbed me first and
then proceeded. They had to clip out 3 samples to send to pathology. I
couldn't feel much but because I was so scared I started shaking really
bad, they asked if I was okay and I told them I was okay but I couldn't
stop shaking. He said that is my body's natural response to fear and
it was okay. Jane kept my hand in hers the whole time. There were even
a couple of times when he was clipping the sample that blood squirted
on my face. The whole procedure took about 1/2 hour. They inserted a
metal clip where they clipped samples of the mass mass and I had to go for another mammogram
to verify the placement of the clip. After I was done Jane came to talk
with me and handed me a baggie that she said had goodies in it.
Everything was PINK for breast cancer awareness. I didn't even look in
it, I DON'T WANT TO LOOK IN IT. It made this 10 times worse than it
already was. I don't want to admit that I have breast cancer but all
the signs are there and the way they were treating me and talking to me led me to believe that I might just have cancer. I won't find out
for a good week until I meet with the surgeon.
I am praying for a miracle but I feel in my heart that this is not good.
I
asked Jeff yesterday to see if he can increase my life insurance since
it is open enrollment. I want to make sure my family is taken care of
should this not turn out well.
I am torn on if I should fight
this or not. The only reason I think I will is because of Kaci. She is
too young and I want to see her reach the rest of her upcoming milestones, like braces, her first date, marriage and her
first child. I may not get to see all of these from Earth but I sure
hope that I do. I have never been so scared in my entire life. I
didn't sleep much last night. I did take Benadryl to help me sleep and I got about 4 hours
of good sleep but after that I was awake and sick to my stomach all
night long. I am still shaking a bit and cannot get rid of it. It is
consuming my mind.
I will write again when I know more but these are my feelings right now.
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