Defiant but loving life

I title this post "defiant" because that is how I feel right now.  I have not resumed taking Tamoxifen and I have decided for now that I am not going to go the other route with ovarian suppression and taking aromatase inhibitors.  I feel so good right now and I am going to enjoy it for as long as I can (I am hoping that is a really long time).  I don't know where my life will take me but I am sure enjoying each and every day.

I also don't have a follow up oncologist appointment made like I normally do.  I did have one set up with my new doctor at Huntsman in April but they called a couple of weeks ago and left me a voice mail telling me that the doctor wouldn't be in the office that day and that I needed to call back to reschedule.  I have thought about calling but I kind of like not having that appointment to look forward do! I think for now I am just going to carry on, on my own and I know where they are at and I can call should I need them.  For now I am taking my life back and most people would think I am crazy but I am doing what works best for me.  I guess this is turning my life over to God.  He will take me when he needs me no matter what I do or don't do in this life.  I have all of my faith in Him and I think that is why I can live this way without a lot of fear and truly enjoy every day.  If in the future if this comes back then I will deal with it at this time.  I have promised myself that I won't say I wish I would have done things differently.  I have been down that road and I was not myself.  I was a walking zombie.  I couldn't focus or multitask.  I literally suffered each and every day just to get through walking up so dead tired, to going to work, to coming home and being a mom and wife.  I didn't enjoy my life like I do now.  In fact I enjoy my life more now than I ever have and I know that is because my cancer journey.  After going through everything and then continuing the hormone therapy treatment and still not feeling better I have learned that we should not take our life or health for granted.  Each day I am thankful for a goods nights rest that I am now able to have and I am thankful for a clear mind to tackle the days tasks, the list goes on and on.  For me this works and I want a good quality of life over a zombie quantity of life.

January is always such a had month for me at the beginning coming off of the holidays but this year it didn't bother me because I am still so happy with how I feel.  I can't go wrong in my day when I remind myself of how crappy I used to feel and how good I feel now.  I appreciate life and feeling great every day.  We took a very quick last minute trip up to Jackson Hole Wyoming a couple of weekends ago.  We literally booked a hotel room at 6:00PM on Friday night and left at 9:00AM on Saturday with both of our mom's and headed up there.  We had a scary drive as it was so cold and there was a lot of ice on the roads.  The reason for this trip was to cross off my bucket list item of seeing The Grand Teton's in winter.  Wow, they are beautiful in the winter.  I was so happy and giddy with excitement for this little over night trip that I didn't think we could pull off.  It was super cold, it was -19 degrees the next morning, I have never been in that cold of temperatures.  While we were up there we did go to the elk refuge.  We usually go to Hardware Ranch in Logan each year and this is actually how this trip started.  I was talking to Jeff that Friday about going up to Logan on Sunday and then said I wish we could go to Jackson and see that refuge and then I can head over to The Tetons to see them in the winter and he said "let's do it".  I immediately found a hotel and off we went.  We only stayed one night and it took us about 5-1/2 hours to get there each way because of all the snow on the roads.  It was one of the best trips I have ever had and I think planning it last minute made it all the better.  This trip now has us planning a Yellowstone trip next January, another thing that I have always wanted to do.

The beautiful Grand Teton's in the winter #bucketlist

The road into Colter Bay where we like to stay in Grand Teton National Park

I broke this off and took it to Kaci, she thought that was the coolest thing ever.

The 3 of us at Colter Bay in Grand Teton National Park it was still about negative -10.

The elk refuge in Jackson Hole, WY

All of us after the sleigh ride at the elk refuge, we were freezing cold.

Kaci and Jeff in our see through fireplace in the hotel.

Me and Jeff at dinner at The Lift in Jackson Hole, WY

We have decided that we are going to start getting our basement done.  Over the holidays we re-did the fireplace wall and that was the last thing to do upstairs and I can say that my house looks completely different than it did during my cancer days.  That was the whole reason for changing things up.  I either had to move to get rid of those not so good memories or change up my house.  I knew I really didn't want to move again, I really like the area we live so we changed our house.  I want to get the basement done because Kaci is getting older and I need a place that her and her friends can hang out without us parents hoovering over her all the time.  I am excited that either we can go down stairs while they hang out upstairs or they hang out downstairs while we stay upstairs.  It will also be nice that we can keep a listening ear on what is going on but give them a bit more privacy as they head into their teenage years.  We were going to wait until Jeff was done with school to start this project but now I am off my zombie drug (Tamoxifen) I can totally manage this project now that I am thinking clearly.  We are so excited.  We have both joked that once we get the basement done it is time to move (that is what happened in our last house).  I don't think that will be the case with this house though.

We are looking forward to spring as Kaci starts having her dance competitions that I love watching, Jeff graduating at the end of April and then our Alaska cruise to celebrate in June and then of course camping, lots of camping.  It is only a couple of more months and all the fun begins.  I do like the late fall and winter for catching up on everything around the house that I don't have time for in the Spring and Summer.  I love to be busy and going non-stop but I do look forward to winter when I can take time and relax a bit.

For now things are great and I am happy and confident in my choice to not take hormone therapy.  Have I said how much I love feeling like myself again.  Gosh, I can't say that enough.