Alive and Well

 Hello!  It has been over 5 years since I have updated here.  I didn't think anybody really looks at this blog much anymore but I did have someone across the world reached out to me via Facebook yesterday and it made me realize, I really should post an update even if it is a small one.  A lot has happened over the past 5 years and I will try and include everything here in this update without rambling too much!

First of all, I am alive and well.  As well as one could be after enduring the treatments that I had (I still have a lot of side effects that I will continue to have to live with but they are manageable).  I was diagnosed almost 9 years ago on November 3, 2014.  

I am still working at the same place and loving it.  

My daughter, Kaci turned 18 this year and graduated from high school in May (2023).  This in itself has released so much from me mentally, all I wanted was to get to that day and know that I was able to raise her to adulthood.  The day was very special to me and quite emotional, I know she didn't understand that but it was a day I fought so hard for those almost 9 years ago.  My bucket list only went as far as her graduation and that is how I am going to keep it; it was just so hard to keep worrying and hoping to get to live to see that day.  Any time from here I will consider bonus time and be very thankful for it but I just don't want another bucket list.  It was a lot to manage in my head.  

I haven't been for any cancer checkups but I haven't had any unusual symptoms pop up either, so I take that as I am still cancer free!!!  I like not having to worry about tests, follow-ups etc. as they gave me so much anxiety.  Again, this is not for everyone, this is just the way that I choose to deal with it.  

In October 2022 I was diagnosed with stage I Melanoma cancer.  That wasn't fun to have another cancer diagnosis but this one was much easier for me, after all I had been through with my breast cancer diagnosis I was better prepared mentally.  I had to have surgery to remove it and now have to get regular skin checks every 3-4 months for a few years.  I will probably just go for skin checks at least once or twice a year or so.  I am really diligent in looking at my skin, I always have been and have gotten regular skin checks yearly for the past 10 years or so because I have such fair skin.  I have had multiple basal cell carcinomas in the past so when I noticed this dark spot that was changing on my upper arm, I immediately made an appointment.   They took a biopsy of it but said it didn't look to be a melanoma but they would call me with the results.  I got a call a few days later and it did come back as superficial melanoma, the doctor was very surprised.  I was set up for a surgery called WLE (wide local excision).  I was awake during the procedure and given multiple shots to numb the area.  I was fine until they started to cauterize, and the smell got to me and my body went into shock mode and I started to shake and got really cold, the memories of the biopsy of my breast came back to haunt me (that is in another post).  They felt bad and said they should have given me something to make me relax but most people get through it fine.  I just don't do good with these types of things.  I am now left with a 4" scar on my upper arm which is mostly covered by any short sleeve shirt that I wear.  I am not too worried about the scar; I have a lot of them.  I have been doing some research and it does seem that there are a lot of people who have had melanoma first followed by breast cancer and also vice versa.  It would be amazing to have someone really research this and find out if there really is a correlation.  I just feel like I am a cancer magnet!  I don't like it at all.  That is two cancer diagnoses and I am not even 50 yet, (I will turn 50 next year).   

I did go for a colonoscopy earlier this year and it came back great!  I was a little worried for this one because of my genetic testing and being told I have a gene that makes me more susceptible to colon cancer.  I was told that I need to repeat the test in 10 years since there was no findings. 

I don't have much else to report medical wise.  I am happy and healthy and couldn't ask for anything more.  

All of 2018

2018 was a great year and probably the best of my life so far.  We started off the year saving money so we could go on my bucket list trip to Hawaii with our family in March/April.  It was on my bucket list because I wanted to show my daughter Kaci where Jeff and I got married on the island of Oahu on November 2, 2001.  It was a great trip with all of those that were there for our wedding as well as our daughter and my niece who were not born at the time when we got married.  We had a great time and rented a very nice house near Waikiki so we could all be together.  When we got to the wedding location we were sad to find that it was very run down and is now a base camp for the homeless.  It broke my heart at how many homeless people there were.  We had a wonderful time with our families though and made some great memories.

My little family at Germaine's Luau

All of us over by the North Shore

Waikiki Beach

The 3 of us at the place where we got married-near Waikiki Beach

The day we got home from Hawaii my husband had to go process out of his job that he had worked at for 23 years.  The new CEO decided to organize the healthcare company he works for and his position was cut.  While this was a hard time for us it was also good because we got to see Jeff so much more since he had been in school for 11 years previously as well as working full time.  Kaci finished up her competition dance season as well as 7th grade (her first year in junior high).  Jeff did receive a nice severance package so we were able to have so much fun during the summer with over 70 nights of camping which is a record for us.  We took a little camping trip in February to the sand dunes (crazy I know and had to come home one day early because of a huge snowstorm heading our way), March to the west desert which was cold but not snowing and in May we headed to Island park and Yellowstone with our moms and then hit it hard in June, July, August, September and October.  We mostly went camping around home but did take a 10 day road trip in July to Grand Teton and Yellowstone National Park, it was just the 3 of us and the dog and cat and we had the time of our lives.  I have never had a trip like this and it was by far my favorite trip of my life so far.  I think it was so great because we were unplugged the entire time as cell phone service is very spotty and so we were just together making our own memories by the campfire, playing card games, taking walks, attending amphitheater programs in the park and taking long drives.  These memories we made will last forever and we are excited for 2019 to try and repeat this trip.  While we were in Yellowstone we decided to try and find the wolves as these were the only animals we hadn't seen yet in all of our years.  We got up at 4:30am to drive 2 hours to where we heard they were and we were able to find them.  They were really far away but we had our spotting scope so we were able to see them.  This was by far my very most memorable trip filled with great memories.  It was just the 3 of us and very much needed for our little family.

Kaci at her dance recital she received her 10 year award.

Our Yellowstone campground

Grand Tetons

Yellowstone Lake

String Lake in Grand Teton

Camping in the Uintah's

Fishing at Whitney Reservoir in the Uintah's

Sourdough camping over the 24th of July (Utah holiday)

Then came fall and Kaci went back to school.  I cannot believe she is in the 8th grade.  Time is going by so fast.  We have some really good times but also some really challenging times as she navigates these teen age years.  She is such a good person with a heart of gold.  She will do anything for her friends and family.  She reminds me so much of myself when I was her age, always thinking of others and so giving.  Since she started school our camping slowed down a bit to just a 1 or 2 night camp trip up to our property on the weekends.  We pulled the trailer down the week before Halloween which is a record for us.  We watched the weather reports and decided we could stay a bit longer.  It was so enjoyable being able to watch fall hit the mountains even before the trees at our home started to change.  It delayed our fall a bit which was so nice because I love fall and it always seems to happen so fast.  We also took a 2 night trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming in October to see the Tetons and Yellowstone again for the 3rd time this year.  Did I tell you that Grand Teton is my most favorite place in the whole world and I can get there in about a 4-1/2 hour drive?  Now the only season I haven't seen them is in the early Spring, maybe this new year???

Kaci's first day of 8th grade

Our fall trip to Grand Teton and Yellowstone 3rd time this year (Jenny Lake)

We had a very nice Thanksgiving at our house with our families as well as our annual gingerbread house party that I started many years ago, Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas Day dinner.  We had some good quality time with our parents.  The year ended with a shrimp fry and a movie for New Years Eve.

Christmas Eve with my mom and Jeff's dad and step-mom

This has been a year that we have played extra hard and it was all possible because Jeff didn't have a job and we were able to take off almost whenever we wanted for long weekends and since I have been at my company for over 14 years I have some PTO time built up.  I am so very glad we were able to take this time and create so many family memories.  He has now landed a job at HAFB as of mid-October, a little later than we were hoping but we are excited to see where this job will take him.

I feel so fulfilled in my life right now and with all of the memories we created this year but yet I still feel this sense of urgency to get in as many memories and experiences as I can going forward.  I  guess that is how we should all live whether you are faced with a diagnosis like mine or not.  We all need to live in the moment more often and not worry so much about the past and not fear the future.  Just soak up the memories right now.

I have already started planning all of our little trips for 2019, you have to get camping reservations as soon as possible if you plan on going anywhere.  We already have an Easter camping trip planned with our family, we have reservations for Yellowstone in July for our road trip, Bear Lake for August and in October Jeff's mom is wanting to take us on a cruise so we have that booked as well.  I am hoping that we are able to do all of these trips as well as many more last minute camping trips this year.  You could say that I am addicted to camping.  There is nothing I love more than taking one of my trailers and exploring new areas as well as camping at our property up in the mountains in the summer.  I love the mountains!!!!  Maybe I love them so much because all of my worries disappear when I get up there.  I love nature so much and life is able to slow down a bit when you are in the mountains.  I think I love it so much because we are able to cook our own food and sleep in our own beds as well as take our dog and cat with us so we are all together.  I prefer taking my trailers rather than renting a hotel anytime!!!

I have made it 4 years since my diagnosis on November 3, 2014.   I have nothing new to report as far as cancer goes.  I still have not gone back to my oncologist or surgeon since the end of 2016.  That may or may not be a good thing (it is a personal choice) but for me right now in this very moment it is a very good thing.  I don't have much anxiety anymore over what happened to me and I do believe it is because I do not go to my doctors.  Nothing against them personally as they were wonderful but the anxiety that would overcome me for weeks before and after these appointments was horrible.  It was like I had to relive everything again, I do believe this is what PTSD feels like.  I continue to feel good and so I take that as a very good sign and press forward.  I also still do not take any hormone blockers (Tamoxifen) and haven't since November of 2016 and I feel so much better.  I do feel like I have a good quality of life now that I didn't before when I was on them.  I still have hot flashes periodically and then they will stop again and then start up again, it goes back and forth and I never know as there is no rhyme or reason for them.  My OBGYN said I am in peri-menopause and that is the reason for the hot flashes coming and going.  They are very annoying and I sure hope I get through this menopause thing soon.  I always wonder where I would be had I not had chemotherapy as it has messed up my hormones so bad.

I still struggle from time to time with the way I look.  I do feel like the cancer treatments have left me looking a bit older and heavier than I should right now.  It was extremely hard on my body and then there is my hair which continues to be super thin on top and sides (it will grow and then fall out).  I really can't do much about it so I have just kept it short so it doesn't appear to look as thin as it really is, I also cannot curl since it is so fine and thin and won't hold a curl.  This is the hardest part, I was really hoping after everything I went through that my hair would at least grow back to the way it was or even better, thicker than it was before.  I don't know why I thought this side effect would be normal and all of my hair would come back since all of the other side effects I was given from chemo were odd and most people don't experience them except me.  I try my best to do positive "self talk" and tell myself I am beautiful no matter what and to see my self as a warrior from all that I have been through.  What makes us more beautiful than ever is who we are on the inside.  I need to let my light shine bright and not shy away from people or situations just because I don't  feel pretty, I need to let them see who I am and what I stand for.  This has by far been my biggest challenge since my treatments have ended.

Breast cancer has presented itself to so many I know this year.  I had a couple of friends at work whose spouses were diagnosed with breast cancer and had to endure surgery and radiation, they were lucky that they caught it so early from mammograms so they didn't have to do chemotherapy.  I was also put in touch with a friend of a friend who had to go through surgery, chemo and radiation and she just barely finished chemo on December 10th (I am so proud of you Regen!!!!).  She will now get ready to start the long 6 weeks of radiation.

Then to really throw me for a loop, my very good friend and neighbor who did so much to take care of me during my treatments, her husband was diagnosed with breast cancer  (yes a man my exact same age who I went to school with diagnosed with breast cancer!!!!).  I just found out about this on Friday, December 14th and my heart is absolutely broken.  This friend of mine organized meals along two of my other friends/neighbors.  She would bring us treats randomly, check in with texts and phone calls, brought me a couple of very special gifts and even brought me a cake and balloons to congratulate me when I was done with chemo.  You name it she did everything for me!!!!  She has 6 kids who need her as well as her husband.  She is going through a very tough time right now and they are being told he will need a mastectomy surgery, chemo, radiation and Tamoxifen.  I know exactly how they feel right now and I know what they are going to go through and it will probably be the hardest thing they go through in their lives.  Their cute daughter is my daughter's really good friend.  I know my sweet Kaci will be there for their daughter.  It is now my family's time to serve them and serve them we will.  I love this family with my whole heart and have shed many tears over the last few days for this family.  I have also said so many prayers for them.  Getting diagnosed doesn't ever come at a "good" time but this time of year is really bad, especially when you have little kids like they do.  With me being diagnosed in November I still do get a sick feeling in my stomach during this time of year.  I still remember the reason for Christmas so some of my fears subside but others just won't go away.    However, this new diagnosis for my friend and her family has brought it all back fore me as clear as day.  I still know to live each and every moment to it's fullest.  I enjoyed the holidays with my family but this sweet family is definitely in my thoughts 24/7.  Life can sure throw us a curve ball sometimes and you just never know.  I will say it again and again but live life in the moment because it can change so fast.  Be kind to everyone you meet because they might be fighting a battle that you know nothing about and that little smile you gave them might be the only bright spot in their day.  Love others and help others any chance you get.

Here is to another great year coming up.  Bring on 2019!!!!!

D&C surgery and pathology (It's all good!!!)

I was scheduled yesterday (Tuesday, October 17th) for the following procedures:  D&C, hysteroscopy and an ablation.  After my  ablation consult appointment with Dr. R last Thursday I went home and turned to Google for my new diagnosis of endometrial hyperplasia and I couldn't find one website what so ever that said ablation was the right thing to do.  I only went for that ablation consult because I was bleeding so much and I really wanted the bleeding to stop.  We felt by the time I got an appointment for the consult the biopsy results would be back and it was.  With the new diagnosis of hyperplasia this is a disqualification for an ablation surgery but I think this new doctor went along with it and scheduled it for me anyway because I was so frustrated by my bleeding.  Of course she also wanted to do the D&C and hysteroscopy and have the entire lining of the uterus biopsied to rule out anything else other than the hyperplasia but did not let me know that D&C usually stops the bleeding from hyperplasia once it is all scraped out anyway.  If you do an ablation then your uterus lining is damaged forever and cannot be biopsied in the future.  With hyperplasia you need to continue to monitor it.  The D&C is a treatment for hyperplasia in someone like me who cannot take progesterone to treat it.  There is a chance it can progress but most likely this D&C will take care of it and my lining will revert back to normal.  If by chance it progresses then we will know for sure that the Tamoxifen didn't cause it and it is more than likely my hormones did and I will have to have a hysterectomy.  However, if it reverts back to normal then we can assume that Tamoxifen caused this condition as it is one of the 3 side effects from taking this drug and there is nothing more to do and since I have been off of Tamoxifen for almost a year now I should have no more worries that this will happen again.

After my extensive research on hyperplasia and ablation I decided on Monday to call my doctor and let her know why I would not be doing the ablation surgery the next day.  She understood and apologized for not telling me more about why it was not a good idea but she is new and fresh out of school and she said where I came in just wanting my bleeding to stop and it was an ablation consult appointment she assumed I knew what I wanted and that I wanted the ablation.  She said because of me she will use this as a learning tool and question the next person who is diagnosed with hyperplasia and tell them the risks going forward with ablation and not being able to monitor the uterus.  After all hyperplasia is a pre-cancer and something to not be messed with and you want to be able to monitor the uterine lining.  I have learned to always do my research and in this case I am super glad I did.  The internet can be our friend and I made sure to only go to the reputable sites when I was doing my research.  I am glad that I found this information and that I didn't destroy my uterus with an ablation because if it progresses it can lead to cancer but you would have no signs or symptoms with an ablated uterus until it is too late.  In the future if I do get my periods back which I probably will now that my lining has been removed (the symptoms of hyperplasia is missed periods and heavy extensive bleeding) and since my hormone levels are normal then I may consider ablation in the future but that is after we have checked my uterus over and over for abnormal thickening.  For now I am anxious to see what my body is going to do.

I had my D&C surgery yesterday along with a hysteroscopy.  These procedures were performed in the hospital operating room and I was put under so that was nice that I didn't have to feel any of the pain or discomfort.  After that endometrial biopsy I was a little nervous that I would feel the same type of pain with this but so far so good.  I can feel that they did do something "down there" but it isn't that painful, I have a little bleeding but that is normal with this type of surgery and I have some minor cramping.  I only hope that as the day progresses they don't get worse.  I started with a cold yesterday but of course I didn't tell the hospital that because I did not want to delay this surgery.  I had been bleeding for 19 freaking days and I couldn't take any more!!!  Today I feel like crap from the cold but maybe that is good since it is overriding any pain I might be feeling from the D&C procedure. 

The tissue samples are sent to pathology and next Monday I have a followup appointment with Dr. R and we will go over the results.  If by chance the results aren't in then she will call me to reschedule my follow up until they come back.  I am feeling positive and hopeful that it won't show anything other than the hyperplasia and that going forward we will monitor my uterus until we are at a point that it looks good and further monitoring doesn't need to take place. 

***PATHOLOGY REPORT FOR D&C PROCEDURE ON 10/17/17:
Disordered proliferative phase endometrium and reparative changes.  The prior endometrial biopsy, is reviewed in conjunction with this biopsy, and residual endometrial hyperplasia is not observed.

This is the best news ever, no additional hyperplasia and no cancer!!!  It appears the in office endometrial biopsy just happened to grab the only hyperplasia that was there, what are the odds?  As for the rest of my endometrium, it was very disordered and the reason for my abnormal bleeding.  From here I am anxious to see if my cycles return because they should or at least my hormone level tests say they should.  If they don't then this might be a new ongoing problem with my body and this will happen again as my uterine lining thickens and doesn't shed.  If it happens again then I will for sure get a hysterectomy and have my uterus removed.

I know my hormone levels are back and that is not a good thing for a breast cancer survivor whose cancer was highly ER/PR positive but for me I love feeling this good again and I am enjoying every second of it and all without fear of the unknown.  I refuse to let fear get me down because these days are good in fact they are really, really good.  I feel so normal and that is a good thing.  I am living in the moment and soaking up these days that I feel are a gift and enjoying my quality of life.  Some may disagree and some may take drastic measures to keep the hormones from flowing through their bodies and I respect that.  I too once took Tamoxifen and I felt like crap the entire 1 year and 5 months I took it.  It wasn't for me and I as well as my doctor feel that this drug did cause these issues.  Should my endometrium continue to be normal then we will know for sure that Tamoxifen caused this issue with the lining growing out of control and thickening.  I had no choice but to get a D&C to clean it up or else I would have probably slowly bled to death because that is how I was feeling after 19 days of it with no signs of stopping.  Through this whole cancer journey I got every odd/ rare side effect possible so it isn't a surprise that I was one of the many who ended up with the uterine thickening and causing bleeding problems possibly from the Tamoxifen.

Endometrial hyperplasia without atypia (Thanks Tamoxifen)

So the title of this blog is endometrial hyperplasia without atypia.  This is rather large word but this is what I have been diagnosed with and according my OB/GYN is most likely from taking Tamoxifen for that year and a half.  It has almost been a year since I stopped taking it.   On September 28th after I got home from the grocery store I was unloading the groceries and all of a sudden felt something coming out of me and I initially thought I had leaked urine even though I didn't feel that pressure.  I went to the bathroom and I had blood all over my underwear, pants and legs.  I had to strip down and get in the shower to clean up and get my clothes washed.  I was really shocked and at first thought it was my period returning with a vengeance since I had not had once since February.

The blood was really red and the consistency of a bloody nose which is very different from my normal menstrual cycles but I wasn't alarmed yet because I thought maybe my body was just readjusting.  I also had no cramping or discomfort what so ever which is also very unusual for me.  I almost thought that I was pretty lucky to get my period back without cramping.  We ended up going camping Friday night for the weekend because we needed to pull our trailer off of the mountain before it snows and we were pushing it with the 1st of October on that Sunday.  We had a great time camping but Saturday night something very strange happened that really scared me.  We all headed to bed around 10:30PM so I went to the bathroom and put a new tampon in like I usually do right before bed and it wasn't very soaked just the normal menstrual flow.  A little after midnight I woke up really wet and seriously thought maybe I was sleeping so deep that I peed the bed.  I went into the bathroom and as soon as I sat down on the toilet my super flow tampon fell out of me along with very large blood clots.  The tampon was all of the way soaked through in about an hour and a half.  I cleaned myself up and changed my clothes and tried to go back to sleep. I couldn't sleep because my initial thought was that I was hemorrhaging and we were up on the mountain far away from a hospital.  I didn't wake Kaci or Jeff and only slept off and on the whole night.  I didn't have any more heavy bleeding for the rest of the night and come morning it was back to a normal flow.  We woke up and had breakfast and then starting packing everything up to bring our trailer home.  Everything went fine and we got home safe and unpacked.  I went about everything like normal until Monday night and I had another gush of blood which made a huge mess that I had to clean up again  even though I had my super flow tampon in.  I decided that I better wear a pad as well as a tampon just in case it happened again and sure enough for the next four days I was bleeding like crazy and soaking through my tampons onto the pads.  I decided on Wednesday to call and make an appointment with my doctor for Friday.  I wanted to give it a few more days because my normal periods only last 5-6 days and I figured by Friday I would be 8 days into it.

Friday me and Jeff headed to my OB/GYN (I had him come and wait in the office for support).  Everything inside of me after this heavy bleeding that started on Monday was telling me this was not a period.  I still did not have any cramping or discomfort but I was bleeding really bad and passing very large blood clots.  She did an exam and an endometrial biopsy that hurt like hell!!!!  I cannot believe they don't offer any type of numbing drugs with this.  I was crying by the time she was done.  She wanted to have a biopsy done to see if something else is going on.  She also said she removed a lot of blood clots from my cervix so hopefully the bleeding would slow down for a few days.  They also drew blood from my arm to send to the lab to see if that would show something.  After this appointment they made me another appointment for later in the day for a pelvic ultrasound of my uterus, cervix and ovaries.  Of course this appointment was at the clinic I try and stay away from because of the emotional anxiety it gives me.  It is where I had the mammogram, ultra sound and biopsy that changed my life forever.  It is also where my breast surgeons office is.  I had to go to the exact radiology department for this ultrasound but I had Jeff with me so I really didn't get as nervous as I thought I would.  They finished up the pelvic ultrasound which was a piece of cake compared to what I went through with the endometrial biopsy just hours before.  We went about our weekend like normal and I only had minimal pain.  I continued to wear a pad along with my tampons just in case and the bleeding did slow down quite a lot so like the doctor was hoping it would.  I even starting thinking that it was going to stop soon but it resumed back to a moderate and heavy flow come Monday.

On Tuesday the 10th I called into the office to see if they had any results and they did have the labs back on the blood work and the results from the ultrasound.  The blood work all came back great and showed that my ovaries were functioning normal, the only test that showed something was off was the TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone).  We still aren't sure what this is all about they want to retest it in about 6 weeks.  The ultrasound showed the normal ovarian cysts on one of my ovaries and was probably because I was ovulating.  There was another cyst in my uterus but it was very small and not likely to cause this heavy bleeding.  When I was talking to my doctor she referred me to an OB/GYN since she is only a nurse midwife she thought it would be best to have a consult for an uterine ablation surgery.  She felt that the ablation surgery would at least control or stop my uterine bleeding all together.  They were able to set that appointment up for Thursday, October 12th.

I had Jeff go with me to this appointment as well and we were hoping that the results from the endometrial biopsy would be back and they were.  This doctor I met with was new and fresh out of school but we really, really liked her.  She explained that the biopsy showed endometrial hyperplasia without atypia which is a side effect of Tamoxifen.  It needs to be taken care of because it can turn into uterine cancer.  This is also what she feels is causing my uterine bleeding and that the bleeding I am having is not a period but attributed to this.   As of today (October 13th) I have been bleeding for 15 days with no signs of it stopping any time soon and all without cramps or discomfort.  The only discomfort I feel is from wearing tampons for so many days in a row but I really don't have a choice.  It will slow at one time during the day and then all of a sudden change and be really heavy for another part of the day.  It is still very bright red with a lot of clots.  Dr. R said she could get me in on Tuesday the 17th for the Novasure Ablation surgery.  She wants to do it at the hospital while I am under anesthesia because she also needs to do a D & C which she will do first before the ablation.  She feels the biopsy I had only shows the one area they tested and that other things could be going on as well in the other parts of the uterus and wants to rule out cancer especially since I am at a greater risk because of my breast cancer.  This way she will scrape the entire uterine lining so that she can send it to pathology for testing and do the ablation following the D&C procedure while I am asleep.  She is 99% sure that my bleeding with stop forever.  She said it is best to do the ablation surgery while the person is under because it can be very painful and uncomfortable.  I am actually very relieved that she will be doing it while I am under.  I sure hope it goes well and that it only shows this hyperplasia.  The normal treatment for hyperplasia is progesterone to help thin out the lining but with me being a breast cancer survivor whose cancer was almost 100% estrogen and progesterone positive I cannot have the extra hormones.  I hope this works and that I won't need a hysterectomy but I am keeping that in the back of my mind just in case. 

I guess it doesn't surprise me that Tamoxifen has caused this, after all I always seem to get the weird and less common side effects.  This also solidifies my decision I made in November 2016 to stop taking the Tamoxifen.  Sure it might help to keep the breast cancer from returning all the while hindering my quality of life and then causing my uterine lining to thicken and then developing endometrial hyperplasia.  For now I am remaining positive and hoping this D&C and ablation surgery goes well on Tuesday and I can get back to normal and feeling good and be back to work the next day.  By the way I still don't have any hot flashes since they stopped in June.  Once in a while I feel a little warm flush but it is nothing compared to how the hot flashes made me feel.

Life sure is crazy and I really live in the moment most of the time.  I am always planning out our next adventures for the next day, weekend, year etc. so that I have something really fun to look forward to all the while enjoying the moments I am in now. I feel very blessed and thankful for all that I have been given and where I am at, at this moment in my life.  My thoughts and prayers are constantly given to those around me who are currently battling stage IV breast cancer, getting a new cancer diagnosis, or another type of ailment as well as all the troubles/ disasters going on around the world.

Life goes on (January-September 2017)

Warning:  This is a very long blogpost that I typed out in early September but just finished adding all of the photos today (October 13th) so that I could publish it
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Wow, I cannot believe my last post was in January.  Life has continued to move on and in a good way.  Cancer is seriously the furthest thing from my mind although I do have occasional days where it surfaces and it is staring me in the face.

Since January I have been super busy enjoying my life.  We started finishing our basement in February almost 2 years later than planned but it is done now and we love it.  We have finished it into a full mother-in-law apartment so that if we ever get in a bind or something happens to one of us we can always rent it out.  It was finished completely the beginning of May.  We haven't really had time to enjoy it because we immediately started camping for the summer.

Beginning the framing, it was a huge mess.

The finished and decorated fireplace.  This is our favorite!!!

Getting the kitchen put together, we still had to install the mircrowave.

In March Jeff turned the big 40 and Kaci turned 12.

Kaci's idea to decorate the car before we left for dinner. 

I can't believe this is the last year before she becomes a teenager.

We had our traditional Easter party that I came up a few years ago.  We usually do it the Saturday before Easter and we have a yummy dinner and then an Easter Egg hunt for everybody in the dark outside in the back yard.

Before we headed outside to hunt for Eggs.  The prize eggs this year were cash!!!

Jeff finally graduated with his bachelors degree at the end of April.  He should have been done almost 2 years ago but was delayed with me getting sick.  We are super excited to finally have that stress gone from our lives.  Kaci and I are enjoying having him home more.

Our little family.  I was a little sentimental this day and cried a lot of happy tears because no matter what happened he never gave up.

Jeff's parents and sister came to support him too.  My mom was there but not for the photos since she stayed for my sister's graduation following Jeff's. 

In May Kaci finished out her 6th grade year.  This year she was part of the choir and the student council which she loved.  It was a great finish to her elementary years.  Following her finishing school we took a last minute Memorial Day trip to Yellowstone.  What an awesome time to visit Yellowstone, we saw so many animals including a mama grizzly bear and her two cubs.  Next year we are going to plan ahead and get our reservations before the week we go.

Kaci on the right and her friend getting off of the elementary bus for the last time.  The bus driver even bought all of the kids donuts.

Yellowstone.

In June we took out trailer up to the mountains where it stays all summer and were able to get in 2  camping trips prior to us leaving on an Alaskan cruise at the end the of the month.  We went to Alaska to celebrate Jeff's graduation.  We took Kaci and also went with Jeff's parents.  We absolutely loved Alaska and can't wait to go back.  We have it on our radar for another trip in the summer of 2019.

Something crazy happened to me after the first night of this cruise MY HOT FLASHES STOPPED.  I am not sure why they stopped but I still haven't had a period since the last one if February.  It was perfect timing because I was so worried being bundled up because Alaska is cold and then having to rip all of my layers off during a hot flash.  It couldn't have stopped at a better time and made this trip even better.  Until you have hot flashes all of the time you really don't realize how much they diminish your quality of life.  This trip was so memorable and so good to be able to celebrate Jeff's graduation. 

Mendenhall Glacier

I added this one because it shows how long my hair is getting.   2 years and 3 months since finishing chemo.  

In July we camped almost every weekend, we enjoy decorating our RZR and then we go out driving with our neighbors for a night parade and sometimes we pass out candy for any bystanders.

My 43rd birthday was on July 30th and I decided I wanted to do something different and fun.  So my niece, mom and the 3 of us headed up to Park City for the night.  We went to the Park City Mountain resort to ride the alpine slides and the next day we went to the Utah Olympic Park where I ziplined o(on my actual birthday) down the Olympic ski jump hills.  What an experience.  I am not a daring person at all but I tried it and loved it.

August came fast and before we knew it school was getting ready to start.  I have been dreading August all along because of Kaci starting Junior High.  We did have a good August though.  We booked a last minute condo for the night over Raspberry Days in Bear Lake and were able to go up on a Thursday night to enjoy the parade and the next morning we were able to drive around the lake, watch a play and have lunch before going home and then we headed up to the mountains for the weekend.  It was super crazy getting home at 6:30PM and then packing some clothes and our cooler to head up to the mountains at 7:00PM.  I love being busy and taking in everything every chance I get.  I feel like life is so short and I want to do anything and everything I possibly can.  The day before school started on August 21st we headed up to Riverton, WY to watch the total solar eclipse.  Wow!  I don't even know how to describe how cool it was experiencing something like that.  Again this was my crazy idea and I was able to once again score a last minute hotel reservation in Rock Springs, WY which put us within 2 hours of Riverton.  It was worth getting up that far so that the next morning we were close.  Our original plan was to drive up to Idaho Falls the morning of and then drive home.  I am so glad we didn't go that route because traffic was horrendous.  I am so glad we did it as it was probably a once in a lifetime experience.  After the sun started peeking back out we hit the road and didn't stop once.  We brought our lunch with us and ate in the car.  We were able to drive home in 4-1/2 hours with no traffic jams.  We were at the very front of the traffic so we cruised right home and arrived at 4:30PM, just enough time to get showered and ready for Kaci's back to school night at the junior high.  We were able to attend her orientation and find all of her classes.  We were worried about missing it and I left it up to her if she wanted to go to the eclipse or not and she chose to take that chance.   We were so happy we were able to do it all.  We all slept really good that night even though it was the night before school started.  She was up when her alarm went off and out the door by 6:50am to catch the bus.  I worried all day about her and was hoping she would come home saying she loved junior high but also prepared for the worst in case she didn't like it.  Well, she came home and said she loved it! She still loves it now and it has been about 2 weeks since it started.

Now it is September and for Labor Day weekend we took a girls trip up to Park City.  It was my mom, Jeff's mom, Kaci and I.  Jeff decided to finish out his last weekend of the deer archery hunt in the mountains.  We love Park City during Labor Day.  They have quite a few events up that way during this holiday weekend that we like to attend.  One is Swiss Days which is the largest craft fair I have ever been to.  I cannot even begin to guess at how many booths there were.  The other is the Soldier Hollow Classic (sheepdog competitions).  Of course this weekend we saw record high temperatures and it was almost too hot to enjoy all of these activities like we would like to.  Regardless we still had fun and even went to the outlet stores to stock up on some more school clothes.

Jeff and I flew up to Spokane, WA the Thursday after Labor Day and then we shuttled over to Kellogg, ID to pick up our new car.  We decided since our Honda is now 10 years old with 193,000 miles that is probably time to get a new car.  Our last Honda was 10 years old with over 200,000 miles on it when we sold it.  Both Honda's have been great cars and have never had any issues other than the regular maintenance.  It was bitter sweet selling our car last week because of all of the memories.   Jeff and I had a great 3 nights away, it was like a mini vacation for us and one that we have never done since we had Kaci over 12 years ago.  The night we picked up our Jeep they gave us a hotel room in Kellogg so we stayed there.  The next morning we got up early and headed out.  I had reserved a very nice hotel in McCall Idaho, it is called the Shore Lodge.  It was amazing and we had the best food while we were in town and really was the 2nd highlight of our trip since obviously picking up our Jeep was the first.  The next day we headed out later in the afternoon since we wanted to soak up McCall for as long as we could and headed to Twin Falls.  We stayed the night there and then headed for home on Sunday morning.  Kaci was so excited to see us and we were excited to see her.  This trip was very much needed and it shows us that we need to do these adult vacations more often.  McCall Idaho is on our list of vacations in the future.  From our house it is a 7 hour drive so about the same distance as Las Vegas which I have done many times.  Next time we need to stay for at least 3-4 days and explore more in this beautiful mountain town.

Shore Lodge in McCall Idaho.  It right on the lake.

Twin Falls but not a lot of water flowing this time of the year.

Fall is peeking on our door step and I can feel it with the evenings and mornings cooling off.  In the past I have started to dread October with it being breast cancer awareness month as well as the month back in 2014 when I found mine.  This year however, I am super excited for fall and for the holiday's.  I am not letting what the month of October get to me like it has in the past (extreme anxiety).  Of course I fully support breast cancer awareness month and all it stands for.  This year for me though, I am only going to focus on the holiday seasons that are around the corner and spending time with my family.  I am looking so forward to the holidays and all the hoopla they bring.  I am only hoping that my little girl (7th grade and 12-1/2 years old) will still want to dress up and Trick-or-Treat for Halloween.  I never stopped until I was 20 so hopefully she won't either.  I guess with her getting older it is bitter sweet.  I am thankful I am still around to see her grow up but the teenage years that are upon me are going to be a challenge.  I need to be patient and kind and understanding as she goes through the teenage years which tend to be equally as hard on the kids and parents.

Obviously we have been super busy and that is the reason for my lack of posting.  This year so far has been the best year of my entire life.  We are doing all we can to keep busy and explore new areas.  Traveling is my passion and if I had a lot of money and time I would be traveling all of the time.  For now we just do what we can.  I don't have a large savings account but I don't care, I can't take the money with me anyway when I die so our motto is enjoy it while you have it and you feel good.  If something major should happen we have plenty of toys we can sale to get by if we need to.  I guess I look at those as an insurance policy.

Defiant but loving life

I title this post "defiant" because that is how I feel right now.  I have not resumed taking Tamoxifen and I have decided for now that I am not going to go the other route with ovarian suppression and taking aromatase inhibitors.  I feel so good right now and I am going to enjoy it for as long as I can (I am hoping that is a really long time).  I don't know where my life will take me but I am sure enjoying each and every day.

I also don't have a follow up oncologist appointment made like I normally do.  I did have one set up with my new doctor at Huntsman in April but they called a couple of weeks ago and left me a voice mail telling me that the doctor wouldn't be in the office that day and that I needed to call back to reschedule.  I have thought about calling but I kind of like not having that appointment to look forward do! I think for now I am just going to carry on, on my own and I know where they are at and I can call should I need them.  For now I am taking my life back and most people would think I am crazy but I am doing what works best for me.  I guess this is turning my life over to God.  He will take me when he needs me no matter what I do or don't do in this life.  I have all of my faith in Him and I think that is why I can live this way without a lot of fear and truly enjoy every day.  If in the future if this comes back then I will deal with it at this time.  I have promised myself that I won't say I wish I would have done things differently.  I have been down that road and I was not myself.  I was a walking zombie.  I couldn't focus or multitask.  I literally suffered each and every day just to get through walking up so dead tired, to going to work, to coming home and being a mom and wife.  I didn't enjoy my life like I do now.  In fact I enjoy my life more now than I ever have and I know that is because my cancer journey.  After going through everything and then continuing the hormone therapy treatment and still not feeling better I have learned that we should not take our life or health for granted.  Each day I am thankful for a goods nights rest that I am now able to have and I am thankful for a clear mind to tackle the days tasks, the list goes on and on.  For me this works and I want a good quality of life over a zombie quantity of life.

January is always such a had month for me at the beginning coming off of the holidays but this year it didn't bother me because I am still so happy with how I feel.  I can't go wrong in my day when I remind myself of how crappy I used to feel and how good I feel now.  I appreciate life and feeling great every day.  We took a very quick last minute trip up to Jackson Hole Wyoming a couple of weekends ago.  We literally booked a hotel room at 6:00PM on Friday night and left at 9:00AM on Saturday with both of our mom's and headed up there.  We had a scary drive as it was so cold and there was a lot of ice on the roads.  The reason for this trip was to cross off my bucket list item of seeing The Grand Teton's in winter.  Wow, they are beautiful in the winter.  I was so happy and giddy with excitement for this little over night trip that I didn't think we could pull off.  It was super cold, it was -19 degrees the next morning, I have never been in that cold of temperatures.  While we were up there we did go to the elk refuge.  We usually go to Hardware Ranch in Logan each year and this is actually how this trip started.  I was talking to Jeff that Friday about going up to Logan on Sunday and then said I wish we could go to Jackson and see that refuge and then I can head over to The Tetons to see them in the winter and he said "let's do it".  I immediately found a hotel and off we went.  We only stayed one night and it took us about 5-1/2 hours to get there each way because of all the snow on the roads.  It was one of the best trips I have ever had and I think planning it last minute made it all the better.  This trip now has us planning a Yellowstone trip next January, another thing that I have always wanted to do.

The beautiful Grand Teton's in the winter #bucketlist

The road into Colter Bay where we like to stay in Grand Teton National Park

I broke this off and took it to Kaci, she thought that was the coolest thing ever.

The 3 of us at Colter Bay in Grand Teton National Park it was still about negative -10.

The elk refuge in Jackson Hole, WY

All of us after the sleigh ride at the elk refuge, we were freezing cold.

Kaci and Jeff in our see through fireplace in the hotel.

Me and Jeff at dinner at The Lift in Jackson Hole, WY

We have decided that we are going to start getting our basement done.  Over the holidays we re-did the fireplace wall and that was the last thing to do upstairs and I can say that my house looks completely different than it did during my cancer days.  That was the whole reason for changing things up.  I either had to move to get rid of those not so good memories or change up my house.  I knew I really didn't want to move again, I really like the area we live so we changed our house.  I want to get the basement done because Kaci is getting older and I need a place that her and her friends can hang out without us parents hoovering over her all the time.  I am excited that either we can go down stairs while they hang out upstairs or they hang out downstairs while we stay upstairs.  It will also be nice that we can keep a listening ear on what is going on but give them a bit more privacy as they head into their teenage years.  We were going to wait until Jeff was done with school to start this project but now I am off my zombie drug (Tamoxifen) I can totally manage this project now that I am thinking clearly.  We are so excited.  We have both joked that once we get the basement done it is time to move (that is what happened in our last house).  I don't think that will be the case with this house though.

We are looking forward to spring as Kaci starts having her dance competitions that I love watching, Jeff graduating at the end of April and then our Alaska cruise to celebrate in June and then of course camping, lots of camping.  It is only a couple of more months and all the fun begins.  I do like the late fall and winter for catching up on everything around the house that I don't have time for in the Spring and Summer.  I love to be busy and going non-stop but I do look forward to winter when I can take time and relax a bit.

For now things are great and I am happy and confident in my choice to not take hormone therapy.  Have I said how much I love feeling like myself again.  Gosh, I can't say that enough.

Life is good

It is now 2017 and I have a feeling it is going to be a really good year.  Jeff is set to graduate with his Bachelor's Degree in April (it has been a really long 11 years).  I am probably more excited than him.  He has taken his time and only took up to three classes at one time which I am thankful for.  We have still been able to do so much with our little family.  It is going to be weird to not make plans around his school.  He has worked so hard and I delayed him about a year when I got diagnosed.  Right after diagnosis he failed his one class, I felt so responsible for it but was so thankful that he immediately knew that I was his priority and he let the class go.  Then the next semester he couldn't go because I was in active treatment and I need so much help around the house and with Kaci.  Then summer came and I begged him to not take a class, I wanted to be able to camp as much as we could and enjoy life and he agreed.  He already works in his job and won't get a raise or anything but it is nice to know that he has this to fall back on.

As for me I am continuing to work 35 hours a week and I am loving having three day weekends.  It really is so good for me to have Friday's to do some chores and take some time for myself so that when the weekend hits I am ready and willing to do fun things with my family.  I am so thankful for my employer, they seriously could not be any better to me.  I always tell them thank you for everything they have done for me and they reply with "well you are family".  I am so blessed to work where I do.  I very rarely get stressed which is good because I do not need any more stress in my life other than worrying about my cancer coming back!  They are so flexible with my schedule when I need to run to a doctor appointment or if Kaci has something at school.

Christmas was amazing this year.  Everything was so relaxed and went so smooth.  I had 13 days off from work and the first day off I had all to myself to rest and gear up for the next few days that I thought were going to be super crazy.  Kaci got out of school on Wednesday at 1:30PM and I took her and her friends to a movie and then shopping for a new outfit for each of them, then we came back to the house and they exchanged their friend gifts, we made pizza and frosted cookies.  It was a crazy fun afternoon and evening.  I love her friends so much.  They are all such good kids and I love that they want to be at our house to hang out.  Friday was Jeff's first day off for the holidays and we just took it easy and hung out with our friends that evening.  I always love when we get together with these friends, we don't do it often enough but when we do we pick up right where we left off.  Saturday was Christmas Eve and we had my mom and Jeff's Dad and step mom over for an early dinner because the weather was starting to turn, we were having such heavy rain that was expected to turn to snow that night.  We had dinner, did a few presents and frosted cookies.  Everybody left by 5:30PM which was so strange, usually everyone is there until about 8 or 9PM.  My niece called and wanted to come over for a while so we went to pick her up and had fun playing cards for over two hours.  It really was such a nice Christmas Eve, and it was still only raining when we went to bed.  The next morning we woke up to so much snow.  My mom came over in the morning and did presents with us and breakfast.  The snow kept coming and I was worried about our parents having to travel to our home for dinner in all that snow.  My mom lives close but Jeff's parents live about an hour or so away.  We called them to tell them we could do our Christmas dinner the next night if they wanted to but they all still wanted to come up.  We had our dinner at 3PM and everybody was gone by 5PM.  My niece came over about eight that night and spent the night with us.  I woke the girls up the next morning at five to go out and hit the stores with me.  I love finding bargains the day after Christmas.  We were home by ten and then I started taking down all the decorations.  The next day we had a company coming over to re-do our fireplace wall in our living room, that was our family Christmas present to ourselves.  It was the very last thing to do with my upstairs to change the look of my house.  I am very pleased with the way it turned out and next we will move on and finish the basement.  We had a perfect amount of relaxation, fun and doing home improvements during our break.  If this Christmas was my last I would be totally satisfied.  I have never enjoyed the holiday's more than I did this year.  I don't know what made it so great but I have a feeling that it is because after everything I have gone through I don't take things as seriously as I once did and things don't bother me like they did before and I felt so good!!!!  I was just able to sit back and soak up all the family time I could.

New Years Eve is always such a dreaded holiday for me and I really do not know why.  We took our mom's with us this year to the Midway Ice Caves and to dinner at the Homestead.  We had a wonderful time and got home about 11:50PM right before the New Year.  Again great quality family time.

So as we start this new year I am not worried any longer about not being on Tamoxifen.  I am enjoying my new/old quality of life.  I say new/old because I haven't felt this good in over two years  (new) and I suspect this is how good I felt before my cancer diagnosis (old).  I still have days where I am having hot flashes and other days that I don't have hot flashes so I really don't think I can be pre-menopausal like my last hormone test showed. The hot flashes I am having still suck but they are still not as intense as they were while I was on Tamoxifen.   I think I have to be in peri-menopause but who knows.  I have been off of Tamoxifen for almost two months and I still have not started my period.  I am trying not to think about where my hormone levels are nor will I let my mind travel down that road any longer and waste this time feeling so bood.  Since I have made this decision I am comfortable with it.  My faith in God is strong and I have all my faith in Him.  If he needs me, there isn't anything I can do to change that.  For now I live each day to its fullest.  I am enjoying each and everyday and I am even enjoying all the fluffy white stuff that keeps coming our way out here in Utah.  Snow really is pretty, it is all white and pure and so fluffy, I just don't like traveling in it.  I still enjoy summertime the most because I am such an outdoors type person.  I am happiest when I am in the mountains and can be outside without freezing.

My next oncologist appointment is in April with my new doctor.  I am still wondering which doctor I want to see.  The new doctor is so far away from my house and it is a pain to meet Jeff or try and arrange for my mom to come and have some back up for Kaci to get to dance since he only sees patients on Thursday's.  I was hoping to hear from my old oncologists' office about stopping Tamoxifen so I could also ask going forward, should I chose to still go there and since they aren't on my insurance any more how that will all work.  I haven't heard from them and his PA said she was going to call me at the end of December regarding my Tamoxifen decision.  I know they are busy people and I really don't care because at this point in my life I don't feel that a 5% benefit is worth feeling so crappy.  I guess for now I will probably just go to the appointment that I already have scheduled with my new doctor at Huntsman.

Life is good and it is even going to get better when Jeff is done with school and all of his school related stress is gone.  I am sure he will relax a whole lot.  There has been some trying times for sure as the stress builds for him.  I am excited to finally live our married life with us just working and concentrating on our Kaci girl and making sure she grows up to be a healthy, happy person.  Did I say life is good?