My breast cancer journey: January 2016

I can't believe I am writing another post saying goodbye to another dog so soon.

My buddy Jake came into our lives shortly after we were married. We got him as a puppy in June of 2002. He was our first kid. We went through a lot with him from the potty training to his aggressiveness with other dogs. He was always so stubborn and head strong in the beginning. He also had a ton of energy which labs usually have. We took him everywhere with us and Jeff was excited to have a hunting buddy, however Jake had a mind of his own and rather than retrieving ducks he would rather just jump in the water and swim. There was no way of getting him out until he was tired. He was the only kid until 9 months later when we adopted Abby from the shelter. These two dogs meant the world to us. They were together most of their lives so it is fitting that they both left this earth within two months of each other.

Jake loved to go camping and most of all swimming. In fact when I was first pregnant with Kaci we were camping and decided to go to the lake to go fishing and then eventually let the dogs swim. Right when we got there I was holding Jake's leash and we were on a hill. He started circling around me and hog tied me at the knees and I fell down. I had to unlatch him so that I could get up and in the water he went and he swam and swam. I was nervous about him drowning but there wasn't anything we could do. I know the guys fishing in the boat next to him didn't appreciate him but all we could do was laugh and wait for him to come back.

He was such a happy soul. He was always smiling and wagging his tail. He was hyper until he turned about 9 years old and then he settled down. He was truly my best friend. He was my shadow and followed me everywhere. Even during his last days if I got up for some reason so did he. He wouldn't let me out of his sight.

Jake was also there with me during my darkest hours while undergoing chemo treatments. There were many days I just couldn't take it anymore and would retreat to the master bedroom closet and lay on the floor and just cry. Jake was always in there with me. He would just paw at me and give my lots of slobbery kisses. He really did make me feel better with the love he was giving me.

Shortly after Halloween day when we had to put Abby down, we were in cleaning Kaci's room and we had piles of stuff both little things and big things and he started gagging and I thought maybe he had eaten something and was choking but then it passed. A little while later that same day he started drooling out of the one side of his mouth and I thought it was odd because he wasn't a dog who drools. The next week he did the gagging episode again and Jeff looked in his mouth and his back teeth were a little bit black so I decided to make an appointment with the vet to get his teeth cleaned and pulled if needed. Even though he was over 13-1/2 years old I couldn't leave him in pain so I figured the risk of anesthesia was worth the risk to make him feel better. I made a dental appointment for Wednesday, November 25th but they wanted me to come in on Tuesday just to look at everything prior to. Little did I know he would be diagnosed with a form of oral cancer. I was told by the doctor that there wasn't anything they could do especially at his age. He said he could remove it but it would be very painful for Jake and he might not make it through surgery but the cancer would grow back. He said it is one of three kinds of oral cancer but most likely oral melanoma due to its appearance. It was about the size of a dime and very black. It was under his tongue right next to the teeth that were turning black. The doctor said it wouldn't be long and this cancer would take his life. In fact by the time most people find these cancers in their pets they have usually metastasized to other locations within their bodies. They sent me home with some strong pain pills and told me to just watch him and I would know when it was time. My only hope was making it through Christmas but that was not a guarantee.

Jake continued drooling but the drool started to be tainted with blood. His breath got really bad which is another sign of malignant oral melanoma. He also from time to time would squint his eyes in pain but for the most part he was his smiley self. I would clean up his face and his paws from all the bloody drool. It bothered him so much that he would spend a long time licking them clean but it got so bad towards the end that he didn't take care of the mess himself. I didn't mind getting out the baby wipes and giving him a sponge bath. He was my baby and after all he did for me I knew it was my turn to take care of him.

In early December we noticed he wasn't drinking water anymore. Everyday I would take a syringe and squirt water into his mouth. He would also go outside and eat the snow. At every feeding I would put water into his food so he got moisture that way also. I did resort to feeding him canned food so it was softer and hopefully less painful on this mouth.

About two weeks before Christmas I gave him a toy just in case he didn't make it until Christmas. I am so glad I did. He played with that toy for a long time and enjoyed ripping it up. On Christmas Eve we let him open his traditional tennis balls and he went crazy. He loved playing ball for hours on end on Christmas only this year he only got to play with them for less than 5 minutes. His mouth started bleeding quite heavily. The balls were covered in blood and I could see that they were causing him pain so I had to take them away. On Christmas morning he wanted to help Kaci open her presents, the dog loves Christmas and loves opening presents. This has been a struggle every single year, in fact we had to block him out of the family room every year. This year however, I just let him stay in there with us and made him lay down and put the boxes and paper all around him. He was bleeding but I let him have fun. He didn't do to much with the paper because it hurt so bad. Our family came over later that day and I asked them for their opinion. It was hard to know what to do because being around him every day I may have dismissed just how bad he was suffering. They all agreed that it was probably time.

The Monday after Christmas Kaci had her tonsils out and Jake seemed to be okay just as he had been. I was still squirting water into his mouth each day but noticed that most of it was coming out. The tumor was growing and his tongue was pushed to the side but it still did not stop him from eating. He was eating his food okay but I know it was painful as he was slowing down quite a bit. I decided to spoil him with canned dog food for the past month and a half so it didn't hurt him as bad.

On New Years day I noticed it took him a very long time to eat his food and when I gave him his drink most of the water I put in his mouth came out. I decided to measure what went in and what fell out and he wasn't getting much at all. Then he started puffing like he does and I was able to get a good glimpse of his jaw and the tumor and I was amazed at how large that tumor had grown. It had also invaded his jaw bone like the doctor said it would. His jaw bone was so red and swollen and the black teeth that we once saw were now encompassed by the tumor and it was moving forward and taking another tooth. I saw how his tongue was literally pushed to the side and it made sense why he couldn't drink let alone keep any of the water in his mouth to swallow. I decided right then and there that we would take him in on Saturday the 2nd and have him put to sleep. We ended up going to a movie that night because we had been trapped in our house since Monday with Kaci and just needed to get out. We came home right after and all of us spend time telling Jaker Maker goodbye. We cried and cried and told him what a good dog he has been all of these years. Even though he was completely deaf I know he still heard us. I decided to lay on the floor next to him on his bed and hold his paw for a while that night. I also woke up early and did the same thing. I waited until the vet opened at 8:00AM and called for the appointment. I was given at 10:15 appointment and that was all they had as they were squeezing us in. I then took him out to the kitchen to give him his last meal. I was going to feel him extra but I saw how much he was struggling with his normal amount that I decided against it. I then spend the rest of the time with him. Telling him again how much I loved him and thanked him for his friendship all of those years.

It was getting close to the time we needed to leave and when I took him to the car he started shaking. He was always so nervous on car rides that for many years we only took him when we went camping or to the vet. We never put him through car rides for any other reason. I rode in the back seat with him and when we got to the office I went in by myself to pay for everything while Jeff, Kaci, Jake and our other dog Ely waited in the car. When it was time I came out to get them and we walked into that same room where Abby died only 2 months ago. I asked for a blanket for him to lay on. I sat over the top of him and held his head in my one arm while the other arm was wrapped underneath him. He was so scared and shaking so bad, it was awful but I also knew it would be over very soon and then none of this would matter to him anymore. They injected the sleepy medicine first and I felt him relax and then they injected the medicine to stop his heart. The vein in his leg collapsed and they didn't get enough medicine in to stop his heart so they had to put it in the other leg. It was okay though because he was sedated and it was still a very peaceful process. I felt his release when his heart stopped and knowing that he could run as fast as he could without any pain, he could see and hear again and most of all that ugly monster in his mouth would be no more. I can only imagine his and Abby's reunion as well as his best buddy Harley's (our friends dog who passed a few years before). I imagine that the first thing he did was go get a huge drink of water and then jump in the lake to swim.

I know I will see my babies again someday. I am so thankful for their friendship and unconditional love over the years. I am also so glad for this last "bonus" year. I call it a bonus year because I know they could have gone while I was undergoing my cancer treatments. Each day in my prayers I would ask to be able to keep my babies while I went through everything. I cannot imagine having to go through losing them when I was at my very worst. I am so thankful for this past summer with them too. We had such a good time camping and making memories to last a lifetime. I feel in my heart that everything happened perfectly with them. The timing was just right. I miss them so very much and I would give anything to have them back in my life and healthy again. I know time will help heal my broken heart but I will never forget them. When I die I want them to be the first faces I see. They were my children and people that don't have animals would never understand. Those of you that do understand perfectly. I am such an animal lover and will do anything and everything to help an animal in need. It is my passion.