Today I had an appointment with my surgeon Dr. Grunander. I found a lump in my armpit area. I found it a couple of weeks ago and as hard as I tried to just forget about it, I couldn't. She examined it and said it may be scar tissue but she wanted an ultrasound done. After a few minutes they came and got us and took us to the ultrasound room. Lisa the tech had a hard time getting an image so that they could measure it. Dr. Stevenson came in and between the both of them they got something to show up on the machine. He wanted to do a biopsy just to be sure. I had to go through that whole experience again with the numbing shot, the needle to draw out cells and what sounds and feels like a staple gun that clips away tissue. This time I had Jeff and Kaci with me and I was much more calm. I am a lot tougher now than I was that first time for sure. Now I have to wait for pathology. I talked to Jen, Dr. Grunander's nurse and she said she might have it back by Friday and Dr. Grunander told her she could give me the results over the phone. I am anxiously waiting to find out the results. For some reason in my heart I just feel that it is going to be nothing. I have been praying super hard for this to turn out good but I also know that God has a plan for me and what will be will be. I know some people don't believe that way but I do and it helps me get through all of my life's trials.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Tamoxifen and how I am feeling almost 16 weeks post chemo
I started Tamoxifen a month ago today. It is an estrogen blocker and since my cancer was 100% estrogen positive, I really don't have a choice, I must use this drug to help prevent the cancer from coming back.
I had a couple of options. I could take Tamoxifen and see how I handle it, however if I am in permanent menopause then I will need to switch to an aromatase inhibitor drug. If my period does not return after a year of being done with chemo then I am in permanent menopause brought on by chemo. The aromatase inhibitor drugs are harder on the joints but are used in post menopausal women to help prevent a re-occurrence. Or I could have had my ovaries suppressed with a shot every three months or opt for permanent ovary removal and take the aromatase inhibitor drugs that might give me an even better chance of survival. Just when you think you are done with breast cancer treatments you are not! These drugs are taken for a period of 10 years and diminish your quality of life, however they might extend your life. So what do you do?
Right now being on Tamoxifen I haven't noticed too many side effects. I still get my regular hot flashes. I felt that Effexor wasn't doing anything for the hot flashes so I went off of it right at the time I started Tamoxifen. This was not advised by my doctor but the more I read up on Effexor the more scared I got. I have put on 20lbs since March and my doctor said that is normal since chemo does shut your system down and your hormones are out of wack. I think the weight gain was from Effexor because I had not gained weight up until the point I started Effexor. My period stopped and I got hot flashes immediately after my first dose of AC chemo so I would think I would have started gaining weight right away with the shutdown of my system. I was able to eat just fine throughout chemo. I am not one to take any sort of medication unless absolutely necessary so that is why I decided to stop Effexor. The hot flashes are terrible but I think I am getting more used to them and to the lack of sleep because of them. The other side effect that I have now that I am on Tamoxifen is cold chills. These are strange in the way that they make me shaky and extremely cold until they pass. These are just as bad as the hot flashes in a different kind of way. I also find that I get short tempered with things that normally would not have gotten me so worked up. I am trying to work on that, I don't like being grouchy! As far as my mood, I still feel super positive and am not depressed at all. I could be depressed but I chose to just live in the moment and not look to far into the future. I also don't let the scars, weight gain or my short boy haircut get to me even though I hate all of them. I am just happy to be alive right now. My scars won't go anywhere, maybe some of the weight will come off and my hair will grow. I try not to obsess about these things because when I die and go to Heaven I will be perfect and none of this will matter. I do not want these negative things to affect my quality of life that I have left.
I will stay on Tamoxifen and try and finish out my 10 years unless my doctor wants to switch me to the other drugs. I don't feel like Tamoxifen is diminishing my quality of life too much. I think my hot flashes are here to stay so therefore there is no need to go off of Tamoxifen.
This may all change the longer I am on the drug and if it does and I feel like my quality of life is diminished them I might chose to stop taking it. It isn't so hard taking it when I look at my family. I want to be there with them, I don't want to leave this life anytime soon. But of course it is not up to me.
One thing that I am experiencing right now is a lot of leg and foot pain. I am sore when I try and stand up from sitting too long or get out of bed in the morning. This all started after I finished chemo but prior to starting Tamoxifen. I have not discussed it with my doctor yet because it started after my appointment I had with him in May. From what I gather on the internet (not good, I know) I believe it is post chemo rheumatism (joint pain). I feel like I walk like an old lady these days. I don't know if it will go away eventually or not. Right now I just deal with the pain and will talk it over with my doctor when I go back the middle of August for a follow up.
As far as everything else goes my energy level is back to normal. I feel great and I am up for anything. I don't want life to pass by without experiencing everything I can. Before I used to pass up things because I was tired or wanted to take a nap, now if something is going on, I am all over it. We have been super busy since summer started. Since memorial day we have been camping every weekend except one. We still have 4 more weekends left at Sourdough (our camping lot in the mountains) then we will go on a 10 day RV Trip journey to Bear Lake, Grand Teton National Park and West Yellowstone. I am so excited for the camping trips I have left. We might even have more if we chose to put our trailer back up on Sourdough. We will decide that when we get home from the RV trip.
I had a couple of options. I could take Tamoxifen and see how I handle it, however if I am in permanent menopause then I will need to switch to an aromatase inhibitor drug. If my period does not return after a year of being done with chemo then I am in permanent menopause brought on by chemo. The aromatase inhibitor drugs are harder on the joints but are used in post menopausal women to help prevent a re-occurrence. Or I could have had my ovaries suppressed with a shot every three months or opt for permanent ovary removal and take the aromatase inhibitor drugs that might give me an even better chance of survival. Just when you think you are done with breast cancer treatments you are not! These drugs are taken for a period of 10 years and diminish your quality of life, however they might extend your life. So what do you do?
Right now being on Tamoxifen I haven't noticed too many side effects. I still get my regular hot flashes. I felt that Effexor wasn't doing anything for the hot flashes so I went off of it right at the time I started Tamoxifen. This was not advised by my doctor but the more I read up on Effexor the more scared I got. I have put on 20lbs since March and my doctor said that is normal since chemo does shut your system down and your hormones are out of wack. I think the weight gain was from Effexor because I had not gained weight up until the point I started Effexor. My period stopped and I got hot flashes immediately after my first dose of AC chemo so I would think I would have started gaining weight right away with the shutdown of my system. I was able to eat just fine throughout chemo. I am not one to take any sort of medication unless absolutely necessary so that is why I decided to stop Effexor. The hot flashes are terrible but I think I am getting more used to them and to the lack of sleep because of them. The other side effect that I have now that I am on Tamoxifen is cold chills. These are strange in the way that they make me shaky and extremely cold until they pass. These are just as bad as the hot flashes in a different kind of way. I also find that I get short tempered with things that normally would not have gotten me so worked up. I am trying to work on that, I don't like being grouchy! As far as my mood, I still feel super positive and am not depressed at all. I could be depressed but I chose to just live in the moment and not look to far into the future. I also don't let the scars, weight gain or my short boy haircut get to me even though I hate all of them. I am just happy to be alive right now. My scars won't go anywhere, maybe some of the weight will come off and my hair will grow. I try not to obsess about these things because when I die and go to Heaven I will be perfect and none of this will matter. I do not want these negative things to affect my quality of life that I have left.
I will stay on Tamoxifen and try and finish out my 10 years unless my doctor wants to switch me to the other drugs. I don't feel like Tamoxifen is diminishing my quality of life too much. I think my hot flashes are here to stay so therefore there is no need to go off of Tamoxifen.
This may all change the longer I am on the drug and if it does and I feel like my quality of life is diminished them I might chose to stop taking it. It isn't so hard taking it when I look at my family. I want to be there with them, I don't want to leave this life anytime soon. But of course it is not up to me.
One thing that I am experiencing right now is a lot of leg and foot pain. I am sore when I try and stand up from sitting too long or get out of bed in the morning. This all started after I finished chemo but prior to starting Tamoxifen. I have not discussed it with my doctor yet because it started after my appointment I had with him in May. From what I gather on the internet (not good, I know) I believe it is post chemo rheumatism (joint pain). I feel like I walk like an old lady these days. I don't know if it will go away eventually or not. Right now I just deal with the pain and will talk it over with my doctor when I go back the middle of August for a follow up.
As far as everything else goes my energy level is back to normal. I feel great and I am up for anything. I don't want life to pass by without experiencing everything I can. Before I used to pass up things because I was tired or wanted to take a nap, now if something is going on, I am all over it. We have been super busy since summer started. Since memorial day we have been camping every weekend except one. We still have 4 more weekends left at Sourdough (our camping lot in the mountains) then we will go on a 10 day RV Trip journey to Bear Lake, Grand Teton National Park and West Yellowstone. I am so excited for the camping trips I have left. We might even have more if we chose to put our trailer back up on Sourdough. We will decide that when we get home from the RV trip.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
A Letter to My Cancer by author Ginger Johnson
A Letter to My Cancer:
It may seem like you have control in my life right now,
but you really don't.
Your presence only makes me stronger, braver,
kinder, wiser.
I choose how I think what I speak and how I love.
You will never be able to touch those things.
Never.
The fear of your name no longer haunts my soul
because I know that my soul belongs to me and to God.
You may take your claim on this frail outer shell
but never on my divine spirit that cried out
"I am not my body".
My soul will run, leap and tower over your attempts
to pull me down into despair.
Those who surround me will fight with me
to let it be known that we will not surrender.
Our hearts and souls are tied together in a lasting bond
that no amount of your impeding growth can break.
You see cancer, you do NOT own me.
I own myself.
And I will survive.
It may seem like you have control in my life right now,
but you really don't.
Your presence only makes me stronger, braver,
kinder, wiser.
I choose how I think what I speak and how I love.
You will never be able to touch those things.
Never.
The fear of your name no longer haunts my soul
because I know that my soul belongs to me and to God.
You may take your claim on this frail outer shell
but never on my divine spirit that cried out
"I am not my body".
My soul will run, leap and tower over your attempts
to pull me down into despair.
Those who surround me will fight with me
to let it be known that we will not surrender.
Our hearts and souls are tied together in a lasting bond
that no amount of your impeding growth can break.
You see cancer, you do NOT own me.
I own myself.
And I will survive.
By Ginger Johnson. Founder. HappyChemo.com
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