"I AM NOT IN CHEMOPAUSE ANY LONGER"

I can hardly believe it, my hormone test I had last Monday on November 28th shows that I am no longer menopausal.  My doctor called me last Friday, December 2nd with the results.  I do not know how I feel about this.  I know they kept telling me that this could happen but I didn't believe them because of how bad my menopausal side effects were.  Now I know why on my "Tamoxifen holiday" my hot flashes are gone and have been replaced by a little tiny warm flush that most of the time I don't even notice.

I had this same test at the end of July which still showed menopause and now it doesn't.  The levels have climbed so high in the last 4 months.  While this would be good news for any other woman dealing with cancer to come out of "chemopause" after almost 2 years (it was 2 years ago on December 15th that my cycle shut down), for me this is not good news at all.  Because my tumor was 100% percent estrogen receptor positive (meaning it used the estrogen in my body to grow) the doctors are telling me that we have to eliminate/ reduce the estrogen in my body.  This is also bad news because when they called me with the results on Friday she said the only option for me is to go back on Tamoxifen.  I started crying, I do not want to go back on that drug.  Even with my ovaries "waking up" and my hormone levels returning to normal over the course of the last 4 months my hot flashes not once subsided nor did any of the other bothersome side effects.  Of course there are other options for me to shut down my ovaries temporarily and also permanently to eliminate the amount of estrogen and also to be able to take an armomatase inhibitor blocker.

I was so hoping my levels would still show menopause and in fact I knew they would so when she gave me this news, I was completely shocked.  I know now that my hot flashes were being kept so strong from the Tamoxifen.  I was hoping by being on a drug holiday it meant that my body has transitioned itself and had gotten used to menopause and that naturally my hot flashes have subsided.  Now I know the reason for not having hot flashes and it scares me so bad.  It scares me for many different reasons.  Estrogen running full force through my body can make my cancer come back but on the other hand I feel like a normal person again.  I know that no matter which way I chose to go from here I will have to go through the miserable hot flashes yet again because I would never dare take any kind of estrogen therapy like most menopausal women can take to help ease the symptoms.

I get to continue my drug holiday through the end of December.  I see my new doctor at Huntsman on the 15th.  I am so anxious for this appointment.  I am hoping he can help me by giving me some statistics should I never go back on these blockers.  For some reason they cannot give me any information at my current oncologists office as to a percentage of benefit for taking the blockers.  In a way I don't know if it even matters.  The more time that passes by feeling absolutely great, the more I am thinking of doing nothing as far as taking any more medications.  I still want the 2nd opinion however before I make my final decision.  I can't believe how much my life has turned around just from stopping this drug and of course my hormone levels coming back have the majority to do with how good I feel.  I am 100% completely myself again after 2 freaking years!!!  The only side effect that I feel lingering from chemo now is just the arthritis in my ankles.  It started the May after I finished chemo in 2015 but everything else is gone, completely gone!  I never in a million years ever expected to feel this great again.  I have been praying for so long to get some relief and now here it is in front of me.  Do I take this as an answer to my prayers?  Do I stay off of these drugs that were making me feel so lousy?  Am I sealing my fate as to how I am going to die?  There are so many questions but I have to believe and I do believe that God is in control and I will die when and how I am supposed to no matter my decision.  I did do everything that was suggested to me when I was diagnosed, I chose to do a bilateral mastectomy so I didn't have to worry about cancer in the other breast, I completed 4 A/C cycles, 4 dose dense Taxol cycles and I can't even remember how many weeks of radiation.  Each of those was so very hard and there were many times when I almost quit chemo, I honestly don't know how I pushed through it.  Radiation was very hard too and I almost cut that short too but I didn't.  I have completed almost a year and a half of Tamoxifen which I suppose it better than nothing at all.

Nothing is ever easy for me through this cancer journey, there is always something that comes up to make it 10 times harder and here I am yet again.  I need to go to the store and stock up on feminine hygiene products since I threw them all out over a year ago, just in case my period comes back.  In fact my doctor said it will more than likely come back and I need to be prepared and keep something with me just in case.  I can't believe I will probably get my period again and I am still in absolute shock that my ovaries have woken up especially since last December when I had a pelvic ultrasound she couldn't even find my one ovary, it had shriveled so much.

I have a lot of decisions to make in the next while.  I may chose to try the injections to shut down my ovaries temporarily (it shuts them down for about 3 months at a time) and see how I feel and then possibly try one of the A/I blockers.  If it isn't too bad then I will do another 3 months and try up to all 3 of the drugs to see if I can tolerate one better than another.  I do know that if they make me feel anything like the Tamoxifen that I won't do it because my quality of life is so much more important than my quantity of life.  I want to be able to enjoy my life and feel good and at least participate in things that I have been having to sit out for so long.  If I can tolerate the A/I blockers along with the ovary suppression then I may decide to just get my ovaries taken out permanently and not have to worry about it.

For now I am enjoying each day and night.  It is amazing how good sleep can make you feel and act.  I feel like I am no longer on edge most of the day.  I am so happy and cheerful because I know these days won't last forever and while I am in them I must make the best of them and not take them for granted.  I love that I am at a comfortable temperature now.  I am not tossing clothes back and forth every few minutes which drove me crazy.  Of course I still get cold and hot but like a normal person now.  I can think again with a 100% clear mind, or at least it feels like 100% compared to how I have been thinking the last two years.  I don't even know if I felt this normal before cancer treatments.  It has been so long.

Again I ask myself, is this the answer to my prayers???  I would like to think that it is.  I will continue to pray for clarity as these decisions are all in front of me as to what to do.  It is so hard to think about going back to my LIVING HELL just to get more years here on this earth.