Biopsy Results negative, BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

October 21st was my appointment with Dr. Grunander to get my biopsy results.  I had a very bad week waiting for the pathology test results.  I ended up getting a prescription for Xanax from my OB/GYN last Friday the 17th.  I did not take any until Monday the 20th.  They really do take the edge off, I was so calm about everything while I was taking it.  I also took some on Tuesday and then I started getting sick with a cold.  Wednesday I decided not to take any so I could take my cold medicine.  Thursday I took a Xanax in the morning and then another at 1:30PM.  My appointment was 3:30PM.  Mom and Jeff both met me at the house and we drove up together.  Right when we got to the room and Megan came in to introduce herself I told her I just wanted to know the results right then and there.  She said it was benign but and it was a big BUT, Dr. Alder and herself don't feel that the benign diagnosis correlates with the imagining.  Meaning that the image represents a malignant tumor and the pathology is saying benign.  They had me go back to ultra-sound so Megan could look at it with Dr. Alder in real time.  They both agreed that it just doesn't match.  They wanted to do another biopsy but I told them I did not want to do another one.  I just want it removed.  Megan agreed to take it out on November 3rd, she wanted to wait a little bit longer so that the bruising can be healed up by surgery day.  She said because we are taking it out with a benign diagnosis she will not take a very large area around it as she would if it was malignant.  Then they will send the entire thing to pathology.  Should it come back benign then I am done.  I will have a 3" horizontal scar on the upper quadrant of my breast.  There is also a good possibility that it might leave an indent but would be hidden by wearing a bra  Should it come back malignant then they have to do back in and take out more breast tissue (even a possible mastectomy) as well as lymph nodes.  I told her I am okay with that should that happen.  I told her about our Disneyworld trip on December 13th and she said we can post pone the next surgery if needed until after we get back.  I am hopeful that it will all be benign and that one surgery is all that I will need.  They said they have never seen anything like this before and Dr. Alder was the one that questioned this pathology report.  I might be the exception to the rule and I only hope that I am.

For now I am calm, not nervous at all.  I have hope this time around that I did not have last week.  If the three areas they biopsied were benign then I can't help but feel that the whole tumor is benign.  The tumor has all the characteristics of a malignant tumor.  It is not symmetrical and it has jagged edges all around it.  I might have just received my miracle.  I sure hope so.  I feel that there is so much more to see and do in my life and I am not ready for cancer.  Only time will tell.  After my surgery I have no idea how long I will have to wait to find out the next pathology results.  I do know for sure that I am not going to be as nervous as this last round because those 3 pieces were benign.  

First and last mammogram

I write this a day later but want to document what happened.  Last Monday, October 6th, 2014 I was laying in bed and decided to do a self exam.  I found something that was quite hard in my right breast.  I immediately got a little nervous but tried to dismiss it and forget about it.  Tuesday, October 7th, 2014 as I was laying in bed again I thought I would feel again and sure enough it was still there.  On Wednesday, October 8th I was talking to Jeff on the phone while I was at work.  I told him what I felt and he said that I should call the doctor so I did.  I was able to get into Mari Stuart at 10:00AM, she did a breast exam and ordered a mammogram and ultrasound for Wednesday, October 14th and 1:00PM.  She said that there is a 90% chance that it is just breast tissue and part of my cycle.  That did set my mind at ease a little bit for my appointment in a week but I was still a little nervous

My mom offered to go with me to the appointment with me but I told her I thought I would be okay and it was probably just breast tissue.  I honestly felt like that is all it was going to be.  Jeff even told me on Monday, October 13th that he could maybe go with me and I told him not to worry, it is too hard rearranging his schedule and I would be fine.

Wednesday, October 15th I arrived at Ogden Clinic for my mammogram and ultrasound.  They did the mammogram first.  The girl put a piece a of small tape in the area of the lump and proceeded with the mammogram.  She said she would start with 4 pictures and see how they looked and then might have to do 4 more.  She ended up doing the 2 more for a total of 6.  I asked her if she could see the mass and she said she wasn't allowed to talk about it but she would see if the radiologist could read it for me after the ultrasound.  After that I went to the ultrasound and she started with my left breast, I thought I was only going to have the right one done but she said when a breast ultra-sound is ordered, they do both.  She did the left first then went to the right, I started getting really nervous when she took a lot of extra time on the right one.  I asked her what she saw and she said she was going to have the doctor come in as well and explain it.  By this time I was shaking, I was so scared.  He wanted her to do it again and get additional pictures while he watched.  I asked them what they saw and he said he would explain it after they took more pictures.  They then had me sit up and he showed me the mass.  It is not symmetrical and he said the area for concern are the jagged edges all around it.  He said I would need a biopsy.  I started to cry and he understood and was so kind.  They said they could do the biopsy that very day.  I asked if I could call mom and Jeff and they said I could.  I tried and tried to get a hold of them and they would not answer.  I told them I still wanted to do it and not wait another day.  I had to go see Jane who booked an appointment with a surgeon for the next week when pathology gets the results.  Now I was really scared, a surgeon?  Really?  She knew I was scared and shaking and gave me a huge hug.  She said she would come into the biopsy room with me and hold my hand while the other two, the ultra sound tech and the doctor worked on me.  I then went to the room where they did the biopsy.  They numbed me first and then proceeded.  They had to clip out 3 samples to send to pathology.  I couldn't feel much but because I was so scared I started shaking really bad, they asked if I was okay and I told them I was okay but I couldn't stop shaking.  He said that is my body's natural response to fear and it was okay.  Jane kept my hand in hers the whole time.  There were even a couple of times when he was clipping the sample that blood squirted on my face.  The whole procedure took about 1/2 hour.  They inserted a metal clip where they clipped samples of the mass mass and I had to go for another mammogram to verify the placement of the clip.  After I was done Jane came to talk with me and handed me a baggie that she said had goodies in it.  Everything was PINK for breast cancer awareness.  I didn't even look in it, I DON'T WANT TO LOOK IN IT.  It made this 10 times worse than it already was.  I don't want to admit that I have breast cancer but all the signs are there and the way they were treating me and talking to me led me to believe that I might just have cancer.  I won't find out for a good week until I meet with the surgeon.

I am praying for a miracle but I feel in my heart that this is not good.

I asked Jeff yesterday to see if he can increase my life insurance since it is open enrollment.  I want to make sure my family is taken care of should this not turn out well. 

I am torn on if I should fight this or not.  The only reason I think I will is because of Kaci.  She is too young and I want to see her reach the rest of her upcoming milestones, like braces, her first date, marriage and her first child.  I may not get to see all of these from Earth but I sure hope that I do.  I have never been so scared in my entire life.  I didn't sleep much last night.  I did take Benadryl to help me sleep and I got about 4 hours of good sleep but after that I was awake and sick to my stomach all night long.  I am still shaking a bit and cannot get rid of it.  It is consuming my mind.

I will write again when I know more but these are my feelings right now.