Defiant but loving life

I title this post "defiant" because that is how I feel right now.  I have not resumed taking Tamoxifen and I have decided for now that I am not going to go the other route with ovarian suppression and taking aromatase inhibitors.  I feel so good right now and I am going to enjoy it for as long as I can (I am hoping that is a really long time).  I don't know where my life will take me but I am sure enjoying each and every day.

I also don't have a follow up oncologist appointment made like I normally do.  I did have one set up with my new doctor at Huntsman in April but they called a couple of weeks ago and left me a voice mail telling me that the doctor wouldn't be in the office that day and that I needed to call back to reschedule.  I have thought about calling but I kind of like not having that appointment to look forward do! I think for now I am just going to carry on, on my own and I know where they are at and I can call should I need them.  For now I am taking my life back and most people would think I am crazy but I am doing what works best for me.  I guess this is turning my life over to God.  He will take me when he needs me no matter what I do or don't do in this life.  I have all of my faith in Him and I think that is why I can live this way without a lot of fear and truly enjoy every day.  If in the future if this comes back then I will deal with it at this time.  I have promised myself that I won't say I wish I would have done things differently.  I have been down that road and I was not myself.  I was a walking zombie.  I couldn't focus or multitask.  I literally suffered each and every day just to get through walking up so dead tired, to going to work, to coming home and being a mom and wife.  I didn't enjoy my life like I do now.  In fact I enjoy my life more now than I ever have and I know that is because my cancer journey.  After going through everything and then continuing the hormone therapy treatment and still not feeling better I have learned that we should not take our life or health for granted.  Each day I am thankful for a goods nights rest that I am now able to have and I am thankful for a clear mind to tackle the days tasks, the list goes on and on.  For me this works and I want a good quality of life over a zombie quantity of life.

January is always such a had month for me at the beginning coming off of the holidays but this year it didn't bother me because I am still so happy with how I feel.  I can't go wrong in my day when I remind myself of how crappy I used to feel and how good I feel now.  I appreciate life and feeling great every day.  We took a very quick last minute trip up to Jackson Hole Wyoming a couple of weekends ago.  We literally booked a hotel room at 6:00PM on Friday night and left at 9:00AM on Saturday with both of our mom's and headed up there.  We had a scary drive as it was so cold and there was a lot of ice on the roads.  The reason for this trip was to cross off my bucket list item of seeing The Grand Teton's in winter.  Wow, they are beautiful in the winter.  I was so happy and giddy with excitement for this little over night trip that I didn't think we could pull off.  It was super cold, it was -19 degrees the next morning, I have never been in that cold of temperatures.  While we were up there we did go to the elk refuge.  We usually go to Hardware Ranch in Logan each year and this is actually how this trip started.  I was talking to Jeff that Friday about going up to Logan on Sunday and then said I wish we could go to Jackson and see that refuge and then I can head over to The Tetons to see them in the winter and he said "let's do it".  I immediately found a hotel and off we went.  We only stayed one night and it took us about 5-1/2 hours to get there each way because of all the snow on the roads.  It was one of the best trips I have ever had and I think planning it last minute made it all the better.  This trip now has us planning a Yellowstone trip next January, another thing that I have always wanted to do.

The beautiful Grand Teton's in the winter #bucketlist

The road into Colter Bay where we like to stay in Grand Teton National Park

I broke this off and took it to Kaci, she thought that was the coolest thing ever.

The 3 of us at Colter Bay in Grand Teton National Park it was still about negative -10.

The elk refuge in Jackson Hole, WY

All of us after the sleigh ride at the elk refuge, we were freezing cold.

Kaci and Jeff in our see through fireplace in the hotel.

Me and Jeff at dinner at The Lift in Jackson Hole, WY

We have decided that we are going to start getting our basement done.  Over the holidays we re-did the fireplace wall and that was the last thing to do upstairs and I can say that my house looks completely different than it did during my cancer days.  That was the whole reason for changing things up.  I either had to move to get rid of those not so good memories or change up my house.  I knew I really didn't want to move again, I really like the area we live so we changed our house.  I want to get the basement done because Kaci is getting older and I need a place that her and her friends can hang out without us parents hoovering over her all the time.  I am excited that either we can go down stairs while they hang out upstairs or they hang out downstairs while we stay upstairs.  It will also be nice that we can keep a listening ear on what is going on but give them a bit more privacy as they head into their teenage years.  We were going to wait until Jeff was done with school to start this project but now I am off my zombie drug (Tamoxifen) I can totally manage this project now that I am thinking clearly.  We are so excited.  We have both joked that once we get the basement done it is time to move (that is what happened in our last house).  I don't think that will be the case with this house though.

We are looking forward to spring as Kaci starts having her dance competitions that I love watching, Jeff graduating at the end of April and then our Alaska cruise to celebrate in June and then of course camping, lots of camping.  It is only a couple of more months and all the fun begins.  I do like the late fall and winter for catching up on everything around the house that I don't have time for in the Spring and Summer.  I love to be busy and going non-stop but I do look forward to winter when I can take time and relax a bit.

For now things are great and I am happy and confident in my choice to not take hormone therapy.  Have I said how much I love feeling like myself again.  Gosh, I can't say that enough.

Life is good

It is now 2017 and I have a feeling it is going to be a really good year.  Jeff is set to graduate with his Bachelor's Degree in April (it has been a really long 11 years).  I am probably more excited than him.  He has taken his time and only took up to three classes at one time which I am thankful for.  We have still been able to do so much with our little family.  It is going to be weird to not make plans around his school.  He has worked so hard and I delayed him about a year when I got diagnosed.  Right after diagnosis he failed his one class, I felt so responsible for it but was so thankful that he immediately knew that I was his priority and he let the class go.  Then the next semester he couldn't go because I was in active treatment and I need so much help around the house and with Kaci.  Then summer came and I begged him to not take a class, I wanted to be able to camp as much as we could and enjoy life and he agreed.  He already works in his job and won't get a raise or anything but it is nice to know that he has this to fall back on.

As for me I am continuing to work 35 hours a week and I am loving having three day weekends.  It really is so good for me to have Friday's to do some chores and take some time for myself so that when the weekend hits I am ready and willing to do fun things with my family.  I am so thankful for my employer, they seriously could not be any better to me.  I always tell them thank you for everything they have done for me and they reply with "well you are family".  I am so blessed to work where I do.  I very rarely get stressed which is good because I do not need any more stress in my life other than worrying about my cancer coming back!  They are so flexible with my schedule when I need to run to a doctor appointment or if Kaci has something at school.

Christmas was amazing this year.  Everything was so relaxed and went so smooth.  I had 13 days off from work and the first day off I had all to myself to rest and gear up for the next few days that I thought were going to be super crazy.  Kaci got out of school on Wednesday at 1:30PM and I took her and her friends to a movie and then shopping for a new outfit for each of them, then we came back to the house and they exchanged their friend gifts, we made pizza and frosted cookies.  It was a crazy fun afternoon and evening.  I love her friends so much.  They are all such good kids and I love that they want to be at our house to hang out.  Friday was Jeff's first day off for the holidays and we just took it easy and hung out with our friends that evening.  I always love when we get together with these friends, we don't do it often enough but when we do we pick up right where we left off.  Saturday was Christmas Eve and we had my mom and Jeff's Dad and step mom over for an early dinner because the weather was starting to turn, we were having such heavy rain that was expected to turn to snow that night.  We had dinner, did a few presents and frosted cookies.  Everybody left by 5:30PM which was so strange, usually everyone is there until about 8 or 9PM.  My niece called and wanted to come over for a while so we went to pick her up and had fun playing cards for over two hours.  It really was such a nice Christmas Eve, and it was still only raining when we went to bed.  The next morning we woke up to so much snow.  My mom came over in the morning and did presents with us and breakfast.  The snow kept coming and I was worried about our parents having to travel to our home for dinner in all that snow.  My mom lives close but Jeff's parents live about an hour or so away.  We called them to tell them we could do our Christmas dinner the next night if they wanted to but they all still wanted to come up.  We had our dinner at 3PM and everybody was gone by 5PM.  My niece came over about eight that night and spent the night with us.  I woke the girls up the next morning at five to go out and hit the stores with me.  I love finding bargains the day after Christmas.  We were home by ten and then I started taking down all the decorations.  The next day we had a company coming over to re-do our fireplace wall in our living room, that was our family Christmas present to ourselves.  It was the very last thing to do with my upstairs to change the look of my house.  I am very pleased with the way it turned out and next we will move on and finish the basement.  We had a perfect amount of relaxation, fun and doing home improvements during our break.  If this Christmas was my last I would be totally satisfied.  I have never enjoyed the holiday's more than I did this year.  I don't know what made it so great but I have a feeling that it is because after everything I have gone through I don't take things as seriously as I once did and things don't bother me like they did before and I felt so good!!!!  I was just able to sit back and soak up all the family time I could.

New Years Eve is always such a dreaded holiday for me and I really do not know why.  We took our mom's with us this year to the Midway Ice Caves and to dinner at the Homestead.  We had a wonderful time and got home about 11:50PM right before the New Year.  Again great quality family time.

So as we start this new year I am not worried any longer about not being on Tamoxifen.  I am enjoying my new/old quality of life.  I say new/old because I haven't felt this good in over two years  (new) and I suspect this is how good I felt before my cancer diagnosis (old).  I still have days where I am having hot flashes and other days that I don't have hot flashes so I really don't think I can be pre-menopausal like my last hormone test showed. The hot flashes I am having still suck but they are still not as intense as they were while I was on Tamoxifen.   I think I have to be in peri-menopause but who knows.  I have been off of Tamoxifen for almost two months and I still have not started my period.  I am trying not to think about where my hormone levels are nor will I let my mind travel down that road any longer and waste this time feeling so bood.  Since I have made this decision I am comfortable with it.  My faith in God is strong and I have all my faith in Him.  If he needs me, there isn't anything I can do to change that.  For now I live each day to its fullest.  I am enjoying each and everyday and I am even enjoying all the fluffy white stuff that keeps coming our way out here in Utah.  Snow really is pretty, it is all white and pure and so fluffy, I just don't like traveling in it.  I still enjoy summertime the most because I am such an outdoors type person.  I am happiest when I am in the mountains and can be outside without freezing.

My next oncologist appointment is in April with my new doctor.  I am still wondering which doctor I want to see.  The new doctor is so far away from my house and it is a pain to meet Jeff or try and arrange for my mom to come and have some back up for Kaci to get to dance since he only sees patients on Thursday's.  I was hoping to hear from my old oncologists' office about stopping Tamoxifen so I could also ask going forward, should I chose to still go there and since they aren't on my insurance any more how that will all work.  I haven't heard from them and his PA said she was going to call me at the end of December regarding my Tamoxifen decision.  I know they are busy people and I really don't care because at this point in my life I don't feel that a 5% benefit is worth feeling so crappy.  I guess for now I will probably just go to the appointment that I already have scheduled with my new doctor at Huntsman.

Life is good and it is even going to get better when Jeff is done with school and all of his school related stress is gone.  I am sure he will relax a whole lot.  There has been some trying times for sure as the stress builds for him.  I am excited to finally live our married life with us just working and concentrating on our Kaci girl and making sure she grows up to be a healthy, happy person.  Did I say life is good?