This is also the month they do so many breast cancer walks, retreats etc. This year I have chose not to be a part of them. I don't like to label myself at all anymore. I want to be a normal person and if you see me on the street you will have no idea what I have been through just by looking at me. I want to blend in! This does not mean that I don't support fundraising and helping out a fellow cancer sister or brother. I do all of that in a heartbeat. I am there for anybody who needs to talk or needs my help. I will never turn my back on anyone, even though I must say it is hard to hear their stories and it brings back memories of what I have been through. I feel that in this life we are all here to help others even when it is hard because it might create flashbacks of our own personal hell, we press on and serve our fellow man.
I will get through this month though. I am trying to focus on fall time which I absolutely love. Trying to do a lot of fun activities that doesn't involve skeletons and blood and gore which I cannot handle anymore since I got sick. I would rather smell the fall leaves and see pumpkins and corn stalks and go to corn mazes. We do have a girl trip planned for Disneyland's Halloween time in 2 weeks that I am really excited about. Last year at this time we were getting ready for Disneyworld. It is best that I have something fun planned during the month of October to keep my mind off, you know what.
Summer has come to an end and we had a great time spending so many weekends camping. We started off the summer going to Dinosaur Land in Vernal and then a couple of weeks later going to Moab, UT to go on the ATV trails, it was so hot though, I had a really hard time. I did bring fans that squirt water and that saved me. Then we headed up to our lot in the mountains and put our trailer there for the summer. I must say I am excited for the change of seasons and to finally be home on the weekends to do other things. Of course in another couple of months I will have cabin fever so bad I won't know what to do with myself!!!
We had another cancer scare in our family last month. My mother-in law, Bonnie got diagnosed with colon cancer during a routine colonoscopy. It had been 10 years and one week since her last colonoscopy which is what they suggest. She ended up having surgery to remove 8" of her colon and about 12 lymph nodes for testing. Everything came back great as the cancer had not spread to her lymph nodes. They staged her at 1 and with that chemo is not necessary. I felt so bad for her prior to surgery with all the worry of possibly needing chemo and losing your hair. As women I don't think we fear the sickness that chemo brings as much as losing our hair. I know when I looked in the mirror when I felt like death and I was bald, I think it made me feel even more sick because of how sick I looked, if that makes any sense!!! Colon cancer is what her husband died from just two years prior. I am so thankful for a good diagnosis for her. I had many sleepless nights just worrying about it. I had that "C" word so bad.
Now that I am through camping I have really concentrated on redecorating my house. It was either that or I had to move. I hated my house after treatments, I hated the decor, the furniture and everything about it. It really did cause me great anxiety that I never had before cancer. We decided in January to re-carpet the house and get new furniture for the family room. While that helped me mentally I still had to redecorate too, I needed it to look like a totally different house. We just recently finished our entry room. We went with a batten board wall with hooks, I recovered my bench and put up some new decorations and transformed the whole thing. I love it so much and I am thankful for a good husband who went along with the idea that I found on Pinterest that very week. Yes, I rushed it but when I saw it I just knew that it was what I wanted. I have been to Hobby Lobby at least 2 to 3 times every week for the past 5 weeks. Man, I love that store!!! I have moved onto the family room and the kitchen. I think I am finally done with those rooms. Next up I need to find something for our bonus room wall that you can see the from the living area below. Right now I have our family photo on a canvas up there and it is really hard to look at. It was the photos we had taken right before I had my surgery and started chemo. It was the old me and I really have a hard time looking at any photos with my long hair and thinner frame. I am finally comfortable with where my hair is at however I am not comfortable with my new menopause body that I shouldn't have for another 10 years or so but I do think it is time for some new family photos soon.
Here is a photo of what I look like a year and a half out from chemo. I have lightened my hair and I really do like it. I am going to keep growing it out a bit more though. I am not wanting to grow it out to where it was before but I do want it a little bit longer and all one length so it is easier to do. I also have a picture of me and my puppy that I love so very much.
So now that we are into October I do encourage everyone to do self checks of your breasts often. I also encourage everyone to get your mammograms. I just wish that insurance would pay for mammograms for the younger ones. It is crazy to me how many people I know that were under 40 diagnosed with breast cancer and how many I have known and do know right now that are battling breast cancer re-occurrences and some stage 4 breast cancer which is incurable. Stage 4 or metastatic disease is my greatest fear. I can't ever get it off of my mind. Please keep all of those who are currently fighting and all of those who have fought and won for the time being in your prayers. I know first hand that prayers are not always answered the way we want and I have found that it is best to pray for the strength and comfort to handle whatever it is that God is going to have us go through.
